Holy Holidays Batman, that's a long oneshot. This one shot can be read and understood by anyone, regardless of the holiday you celebrate. Cuddle up with a warm blanket and some hot chocolate, and read on.

1/5/18 Edit: Just some grammar mistakes, line changes, and spelling errors.

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la..."

"Grayson, shut up!" Damian groaned from his place on the leather coach by the fire. His broken leg was propped up in front of him, and he had been enjoying some peace and quiet. The blissful silence didn't last long, rudely interrupted by his disgustingly merry older brother. Dick's demeanor had always been annoying to Damian, but the man got even worse around Christmas. He would wear those stupid red hats, bake enough cookies for all of Gotham, and incessantly sing those damn Christmas carols.

Any other day in December Damian would hide himself in the cave to train and help Batman with cases. Unfortunately, the mission completed the previous night was a disaster, to put it mildly. Clayface had gotten a hold of Robin and proceeded to crack his femur, along with a couple of ribs. Robin had almost died and Batman only just barely got his partner out.

Damian wouldn't be able to patrol until well after Christmas, which meant that he would be subjected to Dick's pre and post Christmas jolliness without reprive. Every time his younger brother complained, Dick would smile and say, 'It's the spirit of Christmas, Dami!'

Tt. Who needed stupid holidays anyway? Damian sure didn't.

"Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la!" The dark haired man slid down the banister, flipped off the end, and bowed with a flourish. "Ta da!"

"Grayson, you disgust me," Damian sneered. "Sing your pathetic heart out elsewhere. I'm trying to meditate."

Dick regarded his partner with concern. "I take it you're not feeling any better. Do you want some more medication, bud?"

Poor Damian. The kid was put up with a broken leg during Christmas, of all times of the year. Finding out that he had never celebrated the holiday (Christmas with Bruce didn't count, he never did Christmas right in Dick's opinion), Dick had gone all out this year, trying to make everything perfect. The only problem was that Damian didn't understand any of it. Holidays were new and strange to him, and in adapting to new and strange things Bruce's son was worse than even the big man himself.

It would also be Dick's first Christmas in Gotham without Bruce. He had drowned himself in holiday preparations and had done everything he could to forget the truth for a little while, but there was nothing he could do to put it completely from his mind.

It was a bit like Dick's first Christmas without his parents, only now the roles were reversed. Instead of being comforted by his guardian, Dick was instead comforting his surrogate little brother. Disowned by his mother, never really knowing his father, the little kid assassin was lost and it was obvious. Dick had no time to be mourning Bruce, not when there were children to cheer up. Back at the circus he would flip and cartwheel until the kids laughed so hard they cried. Predictably, this tactic would not work on Damian and another needed to be discovered. Everything Dick tried ended in an unimpressed 'Tt' and it was back to the drawing board. He had enlisted Alfred out of desperation, and the night before was spent coming up with ideas while Damian was at school. Then a slight damper was put on his plans.

The previous night's patrol had gone smoothly until Batman's radio had picked up a Gotham City Police signal urging caution until the Arkham criminals were rounded up. Batman and Robin had reacted immediately, racing to meet up with Gordon. The police chief informed them that the escapees included Poison Ivy, Penguin, and Clayface. To take down all three quickly, Batman and Robin split up. Robin was to go after Penguin, with Batman to bring in Ivy. The two would then rendezvous to capture Clayface.

Ivy gave up quickly:

Batman finished giving directions to Robin and sent him off to capture Penguin. He knew Damian was more than capable in the arrest of the short, hook-nosed villain. Dick just hoped that his little brother wouldn't give in to his assassin tendencies and would instead show the humanity that Dick had been teaching him.

Ivy was a more complicated villain to catch, so Dick decided to take her down on his own. She was known for seducing men and Dick really didn't want Damian near that at all yet. He may be a precocious little crime fighter, but he was still only ten.

