Disclaimer: Why do I do these? Why am I still doing these? Consistency? My God, I think it's consistency. Much like my career here on fanfiction – I JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT.

Hey, hi, how ya doin'. I'm not even going to warn you this time, you clicked – it's your own damn fault; you walked right in on this, I'm just reading you the menu, sir. Anyways, WELCOME. Allow me to strap you in, yup, goes right there, s'posed to be that tight, yup, yup. Don't want you going anywhere until curtain call, now do we? LOL CHICKBEAM NONSENSE I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN ALREADY

I have no idea what I am doing. I wanted to try something I've never done before in this story, and that means it's about to get GAY IN HERE. I've never written a romance quite like this one, and I'm expecting it to be loads of fun. That and this is the first story I'm straight up winging. That's right – no more perfectionist outlining over here, nada. This is an experiment in madness and raw drafting to get me back to a creative mindset. Just you, me, a keyboard, and lots and lots of coffee. And I wanted to try saying fuck. That, too.

But seriously, thank you in bunches and bunches (of bananas), and I hope this one livens up a dull evening for you. Despite my unfiltered sass.

Day the First

Somewhere along the barracks, an ear-piercing alarm shattered the quiet afternoon. Soldiers swarmed the walls and orders were shouted back and forth across the garrison as they assembled to stare out over the ramparts. Citizens in the streets below were screaming in panic and fleeing to their homes. The Captain of the Guard caught himself on the ledge and just spotted them getting away over the outer curtain. He threw his fist down. "Damn!"

The wagon skidded down the stone street, skipping the curb and rocketing into the air. The wheels roughly bounced at the high speed, pounding against the road in reckless frenzy. Those aboard the creaking, wooden death mobile were thoroughly rattled but strangely composed and celebratory. But for one, as usual.

The driver dodged another pedestrian, daring to look back over his shoulder in the fray. "Where's Skye?!"

"The hell should I know?" The brunette answered with a touch of snark, unpinning the hat framing the flawless outline of a well-groomed face. The cart shook at a particularly nasty turn, threatening to fall to splinters. The only one not holding on, the brunette fell face forward and somersaulted into their camping supplies with a crash, nearly hitting the dog. The tumble sent the massive skirts and slips over his head, leaving his bloomers exposed. Struggling up on his elbows with a feather from the hat drooping in front of his nose, he barked over the noise: "Fucking hell! Show a little decorum up there, would you?! Need I remind you, you've got a lady in the back!"

"And your vocabulary is as eloquent as ever, my dear!" A voice above him teased with a chuckle.

"Oh, rag off!" He sputtered. The bull dog now giving him a face full, all tail wagging in excitement, he was forced to sit up against the wall. Allen tossed the dark wig aside, freeing his crimson-colored hair with a snide smirk. He picked himself up with Baron following close behind him and crawled to the bench, clinging to it to keep himself upright rather than risk another nasty fall. He peered out of the curtains flapping madly in the rush of wind to see their pursuers. "How many we got?"

"I can see seven!" Somehow hearing him through the raucous ride, the ginger dressed in his usual poet shirt, trousers, and high boots raised the bow and pulled the string back to his ear. It was a rare moment when his face was perfectly serious. He kept a steady hand and loosed another arrow whizzing through the air, followed by a cry as it made impact with a guard's shoulder just between his armor plates. He smiled victoriously down at his friend with boyish enthusiasm. "Make it six!"

"Still six too many," Klaus grumbled, yanking the reins back with all of his might. The horses whinnied in protest but obeyed and changed direction down a side street, slipping between the stucco buildings. A man threw himself against the wall just in time to clear the way, and a stray cat hissed as it narrowly escaped the wagon's wheel. They clattered onto another busy street, and it took all of Klaus' attention to keep from killing any of the screaming people who were clogging the path like ants before them. "He should be here by now! Are you sure he got out in time?"

"I was lucky to get out in time," Allen admonished his worries with a click of his tongue. "You should be more worried about yourself – he's late, but he always catches up."

"How can he catch up!? Do you see how fast we're—!" Klaus instinctively planted his feet and almost stood as he roughly pulled the team of horses to the left. A woman carrying an ornate vase she had just purchased was nearly roadkill, not paying attention to the thieves zooming her way. She shrieked and fell back into the potter's shop in a dead faint as Klaus got the horses speeding around the sharp right corner of the intersection where more people dove out of the way. He spat dust from his mouth and ran a wrist over his forehead to get the hair out of his eyes. "We have to go back for him!"

