Writing "True Hearts" I had no way of anticipating the great responses I'd
get on it. Thank you SO much to mugirl, wendy, Falcon-Rider, oleanderrose,
Anne, Kawaii, Rain Dancer, Fojiao2, Spufette, Haley, suzy, sugarspice,
Emmylou, JJ, Anonymous, raine77, sita electra, VampiresKiss (check her site
out!), charisma1525 and last but not in any way least Irrel. You made my
day when I saw that high number of reviews! Absolutely fabulous!
Now, I had no thought at writing a sequel whatsoever until some of you seemed to be eager at the idea and made a spark fly into me. BAD readers! ;) Well, there you see what a little encouragement can do, making a writer do just about anything for you guys! *grin* Hope some of ya will be back for this. Otherwise, color me red.
This is set in season7 directly after last weeks ep. (which I didn't see so please don't flame me for small details being off, I've tried to keep it as low-key as possible.)
This IS a S-e-q-u-e-l to "True Hearts" and though I believe you can read this without having read that I think it just might enhance this of you do read that. Get me?
There will be four to five chapters to this story - thus three or four are to be posted within the next few days. HOPE to read some reviews and if so HOPE you guys like this!
All My Love, Annie.
True Hearts - Move Heaven and Earth
By Annie
2003-02-08
She knocked softly on the door. The hesitation and carefulness of her manner was brought on by deep insecurity with what she had done, how she had decided; and with where the fact of that decision was taking them, what it meant to the both of them.
"Come in," his voice sounded from behind the door and she drew a small breath before she put her hand on the knob and twisted it, pushing the door open she let the knob go and kept herself in the doorway as he looked up from where he was seated on her bed and met her gaze.
God, how haunted those blue eyes of his always were these days.
Pushing the thought away she crossed her arms gingerly over her chest and then rested one shoulder against the doorframe before she asked softly:
"How are you doing?"
He smiled tentatively, then broke eyecontact as he looked down at his hands.
"Oh, you know," he replied, voice low. "The wounds heal pretty quick on me," he added and she smiled a little as well.
"Well, good," she said, not able to beat back the disliking of the stale conversation.
She stood where she was for a few more moments and then made as to turn away, thinking she should leave him alone for a while, when he asked:
"Why d' you do it?"
She turned her head back to him, resting her eyes in his as she wanted to find the rightful answer. The honest answer. And she felt herself recoil. She couldn't...
"I just..." she began, trailing off and she knew he could see the growing tension on her as his gaze grew questioning and searching.
"Buffy..." he said slowly and she smiled again, this time dismissively.
"I didn't have much time to make the decision," she answered and he cocked an eyebrow.
"And your gut-highly-evolved-Slayer-instincts told you to get the chip outta my scull?" he wondered, sounding rather disbelieving and she shuffled her feet uncomfortably, not answering him this time. "Buffy," he said her name again and now she turned from him, leaving the room as she mumbled:
"Get some sleep."
***
"You look so tired," Willow said as Buffy walked into the living room to join the Wiccan on the couch.
"Same to you," the Slayer replied with a weak smile, taking a seat to her friend's right and leaning back against the cushions.
"Yeah, guess we have reason," Willow sighed and Buffy closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead with one hand and shaking her head a little.
"What have I done, Wills?" she grumbled, opening her eyes to look at the redhead. "What if he loses his soul? What if something just goes terribly wrong and he LOSES it?! If he goes out killing again it'll be those person's blood on MY hands."
Willow smiled slightly at that.
"Spike got his soul back for YOU, Buffy. He made the decision as a full- scale vampire and he sacrificed everything... Do you really think he'd go back to killing after all that? Soul or no soul, chip or no chip?" she asked and Buffy grew self-conscious as she twined her fingers together hard on her lap. "Especially now, when you've showed him that you trust him."
"I..." Buffy started at that, but she grew quiet as she settled back against the cushions again. "Why does it scare me so much? Why does this make me feel like I'm... crawling out of my own skin? It's worse than worrying about him stalking the streets waiting for an opportunity to suck me dry! Having him up there," she added silently, glancing at the stairs.
"Well, if push comes to shove you'll be there to stake him, right?" Willow more stated than asked and Buffy's eyes grew slightly.
The silence following made Willow raise her eyebrows.
"Guess not, then?" she wondered and Buffy smiled a little, pulling her legs up before facing her friend again.
"I don't know, Wills. He's already killed again, remember? I couldn't do it then... I just knew that it wasn't his fault," she then grumbled.
Willow obsereved her for a few moments in silence, then she spoke.
"I wish I could be the one with all the answers," she said earnestly. "I wish I could explain all the weird twists of every last extra-weird circumstance that we keep finding ourselves in... But I'm not the gal for that. The only one who can EVER answer any of the questions you have about what that vamp up there means to you is you, and you know that."
Buffy fidgited with a wrinkle on the black trousers she was wearing and then she nodded.
"Yeah," she murmured. "I know that."
