So, uh, i kinda forgot i have this fanfic account(i have another one where i'm updating and making people cry) and stumbled upon this story and was like 'holy shit, that's mine!' and, yeah. i came back though hehe.
Don't know about this chapter, honestly, feels kind of weird to me, but just didn't want to make you wait any longer.
and I'm turning 20 next week!(i'm not exited, i'm terrified. i'm having mu sixth mid life crisis)
Anyway, try to enjoy!

Chapter 4

Just an hour later it was a lunch time and Sam woke his older sibling up to eat.

And Dean wasn't delighted with the idea of eating or waking up at all. Although, he sat up slightly, only to look like the grumpiest person in the whole world, which Sam thought would look adorable if the situation wouldn't be so serious, and then just turned to face the wall again.

"Dean, come on, you have to eat. Nurses said I can even bring you some pie later if you eat it."

The older brother didn't give any indicator that he heard him nor that he was interested in pie, which was not a good sign, Sam noted.

The thing was, no matter how much he coaxed him into eating, nothing worked. Dean was either telling him to go away or staying quiet.

"Come on, man. It's Christmas" he finally pleaded, not knowing what to do. Dean never shut him out like this, ever.

"Yeah, exactly, and I'm not even suppose to be here!" Dean shouted, still not turning back to face his sibling. "And If it's Christmas and you're so keen to have one, how about you go to Jody's and have some good time there? I'm sure she'll be happy to have you."

Sam felt cold pang in his chest. He hated to see his brother hurting so much, especially knowing it's mostly his fault.

"Why would I go to Jody's man? Sure, she's a friend, but we're not that close and my family is right here" the younger sibling put a comforting arm on Dean's shoulder. "You're right here and I don't want to be with anyone else."

This time Dean turned around, his eyes glistening with tears and anger, and hissed: "Don't lie to me. Don't you dare to fucking lie to me about how much you want to be with me, when for the last couple of months you wanted nothing more but just for me to be gone from you life. So don't you fucking dare" he kept shooting daggers at Sam and then turned to face the wall again.

"Dean, you know that it's not true" he tries again, because goddamnit, he needs to fix it all right now or he might lose his brother for good this time. And he is not ready for that.

"I know I've been a dick to you and I was pushing you away, but not because i didn't want you around, but because you hurt me and i needed time."

"Well, now you can have all the time in the world. Enjoy" Dean shot back quietly. He didn't want to hear any of that, because he knew he was going to break and he knew he could not handle that; shattering into pieces in front of Sam.

"No, no!" the youngest man almost shouted. "I want you to listen to me. Please" he stood up and sat onto Dean's bed, reaching out to hold his hand. He still couldn't see his brother's face since he was still curled up onto himself, but he was pretty sure he was doing all that was in his power to keep it together. "Like I said, i know i've been a dick to you and i also know that i went way too far. I guess after Gadreel I just felt like I couldn't trust you anymore and that just sorta shifted my whole world, because you are the only person i've ever trusted. I needed time to wrap my head around all this and time to deal, but when we finally met again i just felt so angry at you that i didn't want to sort anything out, i just wanted to hurt you back. And i did, i know i did. And after that i just couldn't stop, i just kept hurting you, pushing you away, pushing all your buttons and you never told me to stop. And i went too far, failing to see what damage my words and actions caused." he stopped, taking in a shuddering breath. It hurt to talk about this, but he had to. It was one thing to cause the damage, but another one to be there to see the aftermath and try to glue the pieces together again. He couldn't just walk away, no matter how much he wanted to. He wasn't going to be the coward who breaks things and leaves the broken pieces behind for someone else to fix, or not fix at all.

Sam was still squeezing Dean's hand and took it as a good sign that he wasn't telling him to shut up and leave, like he was before, so he continued.

"I know there is no excuse and probably nothing I say will make it better, but for what it's worth I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry you couldn't come to talk to me when things got bad and that I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I'm your brother and after all that you've done for me i repaid by saying 'fuck you'. Who does that?" he shook his head, having some problem to keep his own tears in check. "I know that I said we're not family and i don't want us to be brothers…. But, Dean, that's the furthest thing from the truth. Nothing can ever change a fact that you are my big brother and that i love you, and i don't want anyone else living beside me that isn't you. I also know it will take some time for us to fix it, but can you at least promise me that you won't try to kill yourself again? Because i can't-" Sam bit his lip when the memories he wanted so much to forget found a way to reply itself in his mind. "I can't just- you have no idea how horrible it was to find you barely alive in your own room. What scares me the most that if i came to see you some time later you wouldn't be here with me at all, and i just can't-" this time Sam broke off, tears falling down from his eyes. Gosh, it hurt so much to think about it. And it almost became his reality.

"I came to your room to ask if you'd like to have a dinner with me, it being Christmas and all." he kept talking.

"Why" came a muffled sound from the pillow.

"Because it was a family time and I wanted to spend time with you." he shifted a little. "Like i said, i wanted to hurt you with what i said and i did, and I'm sorry for how it made you feel. I should have never made you feel like unwanted, De', never should have made you feel worthless and unloved, and hated, because those are not true. I'm going to prove it to you. I've been a shitty brother i know, but… Can you please, try to forgive me?"

It was that moment of silence and stillness that had all of Sam's nerves on edge. As if the air around them was charged with thousand volts of electricity, just like before the lighting strikes a tree, and it was a matter of time before it striked one of them.

