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Lillian wondered if shell shock was exclusive to soldiers. She knew she wasn't an extreme case, wasn't even close. But there were days where she felt morose. The melancholy hit her hard like a tidal wave. It hurt to smile and all she wanted to do was lie in her bed with the covers over her head. Maybe it had to do with her job, like her mother said. Despite the joy of the war being over, she knew it wasn't unlike the words of her mother as well. Sure the economy was booming. Things weren't being rationed extensively. Lillian found herself going to a lot of weddings and baby showers. Yet all that didn't matter when she would clock into work. She still treated soldiers for their broken souls. The war would never be over for them. Their minds were still on a battlefield chasing the ghost of their former selves.

Her mother was insistent that she should find a different job or better yet marry so she wouldn't work, but she couldn't abandon a job she loved even if most days were harder than before.

On the extremely hard days, she found herself drifting to thoughts about Bucky. She hadn't seen the Sergeant since Steve liberated him from the camp he was held prisoner. Almost immediately they abandoned their camp in Italy. She was sent to France along with other nurses. He had told her he was being sent back to England with most of the soldiers. She tried not to think about that night or his warm lips pressed against her lips and cheeks promising to win the war – to them going back home to Brooklyn where he could take her on a proper date. Sure, they wrote, but it was far and between considering he had decided to join Steve in working with the SSR. And the letters lost meaning with all the black tape.

In the following year during a harsh winter, she was devastated when she heard about his accident during a mission with Steve and his team. Even more so when it became news he had been found taken in by good Samaritans, but by then Steve had lost his life taking down some organization called Hydra.

She wondered how he was. She didn't dare venture back over to her childhood neighborhood where she heard he was back at home living - recovering. She just knew she probably wouldn't be able to handle the broken look in his eyes like so many other soldiers. She didn't want to see the result of the war in Bucky making him no longer the boy she knew from Brooklyn.

Lillian wrapped her scarf tighter around as the snow hit the pavement harder.

She really hated winter.

…

Brooklyn was hit with a heat wave in the following spring. As soon as you stepped outside it felt as if you took a dip in a heated pool. There was no reprieve from the sticky heat. Ladies were on lawn chairs in their swimming gear with their flattering fans trying to cool their heated skin. Men were shirtless with sweating bottles clutched in their hands on their foreheads. Kids had pried opened a fire hydrant on the corner and fought for the body of water.

Lillian Kinney's tight curls were now sweated out into loose frizzy waves. Her floral light blue sundress no doubt had sweat marks under her arms, near her breasts, and at the swell of her back which the heat didn't help with either as she wanted to succumb to itching it. She couldn't wait to get back to the home she shared with her sister and nephew after another exhausting visit with her parents.

It had become a ritual of Lillian taking her free Saturdays to the Upper East Side where her parents lived. Only Lillian made the visits as her parents had disowned Alma when she became pregnant with Thomas, who was going to be 3 in the summer. Her parents had overlooked her sister's loose behavior for so long and Lillian knew that the only reason Alma was cut off was because the father of Thomas refused to take claim of him. Her parents couldn't afford to have Alma stain their building reputation among the elite residences of their new neighborhood.

Alma, in her parents' eyes, was always a problem child since the day she learned how to walk.

Alma seemed to not mind their parents' refusal to acknowledge their grandchild or her. Her older sister seemed to actually prefer the estrangement from their family. Lillian suspected that it had to do with the fact Alma was trying to prove a point that she could take care of herself and her son and make it on her own without the assistances of their affluent folks.

Lillian could say though that Alma was a wonderful mother to Thomas and had tamed down since she had him.

However, even before the permanent falling out between her sister and parents, it caused Lillian to become her mom's project to make sure the mistakes her sister made, according to them, weren't repeated. Ever since her medical discharge from the nursing corps, her mom had begun trying to groom her into the lifestyle of a housewife.

Lillian went on the dates in stride to appease her parents, but after meeting so many arrogant men that only saw her as an object and a breeder to continue their bloodline; she was wearing her patience and pride thin. Then the majority of where most of the dates turned sour were when they insisted she would have to stop working as a nurse once they were married as she needed to focus on tending to him and his needs and focus on being a stay at home mom.

Like today Edward, a son from some high-class hotel owner, completely insulted her by disregarding her work she had done in the service and informed her that a wife of his in plain terms wouldn't be allowed to work outside of the house.

Of course, her mother was displeased by her defiance of not accepting another engagement with the man.

Lillian at this point preferred dealing with Thomas when he was cranky and had a radioactive waste diaper.

Lillian smiled at the thought of her nephew and hoped he wasn't suffering too much in the unexpected heatwave.

She passed her neighbors giving them a friendly wave and smile before she reached her new home that she and Alma moved into in late March. With Lillian getting a pay raise at the hospital and Alma finding a job as a secretary for a local lawyer firm, the sisters were able to move out of Lillian's small two bedroom apartment into a more spacious one with three bedrooms and a large backyard surrounded by a fence.

Reaching her home, she noticed the windows were opened and she could faintly hear Thomas babbling excitedly. Lillian pushed open the wooden door with a smile on her face glad to be home.

"Hey Alma, Tommy, I'm home." Lillian called out as she placed her purse and keys on their side table in their entryway. She could hear Tommy's clumsy footsteps approaching swiftly.

Tommy raced into the entryway clad in only his diaper and demanded for her to pick him up which she does despite how sticky the heat has made their skin. She kissed her nephew's rosy chubby cheeks which causes his wide brown eyes to fill with even more glee that cause her to become the recipient to sloppy wet kisses on her cheeks as she walked into their living room where Alma was most likely at.

"Alma, if this heat last we sho-" Lillian stopped and almost dropped her nephew in her arms as she took in the scene or the person sitting in the arm chair across from Alma who was sitting on the couch. She looked back and forth from Alma, who had a shit eating grin on her face, to her – their – guest who was now standing up smiling sweetly.

The silent and shocked brunette was all much more aware of her sweated out hair and dress stained with her perspiration. She placed her nephew back down to the ground who was reluctant of being displaced from his aunt's arm. Lillian ignored her nephew's fit that was intercepted by Alma who muttered something, but Lillian was too focused on the man in front of her who was standing in the middle of her living room.

Lillian wiped her sweaty palms on the waist of her dress as her tongue felt like cotton as she took in Bucky Barnes. He looked the same yet different just like every other soldier she encountered. Despite his brown hair neatly styled along with his outfit, which included a long sleeve shirt she decided to ignore in this sweltering heat, nothing could hide the clouds in his once effervescent cornflower eyes even if he was smiling at her. His shoulders still held the tension of someone still on edge waiting for an attack. Treating many wounded veterans made her vigilant to many idiosyncrasies of the men still fighting their own personal war. Yet, he seemed genuinely pleased to see her.

"Serge-"

"Bucky," he interceded with a smile.

Lillian knew her skin was becoming more inflamed. "Bucky," Lillian corrected herself, but turned redder from her lack of manners. "Oh god, forgive me, do you need a drink – water?"