They grew quiet, but it was of the easy, between-friends kind and so none of them cared to mind. Willow again was the first to speak as she asked:
"Do you think that you might have any sort of...warmer f-..."
"No," Buffy almost snapped and Willow once more raised her eyebrows, questioningly. "No," Buffy repeated before getting to her feet. "I really am tired. I think I'll head up, if you don't mind?" she added and Willow shook her head.
"'Course not," she assured.
"Good night," Buffy said and Willow watched the former leave the room with a concerned furrowing of her brow.
"Yeah," she murmured. "Good night."
***
Buffy dragged her feet as she walked down the hall to the door of Willow's bedroom. Stopping she glanced at her own door and then she proceeded through the former, closing it tightly behind her before leaning against it.
She hated the confusion he ALWAYS caused her. He had been confusing her since the first moment she laid eyes on him, in one frustrating way or another. Always there. Always a stubborn part of her life. And now...
What had he done? What had he done for her?! Why wouldn't he listen to her? Why did he simply refuse to hear her when she said that she couldn't. She couldn't love him.
I can't, she thought. It's not the soul, it's not the vampire in him...he's just not...'it' for me.
She just hated the sense of loneliness eating at her whenever she thought about that fact. And she knew that feeling was the ultimate villain. She could NOT cling to him out of loneliness. She could never do that to him. Not ever.
Running her hands through her hair she pushed away from the door with her back and then she walked up to the window of the room, looking outside and trying to get her thoughts to calm down. Crossing her arms over her chest she bit her jaws together.
So, so many horrible memories were linked to him. Or at least the image of him. Him NOW was light-years away from him THEN. Though the way he looked at her was the same, and it scared her. That frightened her to the core.
What had she done? What had she done to him?!
Drawing a breath she turned from the window and walked up to the dresser standing against one wall. Leaning gently against it she reached out a hand and then brushed her fingertips against the picture frame holding a photograph of three smiling Scoobies. Buffy, Willow and Xander. Years ago. Spikeless years. Or...year.
Why was everything suddenly revolving around him? He was on her mind constantly. She fretted over his well-being, she worried about the First coming after him again, she felt like her heart was breaking over the way he acted. So retracted. So silent and observant. So careful in his manner...
About to turn to walk up and crawl under the covers of the awaiting bed her shoulder hit one of the notebooks placed at the edge of the top of the dresser and it fell to the floor with a low thump. Loose peices of paper scattered out of it at her feet and she grumbled as she squatted to pick them up.
She worked quickly, gathering them into a pile before taking it in her hands to even it. As she was about to put them back within the covers of the notebook her eyes got caught on the first page.
"To what I will
thy will command
these links of memory unfold
Break them then
and then thy hand
will keep this chapter ever untold
No means to take
but take one link
and make so that if needed be
This paper torn
will open eyes
and make the spell once more set free."
The writing was Willow's, undoubtedly, but what made Buffy's eyes grow was the small note the Wiccan seemed to have left herself. It seemed hastily scribbled down and it read:
"Do NOT let this page get ruined or it'll hurt your best friend in the worst way possible! Keep it safe, even though you won't remember what for, and just trust yourself when you write that this spell is too powerful to release on Buffy EVER again! She made you do the forgetting spell you wrote down on the top of this page, and if you were to tear this paper up all hell would be set loose. Believe you me, that you mean that literally. It's too weird calling myself you and I need to stop anyways, so one last thing - DO NOT TEAR UP THIS PAGE! Love, Willow."
Buffy smiled a little to herself, despite the sinking feeling in her heart region and the growing curiousity in her chest. Biting her lower lip slightly she moved her hand to the top of the page, taking the edge of it between her fingers and feeling the almost seductive urge to rip it apart.
Backing off she shook her head at herself, moving her hand away and then replacing the papers in the notebook before rising to her feet and putting the book on the spot where it had been.
"Stupid," she mumbled to herself before walking up to the bed and pulling the bedspread back.
Undressing and putting on the pajamabottoms and top, which she had retrieved out of her own bedroom as the vampire took possession of it, she glanced at the notebook before crawling into bed.
The feel of cool sheets and the soft pillow beneath her head was as soothing as she had pictured it earlier and she closed her eyes.
In the matter of a minute she was turning onto her stomach, trying to find a more comfortable position. After half an hour's twisting and grumbling she threw the covers off of her and got out of bed.
Walking downstairs she entered the kitchen where Kennedy and Willow were talking quietly. Both looked up and the Slayerette gave the Slayer a smile, which the latter returned before asking:
"Would you excuse us for just a moment?"
"Of course?" Kennedy replied and Willow looked rather wondering as she got off the stool and followed Buffy into the living room.
"What?" the redhead asked and Buffy hesitated.
"Well," she then said, "I accidently tipped over something in your bedroom," she added tryingly and Willow's eyes grew.
"Not the green Garda bowl!" Willow nearly exclaimed and Buffy shook her head.
"No, no. And - huh?" she asked, then shook her head as her friend was about to reply. "Never mind. I knocked down one of your notebooks and there were papers in it that kinda fell out and when I was picking them up I kinda..."
