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Return to Where I Belong

Chapter 7

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Dear diary, here I promised that I will never leave my girlfriend…

Now bid me run, And I will strive with things impossible, Yea, get the better of them.

Never in my life had I ran so fast in the rain, without the care for my difficulty keeping my eyes opened, nor the heavy humidity that took my breath quicker. I couldn't even feel the burn on my legs half-way through that at any time I could fall and who would know how far I would slide. With heavy thoughts in my head my girlfriend once said to me to still be mindful of the surroundings, that the senses and logic would still work under pressure, so it didn't matter how much work there were one could achieve the impossible; and that very line impressed my father to give his full permission for my beloved to date me, and that very line was used at our family dojo since, as she was however, my family. I bumped into strangers on the way without a sorry in the world because the next minute I wouldn't see them anyway.

– A truck that was issued for maintenance had drifted, from the slippery street right in front of my eyes just before the light that crashed into me. But a person as she looked like Honoka pulled me back to give the phone in my pocket back as it seemed that I dropped it, that prevented truck from hitting the brake so suddenly for it was its green light.

– A sudden storm in summer blew a tree so forceful that broke the trunk until its crown fell upon me, with twigs and branches so sharp. But I crashed into someone so kind and gentle like Kotori, that it had slowed me down, and again when a tree had fallen right before me.

– A small flood formed around an intersection, that I missed some parts covered by the puddle that the pavement wasn't level, that I had slipped and tripped before hitting the back of my head on the kerb. But there were friends so close appeared like Hanayo and Rin that blocked my way that they had almost fallen on an unlevelled pavement, that made the three of us helped each other to pass with our shoes drenched to the sole.

– An old store had for years ignored the safety inspection that the owner hadn't replaced or enforced the glass windows that the storm broke it as I ran pass and shatters of glass fell deep inside of my skin and my head. But a music store I passed, that I had to look back, because it seemed that a girl about my age that played the piano as well as Maki played the song of my first dance; there was a store that was given a final warning a block from where I stood, for its endangerment to the pedestrians and had the whole store fully renovated by the month.

– A lane that I always use as a shortcut to the apartment had let a lightning through that hit me and burnt the blood in my veins out of me, leaving ashes as my organs. But a kid, with her two younger siblings were about to cross the road looked like too young for them to be in an open yet blinding storm, that I had to pull out a poster for it looked like Nico's debut and used it as cover for the four of us to cross the road that I had to use the normal route to get to the apartment.

I had no time to waste, all I had been doing was to get back to my girlfriend in one piece, full canvas. But if the gods were not with me that evening, I wouldn't have made it to ask for forgiveness form the last goddess that fell in love with the ocean, the divine being that I had insulted most.

The billion stairs to get to her apartment was not an obstacle for me, with a broken foot I wouldn't mind climbing to catch her. On my way I had the time to myself, a despairing and dour and dreadful place to be if I were alone, to think about how I had let her down. On each step I could say a wrong that I had made, and I could see another was waiting in front of my foot, another mistake that I was aware of. And on each step I prayed for forgiveness. On one of those steps was engraved my idiocy and on another was my cowardice. I had to go through each to make me a person worthy of a place upstairs. An atmosphere that I had to get myself used to on that final stair, as I stepped and passed on the last carving; my selfishness.

Through the dark corridor I slowed down my steps as the cry sounded clearer with each step I made. Somehow, I found myself walking through a past so similar. From where I came her door was opened, I heard her.

'Give her back,' echoed through the hall, 'give Umi back to me,' resounding pray.

Just over a few metres I kept hearing the same voice cried over the same sin, until I got to the opened door that seemed to be the same as how it was since I left scrambled – wide opened. I creeped up until I myself could close it but I didn't, because the apartment that I was so familiar with was pitch black and that the only light available was from the moonlight that the hallway let through.

I stood in front, where other apartments had their mats, I looked inside and saw my girlfriend cowered by the back of the sofa on the floor. Her legs were folded and her hands were on her head.

'I'm sorry, Umi,' she said, anew, for at least for me who just arrived. 'Please, come back.'

I shadowed the moonlight that made the girl aware. She turned by letting her head go. With bloodshot eyes she looked at me, swollen but there were no tears anymore. She didn't look surprised with me standing in front and she didn't look surprised when I entered to sit on my knees in front of her. Only her eyes and her head followed.

'Well, this is new,' she said with a blank expression.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left. But I'm here now. I'm never going to leave.'