"No, no, I'm fine for the moment." Bucky said politely as he crept closer to her and nodded to the hall where Alma and Thomas disappeared too. "Thomas is a handsome boy. Looks like Alma."

"He is going to be a charmer," Lillian said smiling.

"You look lovely as well." His smile was gentle and warm – earnest.

Lillian flushed brighter and thanked the heat for slightly covering it up, "Thank you and you look dashing as ever."

Although, Lillian suspected that it would be impossible for Bucky to ever not look dashing.

The room settled upon silence after he accepted her compliment. It wasn't an awkward silence, but an attentive one. It was comfortable.

Lillian broke it as she stepped closer to Bucky relieved to see he looked fine at least physically she could see and a part of her was very happy to see him. "How are you, Bucky?" She asked deciding to break the ice of this topic so they could move forward.

Lillian felt like she was transported back to the medical tent in Italy during his first stay, as his cloudy eyes became darker for a moment as they focused on something behind her until his blue eyes connected with her brown ones.

"I'm okay," he whispered his smile faltering.

Lillian moved closer and embraced Bucky in a hug and was assaulted by the scent of musk and fresh linen. It was different from the last time she seen him in a pressed uniform that smelled faintly of smoke with an undertone of whiskey. He returned the embrace firmly with his right arm she noticed. She squeezed her eyes tightly to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. Lillian was unsure as what to say to the man she was embracing.

"I'm glad you're here." She settled on and Bucky's hold on her tightened more before they released each other and she gave him a watery smile.

Bucky's right hand cupped her cheek, "Well, I did promise you a proper date."

"Ice cream does sound nice," she added softly.

Bucky only laughed.

…

For their first date, Bucky took Lillian to a relatively upscale restaurant much to her insistence that Paula's Diner would have been fine. She was pleasantly shocked that he didn't suggest they went dancing, but she was sort of glad the dance hall wasn't the setting to their date.

Lillian, honestly, wasn't much of a dancer, and dancing was something Bucky did before the war when he was younger and unscathed.

Bucky informed Lillian he found out where she lived from Rebecca.

Lillian last seen Rebecca a few weeks ago while coming back from lunch break. Rebecca was seeing one of the new doctors, Dr. Chandler.

Lillian, along with a few other nurses were coming back to work, ran into the youngest Barnes placing a kiss on the young doctor's rosy cheeks. Rebecca had been enthusiastic about running into her as their last encountered was during a hard and heavy winter while the country was in war and Lillian was still bruised and hollow since she had been discharged yet it was before the news of Bucky's discovery from being found reached home.

Thinking about their encounter at the hospital, she should have known Rebecca would have ran back to Bucky after all she fell into Rebecca's trap about how she was single and detailing where she lived.

Not surprisingly the date went well.

She learned after the war, he stayed with his parents before finding his own place. He worked for Howard Stark in his office in the city and boasted how it was better work and pay than working at the docks. But other than that, Bucky had most of the conversation focused on Lillian.

Since the war, Lillian didn't realize how nice it was to just talk to someone and have them listen. Alma did listen occasionally, but she never would understand how war changes a person. Her parents didn't like the talk of war and her mother never listened before.

Now it was nice for Lillian to talk about such mundane things and have something attentively listen out of interest.

Nevertheless, neither of them mentioned the war.

Lillian didn't dare mention how he favored his left side like he didn't question how she froze when something contacted with her back.

…

Her mother wasn't happy that she was seeing a man she hadn't vetted and even worse the man was Bucky Barnes. Her parents didn't know the post war Bucky just the Bucky that ran in the same crowd as Alma. Both of her parents admired him for his accomplishments as a Sergeant, but it wasn't enough for their daughter. Her mother almost burst a blood vessel in her forehead as she accused her of being influenced by her sister's behavior. However, Lillian knew there was just bad blood between her mother and Bucky's mother.

Her father like normal didn't say anything of consequence. He just remained aloof, but she saw something flash in both of her parents' eye when she mentioned Bucky worked for Howard Stark.

Bucky was at her house waiting for her when she returned from her parents' place. Alma and she already warned him that their relationship would be met with a lukewarm reception, so he only laughed when she explained how her mother accused him of soiling her, which was so far from the truth she turned an apple red as she recited the words.

He only kissed her cheek and asked when he was going to meet them.

Sometimes she wondered what she did to deserve him.

…

He only asked once why she left the Nursing Corps.

Lillian had just come from a trying shift at work. Normally, she didn't discuss work in detail with anyone. She kept the words to a minimum only acknowledging if it was simply good or tiring. Yet, that particular day it was more emotionally tiring as a young soldier who was only 21 had come through for a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Old wounds from the war began to bleed.

Bucky noticed her withdrawn mood.

His question snapped her out of her stupor and a part of her thought he would know as Alma would have surely told him or even Rebecca yet Lillian realized Bucky respected her privacy.

Lillian still remembered the heat as she and fellow nurses were blown out of the tent onto the broken ground. She remembered the screams of men and her friends that were drowned out by more grenades, bombs, and men looking for victims. She could hear her friends' wails as some men prolonged their misery as they abused them in ways Lillian couldn't fathom.

Lillian could feel the hot soil still beneath her fingertips as she crawled into the woods for safety ignoring the terrors behind her. She didn't know how long she staggered through the woods when she came upon the site of Martha bloodied and bruised her nurse's' uniform torn looking like scraps.

The next thing she remembered were flames licking her skin as blood pooled in her mouth.

They told her she was lucky. Only her back bore the battle scars from burns, bruises, and thick jagged white scars.

"The base was attacked." She told him simply and left it at that.

His eyes darkened for a moment before he took her hand and applied a gentle kiss to her palm. She noticed he used his left hand.

…

The best part about being with Bucky, Lillian thought, was seeing him interact with Thomas. Alma and Lillian both expressed to Bucky he had no obligation in buying Thomas gifts or taking him anywhere, but both of their words fell on deaf ears. Quickly, Bucky had become Thomas' favorite person besides his mother.

When Bucky was with Thomas, she noticed the tension he held in his body evaporated. His smiles weren't heavy, but lite. He laughed more with Thomas than she had witnessed with anyone besides Steve. Her smile faltered slightly at the thought of the Captain. She knew better than to mention the name around him as even with the name escaped his lips a pained expression came across his face that followed by him excusing himself from the room.

Sometimes, it did hurt that Bucky couldn't be carefree the way he was with Thomas yet she knew being jealous was unfounded considering she still held some reserve with him.

However panic seized her bones as Bucky let out a strangled cry that had frightened both her and Thomas as his right hand was clutching his left arm as he left the room.

Thomas immediately ran into her lap while Bucky left where she presumed to be the bathroom.

She was unsure of how to proceed. She had feigned ignorance in noticing how he shied away from using his left arm. She never asked for details about his fall and how he was found. She thought maybe that was partially stupid yet she had avoided any topic of her medical discharge of the corps.

