AN: This is a Fluff Friday fic (for those who may remember it from tumblr). Many thanks to ofhealinglove for her quick read over this! All mistakes remain my own.

AN2: Also, this is vaguely based in the UchiSaku Mafia!verse AU. ;)

Hurrying down the mansion's dark wood-panelled hallway, the plush cream carpet muted the blows of Kisame's heavy feet against the hardwood. Sun streamed in from the windows on the right as he slammed through another door, mindful to grab it before it crashed into the wall.

The text had been vague yet pressing, sent from the boss's personal line, and all it had said was,

Urgent. Main House. Now. Approach silently.

As a faithful servant to the Uchiha, Kisame understood the great trust his leader placed in him, allowing him to enter and move about freely within the family rooms, also known as the Main House. He wore his fiercest expression as he raced to the rear of the sprawling residence, where Madara's private office and family quarters were. The Main House was the one area where the Uchiha banded together as family-only, instead of blood brothers and criminals, and allowed their true personalities to come through. It was also where their closest secrets were kept and protected, and shared.

To think that someone had dared breach the inner sanctum of the Uchiha, though, had Kisame questioning who was trying to steal a march on the organization.

He passed through the last armoured door with the chip embedded in his wrist, the light by the panel on the wall flashing to make his way through to the main room when he heard raised voices on the far side.

He raised his Glock, flicking off the safety as he moved silently forward, keeping close to the wall and minding that he didn't brush up against it, not wanting the sound to give away his position.

Four steps.

Three steps.

Two steps.

One step—

"Kisame. Quit skulking. We've been waiting for you," called Madara from behind the couch.

Arching a brow, Kisame kept his weapon raised, poking his head around the corner.

As always, he was somewhat awed by the group of eerily similar men who gathered together at the sideboard, snooker table and leather sofas; their hair and eyes were darker than the witching hour, their bodies muscled, lean and dangerous, their reflexes cat-like in their grace and speed, and around them hovered the sinister aura they were known for.

And in the middle of them, seated on the couch in front of Madara, his hands on her shoulders, sat the woman who ruled them all—though she would never admit it.

Her bright spring colouring of rose-petal hair and hypnotic green eyes called to him from her quiet spot in the middle of the throng, his eyes drinking in her brightness and intelligence. He wasn't sure how they had ensnared this woman, but she was theirs and they were hers and she was one of the most closely guarded secrets within the Clan.

The other, even more closely guarded secrets played on the carpet at her feet, while one remained bundled and suckling at her breast and another curled into her side, sucking her thumb.

"Safety on around the children," reminded Sakura gently, looking up at him with her keen focus. It was enough to make Kisame holster his weapon, ignoring the hint of a blush on his cheeks.

"Of course, my apologies," he said, bowing his head for a moment. When he lifted it again it was to find Sakura smiling at him in thanks.

It was then that Kisame took in how relaxed the group looked. Itachi and Shisui by the sideboard sharing amber scotch. Sasuke by the window keeping watch, splitting his attention between the gardens and the children by Sakura's feet. Izuna chalking the tip of his pool queue as he studied the shot he prepared to take.

And Madara, one hand resting on Sakura's shoulder while the other tangled possessively in the end of her hair, his eyes burning into Kisame in warning.

Kisame's shoulders slowly felt a hundred pounds heavier.

It was going to be one of those days.

"Madara," called Izuna from the snooker table.

To Kisame's mild relief, it distracted his leader after a moment and Madara turned his gaze on his younger brother.

"We need to leave soon," said Izuna.

"It doesn't need to be all of us," insisted Sakura. She tucked the baby over her shoulder and rubbed his back to burp him, but Madara had already untangled his hands from her wavy hair and reached down, slid a cloth on his shoulder and relieved her of the small, warm burden. Sakura smiled at him knowingly, her brow arched, but discreetly tucked her nursing bra and blouse back in, comfortable doing so around the group by now.

