I don't know why, but I've been feeling the need to write very depressing things lately. It's sad really because as if Anidala couldn't get any more tragic, I decide to throw another tragedy at them. I also seem to have a thing for the pronoun game but that one isn't so bad (yet.)

Enjoy! (or cry...)

-DFD

She had always watched them from afar. As much as she hated to do it, as much as she wished she could be there with them, have a part in their lives, she knew she couldn't. Being together would have only made it easier to find them. It would have only needlessly put them in harm's way and she couldn't allow that to happen. Instead, she watched from a distance. Occasionally, she found a way to run into them, walking in the markets, passing them on the streets. If she was lucky they would smile at her, or apologize for bumping into her. And as small as those moments were, and how they most likely don't even remember it, she does. Those moments were the closest she had ever gotten to them and they are as precious as they are painful. There were times where all she wanted to do was to tell them the truth, to pull them close and hug them for the first time… but she never did. And there was no point to do it now. They were grown now, adults with their own lives, their own careers, and goals.

Padme had watched as Luke walked his sister down the aisle. Dressed in white, her daughter was a vision of beauty as she approached the man who had captured her heart. Padme smiled where she stood hidden among the many columns of the garden the wedding took place in. She remembered her own wedding, so many years ago… she remembered the house, and the lake, and how the sun reflected off her husband's head. She remembered his eyes. A nice deep blue that shined with pure unadulterated love for her. The memories brought a bittersweet smile to her lips as tears filled her eyes. Even after over two decades in hiding, she would still dream of what could have been She would still wake up on some days, hoping that this world was the dream and that when she turned over in her bed, he would be there. He never was.

Her children were everything she had hoped for them to be. Leia looked almost exactly like she had when she was younger and had become a founding member of the New Republic. A champion of democracy just as she had been in her youth, Leia led the restoration of the Galaxy, eliminating the corruption that had plagued the galaxy for over twenty years. Padme would watch the political debates on the holonet and would smile every time her daughter would put her colleagues in their place. She is as much her daughter as she is Anakin's. And it showed every time someone was fool enough to challenge her. Luke, on the other hand, was more like her in personality. While he looked nearly identical to his father, with blonde hair and blue eyes, he had a calm his father never had. With every conflict, he took the time to understand it and through wisdom found a way to resolve, resorting only to violence when it was absolutely the last option. Padme was so proud of him. A Jedi in his own right, he worked hard to rebuild the Jedi Order and ensured his father's legacy was not forgotten. The story of Anakin Skywalker was not one many wanted to hear. To discover that the hero of the Clone Wars had become the inhuman monster that was Darth Vader was unbelievable to most. And she was certain many of her son's students brushed the story off as some Imperial propaganda to make the Jedi's allegiance questionable or to make Vader seem like a hero. Padme especially found the story hard to believe. Even having lived through his fall, she still struggled to see it since for her, Anakin had been so much more than how the holonet portrayed him. He had been her best friend, her lover, her husband, and the father of her children. She had seen sides of him no one else had the privilege to see. She had seen him at his best and his very worst. And she loved him with all her heart.

She still loved him. She never stopped loving him. Even after Mustafar, even after he had turned on her and nearly killed her, she never once stopped loving him. She had tried. She tried to tell herself that she couldn't possibly love a man like that. But she did. Hearing about the atrocities Darth Vader committed had been painful for her. She knew Vader was Anakin and yet the way they acted were so different it was as if they were different people altogether. And perhaps in a way they were. Two sides of the same coin, one created out of love and the other created out of hate. She knew who to blame for the latter.

There had been a time where she had blamed herself for the chaos in the galaxy. A time where she wondered if she were to blame for Palpatine's rise since it was by her motion he had been nominated to be Chancellor. And it was with that power he had found a way to gain Anakin's trust, enabling him to twist his young mind and make him question everything he believes. She had known Palpatine was getting out of control, she had known her husband was close to him… why hadn't she done something about it? Because she didn't know how bad it really was. How could she know? How could she possibly know how far that monster wanted to go? And how could she know how Anakin fit into that plan? All she knew was that Anakin trusted him. That besides Obi-Wan, Palpatine had been like a father to him. A good friend and mentor, the man treated him with respect and encouraged him in ways the Jedi hadn't. And with only one person seeming to believe in his ability, it was no wonder Anakin felt compelled to trust the man.

But now he was dead. And with his supporters no longer in power, Padme no longer had to fear discovery. She no longer had to hide from her children. She could be a part of their lives if she so wished. But doing so would be so hard for her. She had missed every important moment in their lives. She had missed their infancy, their childhood, their teenage angst years… she had kept her distance for so long, could she even bear to get close to them? She loves her children. They are the best parts of her and Anakin… but she is not strong enough to do it. Not anymore. She had always thought when Vader died she would feel nothing. She had thought she had finished mourning for her husband years ago since that was when he had truly died. Anakin Skywalker died back on Mustafar when his eyes turned that sickly shade of yellow and had turned on her. But when word reached her that Vader had died on the Death Star II, she had felt the same constriction on her heart as she fell to the floor and wept. She had realized in that moment she still had the lingering hope that he would find her. Hope that maybe if he saw her, he would come back to her. But that was not to be. He was dead now, truly dead. And she was alone.