'Yeah,' she replied, 'but there's nothing I can do to stop you. All I do is driving you away since the start, am I right?'

'No, no. That's not true!'

'Then tell me, the first time we ever argued, whose fault was that? It was my blemish wasn't it? I became unavailable to you to go out on dates, but when we did I didn't pay attention to your problems. I talked too much with other people that I talked less to you. You hated me then, because I asked you to be committed but I wasn't.'

'Don't say that!' I voiced without thinking if it would wound her, but she didn't budge. 'You were never in the wrong. The school was closing and you were the first one to know, and to solve it. You had to do what you did; I was the one who got jealous.'

'But you were right what you said back then. I didn't divide my time properly for you, and you were mad at me until I joined µ's.'

'I thought we promised to forget what I said.'

'Well, I'm sorry. I could only forget what you didn't say.' She looked at me as I noticed the bags under her eyes and her reddened nose. Her corn-flower blues were no longer blooming as they were tainted. The stare was still blank but she tried her best to reshape a smile out of herself. 'You look beautiful.'

'So are you.'

'I'm sorry I ever disappoint the real you, I only wish for the happiest life for her. I just didn't know I'm not the reason for it.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Can I tell you something? It's very despairing, but it's no skin off her teeth, but I don't like the life I had before I met her. I just feel like I was wasting 16 years of my life not looking for this girl, and only for about two years of knowing each other, she's going to leave me. You know, 16 years out on the sea wouldn't be enough to find her.'

'But within two months you found me twice.'

'Look, I don't know when she's going to come back or if she would return at all,' she said while she turned to the door. 'I just want to say I love her. It's her decision to what will happen to us. But please… come back, Umi…'

'Then can I ask you something before she comes back?' I asked.

'In a blink of an eye you can disappear,' she said still at the doorway, 'but sure. What question do I possibly have that I haven't asked myself yet, or maybe what sick place I haven't imagined I put myself in, I'm actually curious.'

'The girl you love so much will come to you and she will apologise, I can guarantee it. She will beg for forgiveness. She will list the things she did wrong, and she would disagree every "mistake" that you made. To her, you're everything she had, and she will tell you that she loves you too. Since she was little, she kept dreaming for the perfect person to be with. She wanted a beautiful girl by her side, who can cook all the food she likes and read the same books she reads, who would pet her head and brushed her hair, who would let her pet and brush as well, who would share a first kiss together…'

Her head turned to her imagination again, right in the eyes, and her stare was weighed by heavy peculiarity. She no longer recognised the stranger in her mind who was conquering. The eyes, the stare of the vixen vanished and I recognised my girlfriend.

'She knows that person is you and she has a question,' I continued. 'Then she will come to you but I want you to be ready for your answer. Keep that answer to yourself until the question is asked. But you should know that the question will only be proposed years from now. That's because she needs time, and I'm sure you do too. And in that time, she must reshape her life, she will have to change herself, to learn and to love you better, and save enough money, to be a person worthy for you to wed.'

The hands that hung steady began to flinch, while mine reached out to her face. I aimed for the one with a single tear that I wanted to wipe too. She suddenly startled when my finger touched her, as if it was so sharp that hurt her cheek. Her chest movement started to quicken and her eyes widened. Her imaginary girlfriend had disappeared.

'Umi?' she reacted. 'Umi? Is it… really you? Umi?' She quickly grabbed my arm, a little placing her hands all over me too.

'I'm here.'

With all her strength she struggled with, and all the tears that suddenly built up, she jumped at me that made me fall too. I only use one had as a support for both of us while the other was to hold her the way I always had, reassuring it reached her back to make her feel secure that I also had her whole and around. In the pitch black apartment with my clothes and my hair dripping wet she cried over me.

'It's really you. Umi… I'm sorry! I truly am sorry.'

'You don't have to. You're not supposed to be the one apologising.'

'I don't care, Umi,' she cried. 'I love you. I don't care if you don't love me, because I always will.' She bawled even harder when I tried to remove her from me.

'You're not supposed to accuse either,' I replied. 'Because I love you too.' She loosened and finally the both of us could sit normally. 'I'm not going to leave you either. But I'm sorry I took a long time to come back. But I'm here. Like you said, in the student council effort and attempts are next to nothing but results are everything. So please stop crying.'

'I… I can't help it, Umi. I love you so much. No one in the world could make me like this and you're just the only person I love right now and forever. And thank you for coming back.'