The Batmobile sped towards the park at speeds over 100 miles per hour, its wheels smoking when it came to a complete stop outside the entrance. Batman hopped out, double checking his equipment while moving into position. The GCPD intel had informed him that Ivy's base of operations lay in the east sector of Anna Carteret Park, located in the upper scale part of Gotham. They said that she had taken over a large group of trees, growing them together to form an impenetrable greenery fortress.

Batman arrived at the east sector and scanned the dense trees. He stealthily snuck around the fortress, placing small objects in strategic parts of the walls. He then scanned again, trying to find a weak spot in the wall's armor. His computer picked up a small section of leaves that wasn't reinforced by a trunk, making it easy for Batman to slip inside.

Ivy stood in the middle of her green cave, smiling as she grew poisonous mushrooms with spores that could kill thousands of people. She had yet to notice Batman, her babies taking up the entirety of her attention.

"Give up, Ivy. It's over," Batman growled, "You're going straight back to Arkham."

Ivy looked up, the smile vanishing from her face. "Aw Batman," she pouted, "I wasn't doing anything wrong!" She smiled. "Yet."

The green-clad villainess held out a hand and her mushrooms began to grow faster, expanding and looking like they'd blow any second.

"Uh uh," Batman scolded. "See this button?" He held out a small black device with a blinking red button in the middle. "If I press it, this entire fort goes 'kaboom.'"

She lunged for the device but Batman dove backwards through the entrance he had created and hit the explosives button.

The walls of the fort exploded instantly, leaving nothing but ash and debris that settled to the ground. In the middle of the mess was Ivy who looked around and wailed. "My babies! How could you do this to my babies!"

The explosives that were used were strong enough to blow the whole fortress apart, but gentle enough that nothing in the middle was touched, including Ivy and her dangerous mushrooms.

Batman notified Gordon of Ivy's capture and put her in handcuffs, leading her away from the poisonous spores and plants and into the hands of the waiting police.

Here's to hoping Damian's mission went this well.

With that, Batman sped off to meet up with his partner.

And Penguin had posed no problem:

Robin stood, unimpressed, looking at the remains of Penguin's giant bird machine that lay in a giant pile of rubble. All it had taken was one well-aimed batarang and the whole thing came tumbling down like a Jenga game. Penguin sat in the middle of the mess, still clutching what remained of his feathered steering wheel.

"Gahhh! You Bats are always ruining my perfectly planned heists. Why dontcha pick on somebody else sometime, eh? Just leave me a couple'a days a week to take over the city! I'll pay ya!"

Robin rolled his eyes, walked over to Penguin and handcuffed him, kicking him in the side for good measure. "You're wasting my time."

He contemplated beating him up a bit more, for good measure and the city's safety of course, but then thought better of it when he saw Batman swing into view. Robin glared at Penguin and stomped off, muttering as he went. Lucky bastard.

Batman dropped down next to his partner, surveying Robin's work. The destructive, horrendous-looking bird machine was torn apart, Penguin would be on his way back to Arkham shortly, and no one looked too worse for wear. He smiled softly. "Good work, Robin. I'm proud of you."

Damian turned away from the praise with a dismissing 'Tt' and scoffed, "Don't we have work to do? The original Batman would never have stood here uselessly, and he never would have kept repeating worthless praise in an attempt to futilely reward his partners for something they should have completely perfectly anyway." Robin stalked away in the direction of the Batmobile.

Dick smirked and followed. "Thank you for the advice, Robin. I will continue to 'repeat worthless praise' regardless of what you say, but I appreciate your input."

Damian growled as he buckled his seatbelt. "Just drive already."

Penguin, realizing his goose was cooked, had begun scooting forward on the piece of scrap metal he had been sitting on towards his signature black umbrella that had fallen nearby. "You bird brains! One of these days they'll fly you into Arkham and realize that I was helpin' Gotham! It's only a matter of time before I fly the coop again, and next time I'll succeed."

Just before Penguin could reach his umbrella, the police grabbed him by the arms and hoisted him up, then started walking him back to the cop cars.