"We are happy to join you," said Itachi, setting down his glass in the nearby sink, Shisui right behind him.

"And spoil you," teased Shisui, setting his glass down beside Itachi's before joining Sakura's oldest child on the floor. "Right, Shiko-kun? It's fun to spoil mommy."

"I wanna come!"

"Not this time, darling," said Sakura, patting her son's feather-soft raven hair. "But we can go to the park later, okay?"

"I don't wanna go to the park. I wanna go with you!"

Sakura sighed but Sasuke spoke up.

"What about a drive in my new car when we come back?"

Shiko's appleseed eyes widened and shone as he looked up at Sasuke with pure adoration.

"Really? Can we go really fast again?"

"Shiko—," began Izuna in a warning tone.

"Sasuke—," mirrored Itachi in the same tone.

"As we're all here, we shall proceed," broke in Madara, dominating the situation and room by coming around the front of the couch.

"He'll go down for a nap now," advised Sakura, reaching around to pull her middle child onto her hip. "You ready for a nap, too, darling?"

The little girl, Keiko, turned her head into her mother's neck, still sucking her thumb, and shook her small, dark-haired head 'no'.

"Then you need to behave," said Sakura in a no-nonsense voice.

The sweet-looking little girl nodded her head, melting into her mother's side like a well-loved ragdoll.

To Kisame's surprise, the rest of the men in the room softened, too, watching the only daughter to the Clan with adoration and devotion.

—All except for Madara who rested his heavy gaze on Kisame once again.

"Where are we going?" asked Kisame after a moment as the rest of the Uchiha and Sakura gathered their coats from the closet.

"My friend Ino is visiting. We're going out to lunch before going shopping for bridesmaids dresses for her wedding," explained Sakura. "If I can find anything that fits, that is."

Kisame nodded. Certainly, such an activity would be quite boring for the children.

But he kept his personal remarks to himself about Sakura's stunning physique—especially about how the hardest thing for her would no doubt be finding a dress that would support her milk-swollen breasts—because Izuna, Itachi, Sasuke, Shisui and Madara were all glaring at him, daring him to comment.

"Nothing you choose will come close to matching your natural beauty," he said instead, patting himself on the back.

He was so glad he read that book on etiquette Itachi gave him years ago. It may have been a gag gift, but it had saved his bacon more than once.

He didn't miss the quirk of a grin and wink from Shisui, or the lessening of tension in Itachi's and Sasuke's shoulders.

… or the way Madara and Izuna continued glaring at him.

Kisame heaved a mental sigh. Couldn't win 'em all.

"Which bridal boutique," he asked, snapping the gun back into its holster and holding open the door. "Shall I call a car around?"

"No need," said Madara.

Then he handed the baby on his shoulder to Kisame.

"You're on babysitting duty. We'll be back by four."

With that the Uchiha and Sakura abandoned Kisame with the three children.

Sakura, at least, flashed him an apologetic smile before she ducked out the door—handing him Keiko as she passed.

The door closed behind them with finality, clicking, locking, and sealing him inside with three children.

The three most precious treasures of the entire Uchiha clan.

He swallowed.

Wait!

He could put down the potato sack one down for a nap. That only left him two.

With a small mental sigh, he congratulated himself on improving his odds.

Then he turned around to invite Shiko with him to the nursery while he put down the baby—

—and felt the blood freeze in his veins.

Shiko was gone.

3D baby monitor strapped to his left arm, Keiko slung across his back in a sling, and a bag of Goldfish crackers and candy shaking from his right hand, Kisame cleared another bedroom in the hunt for Red Shiko.

Or, Kisame was seeing red.

That little twerp had definitely made use of his parents' parting to skive off unnoticed.

Not for the first time, Kisame wondered how much of an impact each sire had on his offspring, and if he would ever know for sure who was each child's father as they grew up.

He had a feeling this one was Izuna's or Shisui's, because those two could be squirrelly as all Hell at times, fast and sneaky.