"...saw the forgetting spell and all that comes with it," Willow filled in, nodding a little as though it was clear as day before adding: "Bad Slayer!"
"I know," Buffy sighed. "And I'm really sorry. You know I'd never snoop... Well, around YOUR stuff. But... what is it? I mean, why's it so important you don't tare that sheet of paper? And what's it have to do with me?"
"I don't know," Willow answered. "It's a forgetting spell, remember? It tends to make you forget. I obviously put a loop hole in there for SOME reason... I mean, I made it so that if the paper's torn then the spell that caused me to cast the forgetting spell will be put back into motion," she added and Buffy looked rather lost.
Willow smiled.
"I understand why you're curious. How do you think I'VE felt all these years?" she asked and now Buffy's eyes grew.
"YEARS?" she asked and Willow looked apprehensive.
"I dunno if I should be telling you this," she said, but Buffy merely gave her a look and so the Wiccan moved on. "Alright. I cast that spell three and a half years ago," she now stated and Buffy stared at her.
"Three years?" the Slayer breathed. "What can possibly have been the reason for it?!"
"Buffy," Willow warned.
"What?" Buffy replied, trying on an innocent expression but Willow smiled again.
"Let's REALLY not go there, shall we? I may not always be the alfa female of the group, but when it comes to stuff I tell myself I take myself VERY seriously," she now said and Buffy returned her smile.
"You're right," she concurred. "Whatever the reason it must've been really good," she added, giving Willow a hug before turning to go back upstairs.
"You understand that spell isn't to play with, don't you?!" Willow called after her as the Slayer exited the living room in favor for the hall.
"Yes, yes," the latter assured, ascending the stairs.
Buffy walked down the hall to have another go at the going-to-bed part of her evening when something almost pulled her in the direction of her own bedroom door and before she could stop herself she placed a hand against it. Leaning forward slightly to try to listen through it.
Her hand slid down to the doorknob and she just about turned it, then she changed her mind and backed away before turning and walking into Willow's room instead. Once more closing the door behind her she took the few steps up to the edge of the bed and sat down.
Sighing she felt wide awake and after another minute of simply staring at the wall before her she decided to get up to have herself a little walkabout. She just happened to circle up to the dresser again - to have another look at the photograph clicked with a camera in her age of innocense, nothing more. She really had grown as a person and as a Slayer since then. Of course, going from sixteen to twenty-two just might do that to you, she supposed.
Her eyes once more landed on the notebook. With two moments of being incredibly close to reaching out her hand to grab the book she then decided against it. Willow really was right. The spell wasn't to play around with. She herself had obviously had a REASON to have Willow put a forgetting spell on the both of them. And whoever else that might be involved in it.
Taking a step forward to walk up to the window her shoulder hit the book and her eyes widened as it slipped off the shelf. Her instincts took over and she reached out her hand to grab it before it hit the floor. The loose papers had already begun to slide out of it and her fingers missed the actual book but grasped the top three sheets. There was a ripping sound and she practically gasped with surprise as she sunk to her knees. Her fingers releasing the still half covered by the notebook sheets and her hand trembling as the fact of what she had just done slowly filled her head.
Maybe it hadn't been the sheet containing the spell that made the noise. Hopeful she reached out and flipped the front cover of the notebook open. The written words creating the spell were now devided - on two parts of the paper since the top half of the sheet had been torn in half.
"Uh-oh," Buffy breathed.
How did this happen! She hadn't even WANTED it to! Damn it! Willow was gonna have a quiet and Willow-y yet very distinct fit!
Okay, then there was the fact of the other SPELL! What was gonna happen? Lightening from the sky?
Buffy moved her eyes, taking in her surroundings and finding herself holding her breath.
Nothing.
Well, nothing as of yet, she remarked dryly to herself in her mind. But you just wait a few minutes or hours or whatever and then you see what hell on Earth you've created with this absolutely idiotic mess-up!
Tape! She just might be able to fix it. Getting to her feet she brought the notebook with her and made sure the papers were tucked into it before she put it back on the dresser for the second time within the hour. She wasn't sure that Willow had any of the supplies she needed, but she was positive she had some herself, in the drawer of her bedside table.
Walking up to the door, through it and then up to her own she stopped. Swallowing she hesitated. She seemed to do nothing but hesitate when it came to him.
Slowly she reached out her hand, put it on the knob and turned it.
Please, let him be asleep. Please, let him be asleep.
Her prayers were answered as she could hear his soft breathing.
Thank God, she thought, sneaking inside and closing the door gently behind her as her eyes rested on her goal - bedside table drawer.
Taking a steadying breath she carefully approached it.
She wasn't sure why, but she didn't dare to look at him. Afraid that something as small as that might stir him awake. Not so sure why she was suddenly close to petrified of the thought of having to face him...
Her heart was beating hard in her chest as she stopped and reached out her hand to grab the small handle of the drawer. Taking a hold on it she almost closed her eyes in anticipation as she began to pull it out. Finally having a gap wide enough she leaned forward slightly and looked inside, her eyes landing on the plastic container of the roll of tape and she smiled to herself.
