Merry Christmas mates! Here's a relatively uninspired story that still manages to stand out because most other authors are trash!

Yes, I didn't wait until the closing A/N to diss other authors. Ho ho bloody ho.

Note that this story is an interquel to Ed Without Plot Redux. Knowing it isn't required to understand what's going on in this one though.

Marie peeked from behind the fence.

Noticing no-one, she jumped over it, and marched to the kitchen door of one of the houses at the beginning of the street. The lock quickly gave way to a pair of bobby pins.

There was nobody inside. Just as she expected. Her boyfriend was busy doing whatever he was doing, and wouldn't come home until afternoon, and his parents were absent, as ever.

She had just enough time to prepare the surprise for her Oven Mitt.

Edd had unlocked the door and entered the house.

That day, nothing had spectacularly backfired, he wasn't chased out of the neighborhood, and his mom actually dropped in to say hi and have a brief chat. Sure, his friends laughed at him, because he was eighteen, but he didn't really pay attention to that.

It was a good day.

Mildly content, he walked upstairs and turned into the corridor leading to his room, and noticed a trail of discarded clothes: pair of khaki trousers, two combat boots, a black tank-top, and, as a finisher, a black bra hung on the knob of the door to his room.

"Oh dear." he muttered, exasperated.

This could be a distraction. He scanned the surroundings, ready to sidestep should a naked blue-haired pervert attempt to tackle him. Noticing no one, he silently marched down the corridor, picking up and folding the discarded clothing items. Then, he did precisely what his instinct told him.

That is, went downstairs to the laundry. Those clothes were filthy.

Marie was bored out of her mind.

She didn't expect that her boyfriend would take that long. She spent the last two hours alternating between staring at a wall, staring at the ceiling, and reading an erotic novel he had hidden behind his bed.

As she reached the end of chapter three, she sighed and closed the book. If this was supposed to take so long, she might as well go to the kitchen and grab a snack. She put the novel back in its place, stood up and stretched out, and walked out of the room.

Her clothes were gone.

"Son of a…" she muttered to herself. "He got back home and didn't say hi."

Soundlessly, she searched all the rooms on the second floor. Having found no trace of Oven Mitt or her clothes, she decided to head downstairs. As she reached the bottom of the staircase, she heard some sort of machine going into high speed.

The sound seemed to come from the basement.

The creak of the basement door was almost drowned out by the washing machine's tumbling.

"Oh Oven Miiiiiiitt!" someone announced from upstairs. Considering there was only one person referring to Edd as such, he knew precisely who to expect.

He heard the person skipping down the stairs. His right hand dived into his pocket. It was still there. A little protection for situation like that. He hesitated for a moment, knowing full well that if he would do what he planned to, he would despise himself for it. Alas, the situation required it. The basement didn't have an alternate exit.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and was forcefully turned around to face the naked girl.

"G-greetings, Marie." he said, devoid of confidence.

"Hi, cutie pie." She smirked. "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Edd took a deep breath. "It's neither."

He then unholstered the device and pressed it against the girl's chest.

"It's a stun baton."

Marie glanced at the duct-taped piece of scrap poking her tit.

"You wouldn't da-"

Cue a loud crack made by an electrical discharge.

"OW!"

"I would dare."

The girl stared at a Lichtenberg figure on her chest. "What did I do to you?!"

Edd raised an eyebrow. "…you broke into my house and, judging by your attire and attitude, want to rape me."

"Now, 'rape' is a pretty strong word-"

"You want to force me to have sex with you against my will." He interrupted her, annoyed. "That is literally the definition of rape."

She smiled. "It's not forcing you if you want it."

"I don't want it, I'm holding you at tazerpoint!" Edd raised his voice. "Are you- are you honestly that out of touch with societal norms and non-verbal cues?"

"So-sai-what now?"

For some reason, the boy facepalmed and groaned. The machine standing by the wall slowly winded down, and then stopped.

"Your clothes are clean and dried. Put them on and leave." he commanded.

Marie recalled a few pictures she saw on the internet, labelled 'reverse rape'. That term seemed to be an accurate description of this situation. "Seriously though, what's wrong with you?" She said, very slowly sidestepping towards the washing machine.

Edd failed to process that sentence. "…with me?" he repeated.