But as a nurse, he could have injured his arm and she had the knowledge to tend to it. She delicately placed Thomas on the couch and handed him a toy while she traveled down to the only closed door in the house which was the bathroom.

Lillian knocked gently on the door, "Bucky, are you okay?"

She heard the shuffling of fabric before his strained voice came across, "Yeah, I'm fine, Lill."

"Then let me see." Lillian demanded as her hand hovered over the doorknob.

"Lill, I'm okay." He insisted.

"Bucky, I'm coming in," she informed him as she went to open the door and was met by resistance. Worried blue eyes clashed with her brown ones through the crack in the door. "James, please open the door." She pleaded.

Bucky eventually surrendered and she made her way into their spacious bathroom. Bucky had discarded his usual long sleeve shirt and was in a simple white tee that showed a fraction of what he was trying to hide from her.

His left arm was littered in thick white scars and one so deep the runs from his forearm to elbow. She knew it touched bone and mostly likely the bone broke through his skin. She knew there were more from how the scars didn't stop where his sleeve did. She also knew there had to be nerve damage that he desperately tried to hide from her. She hated the words that came out from her mouth as she could see his breathing was off and he had trouble looking in her eyes. "Show me the rest, please."

He looked at her uneasy and she would have respected it if he refused, but he removed the undershirt with ease exposing the full extent of the damage the fall had done on him. Bucky was lean and muscular, but not bulky. He was sinewy unlike most men that returned looking scrappy from being underfed during the war. His dog tags gleamed in the light of the bathroom. On his left arm, the scars extended to his bicep along his shoulder and through the mirror even on his blade. He had scars extending to his pec and a few scattered along his ribs.

Months of practice as a nurse Lillian schooled herself in keeping a neutral face, but in the back of her head she knew she had seen worse. She had been exposed to chunks of skin missing from bodies, limbs hanging loose by arteries, but to him this is the worse she could possibly see.

Lillian stepped forward cautiously as she looked him directly in the eyes; she knew it would be too risky to touch him, "I don't care about the scars."

His blue eyes turn uncertain and she hid the sting that he wouldn't trust her words.

She stood still as she untucked her blouse from her skirt. She ignored the widening of his eyes and words of protest as she grabbed his strong callous hands and directed it to her back underneath her top.

She bit back the urge to recoil as his warm hand trailed over her raised flesh. She watched the confusion dawn to understanding. "I really don't care." She reiterated to him.

Warms fingers ghosted over her jagged white scars that made her shiver before he slipped his hand from her shirt. Strong lean arms wrapped around her.

…

It's nice – easy – being with Bucky. He didn't expect much and accepted Lillian for who she was. He respected the fact that she loved her work and she valued being independent. Bucky lets her be her own person. Lillian realized Bucky was more progressive than most men in their times. Yet, those same thoughts brought a troubling ache in her mind. Lillian wouldn't say she was jealous, but she was insecure. Bucky had never given Lillian reason to be either of those things. But Lillian was aware of his past and how plain she was in comparison to most of the girls he used to be with.

Lillian was aware since the beginning of their relationship this was the slowest Bucky had ever gone with a girl. He knew it too as after four months when after sharing many heated and hungry kisses his mouth trailed to her neck Lillian froze. He understood and simply gave her that sweet smile assuring her that they would go at her pace.

After that the kisses did become bolder and she allowed Bucky's hand to move beyond her waist especially after they had exposed their scars to one another.

It wasn't until after Lillian went to see a movie with him when she finally found the voice to ask what he saw in her.

They were walking back to his car holding hands, since their scene in the bathroom he had grown comfortable enough with letting her hold his left hand, when Sylvia Martin startled Lillian out of her thoughts as she collided with Bucky who had gone still and tense from the unexpected arrival and gesture.

Sylvia was beautiful like Rita Hayworth beautiful Lillian observed. Her clothes were much more elegant and expensive and it didn't take long for Lillian to gather that Bucky was quite familiar with her. Lillian went to remove her hand from Bucky's tight grasp, but he wouldn't let go as he quickly released himself from the one-sided hug.

Lillian saw the hurt on Sylvia's face and even a pinch of disbelief as Bucky introduced her as his girlfriend. After that Sylvia made a quick exit not before sending Bucky a pointed look that no doubt meant she was available if he became bored.

Lillian quickly wondered if Bucky was bored as there were things she weren't ready for.

She heard him sigh before she was tugged to a stop. Bucky forced her to look at him as he explained, "Sylvia and I…we used to date."

"I gathered," Lillian answered succinctly. She could tell he was unsure of where to lead the conversation. She could read the uncertainty with a hint of sadness in his blue eyes. Lillian wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "I'm not like those other girls James –"

"I know that," Bucky interrupted, his voice firm and steady.

"So I don't understand why you are with me."

He chuckled at her which irked her for a moment before she zoned in on his smile. His smile was wide. It reminded her of when they were on the ship taking them to England. It was untainted. His blue eyes were sparkling with something she hadn't seen before, "Because I love you."

…

Lillian was slaving over a hot oven when Alma brought it up.

"So you and Bucky have been bolder."

Lillian looked at her older sister in confusion as she mashed the potatoes in her bowl, "What do you mean?"

"He spent the night didn't he in your room?"

Lillian flushed a deep red as she looked away from her sister's imploring light brown eyes. It wasn't the first time Bucky had taken to staying the night over at the house. It usually happened at least once a week when she babysat Thomas since Alma and her boyfriend, Jack, would have date nights and Alma would spend the night with him. Lillian would donate her room to Bucky for the night and reside in Alma's.

However, last night, Lillian was feeling a little bold. Usually after putting Thomas down for bed, her and Bucky would reside in the living room and watch a little television before one of them usually initiated a make out session on the couch. They were always innocent. The only scandalous thing that ever resulted was that she accidentally gave Bucky a hickey.

Though last night she felt brave and had the courage to invite Bucky into her bedroom and she let Bucky explore more with his fingers and afterwards even let him just sleep in the bed with her.

"Did you guys have sex?" Alma asked excitedly.

"No, we didn't." Lillian answered with a pink face and she watched her sister's face fall slightly.

"Are you waiting until marriage?" Alma asked bluntly.

Lillian pursed her lips at the question. She had been taught and molded that good girls were supposed to save themselves for marriage. She could say that she considered that she would save herself for her future husband, but now with Bucky and how she felt about herself as her own woman her thoughts were shifting. "Uh…I don't know. I'm just not ready yet."

Alma nodded her head in understanding. "So what did you do?"

"Al, I don't feel comfortable talking to you about this."

"Why? I'm your sister," Alma said affronted.

Lillian rolled her eyes. When Alma discovered boys and the joys of the opposite sex's anatomy, she would regale Lillian with all the sordid details. Alma would constantly tell her stories were vital lessons for when she would begin dating. Yet, any guy Lillian did see occasionally the information wasn't even useful as nothing lasted more than a couple dates the longest was 4 months as she was too focused on her academics than getting married after high school.