"Hey, lemme go! Get your filthy fingers off my suit!"Penguin twisted and turned futility in the officers' grip as he was marched back to Arkham.

Just before the officers threw him in the back of the car, Penguin turned in the direction of the Batmobile and yelled, "'Till next time bird brains!"

The Batmobile's tired squealed as it shot off in the direction of Gotham Harbor.

But Clayface was a different scenario entirely:

The destruction of the harbor was obvious, even from far away. There were several fires that had yet to be put out (one dangerously close to a warehouse) and bent steel beams lay everywhere. Clayface was nowhere to be seen, but that didn't mean he wasn't there.

"Ok Robin, we have several problems in this situation. Can you identify them?" Dick prompted.

Damian shook his head in disgust, "This is an insult to my intelligence."

"Just do it, please? For me?"

"You imbecile. Can we catch this clay monstrosity and move on with patrol?"

"Dami, Santa's watching! He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake-"

"Would you shut up about this stupid fat man in a hideous red costume?! It's fictional, a story made up for children! It's not real!"

Batman's smile turned solemn. Damian's hatred for childhood was built so deep that he didn't know if even his own happiness could draw out the poison Talia had imbued him with. "Tell me what's wrong with this scene and we will move on with patrol." Dick didn't like giving in to Damian's demands, but he knew he wasn't going to win this battle today.

"Ugh, fine." Damian surveyed the scene. "The fire located northeast of our location seems to be spreading south, threatening those warehouses. The steel beams could pose a problem for emergency rescue trying to access the location by ambulance. And there is still a psychopathic clay lunatic out there somewhere that we haven't apprehended yet. Happy, Grayson?"

"Yes. Let's go."

The two bats jumped out of the Batmobile and headed north to find their missing Arkham escapee.

Needless to say, they didn't have to go far to stumble across a little old lady who looked terribly frightened.

"I-I saw this giant monster! He-he went that way!" She pointed further north, her frail old arm trembling with fear.

Robin looked in the direction of her pointed finger, trying to make out something there that might resemble Clayface. " Thank you, citizen. Go find shelter while I deal with Clayface. Robin cracked his knuckles and sprinted off, determined to show Batman up.

Batman didn't follow. Instead he turned back to the old woman, caution showing on his face.

"I don't think so, Clayface." He reached in his utility belt for an ice pellet but was beaten to it by a punch to the gut from the seemingly innocent old lady who had turned into a disgusting clay monster.

Batman was thrown several yards back into the wall of a brick building where he slid down until he hit the dirt. Groaning, he pushed himself to his feet and looked up to see Robin performing a flying sidekick into the left side of Clayface.

Instead of knocking the villain over, Robin's foot sank into the soft clay and Clayface growled. "Stupid kid." He plucked Robin easily from his side and threw him down to the ground.

"Robin, don't use physical combat!" Batman called. "Throw your ice pellets to smash the clay particles!"

"I'm.. trying.." Robin grunted as Clayface's hands turned to bricks and pressed down on Robin's chest. The young bird was struggling to breathe as his hand desperately clawed at his utility belt.

'CRACK!' Robin exhaled sharply and his face contorted in pain as one of his ribs broke.

Shit! Just a few...more...inches..

The pressure suddenly vanished as Clayface was thrown back by a hand bomb thrown by the recovered Batman. He knelt by Robin, concern etched into his face. "You ok?" He asked, offering a hand up.

"I'm FINE, Batman." Damian swatted the hand away and stood himself, a hand noticably wrapped around his ribs.

"Go back to the car. Right now."

"NO. Can we bicker about this at a later date?" Robin gestured to the even more angry Clayface, who had gotten up and was stomping heavily towards them.

Batman narrowed his eyes, but realized with frustration that he needed as much backup as he could get, and at the moment, Robin was all he had. Damn it. This is Bruce's fault for getting his own damn kid involved in this in the first place! This shouldn't be my problem! I shouldn't have to make these kinds of decisions.

He turned to the monster rumbling towards them, his silence showing the grudging allowance of his partner's assistance.