Easy.
Sticking her hand inside and bringing it out she pushed the drawer back in place and then straightened her back, about to turn around and leave when his left hand suddenly twitched right next to her leg and she drew a breath in surprise as she took a step backward, her eyes landing on the hand in question and her heart skipped a beat.
She felt nailed to the floor as she stared at the soft curve of his thumb and the powerful gentleness she knew lay within those other four fingers of his. She dropped the tape and it fell to land on the carpet at her feet, but she didn't even notice she wasn't holding it anymore.
He had such beautiful hands.
The thought was enveloping her mind and she couldn't get out of it. It kept repeating itself and she took a small step forward and then sunk to her knees as she kept observing the back of his hand, the stretch of his fingers that were resting on the covers.
Almost in a trance she reached out her right hand to let her fingers slip over his, turning her hand over so that the back of it slid gently against the back of HIS hand and then moving her arm so she could slide her fingers to grace his palm.
Closing her eyes she suddenly found herself smiling to herself. Then she leaned forward and placed her lips carefully against the smoothe skin between the knuckles of his index- and middle finger before moving her head and resting her forehead against the spot.
Something was... happening to her. What had she come in here for again? She couldn't remember. Everything seemed so dim except for... him.
She raised her head to look up at his face. Pulling herself to her feet as she leaned over him she placed her face above his and then moved her left leg to put it on the other side of him, straddling him. Her hands rested against his chest and she felt a jolt slowly run through her as her fingers took in the taut muscles beneath the thin T-shirt he was wearing.
Why was he wearing clothes to bed? He never wore clothes to bed!
Almost annoyed she straightened her back, looking down at the sleeping vampire and frowning.
What's happening?
Then she smiled again.
She knew.
Reaching up her hands she took a hold on the hem of the T by his throat and then she ripped it open. It was surprisingly easy how such subtle details - as all the times she had ruined T-shirts, shirts and whatever else he might have decided to wear in his foolishness when they were at the peak of their affair the year prior - came back to her.
Sometimes he had merely smirked and returned the favor. Other times he had let hear a loud "bloody hell, Slayer! Do you think I sodding steal my clothes purely for the fun of you tearing them off of me?!"
She almost grinned at the memory of that complaint.
Of course he had.
Then she grew serious as her eyes slid over his naked chest. Biting her lower lip she could feel the need for him start to take over completely and it actually shocked her how unchanged it was. How raw and pure and how natural it felt.
Natural...
She almost jerked herself away from him as a wave of panic rose beneath her bossom. However, for the first time that panic had no footing, and it had to give way to the growing emotion which seemed to be rooting out everything else.
She leaned forward again, her hands sliding up his torso and he stirred gently.
She stopped as her face once more was positioned right above his and then she closed her eyes as she slowly moved it forward. Her lips almost trembling as they softly connected with his and she felt like she needed to cry. She kissed his upper lip and then his lower before pressing both of hers to his mouth and now he moaned, sleep eluding him at last.
She heard the surprised intake of breath and opened her eyes to rest them in his.
The emotion within her surfaced with no restraints and in that moment she knew, she really knew; and she was defenseless against it.
He looked questioning, but what made her smile this time was the never dying hope beneath the blue of his gaze.
He had never given up on her. Not really. Then again, does anyone ever truly give up on someone that they love.
No, they don't.
"Buf-..." he tried, but she cut him off by slipping her tongue out and into his mouth, kissing him deeply as she relaxed her upper-body into his; her hands sliding up and into his hair.
He returned the kiss confused and tentative at first, and then she could feel his hunger grow and the kiss grew more passionate with it. His hands travelled up her back, to her shoulderblades to press her to him.
Rolling her over, their bodies still entangled, so that he was ontop of her he moved his mouth to kiss the side of her throat. Her hands took a harder hold on his hair and she drew a deep breath before moaning softly.
He was surrounded by her and all that mattered to him was the feeling of her close to him again. He didn't care why, he didn't care how, he didn't care. She was everything and right now everything was his to have. He couldn't let that go. He had missed her so badly.
"Spike," she whispered, kissing his shoulder and then resting her forehead against it as he kept moving his lips over her skin.
"Buffy," he mumbled, pulling himself up to look down at her and she met his eyes with such a suddenly tender expression in her own that he frowned slightly.
She had never looked at him like that.
Then she moved her head up and her lips once more locked with his, both deepening the kiss almost harshly as the months without the other began to grow into awareness.
Spike had no idea for how long they kissed. It could have been minutes, it could have been an hour, but after that time had passed the kiss slowly but surely grew slower. The exploring their hands were doing grew lingering and more precise; causing them both to shiver whenever one of them hit a familiar spot of pleasure.
He was the one to break the kiss and once again move his head to trace the outlining of her neck with his lips. Her hands were on his shoulders and then her arms slid around his neck as she pulled herself closer to him, hugging him so tight it made him stop what he was doing.