"I know, but…this is all new for me."

Alma gave her a genuine smile. "Bucky is good for you. You two seem very happy all things considered."

Lillian threw her sister an appreciative smile. "Thanks it means a lot Alma."

"Well until then make sure you keep track of your calendar and he uses a rubber."

"Alma!"

…

It wasn't until the 4th of July; Lillian realized there was a side of Bucky that he still kept hidden from her. She knew going into a relationship with a veteran there were going to be days he wouldn't be able to smile. There would be nightmares that made sleep elude him. There would be things that could trigger an unwanted memory or an attack.

There were silent nights where he would cling to her scared she would somehow slip through his fingers. Those days as he trembled, she felt the tears that leak down from his cheeks onto hers.

He also could be cold giving her frostbite.

He barely talked on those days and when he did it was all in code. He would ramble on about bugs mostly. How mosquitos were the bane of his existence in foxholes, but soon the bugs became deformed as he would describe them growing two heads. She never questioned it instead she would give him food that would be untouched. His sky blue eyes unfocused and glazed as they stared off into space. She knew a part of it wasn't intentional and it was just grief. But it still stung – it still hurt.

She accepted it and gave him the space he needed like now.

She knew it was Steve's birthday besides the nation's.

With all the red, white, and blue and even the occasional reference to Captain America, the day would understandably be hard on Bucky.

In not so many words, she conveyed to him that he didn't need to go to the neighborhood picnic with her, Alma, and Thomas. But in his false smiles and cheer, he insisted he would be fine and he couldn't back out of his promise to Thomas in letting him rest on his shoulders during the fireworks. She wanted to deny his presence or more importantly talk about the important factor that had her extra attentive to his behavior and mood.

They had yet to talk about Steve or those two missions that brought an early winter to their relationship and the whiplash she felt on those days from his withdrawn mood. She wanted to. She knew she had to, but every time she got some courage to ask him, she lost her voice. She didn't want to sour the mood in mentioning his best friend and the reasons why his eyes were so hollow and dim.

Lillian was understandably nervous as they mingled sporadically with her neighbors in the park as people approached Bucky thanking him for his service along with Steve. If she didn't know Bucky the way she did, she would have thought the smile on his face was genuine. But it wasn't. It was strained and tight around his teeth. His eyes were unfocused in the memories of his lost friend. It was the subtle clench of his jaw that gave away his anxiety and annoyance. She knew because she had received that exact smile on bitter days.

Despite the façade he was showcasing to the neighborhood, what had her nerves jumbled and had her stomach in knots was the fading bruise on his right cheek he arrived home with a little over a week ago.

She knew there were more hidden underneath his dress shirt.

…

It wasn't until the day of Thomas' birthday party that Lillian met Bucky's parents formally as his girlfriend.

Lillian knew George and Winifred Barnes when she was a child before her family relocated from Flatbush.

Bucky took after his father physically. Both men were tall nearing 6 feet with strong jawlines. George was a bulky muscular compared to his son's more sinewy physique. All of the Barnes had dark brown hair.

Mr. Barnes was a war veteran himself and a very serious man. There were times when the man wouldn't emerge for his house for days and the whole neighborhood could hear his deep voice through the closed windows before the door slamming vibrating the apartment complex. The patriarch no doubt tried to drown his nightmares with a drink. On his worst days, she knew Sarah Rogers let the family seek refuge before George crawled back sobbing wanting to only be held in his wife's arms. With Lillian having her medical background and the firsthand experience of war, she knew what it could do for a person.

Lillian could remember her mother whispering how she believed George was abusive to his family but those allegations were always unfounded. Winifred, herself, had confronted her mother about her loose tongue would get her in trouble and George never raised a hand to her and their children. Mrs. Barnes and her mother hadn't spoken a word to each other since.

Yet, it seemed the years since she had left Flatbush, the callousness of George Barnes seemed to have been rubbed away and gone were the hard stares, but tired soft eyes marred with crow's feet.

From Winifred, Bucky had inherited her personality and cornflower eyes as his sister did from her.

Winifred was a quiet and small church going woman. She had brown short hair she kept in perfect finger waves through all the seasons. Winifred's soft personality contrasted with her husband's and Lillian knew that Mrs. Barnes doted on her firstborn and only son and like any mother overlooked her son's wild ways from his youth.

Lillian was watching as Thomas smashed cake in Bucky's face with George chuckling softly next to them. Alma was busy taking pictures of the moment while Alma's friends cooed about the scene in front of them and also how Bucky was a dish. Lillian had already been cornered by the girls who were eager to congratulate her on finding such a man.

Lillian was washing her hands in the kitchen sink while watching the sight unfold when Winifred had come into the kitchen with a pleasant smile on her face.

Lillian was unsure of where the conversation was going to go even after Mrs. Barnes had assured her many times how much she adored her and thought she was the perfect match for her son, and she wasn't just being hopeful, just honest.

"Thomas is such a sweet young boy and absolutely adores Bucky." Winifred greeted when she came into the kitchen.

Lillian agreed. "Bucky is real good with him and very respectful about Alma's situation."

"Well, it really isn't in our place to judge anyone besides your sister is doing very well." Winifred said politely with a smile contrasting her religious morals.

Lillian smiled gratefully at Mrs. Barnes words and was taken back slightly from Winifred's somber words that left her mouth as a chilling ache settled in her bones and heart.

Mrs. Barnes eyes had turned dark almost grey as she looked at her with melancholy a small smile graced her lips before she spoke. "Men like my son…my husband…they have a sadness in them. It never goes away. One day the dam with truly break and please don't let it drown you. I would hate to lose my son for a 3rd time."

…

"Are you sure?" Bucky's voice was strained, hesitated, but there was heavy want and need mixed in there that he wished he could mask, but considering the position and situation they were in, she knew nothing could hide it nor the possible disappointment if she were to change her mind.

They were in Bucky's apartment in his bedroom. Her back was resting on his soft, but firm mattress. Her sundress was laying somewhere on the floor with her shoes along with Bucky's long sleeve dress shirt, suspenders, belt, and his shoes and pants. Leaving him only in his white undershirt and boxers, his dog tags were cool against her breastbone.

Lillian was exposed in her best brassiere and panties.

A part of Lillian knew the night was going to end like this. She and Bucky, mostly her, were becoming more adventurous in their affections in private. She had taken Alma with her to buy lingerie, which had put a sizable dent in her wallet. Plus, she knew that she felt ready with Bucky. She didn't care about waiting for marriage or it was a stain on her soul to engage in these activities with a man who wasn't her husband.

She wanted Bucky.

Lillian nodded her head feeling incredibly shy as Bucky's fingers trailed her heated skin causing goosebumps to erupt. Her lips parted involuntarily and Bucky readily took the invitation and brought his lips down upon hers gently. Lillian reveled in the softness of his lips and his taste as his tongue dipped into her mouth and danced with her own.