'I love you always and will always come back. I belong with you.'

Right there, on the floor we sat, and we kissed. She took the upper arm while I took her waist, as it was only fair as she was the one who jumped. I still felt her cheeks wet because of me, but I still felt her clothes became too because of mine. I still haven't dried myself but the both of us didn't care about that as long as we couldn't talk.

There was something about this kiss, one that did not fade for a long time from our lips and our memory, like her perfume as thick as my first day of school lasting forever as long as I stay close. We enjoyed the kiss equally and it was the longest that we had kissed in one breath. The kiss was spectacular.

Then we ended it before we got any further, as I was cold and so was she. On the floor we were wet but we didn't stand as we spent another minute there to hold our partner in life and connected our foreheads together after that ceremonial kiss. With both of her hands still on me she rebuilt the smile on her face, so beautifully and effortlessly she pulled an angelic look.

'Hey,' she sweet called, 'where have you been for hours?'

'I went to see Nozomi.'

'What?' She removed herself. 'What happened? Umi you didn't…'

'Let's say we got things out of our way.'

'No, no. Let's hear more of that. Umi, what happened?'

'We just talk, and… she told me everything, and that's all of it. Why didn't you tell me about her and what she actually did?' I slowly caressed the cheek, that was forever sensitive.

'Oh,' she re-leaned, 'because… you always have a bad temper if I go near another girl. My manager said her apologies yesterday, Umi. You even scolded a fan away. So of course, I noticed, Umi. That's why I never gave you any detail more than a name.'

'Then,' I stroked her jaw to chin, 'because I promise to protect you, I hope we will never run into her for the rest of our lives.'

'So you know about my first kiss?' she asked in her smile.

I nodded that made her head moved along. 'I'm sorry that I asked you that question earlier today, I never meant to hurt you either. I didn't know you have only kissed one person.'

'It's okay. For you a kiss is a precious life-long souvenir from a foreign princess isn't it? For me a kiss is not something to give so easily, because it's an equivalent trade between two persons. So what do you think, Umi? I gave you mine.' She moved back and touched her lips with the hand that earlier that night was holding on dear life on my shoulder. 'Do you think you could steal someone's first kiss again now that you know? Of a princess you finally found?'

'I only knew that from Nozomi at the end. All these times I kept thinking and I didn't mind who stole it because I love who you are, but once I did, I… I felt that my life's just so perfect. You're so perfect and you accepted my love. Actually, just from that one detail I would die peacefully. But to have all those details fulfilled, I'm just…'

She brushed my dripping hair away from my face until she exposed my forehead again. 'And my life will be perfect once I get to fulfil every one of your wishes. There's a reason why others don't get their confessions accepted by me, so you must get over that. I love you and that's all there is to it. And I only say yes because I was telling the truth.'

'I know… Speaking of truth, I still have a promise that I'm bound with forever,' I said when I got myself closer, so I could plant a kiss on her cheek, the same side I always left, 'to give you a kiss like that whenever you share something about yourself. Today I got to spend the time in your head, looking at what you'll be like without me. I can't stand it. It's horrible.' My eyes began to swell and speech became incomprehensively rusty. I cared for her head with both of my hands in a gentle manner, making sure it wouldn't crack. 'You need me more than I realised.'

'I do,' she said muffled on my chest as I hugged her head. 'So for the rest of today, I need you to hold me. To make sure the one I'm talking to is real.'

'Fifty to seventy years after I ask my question I will still hold you.'

...

The night was still a little bit too early, though the dark had been around for too long since evening. The apartment was still dark, and the moonlight was no longer the source of our light. As I held her hand we first set up the candles we had left in the apartment – though it was empty, we somehow had a few, which we didn't even remember when we bought them. This was because her phone in the coat had long been damaged since I had to run in the rain earlier. Her hand had stabilised when I asked her to lit. We set a few on the kitchen counter, the coffee table, and the dining tables too. Before we went to the second floor we also mopped so we wouldn't slip.

We took a few more candles as we went up, with her hand still ringed to me. We set up another few in the bedroom and in the bathroom. Then we got to an awkward situation, where my girlfriend pursued me to take a shower since I was still dripping wet but at the same time she didn't want to let go of my hand. But as we both knew my girlfriend had the solution: to talk while I took a shower. Then we took turns, and we kept talking – from that day onwards we didn't mind it anymore.