Burying his face against the side of her throat he slid his arms under her and hugged her back.
"What's wrong?" he asked silently.
"Don't stop," she whispered, voice shaky.
"Buffy..."
"I love you," she now stated slowly and his eyes shot open. "Spike, I love you so much..."
Now, I had no thought at writing a sequel whatsoever until some of you seemed to be eager at the idea and made a spark fly into me. BAD readers! ;) Well, there you see what a little encouragement can do, making a writer do just about anything for you guys! *grin* Hope some of ya will be back for this. Otherwise, color me red.
This is set in season7 directly after last weeks ep. (which I didn't see so please don't flame me for small details being off, I've tried to keep it as low-key as possible.)
This IS a S-e-q-u-e-l to "True Hearts" and though I believe you can read this without having read that I think it just might enhance this of you do read that. Get me?
There will be four to five chapters to this story - thus three or four are to be posted within the next few days. HOPE to read some reviews and if so HOPE you guys like this!
All My Love, Annie.
True Hearts - Move Heaven and Earth
By Annie
2003-02-08
She knocked softly on the door. The hesitation and carefulness of her manner was brought on by deep insecurity with what she had done, how she had decided; and with where the fact of that decision was taking them, what it meant to the both of them.
"Come in," his voice sounded from behind the door and she drew a small breath before she put her hand on the knob and twisted it, pushing the door open she let the knob go and kept herself in the doorway as he looked up from where he was seated on her bed and met her gaze.
God, how haunted those blue eyes of his always were these days.
Pushing the thought away she crossed her arms gingerly over her chest and then rested one shoulder against the doorframe before she asked softly:
"How are you doing?"
He smiled tentatively, then broke eyecontact as he looked down at his hands.
"Oh, you know," he replied, voice low. "The wounds heal pretty quick on me," he added and she smiled a little as well.
"Well, good," she said, not able to beat back the disliking of the stale conversation.
She stood where she was for a few more moments and then made as to turn away, thinking she should leave him alone for a while, when he asked:
"Why d' you do it?"
She turned her head back to him, resting her eyes in his as she wanted to find the rightful answer. The honest answer. And she felt herself recoil. She couldn't...
"I just..." she began, trailing off and she knew he could see the growing tension on her as his gaze grew questioning and searching.
"Buffy..." he said slowly and she smiled again, this time dismissively.
"I didn't have much time to make the decision," she answered and he cocked an eyebrow.
"And your gut-highly-evolved-Slayer-instincts told you to get the chip outta my scull?" he wondered, sounding rather disbelieving and she shuffled her feet uncomfortably, not answering him this time. "Buffy," he said her name again and now she turned from him, leaving the room as she mumbled:
"Get some sleep."
***
"You look so tired," Willow said as Buffy walked into the living room to join the Wiccan on the couch.
"Same to you," the Slayer replied with a weak smile, taking a seat to her friend's right and leaning back against the cushions.
"Yeah, guess we have reason," Willow sighed and Buffy closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead with one hand and shaking her head a little.
"What have I done, Wills?" she grumbled, opening her eyes to look at the redhead. "What if he loses his soul? What if something just goes terribly wrong and he LOSES it?! If he goes out killing again it'll be those person's blood on MY hands."
Willow smiled slightly at that.
"Spike got his soul back for YOU, Buffy. He made the decision as a full- scale vampire and he sacrificed everything... Do you really think he'd go back to killing after all that? Soul or no soul, chip or no chip?" she asked and Buffy grew self-conscious as she twined her fingers together hard on her lap. "Especially now, when you've showed him that you trust him."
"I..." Buffy started at that, but she grew quiet as she settled back against the cushions again. "Why does it scare me so much? Why does this make me feel like I'm... crawling out of my own skin? It's worse than worrying about him stalking the streets waiting for an opportunity to suck me dry! Having him up there," she added silently, glancing at the stairs.
"Well, if push comes to shove you'll be there to stake him, right?" Willow more stated than asked and Buffy's eyes grew slightly.
The silence following made Willow raise her eyebrows.
"Guess not, then?" she wondered and Buffy smiled a little, pulling her legs up before facing her friend again.
"I don't know, Wills. He's already killed again, remember? I couldn't do it then... I just knew that it wasn't his fault," she then grumbled.
Willow obsereved her for a few moments in silence, then she spoke.
"I wish I could be the one with all the answers," she said earnestly. "I wish I could explain all the weird twists of every last extra-weird circumstance that we keep finding ourselves in... But I'm not the gal for that. The only one who can EVER answer any of the questions you have about what that vamp up there means to you is you, and you know that."
Buffy fidgited with a wrinkle on the black trousers she was wearing and then she nodded.
"Yeah," she murmured. "I know that."
They grew quiet, but it was of the easy, between-friends kind and so none of them cared to mind. Willow again was the first to speak as she asked:
"Do you think that you might have any sort of...warmer f-..."
"No," Buffy almost snapped and Willow once more raised her eyebrows, questioningly. "No," Buffy repeated before getting to her feet. "I really am tired. I think I'll head up, if you don't mind?" she added and Willow shook her head.