"I mean," she explained, blindly reaching for the door, "most guys in your shoes would probably be halfway done by now."

The boy needed a moment to process the sentence. Then, dumbfounded, he muttered, "Are your findings based on a representative sample?"

She counted on her fingers, "…is 'ten' a representative sample?"

"Erotica and pornography don't count."

She reached into the washing machine. "…do my mom's stories about her past partners count?"

Edd rolled his eyes. "Anecdotal evidence."

"Really though," she pulled out her shirt, "pick a guy, any guy other than you, that walks into his room and finds a naked girl and doesn't want to bang her. Twenty bucks says you won't be able to."

"And another twenty dollars says you're mistaken."

She spat on her hand and outstretched it. "It's a bet!"

The boy stared at her with disgust. "…wash this thing off."

Edd was confident.

If there was one person that was completely indifferent to all the hormonal turmoil, it was one of his best friends. He entered his house, without bothering to announce himself – he was always a welcome guest. Marie followed him suit, sniffing her freshly-laundered tank top. Lavender softener does that to people.

"You're gonna look silly when you'll ask him and he's gonna say I'm right." the girl said, as the two marched through the house and down to the basement.

"With all respect, Marie," Edd entered his friend's room, "your idea of how a man behaves are incredibly inaccurate… and…" He paused, as the words froze in his mouth.

Of all the things he expected in Ed's room, he didn't expect the inhabitant of it being naked from the waist down, standing next to May Kanker, wearing nothing but lust-colored underwear. And socks. What was their deal with socks?

"Ha!" Marie exclaimed triumphantly. "Inaccurate my ass! Pay up!"

The slender boy begrudgingly opened a wallet and pulled out a banknote.

"What did we miss?" the tall Ed asked.

The two provided a brief explanation. "…and he said that it's not the case for all of ya. And apparently he was wrong and I was right!" Marie finished. "Eat it, Oven Mitt!" she taunted.

"Marie, give him his cash back." May said, matter-of-factly. "We didn't have sex."

The middle Kanker's jaw hit the floor.

"What?!" she blurted out. "How… But you're…"

"I wanted to, he didn't." the blonde explained. "Nothing happened in the end."

She turned to the smart boy. "Are y'all gay or something?"

"Well, I'm bisexual." Edd replied. "But I fail to see how that is relevant."

Oh look, Barth wrote a Rule 34-subverting one-shot. Nihil novi sub sole. I am aware that this isn't anything groundbreaking, especially if you're a regular reader. Still, I wanted to get this out of my system, and didn't have anything more interesting to do.

Feel free to criticize it, I'm willing to listen to constructive critique.

Note: Ed Without Plot Redux needed to be rewritten a bit, in order to keep the two consistent.

Also, here's a stinger. Because after two of those, you're probably wondering about the third E/K duo.

Edd and Marie were delegated to preparing popcorn, while Ed and May decided to go and fetch Eddy for the sleepover.

As the two circled Eddy's house to enter through the back door (straight to his room), Ed asked "What was Lee doing when you left?"

"I'unno." the Kanker replied. "Why do you ask?"

"'Cause she could be inside with him, doing the…" he made a lewd gesture, "…y'know…"

"You think so?" May rubbed her chin. "I mean, if me and Marie had roughly the same idea and neither of us got any, do you think Lee would had better luck?"

"We expect her and Eddy to not end up in bed, yes?" Ed countered. "So, we have certain expectations, which are now going to be subverted for comedy's sake."

"Wouldn't what happen to us be a sub-ver-shun already?"

"Then it would be a double subversion."

"You know what?" May put her hand on the door knob. "We can dissect a bad fanfic, or we can just get inside and see what's going on."

She slid the door open and both of them peeked inside. Eddy and Lee were sitting on the former's bed, holding five cards each. A deck was lying next to them. The latter put aside two cards and drew another pair.

"King high." she announced.

"Queen high." The short guy frowned. "Dammit."

"Hi guys!" Ed waved. "Are we interrupting something?"

"Not much." Lee grinned. "Just me kicking Eddy's ass in poker."

May tilted her head. "And why are your shirts switched?"

Eddy glanced down at a polka-dotted tank-top, Lee peeked down at the yellow polo shirt.

"…um, a laundry mix-up?"