Speaking of…

As he passed in front of a hallway, he was nearly into the next corridor when he spun around and yanked on the collar of the boy who tried to sneak past him again.

"Hey!"

Ignoring him, Kisame slapped a tracking bracelet around his throat.

He was small.

It would be fine.

Shiko glared at him.

"If you'd waited for five minutes, I could have told you we're going to the armoury."

Shiko's eyes widened as did his grin.

"—for a tea party," explained Kisame, setting out the tiny cups and saucers and milk as Shiko wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms imperiously in front of him.

Still possibly Madara's, then, pondered Kisame. That, or the kid idolized the Uchiha Clan Head too much.

"This is stupid," Shiko pouted.

"You're stupid," said Keiko, helping Kisame set out the rose-petal trimmed ceramic set.

Obviously this had been a Shisui or Madara indulgence, as Kisame didn't think Sakura would have allowed Itachi, Sasuke or Izuna to spoil her daughter with such a delicate, heirloom-style toy. Madara or Shisui would have gone ahead and done it anyway.

Really, Kisame had no idea how the whole thing started—or how the...sharing….worked—and he was keeping himself clear of it as best he could.

"You know how to clean a gun yet?" asked Kisame, helping Keiko steady a teddy so it would sit upright on the blanket they laid out for their tea party.

"Yeah," lied Shiko.

Kisame snorted.

Then he pulled out a key, stepping over Keiko carefully, and unlocked one of the cabinets, removing a small handgun.

With an ease of familiarity that bordered on sleight of hand, Kisame emptied the bullets, removed several small, moving parts and returned it to Shiko with the safety on.

"The key to being able to shoot fast," he said, "Is to build up your arm strength and know your weapon."

"Uh huh," said Shiko, rapt.

"Figure out how to take this apart and put it back together again before your parents get home."

With a small whoop of excitement, Shiko plopped down on a corner of the blanket and started jamming his fingers into the gun.

With a smirk, Kisame turned back to Keiko.

"How are you doing? Does everyone have their tea?" asked Kisame, sitting down cross-legged and towering over the children and toys.

"Yes," said Keiko with a gentle smile.

"Good. Which one's mine? Can I have this one?" he asked, picking up a delicate china cup and lifting it to his lips. He exaggerated by sticking his pinky in the air and winking at her.

Heh, he was nailing this babysitting thing.

"Oh no, not that one. That one's Miss Danube's. It's arsenic."

Kisame spat the tea across the room.

"Miss Danube has been very naughty," said Keiko gravely.

Rapidly wiping at his lips, Kisame stared at Keiko in mounting horror.

"Where did you learn about arsenic?" he coughed. His lips were numb. Was that normal? Was he overreacting? Now it was his tongue. Uh oh.

No, he just bit his tongue, that's all.

Wait, was his breathing acting up?

"Mommy's been teaching me. She says I'll need to know it later to deal with the bad boys who try to break my heart."

"...right," coughed Kisame. He was beginning to grasp a whole lot better the entire dynamic in the Uchiha Clan.

He reached for another cup and hesitated.

"This one is for you," smiled Keiko, offering him one.

"Is there anything special about this one?" he asked, forcing a smile for her as he accepted.

She shook her head, raising her tea cup and smiling at him.

"Cheers!"

He clinked their cups together excruciatingly gently.

"Cheers," smiled Kisame, relaxing and taking a swallow.

"I spit in that one," Shiko said.

With a purple face, Kisame choked.

"You're a fucking asshole, Shiko-ani," frowned three-year old Keiko, sounding far too much like Sasuke for Kisame's liking. Even if it was adorable.

"Oh hey, this bullet does fit," remarked Shiko, fiddling with the gun and loading it as Kisame struggled to clear his throat.

For the second time that afternoon, Kisame spit tea across the room as he launched himself at Shiko.

When Sakura and her harem of husbands returned that evening, Kisame was asleep on the couch in the family room, television playing a Disney movie softly in the background. His mouth hung open while he drooled, Keiko was tucked into his side sucking her thumb, and the baby was snuggled into his broad chest, snoozing quietly.