Lillian didn't believe she could ever want someone as much as she wanted Bucky in that moment and all they were doing were kissing.

Her petite hands trailed from his neck up into his short brown hair where she tugged him down closer, pressing him deeper into her. His response was instant and intense as he began running his hands down her sides over the lace and silk material that covered her intimate areas before he paused at her hips pulling them towards him.

Her own hands began their own journey of Bucky's terrain across his muscular back and chest and broad shoulders. She dipped her fingers underneath the white cotton that covered him before she tugged it off exposing his top half fully to her his dog tags clinking from the motion.

In her delirious daze, she was still able to process his hesitancy that came with fully exposing his scars to her. Lillian leaned up and pressed gentle kisses to his scars which caused him to release a shaky breath. Her swollen lips traveled up from his palm all the way to his shoulder where she jumped to his chin and peppered kisses to his jawline all the way to his ear. She nibbled on his earlobe before traveling back down to his neck. Her tongue skated across his Adam's apple before she pressed a bite near the base of his neck immediately soothing it with her tongue.

She found herself lying firmly on her back again. Bucky's body pressed against hers. His gentle caresses were now demanding. His hands ran along her exposed thighs and up to her chest, his thumbs ghosting over the swells of her covered breasts causing her the peaks to harden to a delicious pain. The sounds she released would have embarrassed her, but she was beyond caring as he began grinding into her.

She felt a wet throbbing between her legs and the feeling in the pit of her stomach was becoming increasingly uncomfortable it was borderline painful. She longed for relief and knew Bucky was eager for it too as he shifted and she felt the evidence of his arousal pressing into her thigh.

She arched her back against him and exposed her neck to his lips causing him to begin kissing her feverishly leaving marks in his wake. Soon she was lost in the rhythmic grinding they were doing against each other that was increasing the ache between her thighs. She felt his hands creep between them over her belly down to her waist as his fingers hooked to the edges of her panties bringing them down while he shimmied out of his own confinements.

His hands rode slowly up her calves and thighs where they paused momentarily on her stomach. She was paralyzed with shyness as he smiled sweetly at her before his warm hands removed her bra and he began kneading her breasts gently that was soon replaced with his soft lips.

Lillian began to squirm with unspeakable need as the coil in her stomach became tighter.

He pulled up and kissed her passionately on her lips as she wrapped her legs around his hips bucking into him. Bucky didn't even hide the groan that escaped against his lips. His kissing became bruising before he pulled back. His blue eyes were dilated and burning black. He swallowed and whispered, "You're beautiful."

Lillian's mouth was dry as she was lost for words as she saw the intensity of the meaning behind his words. She leaned up slightly pressing a hungry kiss to his lips becoming consumed by him. He reluctantly separated from her once more as he took his dog tags off and replaced the item with a rubber as he put it on.

"Happy Birthday, Lill." He drawled as a smile graced his features.

Lillian couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her throat before it turned into a strangled moan as Bucky pressed himself against her center and kissed her savagely, "I promise I'll make it good for you."

Through the fog of being distracted of the fullness of him stretching her, with a pinch of pain before his lips soothed it, she knew in the back of her mind he wasn't just referring to this.

…

Lillian knew how Bucky coped with his horrors from the war, she was lucky.

Her coworker Susan's husband came back from the war hollow. Susan described him as a totally different man from whom she married. Susan had come into work frequently with bruises on her face and most likely on her body unseen from the fits he would go into. Lillian wondered why Susan didn't leave him for her own safety. But Susan claimed it wasn't him when he was triggered and she knew better to intervene when he fell into a trance.

Other men were sent into one of the few psychiatric facilities in the region and never seen again. The ones that did returned, they moved away from the areas away from the whispers of them being loopy.

The worst scenario was when some men decided to end their personal nightmares permanently.

Bucky never raised a hand to her.

In fact, he became distant.

The chill from him burned her. But there were other signs of his stress – his demons.

She never knew what his triggers were, but she knew alcohol broke the locks he kept the nightmares chained on. She already knew men like to drink. Growing up with her father a glass of whiskey was like an extended limb. She never scolded Bucky when he came to her house smelling of smoke, alcohol, and a scent that was all naturally him. Most of the times, he was just tipsy and would ramble on how beautiful she was. He was still lucid and wasn't stumbling over his feet.

Until one day, he wasn't just tipsy.

It was in the middle of a cold night during a heavy snowstorm he showed up at her door. Luckily, Alma was out with Jack and Thomas was already put down for bed. She didn't know if she was upset about the lateness of him showing up at her door or why he didn't just use the key she had given to him. The flare of anger that was blooming quelled once she really got a look at him after he staggered through the door almost toppling her with his weight.

She was grateful the house was only one story as it made it easier for her to direct him to her bedroom. The smell of whiskey on him made her wrinkle her nose and the residue of smoke was irritating her throat. It wasn't until she had him propped up against her headboard that she was able to make out his drunken slurs and the fact his face was damp. His face was twisted in agony, his blue eyes murky.

She was slowly removing his jacket, suspenders, then cuff links, when he gripped her wrist firmly with his scarred left hand. The strength of the gripped surprised her as he looked her squarely in her eyes. Tears were steadily leaking from his. A broken sob broke through his lips, "It's my fault. H-h-he w-w-wouldn't…" His voice trailed off as his eyes glossed over and became unfocused a part of her was relieved he wasn't rambling about bugs. Lillian hushed him as she gently pressed him back down onto her pillows. His body transitioned to the hard hiccups of his sorrow as he tried to speak, but Lillian shushed him once more as she abandoned removing his pants and lied back down on the bed with him. His head rested against her chest as she ran her fingers through his brown hair as his sobs and rambles dwindled to soft snoring.

Lillian at first was confused on what he could be talking about as she thought maybe something happened at the local tavern. But she knew he wasn't, for him to become this emotional while drunk, he was talking about Steve.

.

The following morning as he placed Thomas in his lap and fed him toast he promised what happened last night wouldn't happen again. Lillian told him it was okay, but he rebuffed her statement reiterating it wouldn't happen again. She wasn't relieved by his words as she knew if he wasn't going to show up at her door, it would be someone else's.

Parting with a cool kiss against her forehead, when he left a blizzard came.

She wondered if her winters would always be this cold.

…

If James Buchanan Barnes could survive the war, Lillian was sure he would be able to endure her debutante mother and her narcissistic father.

She hadn't been expecting the invitation to her parents' annual Christmas party considering they did not approve of her relationship with Bucky. They believed he was beneath her and more so, he would ruin her and her prospects of a good marriage (only if her parents knew). However, it was blatantly clear the reason they had extended an invitation to them was because of Bucky's connection to Howard Stark. And the kicker of it was that Lillian herself didn't even know the exact details of what Bucky did in fact do for Mr. Stark.

Lillian informed Bucky of her reservations about them going to the party, but he insisted with that sweet smile of his that everything would be fine.

