so here is away and so your is a my

(with a down

up

around again fly)

forever was never till now

-e.e. cummings, "if everything happens that can't be done"

Jyn's never been one for awards, or success. Succeeding in Saw Gerrera's military training only led to her being dumped. Her father's brilliance led to him being held as a pawn of the empire.

Of course, all of it worked out in the end. And if she ever doubts it, she has proof in the form of this medal hanging around her neck and her having no idea what to do with it.

"If you please," Kaytoo says to her. "We're evacuating soon."

"I'm aware," Jyn says, but she can't keep a smile from crossing her face.

"Cassian said to remind you."

"I figured." She spots Bodhi approaching, the medal still dangling from his neck too. Bet he never thought he'd get any kind of medal either. Especially not from a rebel princess.

"It looks nice on you," Cassian says from behind her.

"Thanks," Jyn says as she turns around. Cassian's tucked his medal under his shirt, and his parka's tucked under one arm. Rebels run about, gathering belongings and equipment. Chirrut heads towards one of the ships, Baze following him. Through the crowd, Jyn spots Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and the Wookiee—the ones who took down the Death Star.

We're still on the run.

But it's not the same.

She has people with her this time.

"Welcome home," she remembers Cassian telling her.

"Will you help me gather blasters? Bodhi, you get the ship ready."

"Yes, Captain." Bodhi grins and jogs off.

"And me?" calls Kaytoo.

"You help Bodhi!" Cassian hollers over his shoulder. Jyn strides along behind him, her boots echoing on the floor. "You must be glad your father's coming."

Jyn nods, a lump still in her throat. So many years lost.

But they still have time. Krennic's hourglass ran out on Scarif, and they're still here, breathing the sweet smell of Yavin's forests even inside the base. The exhaust can't hide everything. Her father's here, they destroyed the Death Star, and they have hope.

"You doing all right?" Cassian asks as Jyn sorts through the blasters, testing them. This storage room is small, more of a closet really, with one dim light overhead. Shelves line the walls, and blasters of all sorts are lined up and thrown around, as if someone tried to tidy them up and gave up.

"I needs a new blaster," she mutters. "Kaytoo kept the one I gave him on Scarif."

Cassian cocks his head. "The one you took from my bag?" But his eyes twinkle, and a smile tugs at the corners of his lips.

Jyn snorts. "Thanks for letting me keep it."

He blows his breath out and nods.

"Why did you let me keep it?" Jyn questions. Because try as she might, she still can't understand it. Especially given what he'd been ordered to do, and their violent first meeting.

"You said it yourself. Trust goes both ways."

"I know." Jyn swallows, remembering their introduction—how she punched him and ran on Wobani. She trusted him afterwards, because she had no other hope. "Thanks."

"Well, it turned out to be a good investment." He grins, and Jyn laughs, even though she still can't fathom it.

She remembers being alone with a knife and blaster, realizing Saw left her, and the crushing loneliness that she kept at bay only by fighting to be the best soldier—it wrapped around her like a serpent, crushing her. She remembers falling into the dirt on that damp planet and crying, pounding the dirt and knowing that if she screamed, no one would hear. But she didn't scream.

"This might be a good one. Same model as my old one," Cassian says, handing the weapon over. His fingers brush hers, and Jyn's heart picks up pace.

Forget it. Jyn tests the blaster in her hand and points it playfully at Cassian. He shakes his head. "You don't want to prove Kaytoo right. He did say the probability of you shooting me—"

Jyn rolls her eyes. "We ready?" she asks, collecting several more blasters for safekeeping.

"Think so." Cassian sighs.

"Is it hard for you?" she asks, moving closer to him. "Leaving this place? You've worked here for quite awhile, haven't you?"

Cassian shrugs. "I've been all over the galaxy. Home is—wherever people I care about are. This place has memories I love, and memories I'd rather forget."

Jyn tilts her head up, remembering what he almost did to her father. There were others you didn't put the blaster down for, weren't there?