"'Course not," she assured.
"Good night," Buffy said and Willow watched the former leave the room with a concerned furrowing of her brow.
"Yeah," she murmured. "Good night."
***
Buffy dragged her feet as she walked down the hall to the door of Willow's bedroom. Stopping she glanced at her own door and then she proceeded through the former, closing it tightly behind her before leaning against it.
She hated the confusion he ALWAYS caused her. He had been confusing her since the first moment she laid eyes on him, in one frustrating way or another. Always there. Always a stubborn part of her life. And now...
What had he done? What had he done for her?! Why wouldn't he listen to her? Why did he simply refuse to hear her when she said that she couldn't. She couldn't love him.
I can't, she thought. It's not the soul, it's not the vampire in him...he's just not...'it' for me.
She just hated the sense of loneliness eating at her whenever she thought about that fact. And she knew that feeling was the ultimate villain. She could NOT cling to him out of loneliness. She could never do that to him. Not ever.
Running her hands through her hair she pushed away from the door with her back and then she walked up to the window of the room, looking outside and trying to get her thoughts to calm down. Crossing her arms over her chest she bit her jaws together.
So, so many horrible memories were linked to him. Or at least the image of him. Him NOW was light-years away from him THEN. Though the way he looked at her was the same, and it scared her. That frightened her to the core.
What had she done? What had she done to him?!
Drawing a breath she turned from the window and walked up to the dresser standing against one wall. Leaning gently against it she reached out a hand and then brushed her fingertips against the picture frame holding a photograph of three smiling Scoobies. Buffy, Willow and Xander. Years ago. Spikeless years. Or...year.
Why was everything suddenly revolving around him? He was on her mind constantly. She fretted over his well-being, she worried about the First coming after him again, she felt like her heart was breaking over the way he acted. So retracted. So silent and observant. So careful in his manner...
About to turn to walk up and crawl under the covers of the awaiting bed her shoulder hit one of the notebooks placed at the edge of the top of the dresser and it fell to the floor with a low thump. Loose peices of paper scattered out of it at her feet and she grumbled as she squatted to pick them up.
She worked quickly, gathering them into a pile before taking it in her hands to even it. As she was about to put them back within the covers of the notebook her eyes got caught on the first page.
"To what I will
thy will command
these links of memory unfold
Break them then
and then thy hand
will keep this chapter ever untold
No means to take
but take one link
and make so that if needed be
This paper torn
will open eyes
and make the spell once more set free."
The writing was Willow's, undoubtedly, but what made Buffy's eyes grow was the small note the Wiccan seemed to have left herself. It seemed hastily scribbled down and it read:
"Do NOT let this page get ruined or it'll hurt your best friend in the worst way possible! Keep it safe, even though you won't remember what for, and just trust yourself when you write that this spell is too powerful to release on Buffy EVER again! She made you do the forgetting spell you wrote down on the top of this page, and if you were to tear this paper up all hell would be set loose. Believe you me, that you mean that literally. It's too weird calling myself you and I need to stop anyways, so one last thing - DO NOT TEAR UP THIS PAGE! Love, Willow."
Buffy smiled a little to herself, despite the sinking feeling in her heart region and the growing curiousity in her chest. Biting her lower lip slightly she moved her hand to the top of the page, taking the edge of it between her fingers and feeling the almost seductive urge to rip it apart.
Backing off she shook her head at herself, moving her hand away and then replacing the papers in the notebook before rising to her feet and putting the book on the spot where it had been.
"Stupid," she mumbled to herself before walking up to the bed and pulling the bedspread back.
Undressing and putting on the pajamabottoms and top, which she had retrieved out of her own bedroom as the vampire took possession of it, she glanced at the notebook before crawling into bed.
The feel of cool sheets and the soft pillow beneath her head was as soothing as she had pictured it earlier and she closed her eyes.
In the matter of a minute she was turning onto her stomach, trying to find a more comfortable position. After half an hour's twisting and grumbling she threw the covers off of her and got out of bed.
Walking downstairs she entered the kitchen where Kennedy and Willow were talking quietly. Both looked up and the Slayerette gave the Slayer a smile, which the latter returned before asking:
"Would you excuse us for just a moment?"
"Of course?" Kennedy replied and Willow looked rather wondering as she got off the stool and followed Buffy into the living room.
"What?" the redhead asked and Buffy hesitated.
"Well," she then said, "I accidently tipped over something in your bedroom," she added tryingly and Willow's eyes grew.
"Not the green Garda bowl!" Willow nearly exclaimed and Buffy shook her head.
"No, no. And - huh?" she asked, then shook her head as her friend was about to reply. "Never mind. I knocked down one of your notebooks and there were papers in it that kinda fell out and when I was picking them up I kinda..."
"...saw the forgetting spell and all that comes with it," Willow filled in, nodding a little as though it was clear as day before adding: "Bad Slayer!"