Then we went down again. Since there was no food in the refrigerator and would be dangerous to cook in the dark especially with my girlfriend holding onto me, we ordered food using our neighbour's phone. Somehow, things happened that made it look like a memory we recently had. So, we recreated it. We had a simple balcony, candle-lit dinner. We dragged the end table of the sofa and two dining chairs. We were in our house clothes eating our own bento. And we laughed harder than we never did, talked like we never been so familiar, and flirt shyly like never loved. We took our time eating because we didn't want the chat to end so quickly, but it was alright since we still continued on the railing we leaned on to watch the well-lit sky. Since the rain had stopped, longer that we remembered, the moon and the stars were looking down on us, so close they wanted to hear our blanket-covered flirtations.

Our flusters didn't leave us long, but we were too cold by the strong wind if we wanted to continue, and we wanted to continue. But before my girlfriend led me to the sofa, I pulled her back. There was one that she forgot to do, the foxtrot ballroom dance. There was no music, so I sang the same song for her before she teased me for being romantic. But I eventually did. She led the steps, just how she did in the masquerade ball. I fell in love with her all over again and again with each twirl she led. Our long night turned to be perfect, with the arms of the one we loved were around each other.

We re-celebrated our first monthiversary.

...

The dance was coordinated, we were one. My beloved had taken her turn to hum a song, though she needed a lot of persuasion since she didn't want to stop listening to mine. She chose a mellow melody and so I took closer steps, of mine and between our feet.

'Umi,' she said in between her humming, 'you're so close, we can't move that much.'

'Then let it be a slow dance,' I replied as I put my head on her shoulder while we still danced. There I heard her true voice from the heart. So close that I was on her, she kissed my forehead before she placed herself on me. I closed my eyes as I enjoyed the night.

But then I remembered, something that I hadn't done for her.

So I opened my eyes again and removed myself from her that she reacted. It stopped our dance as we were. There was a foot in between us and had my hands to myself, tied in front of me. There was an adorable girl in front of me so confused with her arms still hanging in the air. I told her not to worry, and not to move when she tried to fill that step.

'Can you at least tell me what you're doing, Umi?'

I shook my head to the sides, twice on each. 'Just stay where you are,' I said. For a second I had forgotten, but I looked behind me to see the hanging wall clock I had brought from my room. Then we started our countdown, just that only I knew about it. 'And we're not supposed to talk during this part.'

Then there we stared at our own lover. She still only had a little idea on what I was doing; and none for what was to come to her in the future. So I gave a smile that would say just how beautiful she truly was, to my senses of sight, hearing, smell, and taste. And she appreciated it by returning my smile. And true, she was beautiful from where I stood. Her hair was a little messy that it seemed that she wasn't aware of, I just wanted to fix it but that wasn't allowed because the only thing we were supposed to do were to look at each other's eyes. But I had to at the end, when my girlfriend turned her head around because I took a step to refocus her head to me and move back again. And only then within the first minute, that she realised by looking at the clock behind me, and finally she gave a wider smile to me and backed her focus at me. She suddenly shone brightly to my eyes. That was my one minute.

My heartbeat slowed and drummed a simple rhythm from the percussion. I began to see my girlfriend of how nobody had ever seen her or would, because only I had the privilege to be standing in front of her. I saw her, with eyes that once suffered survived the harsh and still could stand so steadily and take up a simple and local girl like myself. It didn't matter if she were younger nor elder, but she had already matured in a way that attracted me so much that I was drawn to her like a pirate with the beautiful ocean, in storms and in calm love would never fade. Then I remembered the two sparks I had when I met her, but this I felt a sudden spark sevenfold probably enough to blow up the apartment if her gas stove leaked. Everything of her enticed me. That was my two minutes.

The medley feeling, though in general direction for love, had me swollen on the spot. Her eyes suddenly got worried, restlessly too, that she immediately moved to me. She rushed my cheeks and wiped them. 'I'm alright, thanks,' I said. 'Four minutes, I promise.' I moved back after I gave her cheek a kiss. We were an arm-length away and I held her hand. I was sure my tears still pouring but I had a true smile on me. Her expression just stayed worried, but I only could fix it by caressing her cheek for the next two minutes. Though we stayed still, I felt closer to her that I could finally see everything about her without any wall that blocked my feeling, no hiccup. That was my three minutes.