"AHHHHHHH!" Robin yelled as he ran directly at Clayface. Taking Batman's advice this time, he leapt over the monster's head and threw three ice pellets down as he went. They all landed on his head, freezing it completely. Batman whipped out three batarangs that together shattered the frozen clay.

Robin landed heavily behind Clayface, falling to one knee as he acknowledged the pain in his ribs.

While his partner was down, Batman lodged three more explosives in Clayface's chest, hoping to separate his molecules enough that it would take longer to put himself back together.

Clayface simply flicked them out of his own body and back at Batman who did a back handspring to avoid the first one, then the second one, but landed wrong on the third and got caught up in the explosion, landing on his wrist.

Crap! That's definitely sprained. The gauntlet that was supposed to protect his wrist was bent, the metal digging into his skin causing Dick discomfort, but he knew that if he removed the gauntlet he would have a weak spot for Clayface to exploit.

Back behind the monster, Damian growled at his own body's incompetence. He forcefully sprang up and ran at the monster again, this time from the back, intending to repeat his last move.

This time, however, Clayface was ready for him. The clay monster melted to the ground. Robin's momentum kept propelling him forward, even as he tried to stop. Clayface reached out an arm from his pile of wet clay and grabbed Robin by the leg. His other arm became a sledgehammer and came down hard right in the middle of Robin's right thing.

A loud snap sounded, followed by Robin's scream.

Clayface threw the now-useless vigilante away. He landed with a thud in the dirt and didn't move.

"ROBIN!" Batman yelled and threw the rest of his ice pellet arsenal at the distracted Clayface, followed by a barrage of batarangs that together shattered Clayface into thousands of pieces.

The GCPD, who on Gordon's orders, had watched from a distance as Batman and Robin took down the monstrous villain, finally started to move in to collect the pieces of what had been Clayface.

Batman ran to his protegé, immediately moving to splint the broken femur and perform emergency first aid.

Robin was turning pale and his breathing was becoming shallow, obvious signs of shock.

"Hey, Robin!" Batman snapped his fingers in front of Robin's face. "I need you to stay with me bud, ok? Think warm, toasty thoughts 'till I can get you a blanket, ok? We're going to get you some nice morphine, and some of Alfie's chocolate chip cookies, and I'll make you some eggnogg..." Dick rambled while he worked, hoping it would keep Damian calm enough to transport him as painlessly as possibly back to the Cave. Splinting a broken leg was difficult enough, but it was made even harder with a sprained wrist. It throbbed as Dick maneuvered the ace bandage around the stabilizers to strap them to Damian's thigh. He barely gave it a second thought though, as all of his energy and concentration was spent on making sure his little brother got home safely.

"Mmph..." Damian swatted at the black gloved hand that was wrapping his leg. His eyes were glazed over with pain, and Dick was sure there was no way he was completely with it right then.

"Alright Dami," he whispered, "This is gonna hurt and I'm really sorry but we have to move you to get you the good meds."

Batman had called the Batmobile to their location already, but it was unable to pass through the debris field created by Clayface. It was only a few yards away, but Dick knew it would be hell and then some for someone with a broken femur.

He placed his hands gently underneath Robin, braced himself, and lifted.

A pitiful cross between a groan and a whimper escaped Damian, along with something that sounded like "Mother, stop, please."

It absolutely broke Dick's heart in half, but he continued his trek to the Batmobile because he knew it was the most important thing he could do for Damian. His wrist trembled with the strain, but Dick willed it to hold out for a few more seconds.

After a extroardinarily painful few yards (for both brothers) Batman was finally able to place Robin down carefully into the passenger seat of the Batmobile.

Jumping in himself, Dick closed the top, hit the accelerator, and steeled himself for a long sleepless night and endless lectures on safety from Alfred.

Dick stared at the kitchen wall as he tried to think of ways to cheer Damian up. He had tried Christmas movies, tried cooking, he had even tried Christmas carols! Nothing seemed to work and after each failure it seemed less and less likely that Damian would have a positive Christmas experience. The plans he had come up with with the help of Alfred were full of great ideas, only they all involved physical activity and a certain little bird currently wasn't allowed to leave his spot on the couch.