"We are not!" Jostled by the commotion, Allen nearly bit his tongue as he argued. He rolled up the sleeves of his gown and heaved a canister of milk over the edge of the cart. He let it go crashing down into the street behind them at the soldiers still in close pursuit, their horses scattering in fear at the rolling tin coming at them that was spilling out onto the street. Allen smugly clapped his hands of his work. "We're not leaving empty-handed, and I'll be damned if I'm caught empty-handed!"

"He said not to!" Rod made the better argument. He narrowly missed an arrow that was shot back at him in return, the pointed head whistling by his ear. He swung out of the way and spun around with his back to the cart, precariously balancing along the side. His frame tensed, but he chuckled at his luck, stringing another arrow and firing back. "Ha! That one just about had my name on it! But Skye said he'd meet up with us – he'll be here!"

"He says lots of things," Klaus griped, shaking his head. They were leaving the most densely populated area of the city, so his obstacles were slimming out but so were his hopes. Allen was right – Skye was always late. But that didn't make him feel any better. He couldn't help but be a worrywart. No one else around him worried enough!

Having had enough of the acrobatics, Rod climbed along the side of the wagon where he was stationed for their defense, scooching along until he was to Klaus. He fell onto the driver's seat beside him, looking back over their shoulders at the soldiers steadily gaining. He looked to Klaus, their de facto leader while they were on their own. There was a concerned stitch in his brow with the wind whipping their hair in all directions. "What do you think? I'm all out of arrows, and time's been short too long. We'll be out of the city proper at the next left. Should we circle back and see if we can shake 'em?"

Now that he was getting his way, Klaus wasn't so sure. Though he wanted to go back for their leader, he had to trust him, too. Skye said to keep moving, so they had little choice. And things would be even stickier if Skye was indeed captured as he feared, and there would be no one to bust him out if they were all arrested. He just had to hope they could still help him in time if it came to the worst, and they'd save his head before the Queen had it.

Luckily, Klaus didn't have to make any big decisions. Literally flying in from out of nowhere, the man of the hour met with them as promised by hurling himself from a rooftop at their passing cart.

Klaus and Rod nearly lost their footing as they leapt in surprise at the roof of the wagon caving in with a mighty crash. Beams of wood and tattered shreds of the back canopy were now cluttering their cargo, and in the dead center was the silver-haired devil himself. And a passenger.

"Skye!" Rod cheered, grinning goofily as he jumped over the back of the seat to meet him. He unabashedly threw his arms around him, so glad was he to see him safe and completely ignoring the stranger with him.

Skye ruffled the boy's hair and threw back his head to the sun above them. Baron greeted him with a slew of barks, whines, and kisses, lucky to have been missed by Skye's crazy entrance. "Woo! I'll be feeling that one tomorrow! How's it going, kid?"

"Not good!" Rod reported, still beaming at him. Now that Skye was here, he was confident the tables had turned in their favor. For being so ridiculously smart on paper, the boy really put too much faith in his heroes. "We've got half the Queen's men on our tail, and our escape plans have changed since they blocked off the north bridge. I suggest we split south if—"

"Where have you been?!" Klaus cut to the chase, taking the left turn to get out of town. With the path all but clear, he turned back to see Skye and spotted the unfamiliar man laying with his hands bound and an unmistakable uniform clothing him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa - we did not talk about hostages!"

"Aw, did you miss me?" Skye winked, quite oblivious to Klaus' anger.

"A hand here?!" Allen yelled for attention, holding up their only flintlock musket to his dressy shoulder, firing its only round and spooking all of the horses with the ringing shot. Still on his knees, he reached back and took one of Skye's similarly fashioned pistols, ducking down for cover and squinting back to return fire.

"Rod – help him out," Skye got back to business and gave him a sound pat on the back, keeping low. He took the disoriented hostage and pulled him out of the way, propping him against what was left of the wall.

"Aye, aye, sir!" Rod saluted, snagging a pistol by the barrel and crouching beside him.

"Skye!"

