NERV Bets On Death Battle

(Warning: All intellectual properties belong to their respective owners (Evangelion to Gainax, Death Battle to Screwattack, you get the idea). Properties will vary be episode. Please don't sue me. Special thanks to Yoshi3000 for letting me use the concept of Reality Warpers, go check out his stuff when you have the chance.)

Chapter 0: Getting the Boxes and Making the Plan

At the multi-dimensional transit system development center. Bzzzzzt!

We see a group of scientists and level 6-8 Reality Warpers working on a large machine.

Scientist #1: Are you sure that this is going to work this time? We've been working on this for months now and we haven't been able to properly test it.

Scientist#2: Trust me, it will work. By the time we're done here, we'll not only be able to move parcels, but people across all walks of life in the multiverse. Now, all I need is the test subject, and the test location. Bring out the test subject.

Two other scientist Warpers hauled in a series of boxes labeled "DB Test" into the room, setting them beside the machine.

Scientist#3: Here it is. I hope you know what you're doing with this.

Scientist #2: I know exactly what I'm doing: ushering in the new age of dimensional transit using this machine. Everyone, to your stations.

All 5 scientists in the room approached different control stations as the giant machine roars to life.

Scientist #5: Systems online.

Scientist #4: Coordinates locked on.

Scientist #3: Dimensional link established and going stable.

Scientist #2: All systems are go.

Scientist #1: Preparing to engage transit in 3...2...1...

Scientist #2: Deliver the package!

All of the boxes went through the portal created from the machine before the portal disappears, leaving all of the men and women of science to hope for positive results until one of the consoles hooked up to the machine revealed that...

Scientist #3: The package has appeared in the target universe, right were we wanted them to! This test is a pass!

All of the Warpers celebrated the fact that their hard work was showing signs of paying off as we cut tooooooo...

At Kensuke Aida's military themed hideout in the "Evangelion" universe. Incoming!

We see that the trio of Shinji Ikari, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida are sitting inside of a tent as boredom began to set in.

Toji Suzuhara: Uuuugh! What a way to waste a Sunday, I'm dying of boredom over here!

Kensuke Aida: Come on, guys. I know just what we can do.

Shinji Ikari: It doesn't have to do with using that mortar launcher you found digging around a couple weeks ago, does it?

Kensuke: OK, OK, no mortars. There's gotta be something we can do before we have to go back into town tonight.

As if responding to Kensuke's claim, a huge energy ball formed near the tent, causing the three boys to jump in shock.

Shinji: What the hell is that?!

Toji: I don't know, man. I bet it's the starting signs of an alien invasion.

Shinji: Great, because dealing with the angels wasn't hard enough. (In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm.)

Kensuke: You guys wait here, I'm gonna check it out.

Toji: Don't do it, bro.

Kensuke: If I don't come back in 5 minutes, then it's been a pleasure to know you all.

Shinji: Just be careful, we don't know what we're dealing with yet.

Kensuke grabbed a nearby rifle and slowly made his way to the energy ball's point of origin. It was about 3 minutes before he called out to the others.

Kensuke: Hey guys, I think I found what was causing all the commotion!

Both Shinji and Toji came out of the tent with whatever weapons they could find before joining their friend, only to be surprised by a set of boxes in the center of some slightly burnt dirt.

Toji: That's it?! A bunch of boxes?! Aw man, I was hoping for aliens to fight!

Shinji: "DB Test"? I wonder what's in these boxes.

Kensuke: Let's take 'em inside the tent and see.

Toji: Dude, you can't be serious. What if those boxes got some sort of space radiation or something?

Kensuke: And what if it's the key to actually going into space? Then you could fight all the space monsters you want.

Toji: Well if we can't decide, I say we let Shinji do it.

Kensuke: Well Shinji, whatdya say?

Shinji: Hmmm...we might as well see what it is we're dealing with. Come on, let's haul these boxes into the tent.

