Okay, so I didn't get this in under the month mark, but AT LEAST it came out before the new year. I'm counting that as progress. ALSO, I had (had) to read all 90+ freaking chapters of LilweenGalatrass' Bokuto fanfic Sowlmates!

BTW Lilween, I kept you in mind when writing this chapter. I hope it pleases you!

murasakibaras: thank YOU! I appreciate your support and I'm so so glad you enjoy reading this. I'll be posting my Kuroo fic tonight or tomorrow hopefully!

Kimimakku: WOW, I'm so freaking happy you binged this story. I also had a hard time with Oikawa initially but I think Furudate does a good job of showing that each team has their own merits. I enjoy thinking of Oikawa as the type of character I depict him as in this story. Someone who feels so much pressure that his facade becomes someone who can handle that pressure. I hope your writing has been going well.

xxXsilverXxx: Thank you for sticking with me and all my sporadic updates!

jungkookies: (*´ω｀*) OMG you are fantastic and I love you. You are forever signed up for free with an unlimited pass!

yukki-kouhai: I saw you reviewed at chapter 10 and I really hope the story has continued to be relatable! Thank you so much for your comments.

The conversation between Oikawa and Himari in this chapter is very personal so I hope you guys like it

Disclaimer: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

Chapter 19

In This Together

It was Friday and that was an issue for three reasons.

First, his phone refused to send his brother the most recent pictures he took of Takeru at the last Lil Tykes practice he went to. Taro had been sending him increasingly rude messages about it, steadfastly ignoring any explanation in favor of further harassment.

Second, he had been forced to skip his normal lunch routine to discuss his future with a counselor. No one had considered telling him to think about leaving the volleyball club and focus on his studies as they had with Makki and Mattsun. The job of the counselor when it came to him had been merely to help the coach contact the right scouts and send them the proper information.

Oikawa had already assumed there would be scouts at the coming tournament but he held back his irritation as the counselor spoke. It was the same conversation he'd received from his coach about representing the school in the proper way and making sure to lead the team. The same script adults tended to give over and over as if Oikawa had trouble understanding the first time.

The whole meeting had, in his opinion, been a waste of time.

Lastly, it was Friday and Naka-chan had yet to divulge any information to him. Initially he had been given a vague explanation about setting aside time outside of school to talk which seemed reasonable enough. Reason did nothing, however, to keep his thoughts from ricocheting at every angle in his mind. Just what could be so sensitive that it would cause her to all but run from him if he attempted to talk to her alone?

It hurt, he wouldn't lie about that, to see the look of regret on her face when she pulled away Monday afternoon. As if she thought opening up to him was a mistake. The thought weighed on him for two days before Iwa-chan growled out that he was being selfish. He might have gone overboard whining to his best friend but he was glad he did. Friends were supposed to tell your when you were being insufferable.

More than that, he was able to put the situation into the proper perspective: there was something difficult Naka-chan wanted to tell him. How he felt about waiting to hear it didn't matter. Her willingness to share something with him was a gift and no one who wasn't a complete tool complained about receiving a gift.

But it was still so hard to wait. His theories ranged from the more outrageous- Naka-chan being some sort of undercover spy- to her confessing her feelings for him. The latter was the most appealing, for obvious reasons, even though he felt he'd need to douse himself with a bucket of water every time he thought about it.

"Hey, dumbass, stop spacing out and help us clean up!" Hajime's voice ended up being just as effective as water.

"Awe man, you shouldn't have mentioned space. You know how hard Oikawa gets for sci-fi.*

Oikawa glared at Makki, opening his mouth for a retort when Mattsun walked by casually.

"You guys talking about Oikawa's alien shirt?"

"One time! I wore it once!" He had intended to sound more irritated and less whiney but did not succeed.

"Oikawa-kun?"

The laughter and heckling died down immediately and the group turned to Naka-chan. She hadn't used his nickname and she was staring at the floor but his face burned with a blush all the same. He threw the closest ball he could at Makki before responding.