"Gets the blood pumping, eh?" Skye ignored Klaus behind them, sitting beside their prisoner and beckoning with his chin to the troops. "Ooo, get that third one on the right – the one with the stars. That's brass; he's no joke. Send him home with a scar – that'll get him promoted. You'll make his day."

Before Rod could follow suit, Klaus grabbed him by the scruff of his collar. Rod yelped in surprise and dropped the pistol but allowed Klaus to practically throw him into the driver's seat. He forced the reins into his hands and replaced his spot in the cart. "Rod, you drive! Skye! No hostages!"

"He left me no choice! He was dying to come along," Skye rolled his eyes, still infuriatingly grinning about it all. He wouldn't admit it, but he was quite out of breath from all of his roof hopping aerobics. It would've been the usual if he hadn't had the extra burden of lugging a struggling captive.

Klaus glared hard, a rare thing for him to do despite being almost constantly fed up with Skye's flippant behavior on the daily. The seriousness sparked a sense of recognition in Skye's own eyes. He remained firm, pointing to the young man who was still gagged. "No. Hostages."

"Then what do you propose we do?" Skye challenged, yet his tone was open to suggestions. He explained the situation that led them to this point as Baron tortured the man, licking his face as he tried to wriggle out of the way of the happy bulldog. "He's the reason I got held up. Everything was all well and good and underway, but he complicated things a bit, so I just had to bring him with. Wasted enough time already. I must've dazzled him so much, he just couldn't let me go!"

It was Klaus' turn to roll his eyes. Skye was such a narcissist. Though he began to find it odd how close-lipped the servant was. Despite Baron being all over him and the curses his eyes told he wanted to say, his mouth was sealed. He wasn't gagged at all. He pieced it together. "The jewels…?"

Skye gestured to him with a shrug. "In his mouth."

Klaus rubbed a weary hand over his face, and the wagon shook at another tight turn, their belongings sliding around them. Skye continued to defend his decision to bring him along, at a loss what to do otherwise with Klaus' reaction and telling his story like he was spinning a cheery yarn. "He popped them right in! No hesitation! It's hilarious. How could I see that coming?! One minute I've got them in my sights, and the next thing I know, this guy scampers out of the woodwork—!"

Allen's expression soured, overhearing the debacle. He looked the servant boy up and down. "I'm sure if you beat him enough times, he'll spit 'em out."

A twinge of fear never passed over the serviceman's eerily determined face, but an unsettling thought passed over Klaus instead. He wouldn't allow any casualties, but if the boy swallowed the Queen's jewels they had risked their lives to filch, he wasn't so sure he could convince his comrades out of anything drastic. An idea struck him, and he acted fast. "Don't move!"

Skye heeded Klaus' warning with little concern, watching the handsome servant's face as he in turn watched the eldest of the bunch rush to the front and dug through various cases and sifted through the little vials within them. His eyes reconnected with Skye's as the thief moved to squat in front of him, and his glare hardened again. Skye smiled, his eyes creasing in genuine amusement. Like a pompous cat observing a cornered mouse. His expression became more wide-eyed curious as he honed in on the younger man and put a finger to his tan chin, turning him to the light. "Huh… You're pretty enough to be a girl."

The action was quick – the servant propelled himself forward and head-butted Skye right in the face. Skye reeled at the impact, falling backwards onto his ass and touching a hand to his bloodied lip as he laughed. "Whoa, shiiiit! Ahahaha, I asked for that one, didn't I?"

Klaus came back over, shoving Skye further over with a palm to his face and a muttered: "Moron," as Skye continued to inquiringly dab at the crack in his lip. The servant kicked at Klaus, but he easily restrained him, planting his knee on his thigh and pinning him. With his hands full restraining him, Klaus opened the glass vial in his hand with his teeth, spitting the cork away. He forced the vial under the servant's nose. His eyes watered at the smell, and he began to cough. He coughed hard enough that he gagged on the object in his mouth, and he was forced to spit it out or choke.

"Good work, Klaus! Mine!" Skye praised, picking up the necklace without a moment's hesitation at the saliva still being stuck to it. He snatched it like a greedy raccoon. He stood and held it up to the light, twirling it in the sunbeams that glinted in beautiful sparkles off of it. "Now that's what I call spit-shined."

The roads were getting bumpier as they left the last store behind them and began to pass low class village houses. Dust kicked into the air below the horses' hooves, stinging their eyes and creating a haze for the Queen's men to squint through in their wake.