This very feeling was a reminiscent of our first date. But the more I got closer to her I noticed I began to look away from her. On our dates I noticed what I had done wrong and in our conversations, I noticed too, that I slowly moved my focus away from the angel. But during that last minute, because the Sonoda family always respected promised and honour, but I had forsaken one for my own girlfriend for I myself had to repeat the promise I first gave my girlfriend: to always be truthful, to engrave memorable stories with my girlfriend, to be with her for she kept my fears away, to always be with her and fix any problem that may come between us and not let that foot separate us. Every feeling I had for her, since they were all the good things, were on a life-time ecstasy. That was my fourth minute.

I rushed up and hugged her. I just love her so much.

Do you know the four-minute stare experiment? It does work, and very well. Already then, I believed she was my soulmate, but for her and those who didn't believe such truth, I would be sure this would do the magic.

'Hey, Umi,' she called after we had drifted somewhere far from where we started our dance. 'Do you want to continue our talk on the sofa maybe?'

From hearing her say that, I stopped. I picked up my head to look up at her, our nose almost touched. The arms around her neck I pulled so I could play around with the necklace I gave her. I cleared my throat to give my best enticing voice. 'Actually, I was thinking we should go to bed and get some rest,' I purred.

'Oh,' she said while she distanced her face from mine. 'It's a little early to sleep, don't you think so?'

'I don't think so,' I replied while I raised my chin up as if I were aiming for a kiss. I also introduced my hands at the bottom of her neck with a firm grip, while I pulled my best a coy invitation – eyebrows raised to widen the eyes.

So, she agreed without a word, because she tried for a kiss, but I moved back on each attempt she made, as I only allowed a minimum of 1-inch distance between our lips. My Pocky game for my delicate white chocolate. Then it was about a minute that she tried until I took her around the apartment, to blow on each candle on that floor with one last to bring along the stairs. We set it aside on the table before we closed the door.

I pulled my girlfriend to the bed and we climbed but we didn't go under the cover just yet. I sat with her while I kept my teasing game.

'Before… before anything happens,' I said with the same rub on her neck, as I looked up at her eyes and down on her lips then back to her eyes, 'I still don't think I'm ready. Today. So…' I paused and approached closer. 'I'm sorry if I stop you at any point. I know you've been waiting for that moment, the phase four, or even five, you talked about, but…'

'It's alright,' she said as I took too long. 'I have been waiting for it but I will be waiting until you're ready. I'm not going to force you either, but I'm hoping that you will be ready one day.'

'O-of course! It's just… something so shameful…'

'It's only a shame if you're humiliated by it. Maybe I'm not a part of your private life just yet so you have difficulty on it. But again, I can't just enter until you let me, even if that magical minutes, that I was sure you took advantage of taking ten minutes instead, wouldn't be enough. Here's something you can do.' She cleared my hair that covered much of my ears. 'Rub my head twice and say my name, and I will stop. Of course, that's if I let you talk.' She gave me the safe word.

I gave her a final smile before she could see it again for some time. 'You can kiss me now, you know.'

So, she went for a kiss and I finally allowed it. There we lied, first she was on top then we swapped. There wasn't a tempo we followed just yet, but she had introduced her tongue and so did I. She reached out into mine, but she slowly pulled back, which I followed. But before she could fully retract hers I bit her tongue with my lips. Apparently, however, she took back her mouth fully from mine. She looked at me astonished with her lips still made an opening. She giggled too and tried to hide it with her hand.

'You have the lead, Umi,' she said after removing her hand. 'The pace is all yours. And so am I.' She wrapped her arms around and awaited my move.

My position was above her while there was still a gap between our bodies, and she lied with her hair spread underneath, and she didn't do anything but smiled. I was never given a chance to lead, in our living room dance nor the sofa pulls – the ones whenever she pulled me over especially after I came back from school. I was stared at by my own girlfriend below me, as she waited while I froze, I was under pressure as it may.

She enlightened me as I didn't know how to start, so she started to pull down me after she had a laugh at my stage-freight. I began with her lips again, the one that looked so glossy like a moth-inviting flame. She responded politely when I shared her my tongue in her, which in fact, made her strengthened her pull. Then I realised, she hadn't used and of her hands on me after a minute or so that we made out. I had to be the one to start.