"What can I do for you Naka-chan?"

He was not doing 'casual' well. Talking with her in front of Iwa-chan and Sato-chan at lunch was one thing, talking in front of his other teammates felt weird. They weren't part of the conversation, they were an audience.

"Will you walk me home today?"

Oikawa's heart thumped so hard he paused to see if anyone heard it. He swallowed, mouth suddenly dry.

"Of course. Just wait a few minutes while I finish cleaning-"

"We'll take care of it." Hajime called.

"We will?"

"No we won't"

Iwa-chan glared at Makki and Mattsun respectively and they flinched away. Turning back to Oikawa Iwaizumi nodded.

"I guess I'll grab my things."

"I'll wait outside the club rooms."

As they walked away they ignored the whistles directed at them and the subsequent cries of pain.

"Oikawa, wait one minute." Iwaizumi called.

Hesitant, Oikawa hung back, waiting for Iwa-chan to approach him. Hanamaki and Matsukawa, recovered from their beatings, were shooed away by Iwa-chan with threats of violence should they attempt to eavesdrop. Oikawa raised a brow.

"So." Iwaizumi spoke first.

"So."

Awkward sighs rushed out in unison doing nothing to relieve the sudden tension suddenly sprouting between them. Iwa-chan shuffled from side to side before his captain, unsure of how to say what he wanted. He had known Mari would be revealing her past today, she had told him as much, and he trusted his friend to handle the situation with the necessary care, but he felt a strong need to preface the coming conversation.

"So. Himari is going to talk to you today."

Oikawa's stomach moved like jello. Did that mean that Iwa-chan already knew what Naka-chan was going to say? He held his question, knowing there was more his vice captain had to say.

"There are things she's going to tell you that I already know and you're going to be uncomfortable when you hear them. No matter how uncomfortable you feel, she's going to feel it tenfold. Please, just listen without talking. No matter what your decision is after, anything you've had questions about for the past few months will be answered."

His stomach was no longer jello. It was lead. All of his previous whimsical notions as to what Naka-chan was going to tell him caught fire, burning to nothing and leaving the taste of ash in his mouth. He thought of what could make him uncomfortable and felt sick. There were too many options, none of them favorable to the other. Instictually he turned toward the exit to the club room, Nakahara's figure long gone.

"Breathe, Oikawa."

A heavy, calloused hand fell onto his shoulder, sliding away slowly as Iwa-chan left to join their teammates. 'Right. Breathe.'

Oikawa took longer than expected to return from the club room leaving me too many moments alone to become a nervous, pacing mess. I had taken one of my anxiety pills, the ones to be used as needed, in preparation for the panic-inducing conversation I was about to have. It kept the worst emotions at bay, allowing me to function like a pot of water on a stove. My water temperature was just below boiling. No matter how much the surface wanted to break and move, it remained still.

My usual coping mechanism was to ignore the emotion completely, walk away from the pot with no care as to whether it boiled over or not. In a perfect world, and after years of therapy, I would be mentally healthy enough to turn off the heat, to deal with what was causing the emotion, but I wasn't there yet. I was at the stage where you think you're handling it, but you aren't. I ignored one emotion and in turn every other emotion. I was a human husk with a black hole at the center. It let me speak freely about anything I wanted and left the aftershocks for my future self to handle.

As it was, I had the necessary medication to assist me. A band-aid, a crutch, until I was strong enough.

A slow creak caught my attention and I looked up to see Oikawa stepping outside. His eyes were wide like a deer caught in headlights and I had an inkling as to who put that look on his face.

"Did Hajikun talk to you?"

He froze, a guilty look gracing his face.

"Yeah, he said a few things."

I exhaled a short hiss through my teeth, annoyed. I was sure Hajikun hadn't said anything on the topic of my past but whatever he had said to Oikawa had twisted him up. We were meters away from each other and I could still see his tension.

"Breathe, Kawa-kun."