Why didn't you do it? Was it for my father? Was it for the cause? Was it for me?

He looks down at her, his eyes open, brow furrowing as his lips part, shame and hope both mixing together.

"I think you're a good man, Cassian Andor," she says, because it's the only absolution she can give, and because she wants to give him a fraction of the hope he's gave her when he decided she mattered, for whatever reason.

His breath feels hot against her face. Jyn's stomach flutters as she cranes her neck, looking up at him. Her palms ache. She's kissed more than a few men, but few she cared to look in the eye.

He shakes his head.

"What?" Jyn asks.

"Kaytoo's right," Cassian says. "You continually surprise me."

Jyn's not sure which of them leans in first—he drops his head as she stands on her toes. His arm wraps around her waist. His lips break through hers, and at first it's just their lips, chapped skin rubbing against each other's, and then Jyn looks into his gaze again and closes her eyes. Her mouth opens, and he presses in, his arms holding her close and her hand clutching the back of his neck.

The door slides open behind them, and Jyn breaks away with a gasp.

"Oh," says Bodhi, his eyes bulging and mouth agape. "Oh. Um—"

"Are we holding you up?" Cassian asks.

"Nope. Um—good for you," Bodhi stammers. "Carry on." The door slides shut.

A laugh escapes from Cassian's mouth, and Jyn shakes her head. Cassian's fingers brush her face, turning her to face him again. This time, her fingers dig through his hair, her other hand grips his shoulder, the kind of kissing where both of them can only breath in gasps.

The door slides open again.

"Oh dear," says Kaytoo.

"Oh no," says Cassian.

"Oh shit," says Jyn.

"Well," Kaytoo says, sounding woozy, as if he's being reprogrammed again. Which might not be such a bad idea, although Jyn doubts Cassian would go for it. "We'd better get going."

"Right," Cassian says. "Kaytoo, can you carry some of these blasters for us?"

Kaytoo obeys, and the walk back to the shuttle is silent. Cassian slides his gaze in Jyn's direction, and she smiles at him.

"Well, we're here, and I'm traumatized," Kaytoo announces the moment they climb on board and Bodhi shuts the door. Chirrut and Baze sit against the wall, and Galen sits across from them. He reaches for Jyn's hand as she enters.

"Traumatized?" Baze asks, eyebrows raised. "You're a droid."

"My calculations don't always prepare me for the inevitable."

"Kaytoo, be quiet," Cassian snaps as he dumps the blasters. Baze immediately starts looking through them. "Bodhi, we ready? You have our orders?"

"Uh, yes, yes we are," Bodhi says. "Cassian, Jyn, I told him not to—but he does what he wants, so—"

Chirrut chuckles, and Jyn scowls at him. Of course, he can't see her.

"What?" Baze asks, lifting his head as the shuttle begins to take off. Galen's eyes slide to Jyn in question.

"Kaytoo's acting like a five year old," Jyn comments, leaning back as Cassian grips the edge of the ladder.

"I am much older than that, Jyn Erso!" hollers Kaytoo. "I am—"

"No one cares!"

"Jyn, he is kind of my best friend," Cassian puts in. "Even if he's a droid."

"That's sad," Jyn says.

"Thank you, Cassian," says Kaytoo. "Of course, that doesn't mean I will keep quiet about this. Surely someone with the brains of Galen Erso or the wisdom of Baze Malbus can put together that the two of you were in the blaster closet for quite a long—"

"You two work well together," Chirrut says.

"Huh." Baze eyes both of them and nods. "I like it."

"He helped me find you," Jyn offers her father, who's gawping at her. "And he's a good person."

"Well, then," Galen says, watching Cassian closely. "I don't think I'm in any position to protest, Stardust. I trust your judgment."

Two years later

Hoth

"Lyra!"

Jyn's eyes snap open, and she gasps as she jerks awake. Cassian stirs beside her, blinking sleepily. "Jyn?"