With her blue nightgown, the only part of her body that were exposed were her legs; something I found peculiar that I haven't been well-introduced yet. So I did by myself, ran my hand on her legs. I did two runs on each one of her legs. She reacted with each lap, and I thought it was cute of her. Her legs were long, and they were as smooth like butter on bed of croissant as the rest of her body. They were one of the attractive points of my girlfriend. They were sensitive, and they were difficult to take my hands off. But once I did, I made sure I didn't skip her inner thighs too, where she responded with a chuckle in our kiss.

With that, I couldn't stop myself from using both hands to get to know my girlfriend's body. Just like how I remembered her plays, I copied the same movement as from memory. From the knees which were lifted, I slightly massaged my way up her body from the both sides. I passed the lining of her underwear, I went along the curve of her waist until the ribs, pass the straps of her bra and to her arms. Only then I stopped our kiss. The nightgown was hooked on my wrists that it was lifted until right below her chin. She helped me took it off by lifting her torso and her raised her arms. And it was off, with her golden hair followed. I took her the one stage of undress.

I looked at my hands, the very clothes my girlfriend was wearing, and it was no longer hers. On the side of the bed I rested her nightgown before I turned to her again. She sat with her legs folded to the side, arms crossed with one hand holding the heart locket. She sat only in her bra and her underwear. Even in her state I was enticed. My heart pumped larger amount of blood throughout my body when I looked at her, before it burst when she uncrossed her arms because I saw her cupped breasts hugged by her very arms.

A sudden thirst I felt for the girl. In haste, yet not rushing, I placed her down on the bed without forgetting to properly place a pillow under her head – I wanted her to feel as comfortable as I was earlier that day. But before I could lay myself beside her or even on top of her, I got a glimpse of her whole body which turned out into a stare at the end. I drooled over the goddess whom actually let me.

I didn't stare too long though, because I remembered my place, the one whom lead. So I placed my arm under her head and folded, until my hand perfectly landed on one of her breast while the other already had my other hand. There was one for each. Then I remembered her lesson on mastering her body, how to make her vulnerable, and I did, and she was. Her hand made a hook on my neck once I started to grasp on her breasts. I saw the same blush and the same cry, which only hooked me into continuing. The cry however, I muffled it for a while when I gave her a kiss.

Our body had moved much since we started, and I found myself enjoying too long of taking advantage of my own girlfriend. So, I let her be for a minute. But I still glued my hand on one of her breast while the other I set on a venture, my hand the vagabond. Within that minute I had reached her legs again, the legs that were almost knotted, which I soon parted with my hand through.

She still lied on her side to me while I was too at her. She became self-conscious since. I started my hand on her belly and over her navel, the tender and toned body that I found as attractive, slowly and steadily made my way down. Her grip on my hand tightened while her stare still locked to my eyes. Then finally, she closed them by placing her head next to mine and started to gasp and huff when I my hand was between her thighs, overlapping her delicate.

And there I felt my beloved's, on the tips of my fingers and on the palm of my hand. In between her thighs and her waist, where I didn't recognise the parts except for my own. She was naturally beautiful to my sense of touch. But how shameless of I to touch, even approach, something so private that I haven't got a permission to. How shameless of I to not asked either. How shameless of I to not allow my girlfriend to do the same to me. But she didn't push away and I didn't move away. Then I became aware of the most sensitive part of my girlfriend that I never knew, one that she would react and respond just from the slightest movement of my hand. I definitely had the pace that night. Her voice entered a note I could not otherwise apprehend. Her body movement responded proportionally to the effort I put into my hand, that she eventually made a fist of the bedsheet and another interlocking my fingers on her breast. Her legs also moved around the sheet so much – I had to fix them probably late night or in the morning. I still didn't know how to skipper her body, but whatever I did, she deemed to enjoy.

I held my girlfriend like a delicate camellia, with tender-hearted love.

For some time, I kept my delicacy of my girlfriend and I found her irresistible to take my hands off, as much as I was driven by temptation, but I could at least finally stop the kiss that muted my girlfriend for a few minutes. My hand had become damped and her short breaths quickened. Her grip had become weak as well as her eyes.

'Umi,' she called with an unstable tone so busy. She still gasped and huffed. 'I'm… You must stop… if you're not willing to go all the way, Umi. It's only fair… Because I… I can't take it anymore.'

Before I realised I had got ahead of myself, not at all aware the very thing I did to my girlfriend was the one thing I avoided to get ourselves into. My hand hadn't stopped, even though her grip suddenly became clawing until she had to gnaw on the pillow. I had kissed and muted her again for a couple of minutes and at the end she cringed on me before she reminded me one last time.