Padme drew her cloak tight around her body, the hood pulled up to cover her face as she slowly walked to the cemetery. The caretaker stood, waiting for her, dressed in black with a cart behind him carrying a stone slab. He bowed his head to her as she approached. "Evening milady," He greeted, "I am so sorry for your loss." Padme nodded to him but remained silent as she walked past him towards the plot near the center of the cemetery where a stone mausoleum stood. She stopped at the door and looked at the intricate carvings of Naboo's goddesses that framed it. She took a deep breath and opened the door, the creaking of the wood echoing in the small chamber in the center. It was a little disturbing to be here, to enter her own tomb where she was supposedly buried. She would be one day, but for now, it would be for another.

As per her orders, part of the mausoleum had been redone. Instead of one stone coffin in the center of the room, there was now two situated side by side. One with the Emblem of the Old Republic and one with the Emblem of the Jedi. Behind each coffin was a stained glass memorial of the person for whom each coffin was for. One was obviously of her, but the other was of a man. Padme smiled as she looked at the image. She had to give the artists credit, they captured his likeness perfectly. Dressed in his Jedi robes and looking exactly as he had twenty-five years ago, the image of Anakin Skywalker stared down at her.

Padme turned to the caretaker who was waiting patiently by the door. She gave him a nod and he turned to retrieve the stone slab that was in the cart. He carried it over to the foot of the coffin with the Jedi emblem and placed it on the ground. Padme walked around him and read the inscription.

Anakin Skywalker

Jedi Knight

General of the Grand Army of the Republic

Loving Husband

Beloved Father

She read it again to be certain of its accuracy before dismissing the caretaker. He had done his part and she didn't need him around anymore. Lowering her hood, she knelt before the tombstone and looked back up at the piercing blue eyes of the window. She misses him. Misses his smile, his laugh. Misses waking up in his arms, the feel of his lips on hers. She can't help but wonder if she could have done more. If she had told him she loved him every chance she got, if she had taken him up on his offer to leave the Jedi sooner, or if she had done more to quell his fears… maybe then all of this could have been prevented. She also wondered if she had given up on him too soon. She knew there was still good in him. She knew it. So why did she listen to Yoda when he advised her to hide? Perhaps if she had sought hi out, maybe she could have saved him from himself.

Padme shook her head. There was no point in dwelling on what ifs. It doesn't change what has happened. It doesn't change that he is dead. That there is no way for them to be together now. She placed her hand on her chest, her fingers finding the well-worn japor snipet he had given to her when they were children. Who would have thought that little slave boy who thought she was an angel would have become the love of her life? Her eyes found the coffin once again. Returning to her feet, she moved to stand beside it. She hated the idea of burrying an empty coffin. But there were so few things she had of him that she couldn't possibly part with them. Instead, she had spent months in search of something- anything- she could bury of him. Padme reached into the folds of her cloak and pulled out the object she had found. Twisting the hilt in her hand, she looked down at what had once been her husband's lightsaber from when he was a Jedi. It wasn't easy to find. The only clue she had to go off of had been Cloud City and that in itself made it difficult as it could have easily been lost to the planet surface. But after weeks of searches and inquiries, she found it.

"This weapon is your life," She recalled Obi-Wan telling her husband all the time. She smiled remembering the day Anakin had tried to give it to her as a symbolic gesture of his undying love for her. This weapon was his life. And what better thing to bury with a Jedi than his own lightsaber? Crafted by him, built for him, and the tool she can attribute to helping keep him alive during the Clone Wars, she can only pray it will continue to do so in the next life.

Padme pushed the lid of the coffin over just enough to fit the lightsaber. Her fingers gripped it tightly as she pressed her lips to its side and whispered, "I love you, Ani," before placing it inside and sealing it once again. Her hand remained on the cold stone lid and breathed in deep, silently asking one last time, to wake from this nightmare and find herself in a hospital with her husband standing vigil by her side and their babies in his arms. But it wasn't to be. And somehow, she has to find the strength to live on without her children and without the love of her life. She felt as though she were back on Polis Massa again after being told what had happened and what the next steps were. This time, however, she was alone. Yoda was not here to advise her and she hand o find a way to cope on her own.

A tear escaped her eye and fell on the coffin, the light grey stone stained darker where the tear landed. She had to leave. It was time to say goodbye. Vader was dead. Anakin was dead. Her children were grown and living their lives. It was time she closed this part of her life. Time she moved past what could have been and what was. It was time she focused on what will be. She didn't know much about what waited for her when she left this sacred tomb, but she knew she had to see it. And one day, when her time finally comes, maybe he will be there waiting for her.

END