"I'm fine," she mutters, lying back down and turning away from him. She curls up. "Just a bad dream."

Cassian's hand lands on her bare shoulder. "I had one last night."

"Really?" Jyn rolls back over. His fingers interlace with hers. "I didn't know you still got those." Her stomach churns and she breathes deeply, in through her nose and out through her mouth.

She knows that the nightmares she has are about things done to her. The nightmares Cassian has are about the things he's done, the people he's murdered.

"I hadn't had one in a long time," he says.

"I'm going to pull a Kaytoo and say I find that answer vague and unconvincing," Jyn replies, pressing her forehead against his. "You know you can wake me up when you have one."

You're not the only one who lost everything, Jyn remembers him telling her. Some of us just decided to do something about it.

She knows, now, more of what comprises everything. Parents. Siblings. His own sense of innocence. Jyn doesn't know what it's like to murder someone in cold blood.

You might as well be a stormtrooper.

Not anymore. Cassian and Jyn and the rest of their ragtag Rogue One crew are working on Hoth, trying to see if they can establish it as a functional base for the Rebellion. Cassian hasn't murdered anyone since he chose not to kill her father.

He kisses her neck, at first warm and soothing, and then harder, almost desperate. Jyn sucks in her breath, pulling him closer. The air's chilled, as it usually is even in their tiny, heated room, but their bed—about the only thing that fits—is covered in blankets.

Cassian shifts so that he's on top of her, and she wraps her arms around him. A murderer and a criminal. Heroes of the rebellion.

She can still see their medals, hanging on the wall at the insistence of Kaytoo. Her kyber crystal necklace, on the other hand, stays around her neck no matter what.

I love you, Jyn thinks as she pulls Cassian down for a kiss, their bodies rocking together. I know what you are, and I love you. And he knows her worst qualities and loves her anyways.

It's home.

Jyn's barely able to doze off again before they have to get up. Her stomach churns again and she pauses for a moment on the edge of the bed.

"Are you all right?" Cassian asks, pausing with his shift in his hands.

"Yeah," she says. "Just tired." Her head feels strange, floaty.

"Chirrut and Baze get back today," Cassian says as he pulls on his boots. "Bodhi too."

"Good," Jyn says. She misses them.

"Luke Skywalker is talking about an expedition to the other side of Hoth," Cassian adds. "Apparently there's a bounty hunter who likes to hang out there. We want to make sure he won't sell us out to the empire."

"I know," Jyn says. "Papa told me."

"If they send me, will you come?" Cassian asks.

"I doubt they'd send you thinking I wouldn't be coming," Jyn replies with a smirk. He grins.

Jyn springs to her feet. She's supposed to have a conference with Mon Mothma via holocam. Cassian heads off to help debrief Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi.

She barely makes it into the small, half-constructed room in the cave before her head grows lighter, and suddenly she feels as if she's floating away from herself, lighter and lighter, and the floor of the cave strikes her cheek with stabbing cold.

When Jyn wakes up, she's in the med bay, with its currently empty bacta tank the first thing that comes into focus. "Shit," she says, jumping off the cot they have her on.

"You can't leave!" protests K1-B, the medical droid.

Jyn glares at him.

"You need to eat something," he insists, motioning to a tray of porridge. "You fainted."

"I'm aware." Jyn scowls as she puts the spoon in her mouth. It's not bad. "Did you inform Cassian?"

"Not yet, but—"

"Good. Don't. He'll just worry," Jyn says, twisting the sheet in her free hand. It's not Cassian who's worrying now. Her brain twists itself in knots as her stomach churns.

"We did a scan. You have no head injuries," reports the droid.

"Good." Jyn shovels more food into her mouth, although it suddenly seems unappetizing. Eat. You have to.

"Did you know that you are pregnant?"

The spoon clatters into Jyn's bowl, splattering porridge onto her face.