He chuckled and I heard him take in air quickly. When he let it out his posture was much more relaxed.

"Shall we?" I asked.

Wordlessly, he stepped to my side and we made our way to the school exit. Glancing down at our hands I saw his twitch a little. Maybe he wanted to hold hands, I hadn't let us get close enough to one another to do so since Monday. Even though I wanted to ease any doubts he had about my affections toward him I didn't feel comfortable enough to do so. Not when I was about to bring up something like rape.

Without intending to, my lips pressed into a thin line. That was just one of the things he would be signing up for if we continued going down the path we were on. There would be times, I knew, where intimacy would be off the table with no clear explanation as to why but for the feeling it gave me at that moment. That itself would be difficult to experience, let alone any of the other behaviors I had due to my past.

"Naka-chan?" Oikawa's voice was subdued.

Glancing over I saw the renewed crease between his eyebrows. I should have known that with his gift for observation he would have seen my growing discomfort.

"How did you meet Hajikun?"

It was obviously not the response he thought he'd get, he wasn't alone. I was as taken aback as he was but recovered much faster when I realized why the question flew from my mouth. The words were purely procrastinatory- searching for some semblance of normalcy between us before I broke it all again. When his surprise was muffled enough to reply he smiled warmly.

"It feels like we've always known each other. I introduced him to volleyball-"

"You mean forced him into volleyball."

"Rude! It's rude to interrupt during such a touching story, Naka-chan." He pouted but continued. "As I was saying, I introduced him to volleyball. Of course, I'm sure I came on strong. I'm not sure why he kept agreeing, but he did so I kept asking."

"Lend the eaves and have the main house taken."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, but you know how much older my brother is than me. I was begging for attention. From that time onward we were close. I barely remember the years before our friendship. I think it shaped both of us into what we are. I am who I am now because I felt comfortable enough with a friend like Iwa-chan by my side."

They brown of his eyes seemed to absorb the light around it and reflect it back even brighter. It had been quite a while since I had last let myself be so taken in by them and I didn't fight their pull. It must have looked odd, the two of us stalled on the sidewalk staring at each other. I didn't know his reasons but it didn't matter. As far as I was concerned the moment could have been our last.

A cyclist flew by us, prematurely ending our staring contest. I realized with a heavy sigh that we were close enough to my house to begin the preamble to my past.

"I'm glad you told me that."

I didn't say, 'At least you'll still have that after today.'

"I'm glad you asked. I think that's the first time a girl has ever asked me that."

His shoulders were relaxed, signature look on his face. 'I'm sorry…'

"You once asked me the same question."

Quick as a whip, the tension sprang back between us. No doubt both remembering the panic attack that had followed when he asked me the first time. I felt a lead brick fall into place around my heart.

"I recall that, yes."

"We've only known each other for about as long as we've been in high school."

He looked surprised, which I didn't find unusual. I was sure Hajikun hadn't mentioned me at all before my first, tense introduction with Oikawa.

"Don't be too upset with him, he wasn't hiding our friendship on purpose. Those are just the rules of the support group."

Oikawa sucked in a breath then, telling me that at least he knew enough about the trauma group to know that something serious brought me there. 'I wish that would make this easier.' We reached the gate to my house and I pushed through, pausing my explaination long enough for us to move through the house to the backyard.

Out of habit or from nerves I scooped up the stray volleyball that never left the yard and moved to the bench. I huddled over it protectively and looked at the ground.

"I told you before that I suffered an 'injury' that prevented me from pursuing volleyball. That's not entirely true. I made it sound like it was a knee or shoulder injury."

A warm presence settled to my left. The air felt heavy, cloying and suffocating. Another leaden brick fell into place.

"I'll start from the beginning. I played in junior high and I was doing just fine. Haru was in his last year of high school at the time. Some of our matches were held on the same days, it was a fairly common occurrence. My parents and Haru didn't make it to my match before it ended- late in order to surprise me with Hinata who had come to visit.