Sakura smiled as she approached him, touching his shoulder and speaking his name softly.

Kisame immediately startled awake, a large hand clutching the baby to him securely while the other went around Keiko.

He looked a minute before picking up his phone and punching in a code.

There was a small yelp of pain before Shiko appeared from underneath the pool table, grumbling and glowering at Kisame.

"Three for three," said Kisame proudly.

"Is that a proximity training taser collar?" asked Shisui.

Kisame's eyes slid cautiously towards Madara.

To his relief, the Clan Head was smirking.

"I had a spare," said Kisame with a shrug. "He wasn't fond of the GPS bracelet, so I upgraded him."

Which reminded Kisame; he'd be submitting the pieces to Madara for expenses reimbursement tomorrow.

At the touch on his shoulder again, Kisame looked up at Sakura's happy face.

"Everyone looks healthy and whole. Thank you so much, Kisame. I really appreciated having a day out on my own."

Sakura's smile was relaxed and genuine as she collected the baby from him while Izuna reached down and scooped Keiko up in a smooth, familiar motion. The Uchiha's smile was gentle and adoring as she wrapped her little arms around his neck.

"Upsy daisy," Kisame thought he heard Izuna murmur into Keiko's silky hair.

Really, thought Kisame as he struggled to refrain from making any judgements. This was a 'day out on her own'? Her husbands had probably joined her in the dressing room.

When Sakura leaned down to set her purse on the couch, Kisame noted a line of passion bites down her collarbone and immediately jerked his attention to—

—thankfully, Madara was smirking.

So was Shisui.

Actually, Itachi had a mild blush and a bit of a red mark by his collar, too, and—

Kisame looked away from Izuna and Sasuke, unwilling to think too hard on the hows of their private lives.

Again.

"As long as you had a good time. They were a lot of fun. We had a great tea party, didn't we, Keiko-chan?" he said, trying to earn a few brownie points.

Keiko lifted her head from Izuna's shoulder and smiled widely around her thumb, nodding.

Proud of himself for a job well done, Kisame stood and collected the collar from Shiko, patted the baby on the back, and leaned in so Keiko could give him a goodbye hug. She even gave him a kiss on the nose, which had him chuckling.

"Be a good girl. No more arsenic in the tea until you're older, okay?"

She grinned at him and nodded while Izuna chuckled.

"Good girl," he said with a sharky smile.

"But Shiko-ani is a fucking asshole," she said.

Kisame froze as the room went silent.

On the far side of the room, Itachi sighed in disappointment.

Kisame swallowed, his mouth suddenly cotton-dry.

"Sakura," said Izuna, turning away from Kisame to face his wife. "What have we said about minding your language around the kids?"

Sakura blushed, hiking the baby up a bit higher.

"...It was an accident."

Kisame made his break for freedom while they were distracted—only to be cut off by Itachi as he reached for the door.

"Thank you for looking after the children this evening, Kisame."

"They were a lot of fun," said Kisame, glancing between Itachi and the door. So close.

"It turns out Ino-san will be staying in Konoha longer than originally forecast," continued Itachi.

Shisui swooped up on Kisame's other side. Trapping him.

Kisame's pulse raced.

"Yeah, Sakura's going to need some extra help with the kids over the next week or three while we cart her around shopping," said Shisui.

He clapped Kisame on the shoulder.

"So expect to be called in again," he added with a wink. "The kids already look pretty attached."

He swallowed his sigh.

When Kisame got into his SUV that evening, his head fell back against the headrest with a dull thud.

First, he was getting a prescription for ulcer medication.

Second—he lifted the bits and wires left from the GPS tracking bracelet—he was getting stronger equipment.

Third, he was investing in a poisons identification course. And antidote kit.

Fourth…

He snickered.

Keiko was right.

Shiko was a fucking asshole.

(THE END)