It only took less than a minute for the boys to haul the boxes in before they gathered around them with a sense of curiosity.

Shinji: Alright, let's see what we're dealing with here.

Toji: Careful man, it could be some sort of space trap.

Kensuke: Well we got plenty of firepower to deal with it if it is. Open the boxes, Shinji bro.

Shinji slowly and carefully opened the first box to reveal its contents.

Shinji: It looks like a bunch of...DVDs.

Toji: I'm gonna say it: evil killer space porn.

Kensuke: Better yet, let's put one of them in my portable DVD player before we assume it's aliens getting busy.

Shinji: Hold on, just let me sift through these.

The pilot of EVA Unit-01 sifted through the various cases before stumbling upon one that read "Play me first!". He then proceeded to put the disc into Kensuke's portable DVD player.

Toji: I can't believe I'm saying this, but come on, space porn! Let's see some aliens getting freaky!

Shinji: I doubt it's space porn. Aliens probably have way better formats than DVD to put their perverted adult films on.

The screen of the DVD player revealed a human male in a white lab coat with near black dark brown hair and hazel eyes under a pair of oval glasses.

Scientist #2: If you boys got this package, then congratulations! You boys are among the first group of test subjects for the new Multiversal/ Multi-Dimensional Transit System, a device designed to be used by non Reality Warpers to not only visit alternate universes but be able to send packages and other items across them! Now before we get to what's inside those boxes you found, I'd like to have a word with you three.

Shinji: How does he know that there are three of us watching this?

Toji: Lucky guess?

Kensuke: "Reality Warpers"?

Scientist #2: Shinji Ikari, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida...

Kensuke: It knows our names!

Toji: This is all kinds of trippy, man.

Shinji: How did this guy know that we would be the ones to find the boxes?

Scientist #2: I'm sure you boys have some questions upon finding these boxes, but don't worry, I pre-recorded this message just for you three to give you at least some semblance of an explanation of what's going on right now. You see, only Reality Warpers level 4 or higher have the ability to travel between universes. What is a "Reality Warper" you may ask? You might say that we're a group of very powerful individuals that have the ability to even slightly alter the continuity of other universes and the worst that would happen would be the creation of an alternate timeline containing the changed events, just as long as we don't mess with the core or "Prime" timeline. To run the basics of what some of the levels of Warpers can do: Level 3 warpers are basically what you are now: beings within a fictional work that have no idea that they're fictonal. Level 4 warpers, which you are now because of my little spoiler alert back with level 3 are aware of their reality and can break something known as "the Fourth Wall". Level 5 warpers can not only break the Fourth Wall, but also warp space and time inside of their universe. Level 6 warpers are the most common group that can freely travel across the dimensional pathways as they please. Level 7 warpers don't have any powers, but they can create any amount of realities for other warpers through the use of media formats like FanFictions and fan art. Levels 8 and 9 are pretty much more powerful versions of what Level 7 Warpers can do, but when a warper is classified as Level 10, they are the cream of the crop. Their level of awareness allows them to flawlessly travel across the multiverse without having to worry about anything. And before you ask, no. I can not make you guys warpers beyond level four because it would go against warper law.

Toji: Wait, does that mean...

Shinji (close up Randy Marsh style): Oh my god. We're just pictures. We're not even three dimensional, everything I know is now a lie.

Kensuke: Aw, man! If being a reality warper means what I think it means, I want to totally be one so I could be like Deadpool.

Meanwhile, in Marvel Comic's version of New York!

We see who else but he merc with the mouth himself: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson scratching himself while eating a chimichanga when...

Deadpool: (Sneeze) What the hell, someone talking about how awesome I am?

Back to the tent!

Scientist #2: I may not be able to make you guys warpers, but I can give you something that I think you can all enjoy. How would you boys like to get even with the evil organization known to you as NERV?

Kensuke: How is NERV evil? You two worked with them to save the world from the angels.