Eventually Dean shifted a little, then turned to look at his brother with a heartbroken expression on his tear streaked face. His eyes bloodshot and still full of tears.

"It was never your fault, Sammy" he muttered, biting his bottom lip. "It was mine. I have nothing to forgive you for. It's me, who should be asking for one" he sniffled.

Sam could have sworn someone stabbed him in the chest at that moment, because he realized that he screwed up so much much more. Dean's given him everything and he is still protecting him, even from himself, and Sam dared to call him selfish. Selfish. When his brother gave everything he could without asking anything in return.

"No, Dean, no. You gave everything for me, all your life you've given everything for me, and i never even said thank you. I am an ungrateful brat and yet, you still love me. Even now you try to protect me, but who's gonna protect me if you're gone?" he asked, allowing tears to fall down his face, still looking at his brother. "So screw you for trying to kill yourself and wanting to leave me before we even had a chance to sort things out!" he shouted eventually, allowing his real emotions to show.

"I'm sorry, Sammy" Dean sobbed out, not being able to hold on anymore. "I thought… I thought you wouldn't care. I thought- I'm sorry" he started sobbing for real, crumbling into pieces right in front of Sam.

The younger Winchester leaned in closer and was a little surprised when his brother launched himself at him and buried his face in his chest, weeping as if someone ripped his heart out and told him he's never getting it back.

Sam just put his arms around his brother and held on for life, having a hard time to control his own emotions. Seeing Dean like this, all broken and crying was not something he was used to seeing.

So he just hugged his older brother tighter, hoping that somehow it will hold those broken pieces together. After all, he was there to pick them up.

"Shh, it's alright, Dean, it's alright, you're alright, we'll get through this, I promise, shh, you got nothing to be sorry for, it's alright" he kept mumbling reassuring things to his sibling, who kept saying that he was sorry.

At some point he started rocking them.

Sam didn't know how long it was until Dean's sobbs quieted down, he didn't know how long it was until it felt like he could breathe more easily, but it felt like hours, hell, days.

"Dean, are you-" he almost asked if he's okay, and the whole goddamn universe knew he was anything but okay. "How are you feeling?" he kept rubbing his back, something he started to do unconsciously sometime earlier.

Dean only shook his head.

He either didn't have any energy to answer or words were something that was too much to handle, Sam decided. Or both.

Of course, he wasn't okay. How can you be okay after this?

"Do you wanna lie down?" Sam asked softly.

A shrug, but the younger Winchester felt how Dean held on just a little tighter after what he said.

He didn't want to let go.

Maybe he thought it was because Sam is uncomfortable or doesn't want this.

"It's okay if you do, I'm not going anywhere." he tried to reassure his sibling.

Slowly, Dean pulled away from him and lied down, but this time facing the room. He still was avoiding to look at his brother and looked pale in a contrast of bloodshot eyes.

The younger brother pulled up the blankets over his sibling, tucking it in slightly.

"Dean, hey" Sam reached out again. "Hey, look at me" he said with a gentle voice that he always savored for Dean. Once he did look up, looking unsure, Sam was there to reassure. "It's alright, man. I'll be here with you, alright? We'll talk when you're ready, there is no rush. But just know that I'm here, alright?"

"Okay" Dean said, his voice just above the whisper. He looked unsure for some reason, as if debating something inside of his head. Eventually he seeked to touch Sam's hand lightly. "Sammy?" he then asked softly, his eyes darting to meet his brother's.

"Yeah, Dean?" Sam answered just as softly, just as silently as his brother. As if any louder noise would break that little connection they made again, as if it would break it all over again and all found pieces might be lost. Again.

Although, he couldn't help but smile a little of how little Dean sounded right now. Like a little kid asking for another cookie, but unsure if he deserves one. And he kept calling him Sammy, as if he was afraid that the Sam would hurt him again, because Sam was mean, but he could talk to Sammy, because, well, he was Sammy. His entire world

"Can we go home?" he asked eventually.

Sam was surprised to hear this question. He wasn't expecting to hear it so soon or to hear it at all. He would gladly say yes, but Dean was put on a suicide watch, and that was something he wasn't sure they should do.

Again, it felt like Dean was reading his mind.

"I know what you're going to say and I know that they put me here for three days, but… but it's Christmas"

Dean was looking at him with such a hopeful, bright, but sad eyes, as if Sam was holding his whole world in his hands, his hope. And he can either crush it or give it to him.

And then it was like someone shut the lights off.

"Sorry, you probably don't want-" he started saying, but Sam immediately cut him off.

"Stop it right there. Don't you even dare to finish that sentence, because after all that i've said you should know better. The only reason why i want you to stay here is because they are still treating you and i don't want your condition to get worse."

"I've had worse, I'll be fine"

"But what if something goes wrong?"

"It won't. I'll be fine if you'll be there." he said quietly and that was it.

I'll be fine if you'll be there.

Because I wasn't okay when you weren't.

Sam paced a little.

"Alright, I'll get you out, but only after you eat and only after the doctor checks on you again, which will be in like another twenty minutes. Can you do that?"

Dean nodded.

"That's good, man. Maybe we'll even find pie somewhere. If not, i'm pretty sure we have everything in the bunker to make it." Sam smiled at him, squeezing his hand reassuringly a little.

And what felt like the first time in eternity, Dean smiled.

Thanks for reading, leave a review! (that way i won't disappear for another year hehehe)