"I know," Buffy sighed. "And I'm really sorry. You know I'd never snoop... Well, around YOUR stuff. But... what is it? I mean, why's it so important you don't tare that sheet of paper? And what's it have to do with me?"
"I don't know," Willow answered. "It's a forgetting spell, remember? It tends to make you forget. I obviously put a loop hole in there for SOME reason... I mean, I made it so that if the paper's torn then the spell that caused me to cast the forgetting spell will be put back into motion," she added and Buffy looked rather lost.
Willow smiled.
"I understand why you're curious. How do you think I'VE felt all these years?" she asked and now Buffy's eyes grew.
"YEARS?" she asked and Willow looked apprehensive.
"I dunno if I should be telling you this," she said, but Buffy merely gave her a look and so the Wiccan moved on. "Alright. I cast that spell three and a half years ago," she now stated and Buffy stared at her.
"Three years?" the Slayer breathed. "What can possibly have been the reason for it?!"
"Buffy," Willow warned.
"What?" Buffy replied, trying on an innocent expression but Willow smiled again.
"Let's REALLY not go there, shall we? I may not always be the alfa female of the group, but when it comes to stuff I tell myself I take myself VERY seriously," she now said and Buffy returned her smile.
"You're right," she concurred. "Whatever the reason it must've been really good," she added, giving Willow a hug before turning to go back upstairs.
"You understand that spell isn't to play with, don't you?!" Willow called after her as the Slayer exited the living room in favor for the hall.
"Yes, yes," the latter assured, ascending the stairs.
Buffy walked down the hall to have another go at the going-to-bed part of her evening when something almost pulled her in the direction of her own bedroom door and before she could stop herself she placed a hand against it. Leaning forward slightly to try to listen through it.
Her hand slid down to the doorknob and she just about turned it, then she changed her mind and backed away before turning and walking into Willow's room instead. Once more closing the door behind her she took the few steps up to the edge of the bed and sat down.
Sighing she felt wide awake and after another minute of simply staring at the wall before her she decided to get up to have herself a little walkabout. She just happened to circle up to the dresser again - to have another look at the photograph clicked with a camera in her age of innocense, nothing more. She really had grown as a person and as a Slayer since then. Of course, going from sixteen to twenty-two just might do that to you, she supposed.
Her eyes once more landed on the notebook. With two moments of being incredibly close to reaching out her hand to grab the book she then decided against it. Willow really was right. The spell wasn't to play around with. She herself had obviously had a REASON to have Willow put a forgetting spell on the both of them. And whoever else that might be involved in it.
Taking a step forward to walk up to the window her shoulder hit the book and her eyes widened as it slipped off the shelf. Her instincts took over and she reached out her hand to grab it before it hit the floor. The loose papers had already begun to slide out of it and her fingers missed the actual book but grasped the top three sheets. There was a ripping sound and she practically gasped with surprise as she sunk to her knees. Her fingers releasing the still half covered by the notebook sheets and her hand trembling as the fact of what she had just done slowly filled her head.
Maybe it hadn't been the sheet containing the spell that made the noise. Hopeful she reached out and flipped the front cover of the notebook open. The written words creating the spell were now devided - on two parts of the paper since the top half of the sheet had been torn in half.
"Uh-oh," Buffy breathed.
How did this happen! She hadn't even WANTED it to! Damn it! Willow was gonna have a quiet and Willow-y yet very distinct fit!
Okay, then there was the fact of the other SPELL! What was gonna happen? Lightening from the sky?
Buffy moved her eyes, taking in her surroundings and finding herself holding her breath.
Nothing.
Well, nothing as of yet, she remarked dryly to herself in her mind. But you just wait a few minutes or hours or whatever and then you see what hell on Earth you've created with this absolutely idiotic mess-up!
Tape! She just might be able to fix it. Getting to her feet she brought the notebook with her and made sure the papers were tucked into it before she put it back on the dresser for the second time within the hour. She wasn't sure that Willow had any of the supplies she needed, but she was positive she had some herself, in the drawer of her bedside table.
Walking up to the door, through it and then up to her own she stopped. Swallowing she hesitated. She seemed to do nothing but hesitate when it came to him.
Slowly she reached out her hand, put it on the knob and turned it.
Please, let him be asleep. Please, let him be asleep.
Her prayers were answered as she could hear his soft breathing.
Thank God, she thought, sneaking inside and closing the door gently behind her as her eyes rested on her goal - bedside table drawer.
Taking a steadying breath she carefully approached it.
She wasn't sure why, but she didn't dare to look at him. Afraid that something as small as that might stir him awake. Not so sure why she was suddenly close to petrified of the thought of having to face him...
Her heart was beating hard in her chest as she stopped and reached out her hand to grab the small handle of the drawer. Taking a hold on it she almost closed her eyes in anticipation as she began to pull it out. Finally having a gap wide enough she leaned forward slightly and looked inside, her eyes landing on the plastic container of the roll of tape and she smiled to herself.
Easy.