Scientist #2: Don't believe me, look in the box labeled "DB Test Plus Incriminating NERV Evidence", then try and call me a liar.

Our three young leads found the box they were told to find and looked inside at its contents: unedited documents and video evidence regarding the true nature of NERV, the Evangelions and the Human Instrumentality Project. After looking through most of it, needless to say that all three of them were pretty pissed off. Pissed off being an understatement.

Toji: Those bastards! Can you believe they just used us like that, Shinji?!

Kensuke: EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE! I don't believe it! Shinji, tell me this has to be some sort of cruel, unusual joke! Shinji? Shinji?

Shinji just sat there in silence, mulling over everything that NERV has done to not only him, but his friends and all of the innocent people that have been swept up in the angel attacks.

Toji: Come on, man. You're really freaking us out. Say something. Anything.

Shinji (with anger slowly but surely rising while his eye color shifted from his normal blue to Third Impact causing blood red): I...am...going...to...KILL...THAT...OLD...RAT BASTARD! Alright, crazy DVD guy, tell us how to get even with these motherfuckers!

Scientist #2: I know that all of this info must be a shock to you all, considering that this organization is pretty much responsible for every bad thing that has gone wrong in your lives, but you can't go and murder them. It would only be doing more harm than good at this state. So here's what you do: inside of these boxes are episodes of one of the best web shows ever created: "Death Battle". Where two characters, sometimes more from all walks of fiction fight it out in an all out, no holds barred fight to the finish where the last fighter left alive is the winner. Think of it as a geek version whatever your guys' version of "Celebrity Deathmatch", if you guys have something like that. What you do with those is watch all of the episodes, except for maybe episode 14 due to it being kind of an April Fools joke episode, and with your knowledge of who wins, show them to most of the NERV employees where no one can catch you and set up a betting ring where you can rig the bets to the point of scamming every one of those little rats save for the few good ones of your choosing for everything they're worth, ultimately ending with you three scamming Shinji's father to the point where he can no longer keep up with his plans and it all collapses under him. I wish the three of you the best of luck, make those bastards pay. Oh, and one more thing: hide these DVDs and the evidence somewhere only you guys can get to it so they can't screw the plan up. And if any Time Patrolers come around snooping around, you never met me, got it? Good. Good luck, gentlemen.

The video ended as Kensuke took the disc out of the player.

Kensuke: Are we really gonna do this? I mean, I saw as much of the evidence as you guys, and I can't believe that Shinji's own old man would do all that and throw you guys under the bus like that.

Shinji: Of course we are! These bastards need to pay for everything they made us do, all of the destruction they made us cause, all of the innocent people they made us hurt. Once we scam all of them out of every yen, we leak the evidence to the media, then everyone will turn against NERV all over the world. Toji, do you think that they gave Sakura all that expensive medical care after they made me fight the third angel just because they were sorry about what happened?

Toji: Not anymore I don't. These assholes need to go down, hard. Especially after they used our loved ones to fuel those bio mechanical crimes against humanity.

Shinji: Glad you agree with me. What about you, Kensuke? You in or out? If you don't want to join in on this, we wouldn't blame you.

Kensuke: No, the world needs to know what atrocities that NERVs been committing. I can't believe I'm saying this, but what they've done so far is worse than what Hitler, Pol Pot, Sadam and the dictators that rose to power after Second Impact have done combined. We gotta put an end to this.

Shinji: And we will, but only if we follow the plan that was explained to us through this DVD.

Toji: Hey, there's a piece of paper in the case of it.

Shinji: Really, let's see what it is.

Shinji then took the sheet of paper out of the case and unfolded it.

Shinji: It looks like the rules for that "Death Battle" show.

Kensuke: Well, don't be a stranger. Read 'em to us, man so we know what we're getting ourselves into.

Shinji: Alright. Rule #1: All combatants may only know of each other if they do in both canon universes. Rule #2: Fighters cannot know each other's movesets.