Tears in his eyes from the potent salts forced upon him and at his failure to protect Her Majesty's most prized possession, the servant spat at Skye's feet for good measure, still twisting his raw wrists in a futile attempt to free himself from the ropes that bound him. He glowered through pearl white strands of disheveled hair at Skye towering above him with disgust. "You have no honor!"

Skye was bemused by the accusation. He dangled the necklace down before the servant's nose, taunting him. "Haven't you heard? There's no honor among thieves!"

"That means something else entirely!" Klaus scolded him, smacking Skye upside the head for him to cut the crap. Skye might've had the moves, but he certainly wasn't the brains of their outfit. Klaus pointed at the servant as Skye now rubbed the sore spot on his head. "Now what do we do with him, genius?"

"Toss him off!" Allen shouted, fear finally gripping him as a lone rider amongst the chase emerged to the front. It was the Captain. Allen nearly grabbed Baron in his panic but swiped up a plank from the remains of the roof, chucking it into the path. The rider expertly steered his horse towards it, and the animal leapt over it with ease. Allen turned to those in the wagon. "We're screwed if we don't lose some weight."

"That would kill him!" Klaus said, putting himself between his friends and the servant out of instinct. He lacked urgency or surprise though, sounding more like an exasperated parent reproaching their children for saying a dirty word.

"Make up your minds! The forest's ahead!" Rod called back to them. They could all see the last bridge coming up fast.

"Hm…" Skye deliberated. He hummed a bit before making up his mind. He sighed, throwing up his hands in phony vexation. "I just can't kill a pretty face. It's your lucky day! What's your name, kid?"

When all three in back looked at him, the servant felt compelled to answer. This introduction had taken him off guard, and he appeared more shy. His voice was small and uncertain. "Sanjay…?"

Skye nodded to Klaus, and the two unsteadily brought Sanjay to his feet with them. His heart was racing as they led him to the edge of the cart, forcing him to look down at the ground flying by underneath them. They had a firm grip on both of his arms, and even though Klaus finally severed his bonds, he wasn't a good fighter – he wouldn't be able to take them.

"You guys…!" Allen warned, the Captain of the Guard now close enough that he could see his mismatched eyes glint with a sheen of vengeance.

"Well, Sanjay, thanks for travelling with us. It's been delightful. I'll look you up if I'm ever in the area. Hup!" Skye signaled and lifted.

With Klaus' combined strength, they hoisted the boy up clear off of his feet and horizontal, throwing him over the side as the bridge sped by. Sanjay yelled and flailed his arms, but he had the good sense to hold his breath in time as he made impact with the dirty river water. He came up sputtering, a little shaken from his encounter with the bandits but sufficiently safe.

Skye had his hands proudly on his hips, looking back at the drenched servant emerging on the surface and coughing. "There, ya happy? Everyone's in one piece!"

Klaus just quietly shook his head, but there was no mistaking the relief in his features. The two shared a meaningful glance before Skye's eyes went wide, and he tackled Klaus to the floor in the nick of time as a sword swiped out at their necks.

He looked up at the cloud-spotted sky from his back where he landed beside his dark-haired friend. Skye was still reeling from the close call, so he didn't dare lift his head, but he shouted at the man still wearing a garden party dress. "Whoa, Allen, weren't you on that?! Nearly nicked us there."

Allen was plastered to the floor as well, hands over his head to take shelter. His tone was defensive and quite put out. "I ran out of bullets! I can't fire magic at him!"

"No, that would just be ridiculous," Skye had to agree with a hum of thought at the image.

The Captain caught up with Rod up front. With one hand, Rod held tight the reins and with his other, he threw what was within reach to defend himself. Baron barked and growled as Rod flung anything and everything they had. After the kettle came the tarp, the switch, and a tent stake. Klaus only complained when one of his black cases sailed at the Captain and missed, tumbling to the grassy roadside and spilling everywhere.

"My potions!" Klaus wailed, leaning out and looking after them until they disappeared. "Those took months!"

"Now, Rod, that was just insensitive," Skye reprimanded, reloading one of his pistols as quick as he could, ramming the paper down the hot barrel. Allen was trying to help by throwing more junk over the side, but he was being choosey before touching the wood splinters.