Before I boarded the bus I realized my phone was in the locker room and went back for it. Alone. I didn't realize someone had come in behind me. A stranger blocked my exit."

I took a shaky and dared a glance at Oikawa. He was looking at me with a carefully blank expression. It would have been concerning on his otherwise playful face on a different day, in a different conversation. As it was, a lack of outward emotion was better for me. I wasn't telling my story for entertainment or pity. I didn't need gasps of shock or a shoulder to cry on. He was serious as he needed to be for me and for that I was thankful.

"I had already started to call my brother when the stranger attacked. It's probably what helped them find me so fast, whatever they heard on their end. He turned the lights off as he moved so I was spared having to look too closely at him as he groped me. When he took off my shorts I threw up but he was covering my mouth so it had nowhere to go. I was choking when he started raping me."

My voice had grown quiet, meek with an emotion I was too familiar with. Shame. Every time I had to tell my story, to relive it in some way, there was always shame. I hated the sticky feeling of it, like no matter how much washing or scrubbing I did I couldn't get it off. It stuck to me inside and out black like tar and toxic. The anxiety medication had the forethought to take prevented me from breaking down but my eyes still burned with tears.

"I'm almost done, I promise. I was blacking out when my family found me before he could, you know, before he finished." I shuddered away the nausea rising. "The stranger went to prison. I stayed home from school for a while. Everyone thought I was healing until Haru found me burning myself. I have scars on my hip, bad ones from hurting the same spot over and over. Not long after that I went to my first support group meeting.

I attend those and see a therapist a few times a month or as needed. I take medication for PTSD and anxiety. I took emergency anxiety medication before we this conversation. I know I'm speaking faster now but I had to tell you this, all of it, because I like you. I like you so much that it scares me and I think you like me too. You deserve to know everything before you get in too deep."

That was it. The final moments in which Oikawa would weigh his options and decide if I was worth it. If he would want to help me carry my baggage until I could slowly rid myself of it. If he could add another layer to his life that required attention and thought. I stared at my hands, limp in my lap, and felt the final bricks wall up my heart. The decision was obvious.

"I-"

Oikawa cut himself off, clearing his throat. 'Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.' I forced my head to turn to the side, rusted gears being forced into motion. His hands were raised and shaking while the rest of him was rigid. He could have made a convincing statue if not for his eyes. They pulled the air right from my lungs.

Watery and wide they were unwavering. They looked directly at me with such purpose, with pupils so small his irises took my attention and held it solidly there. They hadn't been chocolate brown as I had so easily thought before. They weren't honey or russet or chestnut. They were a brown outside of any description where you might think there was an undertone of red or gray or, astoundingly, even purple. There was no simple classification for them other than the fact that they were his.

Hands still in in the air his lips moved again.

"I want to-" a thick swallow, "can I hold you?"

I couldn't say then that I had given any thought as to what his reaction would be. My mind had been focused on how I could prepare myself for the inevitable demise of our flirtation. No part of me had considered that he would remain by my side, certainly not that he would want to be close to me.

As I returned his stare and found nothing but resolution I let myself entertain the idea of saying 'yes'. I could sink into his touch and let his hands run through my hair, combing away the anxiety. I could finally take a deep breathe after a day of near hyperventilation while I agonized over this very moment. The prickle of tears returned to my eyes as I moved my head, a tiny nod of affirmation.

He moved slowly but with purpose, leaning halfway to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. In one merciful moment the distance between us was obliterated. I let myself clutch his vest and revel in the arm around my waist, the fingers already brushing through my hair taking care to from scalp to tip. His cheek rested on the top of my head and I felt our heartbeats stutter against one another trying to find the same rhythm.

"You are so strong," he whispered, "you are so strong."

I could have laughed. I would have to diffuse the weight surrounding us but the laughter never came. Tears did. Fat, hot tears that made seeing impossible spilled past my lashes without warning.

"I can't imagine the bravery it took to tell me that, to relive that, but I am grateful that you did. I'm selfish enough to want to know everything about you and nothing, nothing could make me feel different."