Sticking her hand inside and bringing it out she pushed the drawer back in place and then straightened her back, about to turn around and leave when his left hand suddenly twitched right next to her leg and she drew a breath in surprise as she took a step backward, her eyes landing on the hand in question and her heart skipped a beat.
She felt nailed to the floor as she stared at the soft curve of his thumb and the powerful gentleness she knew lay within those other four fingers of his. She dropped the tape and it fell to land on the carpet at her feet, but she didn't even notice she wasn't holding it anymore.
He had such beautiful hands.
The thought was enveloping her mind and she couldn't get out of it. It kept repeating itself and she took a small step forward and then sunk to her knees as she kept observing the back of his hand, the stretch of his fingers that were resting on the covers.
Almost in a trance she reached out her right hand to let her fingers slip over his, turning her hand over so that the back of it slid gently against the back of HIS hand and then moving her arm so she could slide her fingers to grace his palm.
Closing her eyes she suddenly found herself smiling to herself. Then she leaned forward and placed her lips carefully against the smoothe skin between the knuckles of his index- and middle finger before moving her head and resting her forehead against the spot.
Something was... happening to her. What had she come in here for again? She couldn't remember. Everything seemed so dim except for... him.
She raised her head to look up at his face. Pulling herself to her feet as she leaned over him she placed her face above his and then moved her left leg to put it on the other side of him, straddling him. Her hands rested against his chest and she felt a jolt slowly run through her as her fingers took in the taut muscles beneath the thin T-shirt he was wearing.
Why was he wearing clothes to bed? He never wore clothes to bed!
Almost annoyed she straightened her back, looking down at the sleeping vampire and frowning.
What's happening?
Then she smiled again.
She knew.
Reaching up her hands she took a hold on the hem of the T by his throat and then she ripped it open. It was surprisingly easy how such subtle details - as all the times she had ruined T-shirts, shirts and whatever else he might have decided to wear in his foolishness when they were at the peak of their affair the year prior - came back to her.
Sometimes he had merely smirked and returned the favor. Other times he had let hear a loud "bloody hell, Slayer! Do you think I sodding steal my clothes purely for the fun of you tearing them off of me?!"
She almost grinned at the memory of that complaint.
Of course he had.
Then she grew serious as her eyes slid over his naked chest. Biting her lower lip she could feel the need for him start to take over completely and it actually shocked her how unchanged it was. How raw and pure and how natural it felt.
Natural...
She almost jerked herself away from him as a wave of panic rose beneath her bossom. However, for the first time that panic had no footing, and it had to give way to the growing emotion which seemed to be rooting out everything else.
She leaned forward again, her hands sliding up his torso and he stirred gently.
She stopped as her face once more was positioned right above his and then she closed her eyes as she slowly moved it forward. Her lips almost trembling as they softly connected with his and she felt like she needed to cry. She kissed his upper lip and then his lower before pressing both of hers to his mouth and now he moaned, sleep eluding him at last.
She heard the surprised intake of breath and opened her eyes to rest them in his.
The emotion within her surfaced with no restraints and in that moment she knew, she really knew; and she was defenseless against it.
He looked questioning, but what made her smile this time was the never dying hope beneath the blue of his gaze.
He had never given up on her. Not really. Then again, does anyone ever truly give up on someone that they love.
No, they don't.
"Buf-..." he tried, but she cut him off by slipping her tongue out and into his mouth, kissing him deeply as she relaxed her upper-body into his; her hands sliding up and into his hair.
He returned the kiss confused and tentative at first, and then she could feel his hunger grow and the kiss grew more passionate with it. His hands travelled up her back, to her shoulderblades to press her to him.
Rolling her over, their bodies still entangled, so that he was ontop of her he moved his mouth to kiss the side of her throat. Her hands took a harder hold on his hair and she drew a deep breath before moaning softly.
He was surrounded by her and all that mattered to him was the feeling of her close to him again. He didn't care why, he didn't care how, he didn't care. She was everything and right now everything was his to have. He couldn't let that go. He had missed her so badly.
"Spike," she whispered, kissing his shoulder and then resting her forehead against it as he kept moving his lips over her skin.
"Buffy," he mumbled, pulling himself up to look down at her and she met his eyes with such a suddenly tender expression in her own that he frowned slightly.
She had never looked at him like that.
Then she moved her head up and her lips once more locked with his, both deepening the kiss almost harshly as the months without the other began to grow into awareness.
Spike had no idea for how long they kissed. It could have been minutes, it could have been an hour, but after that time had passed the kiss slowly but surely grew slower. The exploring their hands were doing grew lingering and more precise; causing them both to shiver whenever one of them hit a familiar spot of pleasure.
He was the one to break the kiss and once again move his head to trace the outlining of her neck with his lips. Her hands were on his shoulders and then her arms slid around his neck as she pulled herself closer to him, hugging him so tight it made him stop what he was doing.
Burying his face against the side of her throat he slid his arms under her and hugged her back.
"What's wrong?" he asked silently.
"Don't stop," she whispered, voice shaky.
"Buffy..."
"I love you," she now stated slowly and his eyes shot open. "Spike, I love you so much..."