Rule #3: Even if fighters know each other in canon works, there will be no prep time given for the fight. Rule #4: Characters may be allowed to know of each other's names or their internet rivalry, but are not allowed to know of each other's physical traits. Rule #5: Combatants will poses no non-canon knowledge of each other. Rule #6: To ensure a fair fight, any character personality traits that prevent them from killing others will be ignored, but all other traits and tactics are left alone and largely to be represented faithfully. Rule #7: All research sources prerequisites are generally determined equally unless specified. Rule #8: Fighters are not allowed ANY outside help. Rule #9: To prevent fighters from exploiting weaknesses in order to gain a cheap victory, a character's weaknesses can only come into play if the opponent can find a way to detect them (examples include the likes of x-ray vision), or if there is a specific reason why said weaknesses cannot be exploited in any way. Rule #10: If a combatant survives a match long enough, they may discover a way to counter the fighting style of their opponent. Rule #11: All battles must end with the loser dying, or at least "dead" as far as physical forms are concerned (examples include being reduced to a ghost or gods and similar characters left with no working mortal avatar to continue fighting with). Rule #12: Pacifist warriors will not have their peaceful nature interrupt the fight, as previously mentioned, personality traits that prevent the fighter from taking a life will be removed (if their traditional arsenal uses nonlethal weapons, they can't change it and can only use lethal weaponry if they have them as part of their regular arsenal). Rule #13: All other traits will be represented with accuracy based off of the warrior's canon universes (expanded universes are only allowed to be mentioned if they don't conflict with the original canon). Rule #14: All consistent and canon sources available during the of an episode's release will be examined by the show's hosts (characters with multiple incarnations akin to your Marvel and DC superheroes and Godzilla will be composites combining the best aspects of all of their incarnations unless an incarnation is drastically different from others. If a specific incarnation of a character is chosen, the canon used will most likely be the most popular depiction). Rule #15: All research will avoid biases. If one warrior is allowed abilities from a non-canon source, the other warrior must be allowed to own non-canon sources as well. Also, if a certain depiction of the warrior is ridiculously overpowered,inconsistent, or bears powers that would be too difficult to examine logically, it won't be used. Be aware that not every weapon owned by the warriors in every canon will be used, and instead only the ones they commonly use or are their best or most iconic weapons (such as two opponents being equipped with their best armor, magic and weapons only if they have too many to show at once). If a warrior originates from foreign media, the American dub will not be used if it contradict the original source in any way. If a piece of media claims to be canon but clearly isn't, it will be avoided (alternate forms of media might also be avoided for the same reason). Because warriors are examined by their latest depictions, they cannot use any abilities they have lost in their past. Rule #16: Claims made by fans will only be considered canon if the official franchise or a character from an official source recognizes it (such as Chuck Norris and his book of 101 favorite facts and stories).

Toji: Hold up, Chuck Norris is one of the fighters in this show?

Shinji: I guess so, but we'll have to watch all of the episodes just to make sure. Now, where was I?

Kensuke: Rule #17.

Shinji: Right. Rule #17: To get as many common abilities as possible, the warior will be shown at their latest depictions or their oldest age as an active warrior (future canon will be avoided if it unbalances the fight). Rule #18: In the event of a 2D battle, a character's depiction in the fight will only be limited by what sprites are available for them (if need be, a sprite artist is on staff to make any sprites needed for a fight). Rule #19: Summoning of other combatants is not allowed unless the battle calls for it (such as two commanders fighting with their armies). Unless the battle asks multiple characters for each side, the combatants must fight alone, even if they are used to fighting alongside a partner ( such as summons not being allowed to have their summoner command it in the fight). There are few exceptions to this rule, such as if the fighter uses a creature for an attack that can reasonably be replaced by a non-combatant projectile, or when the act would fall under using the environment to their advantage. Fighters cannot be dependent on these creatures and in the case of a summon being used for an attack, the creatures cannot act on their own. Fake clones are also an exception, but they may not fight alongside the original simultaneously, as it would mean that the opponent would be outnumbered. Rule #20 (gasp): The terrain used in the fight will either be a terrain from the fighters' franchises or a location that both warriors are experienced working in (the area itself however doesn't matter, nor does it play any role in determining the outcome of the battle). Rule #21: The entire battle itself is just a visual representation of the researcher's conclusions (the environment only becomes important if a skills use it). Rule #22: The fight at the end of each episode is not what determines the victor, it is nothing more than a fun little dramatization showcasing most if not all of the research displayed beforehand of the combatants in action. The winners are determined before the battle through quasi-scientific analysis of their abilities, and the character with the objectively better abilities wins. (sigh) Oh, god, that's a crap ton of rules for a show where people fight to the death!