Because she might as well have known. She's wondered for the past two weeks—three weeks?—as the surge of nausea became more and more familiar, but couldn't bring herself to ask.

And now it's real.

It's happening.

Shit.

"Almost three months along," the droid says. "If you've been feeling nauseated, I have some—"

"I don't need anything," Jyn says quickly, her mind racing ahead to the mission to the other side of Hoth, to the importance of getting a base established here as soon as possible, so the rebels can regroup, to Cassian and her father and to the child she can almost imagine, with her hair and Cassian's eyes.

Tears sting her eyes. Aren't you supposed to be putting the rebellion first? After so many years of choosing apathy?

Jyn's fingers close over her abdomen. Her heart skips a beat.

"Lyra!"

"Trust the Force," Mother insisted as she fastened the necklace around her neck.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?" she asks.

"I'm not allowed to share medical information except with—"

"Good," Jyn says, and she scrambles out of the med bay and almost runs into Chirrut. "Oof!"

"Jyn!" He catches her arm. "I'm sorry."

"No, Chirrut," Jyn says. "I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going."

"An old habit, I think," he says, a smile touching his lips. It disappears. "You're worried. The Force—"

Oh no. Jyn takes a step back.

Chirrut's mouth falls open. "Congratulations!"

The Force can sense life. Jyn cringes.

"But you're afraid."

Jyn snorts, wiping at her eyes. "Of course I am."

"Tell me," Chirrut invites as he gestures down the narrow, dark corridor. Jyn follows him to the small cavern he shares with Baze, although Baze isn't there now. Chirrut sets down his staff and lowers himself onto a bench that's cut out of the side of the cave. "Did something happen?"

"No," Jyn says. "I just—a girl with my life, Chirrut. What kind of life will a baby have? We're rebels. We're not—Cassian and I haven't even talked about children."

"You must have thought about it."

Well, yes. Jyn bites her tongue.

"He has too, I assure you."

"But not until—after this war," Jyn says.

"Jyn," Chirrut says, leaning forwards. "If everyone waited until the world was perfect to have a child, fall in love, improve your life, no one would ever do those things. We deceive ourselves if we think the end of the empire means the end of our problems."

"It does mean the end of the most obvious threat to our lives," Jyn points out.

"True." Chirrut pauses.

"But you and Baze had a relationship while everything fell apart, I suppose," Jyn muses. Her fingers poke her stomach. Can you feel this?

Chirrut snorts. "Yes. He was the bravest person I ever felt through the Force. We met when we were young, both pilgrims hoping to guard the kyber crystals and learn about the Force in Jedha."

"And then he lost his faith," Jyn says. Although he seems to have found it again, after the battle on Scarif. Albeit a more curmudgeonly kind of faith than Chirrut's childlike trust—Baze's is hard-earned.

"When the Jedi fell and the empire took over, many lost their faith," Chirrut says. "But I still loved him. And he was still the bravest person I ever knew. He's still the bravest person I've ever known."

And you loved each other and trusted each other even when everything changed, Jyn thinks. "I can't believe this," she says aloud, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around herself. "I don't know if I'm fit to be a parent."

"Jyn Erso," Chirrut says. "If anyone's fit to be a parent, it's you."

Jyn snickers. "Because every child wants their parent to be a rude, reckless, dangerous criminal, right?"

"No," Chirrut says. "But every child needs a parent who won't give up on them. And, Jyn, I've never seen you give up."

"But I did," Jyn says, swallowing. Her cheeks flame. "For years. After Saw abandoned me, I—"

"Maybe so," Chirrut says with a nod. "But I've never seen you give up on anyone you love."

Tears flow down Jyn's cheeks as she clutches the kyber crystal.

"You're scared," he says.

"I'm not."

"It's okay to be scared."

And I've seldom been allowed to be. Jyn wipes at her eyes.

Chirrut gets to his feet and takes a seat next to her. He wraps his arms around her. "Trust the Force."