He moved his hands to my shoulders, pushing us apart so he could cradle my face in his hands. His thumbs worked quickly to wipe away the tears that came. I could barely make out that the whites of his eyes were redder than before. Blinking a little more cleared my vision enough to see his wet eyelashes. The smile that outshined the sun grew on his face and warmed me from the inside out.

"Mari-chan, I'm afraid too, of how much I like you, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to become an important person to you, one you can go to for anything. I want to be one of the reasons you're happy. And I don't mind getting in too deep because while I'm next to you I don't think I could ever drown."

My skin felt so hot I could have believed I was sunburned. 'Is it possible to be so happy it hurts?' In response my heartbeat thudded through me creating an ache in my chest. Out of habit my hands went to cover the blush covering my face but Oikawa's hands were still there. I grasped his wrists instead.

"I can't handle it when you're genuine like that." I mumbled out.

Oikawa laughed freely moving his hands away from my face and fluidly grabbing my own.

"Are you embarrassed, Mari-chan?"

If there hadn't been an obvious blush on his cheeks I would have been more irritated by his teasing.

"You have no idea. At least you'll feel the same when I tell Hajikun how you confessed."

Coming down from the stress and panic and subsequent joy I felt giddy. I laughed as I spoke feeling lighter than I had in months. His eyes widened in a manner that looked nearly painful.

"You wouldn't!"

"Maybe, maybe not."

I laughed more heartily accompanied by his signature whine. We lapsed into a comfortable silence then and my gaze traveled down to our hands. His thumbs ran smoothly across my knuckles in a simple display of affection. I remembered my aversion to touch before our conversation began and it felt silly. Holding hands with him felt safe, like a tether that could prevent me from falling off of the many cliffs my mind created.

It wasn't necessarily wrong of me to think that he might not want to pursue our relationship further, I wouldn't blame anyone for stepping back after learning something so traumatic. I thought, with a little guilt, that maybe I hadn't given Oikawa the full benefit of the doubt. Focused solely on myself and my feelings I had no room to take his into consideration.

"So, how do you feel, I mean, about…"

"I told you, it doesn't change anything for me."

I brought my head up again.

"I believe you. I do, but I want to know what you were feeling while I was talking. I think- well, I want to ask, you looked like you might have cried?"

There would never be a time when his look of embarrassment wouldn't endear him to me. He pulled a hand away to run it through his hair.

"Oh, that."

I waited, as he had when I paused during my story, and held his hand in silence. He looked away and cleared his throat again.

"I was terrified. I felt so sad and so angry that it terrified me. Then suddenly I felt so grateful. You, well, to be honest you have always confused me. I've never met a woman like you and because of that I did everything I could to make sure not to scare you away. Iwa-chan could have buried me when I told him how I felt for you, bringing up my, um, 'track record' with girls in the past.

Regarding you, though, I felt the need to change my approach entirely. I've been doing my best to attempt to read your body language to know what's okay and what isn't. It's because of who you are and how singularly unique my feelings are toward you that I've tried to follow your cues and, after learning what I have, I'm thankful that you are who you are. For bringing that out in me because I can't stand the idea of making you uncomfortable."

There are moments in life during which we take for granted the brain's capability to keep our body functioning. To keep us breathing when we hear something that surprises us. To keep our heart beating when we feel like time has stopped. To keep our eyes focused on the images in front of us. All I could do in that moment was hope that my brain could record every second so I could feel everything again.

I was made aware of my own breathing again when I let out a shuddered breath. I hadn't thought at all about his approach. There, of course, had been rumors that Hajikun himself had used to warn me against Oikawa, but I never felt like he had been overly physical. He was less physical with me than he was with Hajikun. I didn't realize it was a conscious choice for him.

"So, now that our awkward confessions are out of the way, what now?"

I seemed to have flipped a switch in him. The light in his eyes flickered to their highest setting.

"We go on a date!"