Toji: "quasi-scientific" what?

Kensuke: I think it basically means they do a shit ton of research and whoever has the better skills over the other wins while we get a cool fight sequence to show off the findings.

Toji: And yet, they couldn't just say it like that.

Kensuke: Hey, at least we got something to do now.

Shinji: Yeah, but how are we gonna watch them all in one day? We have to be back in town by tonight so we aren't late for school tomorrow.

Toji: Hey, isn't summer vacation coming up? We could use that to get the plan together, watch all of the episodes, and set up a betting ring to pull it all off.

Shinji: Not a bad idea. There's just one little detail, though: where are we going to hide the stuff so no one can find it?

Kensuke: What if we hid it here? You guys are the only ones other than me who know how to find this place, so keeping this stuff hidden should be a snap if we hide it here.

Shinji: Well I guess that settles things then. Let's hold out on watching these until summer break so we can do it all in one fell swoop, then we can iron out the rest of the plan before we put in into action.

Toji: Sounds like a freaking plan to me.

Kensuke: Oh, yeah, let's do this! Hey, there's some more stuff on the rule sheet.

Shinji: Really? "P.S.: you'll be getting a new episode every three weeks during each season's run, so be on the look out for those when you check wherever you hide all of the stuff." Oh, that's kinda cool.

The rest of the week went without many delays or problems as summer vacation arrived. Shinji and Toji made up an excuse that they were gonna spend their vacation camping out with Kensuke at a nearby park so they can still be near NERV when on call, which Misato bought while she was slightly buzzed and Asuka pretty much thought they were just gonna be morons all through vacation, something she wanted no part of at all. The next two weeks were spent plotting out every detail of their plan while they would watch every episode in the boxes. They were wowed by battles like Goomba VS Koopa and Garra VS Toph, Taken in by the sheer manliness of fights like Guts VS Nightmare, Master Chief VS Doomguy, Spawn VS Kratos and Chuck Norris VS Segata Sanshiro, and laughed their asses off with fights like Deadpool VS Deathstroke, Starscream VS Rainbow Dash and Justin Beiber VS Rebecca Black. When all of the episodes at the time were done, they had all of the details in place. All that was left was to spread the word all across NERV. How, with a simple invitation of course.

"This Friday, meet us in the closed off section of floor -4 of NERV headquarters to partake in something that will change your life forever. Present this invitation in order to get in. Bringing as much money as you can is recommended. Tell no one about this."

The plan was in place, the wheels were in motion, the time to begin scamming the people of NERV was about to begin.

(Author's Note: Again, special shout out to Yoshi3000 for letting me use the concept of Reality Warpers, if you want to know more about their inner workings, then you better check out his works. Before you ask, all three current seasons were included in those boxes, from the original Boba Fett VS Samus Aran to Deadpool VS Pinkie Pie, and they will be watching each new episode of season 4 offscreen when they get them. Again, thank you for reading, don't forget to favorite, follow, review unless you're a member of Critics United (I know what you've been doing to other writers by going against your word, and I will not stand for it), check out mine and Yoshi3000's other works and as always, DSX62415, out.)