She recognized those shoes.

She thought that the dock would have been empty at this hour. But there they were, nestled together like a pair of sleeping pigeons, giving her a bit of a spook as they came into view. And there, beside them, feet hanging in the water, was Lapis.

"Lazuli? What are you doing here so late?"

Lapis glanced over.

"Peridot… you're out pretty late yourself."

The moon was high, a waning gibbous, making a small cluster of sparkles on the pond.

"Would have stayed later if the library hadn't closed," Peridot muttered.

"Right. I should have guessed."

"And what are YOU doing at this hour?"

Lapis raised a foot.

"Pretty much what it looks like I'm doing."

Peridot stood in a quandary. The dock was a place full of rules. If someone was there when you got there, you were socially obligated to leave. Despite its size, it was a one-party thing. The options now were to yield the spot to Lazuli, or to wait for her to invite her over. For some reason, she really didn't want to go.

"Can I join you?"

That wasn't one of the options. What was wrong with her?

Lapis moved her shoes over.

"Of course."

Peridot's heart quickened. She hoped it wasn't another panic attack.

They sat quietly for a while. It was how things had been between them lately – quiet. Quiet like a hospital room, as though a spoken word would extinguish what little life was there.

Peridot debated taking her shoes off as well. When finally she reached for her laces, she was startled out of it by Lapis' voice.

"Peridot… I've been meaning to talk to you."

Peridot bowled her right over.

"I did something wrong, didn't I? I always do SOMETHING wrong and no one ever tells me WHAT."

"No! Don't apologize!" Lapis said, rather forcefully. Peridot shrank back, and Lapis looked twice as contrite. "It's me," she said, more softly. "I'm sorry for acting so weird. I'm just… not very good at being close to people."

There was definitely something not being said there. But, the fact only illustrated the truth of the statement. Peridot let Lazuli slide with that one and instead asked, "We're close?"

Maybe she might as well have asked for elaboration because Lapis didn't respond to her anyway.

"Look," Peridot began, "I know you have things you don't talk about. But I also know you probably have a damn good REASON not to talk about them. I'm not asking to be more important than that reason."

Lapis smiled at her so wearily it made her want to cry.

"Well, you deserve to be."

That look was not okay. Peridot's mind scrambled for anything that would fix it. What it came out with was, "And you deserve to be happy."

Lapis looked out over the water.

"Don't worry about me," she said. "I'm all right."

"I don't believe you," Peridot said stubbornly.

"You always assume the worst, don't you?"

"I find it tends to be the most accurate."

Lapis laughed bitterly. Better than not laughing at all, perhaps.

"It's nice not to be the only one who's so messed up around here." She leaned gently against Peridot.

Peridot froze. It seemed like the kind of social situation that warranted her doing something out of the ordinary. She did have one idea…

"Lapis…?"

"Yes, Peridot?"

"Can I…?"

Shit.

"Yeah?"

She was wrong, this WASN'T that kind of situation and she WASN'T that kind of person.

"No, nothing, never mind."

Lapis chuckled and draped an arm around her. Her hand was wet.

"You goofball."

Peridot pondered for several awkward seconds whether to follow suit. Hesitantly, she put a hand on Lapis' waist. It must have been the right thing because Lapis put another wet hand over hers.

"I'm just a really fucked up person, is all," Lapis said. "Too fucked up to be anything good for anyone."

Peridot had one free hand. She'd have to think of a particularly good use for it.

"Yeah… well… I like you anyway."

"That's really sweet of you."

"No! I mean it!" Peridot said, heart beating faster. "No one else has even TRIED to care about me. How could you be a bad person after THAT?"
"Keep going. It's cute."

Peridot felt her breath shorten. She REALLY wasn't up for another panic attack.

"So, sure, maybe you ARE fucked up, but that's what makes you REAL. And I'd rather spend time with someone who's real than someone who's not."

The silence spread between them for so long that Peridot wasn't sure she'd been heard. Then, she felt Lapis hitch beneath her. The wet hand retracted itself from hers and lighted on Lapis' face.

"Lapis? Are you okay?"

Lapis didn't respond immediately. She made the faintest of sounds, looking away. When she finally turned towards Peridot, her face was wet.

"I'm never okay."

Peridot abruptly pulled back.

"I'm sorry! Did I–"

"What did I tell you, don't apologize," Lapis shook her head.

"Yeah, well, you either," Peridot countered. "You don't have to live your life like it's one big apology."

Lapis lowered her head, fingers dripping, and Peridot felt like she was seeing something as delicate as an egg with the shell peeled back, the embryo inside quaking at its first exposure to the cold air. Something at the same time common yet infinitely precious.

She knew what to do with her hand.

Carefully, she reached over, as she might with a spooked animal, slid Lazuli's hand off her face, and swept a thumb along her wet cheekbone. This was what real meant: ragged, unpolished, full of poison. It was the kind of real that Peridot was, too.

Lapis leaned in to her hand. "You're a fucking darling."

Just as Peridot thought it was time to take her hand back, she felt Lazuli's brush against HER face, wetter than before, drawing her in closer.

Lapis was so close now, water and light glazing her face, a weak smile playing about her lips, the breath between them intermingling.

Maybe Peridot HAD been wrong about before. She wasn't sure she was brave enough to test that theory, though.

"Peridot…"

"Lapis?"

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Apparently the theory was being tested for her.

"I… uh… well…" Peridot stammered. "I could if you want me to."

"Do YOU want to?"

"Only if YOU do."

"Tell me yes or no."

"Uh… yes."

Lapis smiled.

"That's what I thought."

Despite having permission, Peridot waited for Lapis to close the gap between them. She felt Lapis' hand move to clutch at her hair, and then their lips touched, more gently than Peridot could have imagined. She'd heard the word "soft" in reference to this kind of situation before, but it wasn't the softness she was expecting, it was the softness of a living thing. She heard Lapis' foot splash in the water as she trailed a hand up her side.

"Sorry," Peridot broke off after some unfortunate tooth-contact.

"No apologies," Lapis teased, drawing a finger over Peridot's mouth.

Peridot sat perplexed for a moment before breaking into a giggle.

"What are you laughing about?" Lapis took her hand back.

"It's just… my mom would be really mad at me if she saw this."

Lapis snorted.

"I stopped caring what my parents thought a long time ago."

"I'm getting there," Peridot said. She nestled up against Lapis. "I used to think if I did whatever they said, I wouldn't be scared anymore."

"That's a pretty rough mindset," Lapis noted.

"Yeah, well I used to think the same thing about God too."

"I find that hard to picture for someone like you," Lapis said, stroking Peridot's hair.

"Oh, no, it makes total sense," Peridot told her. "You're scared, you pray to God, and he'll save you. It's quite simple."

"If you believe in God," Lapis scoffed.

"Yeah," Peridot agreed. "That sure was an embarrassing phase."

"Hey, we've all been there," Lapis said. "Sometimes I thought I was getting punished for being gay."

"Like what my mom's gonna do," Peridot muttered.

Lapis looked away again. "No. Nothing like that."

Peridot shifted. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. But thanks for asking."

Peridot didn't know what to do, but she wasn't about to let this fall apart again.

"So… what kinds of things make you happy?" she asked.

"Not much, these days," Lapis said. "But the river's pretty nice. Nostalgic."

"Yeah, I like the river too," Peridot said, sure she wasn't sounding very intelligent.

"So why haven't you taken your shoes off?"

Peridot glanced down at her feet.

"Oh. I thought about it, but things just kept happening."

Lapis laughed in the most genuine way Peridot had heard all night.

"Give me your foot," she motioned.

Peridot blushed as Lapis unlaced her shoe.