Alfred came around the corner carrying a tray of dishes that he deposited into the sink.

"Well hello, Master Dick. Why are we so solemn today? It is the day before Christmas Eve, you know." Alfred said as he scrubbed dressing off a salad plate.

Dick dropped his head down into his arms, one wrist still safely stabilized by a brace from Batman and Robin's adventures the night before.

"I know." His muffled voice sounded more morose than Alfred had ever heard from the boy this close to Christmas. Now he couldn't have both his boys moping around during the holidays. That just wouldn't do.

"Master Dick, I do have an idea."

Dick's head stayed in his arms, still muffling his voice. "We already went over this Alfie, Damian can't sled or ice skate or decorate a tree or do any of the things on our list! Christmas is ruined for him and it's all my fault."

Alfred turned off the sink and walked around to the other side of the counter where his charge sat. He rubbed his back comfortingly. "It isn't the same idea, Master Dick," he explained patiently, "This one doesn't involve Master Damian moving anything but his hands."

Dick's head perked up from the counter as he looked at Alfred with curiosity.

Alfred moved back to the sink and started to scrub dishes again as he looked up and said with a twinkle in his eye, "Why don't you try something a bit calmer, something that gives Master Damian a bit more freedom?"

"Alfred, quit being so cryptic!" Dick was really interested now. "What are you thinking?"

"Why, maybe something like art, Master Dick."

Dick shot up from his perch on the stool and sprinted over to Alfred, giving him a huge hug. "That's so perfect! I love it!" A gleaming smile was back on one of his boys' faces.

Alfred smiled gently. "Go cheer up our moody little Scrooge. It is your specialty, after all."

Running over to the doorway, Dick spun around as he realized he forgot something. A giant smile, as radiant as Christmas lights in the dark, shone on his face as he shouted, "Thanks Alfred!" Then his back disappeared and all the old butler could hear was the thumping of feet on the hardwood floor as his oldest charge went to take care of his youngest.

I do believe if my heart was any more full of joy, it would quite likely burst.

Wayne Manor, a bit later

"Damiii, the Grinch is a bad guy! Why do you keep putting him on every single Christmas card you decorate?"

Damian grinned sneakily. "I am drawing Christmas related characters, yes?"

"Well yes, but-"

"There is no blood or stabbing on any of my cards, correct?"

"I mean yeah, but-"

"Then I do believe I am well within the parameters that were set for these asinine Christmas cards."

Dick sighed. "As long as you're having fun."

"Oh, the most fun I've had in a very long time."

Dick's head whipped up from his drawing. "Really?!"

"Most definitely," Damian said with a grin. "Oh, and Grayson, this one is yours."

Damian held up a Christmas card that was decorated with fancy cursive script that said, "Merry Christmas Grayson" on the front. He smirked and flipped it over.

Dick groaned loudly when he saw the back. "I don't really think you get the whole 'holly jolly' Christmas vibe yet. We'll try again next year."

When Damian's back was turned, Dick snatched his card and stuffed it in his shirt, then made a bathroom excuse to ensure a quick getaway. He couldn't have Damian knowing he actually liked the card; it would ruin all his fun.

Walking down the hall, passing the bathroom, Dick snuck into his own room and took the card out of its hiding place to look at it again. The front looked just like any other Christmas card, but the back held some of the most intricate and talented drawings Dick had ever seen.

Given, each one depicted Dick as a different Christmas movie villain (the Abominable Snowman, the Ice King, Scrooge), but it was the thought that counted. Plus Dick thought it was kind of cute, in a Damian sort of way.

Dick taped it right above his desk, as a reminder that there was always good in every single person, even little spoiled assassins that drove their older brothers crazy.

That card would remain there for a very long time.

A/N: I love bird puns. And hot chocolate. Happy Holidays to everyone!