True to his word, the party was fine. In fact, it surprised her how effortlessly Bucky was able to mingle with the elite society of the city. All of the husbands were huddled around the Sergeant with their whiskeys curious yet respectful about Bucky's time during the war – there was only one mention of Steve. The wives of the husband were hypnotized immediately under Bucky's charm all except her mother. Her dad had warmed up to him after his fellow peers didn't mind that Bucky wasn't directly involved in businesses and they lived in a middle/lower class neighborhood. Her mother was still discourteous towards Bucky. But he took it in stride and remained civil to her and would pointedly give Lillian a respectable kiss on the cheek.

Yet, as she watched Bucky mingle and various guest comment on how lucky she was to have Bucky, she wondered exactly what it possibly meant to have Bucky.

She loved Bucky. She didn't think she could possibly love someone as much as she loved him. Even with his cold fronts, she couldn't imagine loving another man the way she did with him. She knew that she had severely limited experience in relationships to compare any of them with her relationship with Bucky. But no one ever overwhelmed her the way he did. It wasn't a suffocating feeling, it was the way he had infiltrated her body – her being and how she wished to always be near him. She didn't know if it was exactly healthy, but she wouldn't trade what she was feeling.

It wasn't until they were back in his apartment, as she had taken to staying at his place, as she laid her head on his clammy chest with the sheets weaved between them, that she voiced what being with him entailed.

Her fingers were lightly tracing his chest causing his muscles to flex while his hand ran through her mussed hair, "I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest."

Bucky's chest vibrated against her ear before he spoke, "Well what did I do now?"

Lillian lightly jabbed him in his shoulder for his jesting before she turned serious, "Do you think about marriage and starting a family?"

Bucky's hand stopped moving in her hair and the bedroom was encased with silence and fear replaced the sated feeling in her body and she didn't dare look him in his eyes before he spoke. "Are you sure you want that with me?"

Lillian sat up clutching the sheet to her chest as she looked down at Bucky shocked by the insecurity that replaced his usual confident voice. His blue eyes were focused on his white sheets instead of her.

Her hand cupped his chin, "Why would you think that?"

He only shrugged his shoulders his eyes only glancing at her briefly before looking back down to the bed. These were times she was reminded that Bucky wasn't the charming boy from Brooklyn who enjoyed dancing and boxing. Now, this Bucky was a broken soul whose former self was left in an icy ravine in the Alps and was trying to live with the ghost that followed him home.

Lillian gave him a sweet smile and ran her hands his sweaty dark mane, "You know Bucky, I think you ruined other men for me."

Bucky released a deep chuckle as he flashed his teeth at her, "I think you're being too generous, sweetheart."

Lillian leaned down chest to chest to him, "I'm not teasing, James." Lillian moved up over and straddled his lap. "You know I'm going to say yes when you ask."

Bucky's eyes flashed with amusement and relief, "Well that's good to know."

Lillian leaned down and kissed him tenderly. She kissed the corner of his mouth, first on one side to the other, his cheeks then down to his strong jaw before he shifted his face and his lips were on hers and pressed gently into hers. Lillian allowed the change and allowed his tongue entry between her lips. They kissed slowly, languidly, like a promise shared only between them. "I love you, James."

…

Bucky was a happy drunk and it was a sight that she wasn't used too as she lead him back to his – their – bedroom after a night out with the surviving members of the Howling Commandos.

She was first unsure about meeting them as she didn't exactly want to intrude on their male time and the Howling Commandos were something that Bucky inexplicitly hadn't talk about yet like the most famous member of their team.

Yet, she was glad she met the people that were an extension of Bucky even with their harmless teasing on how did Bucky managed to claim a woman as her. She even decided to overlook how Dum Dum and Bucky seemed to have been in a rather long tense discussion while Gabe spoke – or she suspected – distracted her in testing how well she could speak French.

Despite that they all were such in a jovial mood she didn't mind that Bucky was consuming an abundance of alcohol more than that was appropriate in her presence.

Now though the alcohol was giving him bolder hands than she was used to. Especially as she hadn't even properly closed the door to his place before she found herself slammed (gently) against it. His mouth devoured hers in a bruising kiss as she felt him beginning to tear her dress off right along with her stockings that she knew were irrevocably ruined.

Lillian wasn't even aware they made it too his bedroom until her legs buckled against the edge of the bed while Bucky guided her down onto it as his kisses trail from her jaw, neck, and shoulder leaving visible marks in his wake.

Lillian didn't try to think what would have caused him to become frantic in his affections besides the alcohol. But she could taste it in his hungry kisses that something was clawing at him that he was using her to stay grounded before it consumed him.

She could feel him against her thigh before he slid into her causing her to release a strangled moan as she felt overwhelmed as she always did with him.

When she opened her eyes, they clashed with his as he watched her reaction, "You're so beautiful." The way he said it almost felt too pure considering the position they both were in. Lillian didn't get to respond before his lips came down and placed not a hard or gentle kiss on her lips, but something utterly consuming before his rhythm sped up and she felt the familiar tugging stirring in her lower abdomen. She was too lost in the sensation to realize Bucky didn't dig through his night table that prevented unwanted consequences.

When they're done, their scents mingled together, she laid her head on his chest as she listened to his heartbeat produce a calming melody.

His left hand played with the tips of her hair while his other held the occasional cigarette he smoked. Lillian didn't even have it in her to scold him as her fingers traced patterns on his stomach. The mood was serene so when he spoke Lillian wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I love you so much, Lill."

Lillian tilted her head up to gaze at her Sergeant, "I know, Bucky."

He looked at her as if she didn't completely understand his word – the depth of them. She really wished she could know what he was thinking, but instead of asking she only placed an earnest kiss to his lips and giving him the only thing she hoped to bring him back from his mind, "I love you, James."

His smile was small as the storm between his eyes seemed to wane. Taking the cigarette out of his hand and putting it out she made work of shutting off his lamp and going to bed where he quickly conceded to and came behind her wrapping his arms around her holding her tightly as if she would somehow disappear.

...

March was an indecisive month. It always seemed to be fighting if it wanted to snow or rain. The sun couldn't decide if it wanted to melt away the snow or hide behind the clouds. To her March was a bipolar month with scattered rain showers or a heat wave that seemed capable of cracking the concrete pavement. It was the month for transition, in Lillian's opinion. It was a time to start and explore new things. It was the beginning stage to prepare you for the warm summer months.

It was the time to begin removing the clutter from your home and maybe paint a room a different color.

However, now, March held something more than aberrant weather. It was also the month that Bucky was born in. She knew Bucky wasn't expecting anything extravagant for his birthday. The only thing he did request was a home cooked meal. Despite him claiming vehemently that he didn't want anything besides her company, she did spend a week's worth of pay on gifts for him ranging from some new slacks and shirts, a new watch, and she even risked putting a mini blizzard in March by asking for a picture of Bucky with Steve before he became a symbol – legend – and bought a nice frame for it.

