When the gang went travelling, it was normal for them to pick up some trinkets. Once in awhile, they would bring home a dragon or a dragon egg. But bringing home a person - an actual living, breathing human being - it was complicated.

Normally, it was because they didn't know enough. Hiccup would get a headache explaining that no, the dragons weren't out to get them, no, he wasn't the evil dragon master they had all heard about (even though he probably was), and no, the other tribe hadn't attacked them because they had done something wrong, they did it because the gang had recently been there getting supplies.

But the problem with this lady wasn't that she knew too little, it was that she thought she knew everything. Her eyes were misty, and she would often just shriek some "prophecy" from time to time.

At the Edge, the entire gang, including the dragons, were in the clubroom, as the woman sat down, rocking back and forth. Hiccup exchanged a look with Fishlegs, who shrugged.

The lady had said her name was Mantis. She kept looking around the room, and Hiccup honestly had no idea what she was looking for. Astrid was next to him, looking as irritated as he felt. She wouldn't even let them tell her why the Dragon Hunters had attacked her village.

Finally, a smile formed on her face, and she placed her hands on her lap. "So, who will go first?"

"Who will go first for what?" Snotlout asked irritably. "Becoming a wackadoodle like you?"

"Do not insult the art, boy. I see the past, present, and future. You," she said, pointing to Hiccup, "Come sit down."

Ruffnut laughed, hiding it as a cough, and he sent a glare her way as he sat down next to the woman.

"Um, ma'am, please, just let me explain -"

"Shh. Let me see what you feel, young rider." Mantis closed her eyes. There was probably a storm going on up there, or maybe a flood had already happened, taking away her sanity. She grabbed his hand all of a sudden and Hiccup yelped. Ruffnut actually laughed this time. Tuffnut snickered with her. Even Astrid had a small, amused smile on her face.

"Shut it," he grumbled to the twins, as Mantis rubbed his hand. This was extremely uncomfortable.

"You...you feel love!" Her eyes flew open excitedly, and she stared intently at him.

"Yeah, I suppose?" Hiccup said hesitantly, "I - I love the Edge. And Berk. And my dad. And Toothless." Her rambled on, anything to make her happy.

"No, no." Mantis shook her head dismissively. "It is not that kind of love. It is a sexual love!"

Hiccup's eyes widened as Tuff and Snotlout both burst out laughing. "No - no, it is not." He looked around the room, clarifying for everyone, especially a certain blonde who had raised her eyes. "It is not."

Mantis, oblivious to his protests, pointed at Astrid. "For her!"

"No!" Hiccup shouted, trying desperately to clear his head of any thoughts of Astrid. With just a few words, Mantis had made him believe that she really could see his feelings. And now he had to clear his mind of his best human friend. So what if Astrid's blonde hair, ruffled in the wind while she was riding, looked even more like golden liquid than usual? So what if her determined gaze made his heart skip a beat?

Hiccup chanced a look at her. So what if the light blush splashing across her cheeks was more beautiful than anything he'd seen before?

Shit. Not thinking of Astrid was only making him think of Astrid more. That was not the goal, dammit!

The room had gone quiet. Ruff had a smirk on her face, Tuff was gaping as he stared at Hiccup, and Fishlegs was politely looking elsewhere in the room.

Snotlout roared with laughter. "Ha!" He jumped up and down, pointing at Hiccup, whose scowl and blush were both deepening. "She just told everyone your deepest darkest secret!"

"That's - that's not true," Hiccup argued weakly. Snotlout continued to laugh and jeer.

Astrid had to get out of his head. She had to, because Mantis was getting a hazy look over her eyes again.

"Oh, that is so cute!" she squealed, placing a hand on her cheek. "You want her to take your virginity!"

Hiccup snatched his hand back so fast, even Mantis was startled. The effect of these words was like a Hideous Zippleback explosion right there in the room. In fact, he hoped that Barf and Belch would make one and kill him. Now. Because his life was over anyway.

Snotlout and the twins toppled over. Tears were flowing out of Ruffnut's eyes. Hiccup glanced desperately at Fishlegs, but even the one person who he thought wouldn't betray him was laughing with a hand over his mouth. Even Toothless was laughing at him. Traitors, the lot of them.

"That is - completely - I mean - to think…" Hiccup spluttered out whatever he could, as Snotlout stopped laughing long enough to mock him.

"You're still a virgin!" he cried, tears of mirth filling his eyes. And you want Astrid to fu-"

"Shut up, Snotlout!"

Snotlout did shut up, but he didn't stop laughing. Hiccup's face was burning red by now, and he looked at Astrid, who wasn't looking at him. From what he could see, her ears were red. She was covering her face with her hands.

Oh Thor. He had upset her. She was probably thinking he was some sort of gross pervert right about now. She was going to throw up. She was going to tell him exactly how much of a horrible person he was right there and then.

But when Astrid finally turned around, he saw that there were tears in her eyes too.

Of laughter, to clarify. It didn't look as though she was crying.

Her face was still red, and when she met his eyes, she started a fresh bout of laughter, bringing up her axe to cover her face and muffle her...giggles. Astrid was giggling. Hiccup opened and closed his mouth, not sure what to say. And all the while Mantis sat with a pleased smile on her face.

Finally, finally, they stopped laughing. Snotlout still had a wide grin on his face.

"I've been trying for years," he dragged out, "Astrid isn't interested in anyone."

Astrid shot him a glare. "Don't speak for me, Snotlout. Hiccup -" She faced him. "You - can we talk later?"

"Ooh, she's gonna kill him!"

"I'm not going to kill him!" Astrid said, exasperated. "I'm going to - well, you know what? Here's what I'll do."

And right there, in front of everyone, she stomped up to Hiccup, yanked him forward by the collar of his armor, and slammed her lips on his.

Tuffnut and Ruffnut started laughing again (at Snotlout, this time) but Hiccup couldn't exactly register it, because he was too busy trying not to faint. Or worse, get turned on by accident.

His eyes fluttered close, and he tried his best to kiss back, but as soon as that happened, Astrid pulled back, her entire face a deep shade of scarlet.

Fishlegs was smiling serenely and sincerely, and the twins were still too busy laughing at Snotlout, whose mouth had fallen open and wouldn't close.

Mantis, who was looking as though this was the time of her life, turned to Fishlegs excitedly. "Come, young rider. You next."

Fishlegs looked at Ruffnut, and his eyes widened.

"Um, no."

Yeah, this is based off the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer (BABY GROOT IS LIFE). And yes, Mantis is actually the name of the girl in the trailer. This was really fun to write.

I haven't actually seen GOTG. nor do I know anything about Mantis, so I'm sorry is anything bothered you :)