'Umi,' she whined for the second time after she pushed herself out my hug. 'You have to stop… unless we're doing this today.'

I couldn't imagine if she did the same to me, and if I had, I couldn't imagine letting my girlfriend go as far as I did.

So I stopped; I hadn't removed myself but at least I stopped. She let out an exhale finally for I felt like she had held her breath like she was drowning. She was exhausted, weakly still catching her own breath and still panting. Her hands also loosened themselves gradually. I stroked her head so gently for I had been so aggressive on my girlfriend. She covered half of her face with her hand.

'A-are you alright?' I asked after I gave her time.

'I'm… I'm fine, Umi,' she replied. 'Let me just… take a breather.' She looked over to me while she weakly held onto my neck. 'What's got into you?'

'I'm sorry, I'm just… not…'

Still weakly, but it was as if she hadn't had all her strength taken for her that she brought herself to kiss me before she picked up herself to sit. She straightened her back like a stretch and turned her head to look for the clock while she untangled her hair. Her chest movement still was a little paced as if she just ran a marathon.

'Wow, really?!' she exclaimed and followed by a titter. 'It's getting late, Umi, and today's definitely not the day, right?'

'I'm sorry.'

'Hey, you don't need to say sorry. I understand.' She turned her seating position to face me who was still on the pillows. 'Listen, if we were going to do something after today, unless you're ready… you can't do that. I've showed you where's the line, but what you did just now is off-limits, okay?' She covered just her front with a pillow and a laugh. 'Umi, are you listening?'

'Yeah, I am.' Thus I gave a smile too that she missed. 'I promise. And I'm sorry again.'

'Also,' she continued after she removed the pillow and rested her head on it, 'you stripped your girlfriend out of her clothes tonight and now she's lying half naked before you. Do you think you can even the odds, at least? For me?'

I looked up and down on her body as I sat, to get the better view. She was willing to give me this far in her private life, yet I barely opened mine to her. It was no longer shameful couple acts that I was embarrassed about, but of my manners for my own girlfriend instead. From the start of our relationship, even before we dated, I had always put myself on an even keel with her; yet I had not shown any sign of it when we got to our bed. So, I agreed.

She lifted herself too and aided me, though I could do it myself. But it not like the usual, as I also felt her care. She too folded my clothing at the edge of the bed. I closed myself as how she did earlier. It was cold, a little windy on my body. I felt so exposed, so much skin my girlfriend could see, with only one layer left before I was bare. I felt I was already vulnerable. But none of that mattered anymore, when she kissed me. My hands were better off holding my girlfriend than to my own. I trusted her this much, from that day onwards. I no longer felt like I was on show as my girlfriend sitting in front of me was as the same.

I didn't feel lonely, and that was all I needed to keep my fear at bay.

She laid me down before pulled the covers. Even with minimal clothing I felt comfortable resting my head so close to her while she cuddled me around her arms. The skins of our bodies touched but I was not repulsed and was not at all cold. It took a few seconds until I got used to, that I had to move around a lot, especially when our legs intertwined. Thoughts kept disturbing me about the fact that my girlfriend and I were half-piece-clothing left until nothing could separate us.

Then I realised as my nose was literally sniffing a breath of her hourglass flacon as there were barely any cover. I had mistaken my first impression of her; no, my second. I thought her shampoo, her soap, her lotion, her detergent, and her perfume were the chord of her scent. But there was barely any of those in her dressing table and drawers, yet it was life-lasting scent she maintained – for university she barely used any, for work she had her own in the agency, for our dates she would apply just enough to catch a whiff. But it was her whole being, there as she laid before my nose, was the vintage wine that intoxicating me the two years I had known her. How shameless of I to dare compare and unknot. Her scent. She was her own perfume.

However, that didn't matter as I felt the cosiest peace I never had found, until that I never wanted to leave a gap, as long as I was under her tender care. Then I realised I didn't feel much difference on how we dressed in front of each other. I only felt homesick whenever I had to go without her being by my side. Around her arms I was at the dock of the bay. And in her kiss, I was in Grasse.

...

In my diary for that very long day, I didn't write much. But in my diary that day, I noted a line I would use for my girlfriend that I picked up from our four-minute stare, 'I love you as much as two hearts' and I would be sure to use it and would only be once, straight before I ask the question.

The artist is the creator of beautiful things.
To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim.
The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new
material his impression of beautiful things.

End