As she fixed the tablecloth of Bucky's small wooden table and checked the clock fixed on the wall, she wondered where exactly the birthday boy was.

Lillian expected him to be a little late from coming back from a trip with Howard Stark, as he called her at the hospital to inform her of the trip having unexpected complications. She was a little peeved receiving that phone call as it seemed after the Holiday season his work with Stark had been resulting in a lot of late nights and unexplained bruising on his body that would miraculously healed faster than she ever witnessed on anyone.

The most infuriating part of these business trips were she didn't know if she should be insulted that he was lying to her. She didn't know how much longer she could keep telling herself that he would tell her when he was ready.

A knock at the door broke her out of her reviver of suspicions. Opening the door she faced a man she hadn't ever seen before giving her a small smile.

"Miss Kinney, my name is Jarvis. I work for Mr. Howard Stark and am a friend of Sergeant Barnes. I am here to regretfully to inform you that Mr. Barnes is in the hospital and I am here to escort you there."

…

Lillian wondered if this was the dam Winifred was referring too.

She didn't know what she expected arriving at her place of work not as an employee but a distraught love one.

In a private hospital room that were usually reserved for affluent society members was Bucky bruised and battered wrapped in bandages and high on morphine. Guards at his doors and Howard Stark and a brunette woman she recalled seeing at the base in Italy looked at her with sympathy. As she went to his bedside, he woke up briefly his mouth numb and thick from the medicine couldn't produce anything tangible and his hand's grip were considerably weak, but in his eyes she could clearly see the apology.

If she had to guess, she would say Bucky fell from a moving vehicle with the friction burns that were scattered over his body and the most prominent one that stretched from his temple down to his jawline. There were bandages peaking beneath his patient gown that covered stitches.

During the following days, she decided to ignore how his injuries were healing exponentially fast. At his every attempt to discuss what had indeed happened to get him in the hospital, she promptly shut down mostly because she didn't know if she wanted the truth now when she should have received it from the start, or the fact if he chose to lie he would receive more injuries.

She wasn't stupid either; she knew exactly what caused Bucky to end up in a hospital bed. Her anger trumped her heartache from his lies and almost the general well-being to his health.

If a prize could be given for misdirected guilt, Bucky would be the champion for it.

It wasn't until she was on her lunch break, which since his stay in the hospital began, she had delegated spending her hour with him, she finally snapped.

She was glad during the duration of her giving him a cold front he was perceptive to know it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows even if he was in a damn hospital bed. Her anger might have waned if he, Howard, and Agent Peggy Carter, who introduced herself later on the first night, still weren't having secretive meetings in his room.

She honestly didn't know what exactly made her snap as he was only reading the paper when she finally broke.

"Why would you think it was your fault?" She couldn't hide the venom in her voice.

His blue pupils dilated with question before a dark understanding came to understanding her words. The paper left his hands as his eyes glided past her, his strong jaw clenched as thoughts swarm his head before he shook his head, most likely trying to clear the thoughts away from the surface, as if it were that easy to bury like a pebble in sand. "You don't – didn't – know him like I did. He wouldn't have done it if he knew. Peggy said as much."

"She said what?"

He didn't answer and it only made her more pissed off than she already was as she felt her pulse rise. "When the base was attacked where I was stationed, when those men, killed and raped…I got away. I ran in the woods for safety and I found Martha…"

A sob caught in her throat recalling how Martha looked. Blood poured from a cut on her forehead. The blood was black mixed with dirt and debris from the sinister men. Her nurses' uniform ripped straight down the middle leaving her bare. Yet even in the darkness of the night, she could see the broken look in Martha's eyes.

Bucky moved to speak, but she held up her hand stopping him and honestly she didn't want to hear a lie – an excuse for his tangled misguided behavior and belief. "A bomb went off and the next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital with a mangled back, but they told me I got lucky. That's what everyone said. But sure I had a back full of scars that weren't even visible. But about Martha, sure she had some physical scars because I had covered her, but the mental ones. I tried to help her. I tried to be there for her, but she ended up taking her own life. And I blamed myself."

Lillian saw Bucky look at her in disbelief; she saw the underlying meaning seep in his azure eyes.

"I did. I wonder what if I was friendlier to her overseas. Or what didn't I say that might have pulled her back. Why when I was in the same tent with her did those men single her out than me? I spent months trying to figure that out and then I heard about your fall from the train... and I realized bad things happen to good people. With Steve… nothing would have changed the outcome Bucky. Steve was always a selfless man. He saved the world. Respect his decision…his sacrifice. What Steve did…he did it because he was a good man…just like you."

Her tears were falling freely nothing interrupted their path as they ran down her cheeks and in between her lips. "You know there are some days when I look at you and I think I really don't know you, but then it hits me that I do and it hurts." Lillian wiped the hot tears off her cheeks as she looked back at Bucky who looked even guiltier. "I take it you don't sit at a desk all day."

"No, I don't." At least he didn't have the decency to lie.

She placed a shaky damp kiss to his warm forehead and walked out of the room.

He didn't call after her just let her go.

…

At first it was hard.

She wanted to go back into his hospital room and nurse him herself back to health. She wanted to be there when he got home. She wondered if he opened his birthday presents or even if he liked them. Lillian imagined his sweet smile with his twinkling eyes that seem to hold a secret. She missed his warmth from his lean arms. She missed the lazy kisses he would wake her up with that would almost have her late for her shifts at the hospital.

Lillian could make a list that went on and on to the point it seemed pathetic in how much she missed Bucky. But them being apart was what she thought was best for both of them.

Yet, Lillian thought what hurt the most was she wasn't the only one affected by her and Bucky's separation.

Alma knew almost immediately considering that she had come back to staying at the house. Lillian couldn't hide the pain smile from her sister or her poor attempts to hide her crying in the bathroom running the water. Thankfully, Alma didn't ask for specifics. She was even more grateful that Alma didn't bash him for what she may believe caused the break up.

The one person she knew that was probably hurting as much as her was her little nephew. For the first week it was easy to explain why Bucky wasn't over like he used to due to him having booboos. Technically it was Alma who told him.

After the second week, considering she was home more, and looked sad, according to Tommy, it proved her only nephew was more perceptive than she anticipated. Tommy had tried to distract with coloring, building blocks, and various games he thought would amuse her out of the stupor he didn't understand.

It wasn't until April decided that it wanted to be spring officially that Tommy decided to ask a question she wasn't prepared to answer. The sun was out, but it wasn't a hot sun. Just enough sun to give you the illusion it was a nice day as the wind bit through all of your clothes. Thomas was bundled in a black pea coat with a gray hat as she pushed him on the swing set that Bucky purchased for him for his birthday.

It was only the two of them and she could admit she was giving him pitiful pushes on the swing. Only Bucky was brave enough to really give him height.

"Aunt Lily?"

Lillian grabbed onto the cold metal chains stopping the swing as she answered her nephew, "Yes, sweetie?"

"Where's Uncle Bucky?"

She didn't remember what she told him.

…

Ignorance was bliss, to a point.

It was hard to ignore her own signs when it seemed she was treating multiple women for the same symptoms that kept her up at night or from her once favorite foods.

She tried to pass it off as the flu as people were coming into the hospital left and right for flares in their allergies, running noses, and high tempers. She was bound to have caught something.

But she couldn't remember the last time she had her cycle.

Alma being as perceptive as her son didn't feign ignorance. She had been encouraging her to go see a doctor – to go see and tell Bucky.

But she didn't see the point, her skirts didn't fit as they did before and her stomach was changing. The doctor was only going to tell her what she already knew.

She had a piece of Bucky growing inside her.

…

It was a windy afternoon as Lillian exited a woman's store with new additions to her wardrobe. It wasn't much considering Alma still had her clothes when she was pregnant with Thomas, but Lillian still needed some new things like brassieres, underwear, and dresses that were more her style. She was in a slightly sour mood as the sales associate kept giving her dirty looks when it became apparent there wasn't a ring on her finger.

She was fighting the wind as it was blowing her skirt along with her bags when a familiar friendly voice hit her ears.

Lillian looked over to where Private Gabe Jones had pulled over his car, which he was exiting from.

"Miss Kinney, please let me help you."

Lillian didn't object the help as her feet were aching anyways as he placed her bags in his car and led her to the passenger seat before he entered the driver's side. She wondered if he knew about her and Bucky. If he had recently seen Bucky, but she wasn't going to bring it up. She wasn't that much of a masochist.

Lillian reveled in the heat as she placed her cool fingers near the heater.

"Why didn't you hail a cab?"

Lillian flustered slightly. As a nurse, she knew she was better off than most, but living on her income alone which came with paying bills on a house wasn't cheap even with Alma's contribution especially with the newest addition she was saving for.

"I could use the exercise." She responded neutrally, but she knew he could tell it was a lie. But he didn't dispute. "But thank you for the ride. I hope I am not putting you out the way."

"It's no problem, really, plus it seemed the wind was getting the best of you and you are in no condition to be handling that alone."

Lillian froze as she looked down at her stomach where her hands were at protectively caress the life inside her and her face flushed in embarrassment as she looked over to Gabe who was keeping his focus on the road.

He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes before he spoke, "It was the store you came out of."

Lillian nodded her head, "Is he okay?"

"He misses you, but he knows the way he was going – how he was doing things – he can't do that with you if he wants a life – future – with you."

…

Lillian had just walked through the door and was heading to her room when Alma stopped her.

"Bucky came by today."

Lillian froze and her hands went to her small bump. "What did he say?"

Alma gave her a sad smile. "He asked how you were and Tommy. He left something in your room though."

Lillian nodded her head at her sister. A lump had formed in her throat along with a churning feeling in her stomach.

Lillian walked quickly into her room where she found a small envelope on her bedside table next to the paper flower he made her overseas. She quickly closed the door to her room while she sat on the edge of her bed with the enveloped clutched in her small hands.

She delicately ripped open the envelope where she found a letter written in Bucky's neat handwriting, something she used to tease him for.

Dear Lill,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for the worry and the pain I put you through. I'm sorry for not being the man you truly deserve.

You were right though in the hospital about Steve. And a part of resents that about him and it was easy to blame myself than the truth. It was better to be in denial than accept what happened.

I know I should've told you from the beginning, but I do work with Stark, not exactly for him, but I mostly work with Peggy. If you want to see me again, I will gladly explain it all to you because you deserve to know. But I'm pretty sure you already know that we were looking for Steve and that's how I ended up in the hospital.

I want you to know I love you Lillian, more than you could possibly ever know. I think I fell in love with you when we saw each other on that ship or maybe when I came back from the battlefield and you were the one that mended my wounds, all of them. Being with you is something I didn't think was possible for a man like me.

You made it easier to breathe each day. You made it easier to live.

Love,

James

Lillian quickly wiped the hot tears off her cheeks as she finished the letter. It was then she realized there was more one item in the white envelope. The object was lite physically, but emotionally it made her throat dry and she believed her lip started trembling. It was a cool silver metal against her palm. Her thumb grazed over the engravings on the circular small discs of identification for the Sergeant James B. Barnes.

…

Her letter in response wasn't nearly as elaborate. She went to his apartment when she knew he wasn't going to be there. The apartment looked the same. James wasn't a messy person. He only had an issue of leaving his ties everywhere. So the apartment was still pristine and the only thing that was out of place was the dress jacket and tie hanging over the kitchen chair were he usually sat. Despite herself, she grabbed the jacket and tie as she usually done as she was trying to break him out of that habit to no avail and walked back to the bedroom. The bed was unmade on the side where he slept in. An empty pack of cigarettes rested next to an ashtray on the bedside table. Everything else looked the same as she remembered. Her things were in the same place she left them in from a small makeup set and hair products on the small vanity he bought her that he managed to get into his room.

She placed his coat and tie on the back of her vanity chair and quickly fixed his bed. She even threw about the empty pack of cigarettes and emptied the ashtray. Satisfied with her work, she placed his jacket and tie at the end of the bed with her short letter placed on top.

…

It was the Friday before Easter when she seen him. The cold front that had taken over the Eastern Coast had broken and a nice warm weather had taken over just in time for the holiday season. Lillian was personally dreading seeing her family on Easter Sunday given her situation. Reaching her home was Bucky.

He was leaning on one of the poles on her porch wearing the brown leather jacket she bought him for his birthday and she saw the gleam from the watch she purchased too. All Lillian could think was that he was so beautiful. Gorgeous to the point she thought it hurt to look at him. She missed looking at him and the way he looked her at. Like the way he was looking at her now as if she was the only girl in the world. It was the look that brought a pool of warmth to flood her system.

She wrapped her sweater tight around her frame as he met her at the bottom of her steps a hesitant smile on his face.

"Hey," he greeted warmly as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Hi."

Lillian watched as he smiled at her but he seemed nervous as she watched his Adam's apple bobbed. "How are you?" His eyes trailed from her eyes down to her stomach before they darted back up to her face as she replied.

"I'm okay, all things considered. You?"

"I'm getting by." He pursed his lips in a thin line before speaking uttering the same words in his letter, "I'm sorry, Lill. I messed up. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. But…with everything that has happened, if it weren't for you, Lill..."

Her fingers quickly went to his lips causing him to stop speaking.

A wide genuine smile overtook her face as she smiled at the man she knew she loved and wanted to spend her time the rest of her life with, "We're okay." She whispered. "But I hear ice cream makes everything better."

His warm calloused hand slowly reached out and covered the minuscule bump on her abdomen.

"Chocolate and peanut butter?" He asked softly.

He watched in amusement as her faced scrunched up. "No, strawberry and pickles."

She felt him chuckle most likely to hide the disgust as his hand tightened on her stomach before his descended upon her pressing a deep searing kiss conveying things words would never do justice.

She finally felt at home.