"My sincerest apologies, Klaus!" Rod said, only half-focused as the Captain overtook them and rode alongside their horses.

Allen threw the last unessential item and pulled Baron towards him to get him from jumping up to Rod. He nodded his chin towards the Captain pulling ahead, his horse's nostrils flared as it surpassed their own team of two. "What's he doing?!"

Skye finished loading his pistol, but it was too late. He aimed at the Captain, but he watched as the imperial guard brought his arm down. A dead end into a ravine was just ahead. "Uh-oh."

Rod closed his eyes and flinched. With a great clang, the Captain struck the brittle chain with his sword and sent the horses separate from the wagon. The animals were booking it as they veered away from the chaos, following the dirt road into the valley. They rapidly lost momentum without their horses, but it wasn't nearly enough to make their meeting with the cliff any less inevitable. It was painfully aware the Captain was going to take them dead or alive as he lingered back, tugging on the reins of his own steed and coming to a stop to wait out their demise as they left the dirt road.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Skye started throwing their most important valuables into Klaus' and Allen's arms as their cart kicked up turf. He put the Queen's gaudy necklace worth a kingdom around his own neck and floundered, feeling around like a blind man in the dark. He looked up. "Rod! Arrow!"

"I ran out back in the city!" Rod spun around, now not needing to steer as they were totally out of control. He jumped down and squatted before Skye, seeing him work and quickly helping him tie a length of rope around a long plank.

"The hell are we going to do?! That necklace isn't worth anything in our cold, dead hands!" Allen said, eyes flying back and forth to try to understand what the two fastest thinkers were scheming and how to make himself useful. At the moment, he was given dog duty, holding Baron who was squirming to get loose. Allen seemed to be completely unaware of how ridiculous he looked still fully clothed in his disguise, the fake breasts lopsided out of his corset.

Skye was furiously going through his bullshit strategy in his mind, hoping he wasn't forgetting anything. Rod was tying fast, precise knots to wrap around the crew, and it made him glad someone else was on his wavelength – he'd need it for this to work. The gap was a breath away, so Skye had to act lightning fast, remembering that the Captain had a bow strapped to his saddle.

The thief stood despite Klaus pulling on his pant leg to try to yank him back down for cover. Skye bowed and waved, presenting the glimmering jewels about his neck that felt rather like a noose at this point. "Thank you for your assistance with our getaway! This will be the last you ever see of Skye the Phan—"

He didn't get to finish his little sham before the arrow he so wanted was coming at him. The Captain poised at the ready for the open target, taking it for his insolence. Skye hoped it would lob, but the projectile came in fast. Still, he nabbed it like a golden retriever, spinning around on his heel at the catch that left a streak of shimmering red across his palm and threw him down to the floor.

"I actually did it! Hahaha! Holy shit, that hurt!" He laughed in disbelief as he blew the hair from his eyes and marveled at the arrow in his bloody fist. They went over the side, and he saluted the Captain in thanks as they disappeared.

"Skyyyyye!" Was all Allen could scream, leaving the curses to follow dying on his tongue as they felt the weightlessness of the free fall, their stomachs feeling like they were in their throats. Their ears rang in the silence but for the wind ripping past them as they were pulled by gravity.

Skye tossed the arrow to Rod who was already poising his bow. He messily noked it and aimed, shooting the arrow that was now tied to their life-saving rope. It connected with the soft earth of the topsoil above them and dragged along the ground as it made them brake. The rope shared between them snapped impossibly tight, smashing them all together as the wagon fell to the canopy of trees in the ravine far below them. The cart smashed through the branches, dicing into pieces like waves on the shore.

They had an uneasy breath in their painful suspension until the arrow snapped, and they were hurtling back down. The beam they were tied to above them bumped along the cliff and caught rocks and then the tops of trees, making their fall preciously slower as it jerked them towards the ground. The plank landed sideways along a pair of broken branches in a pine, a good twenty or so feet in the air, and the boys seemed to finally stop with a sudden lurch.

Pine needles in their hair and scrapes all along their arms and legs and faces, the guys were miraculously alive after their drop. They were all still tied uncomfortably close but for Rod who managed to be dangling further down the rope, his feet kicking merrily as he hung upside down by his waist. He was somehow still very perky as he clapped his heels together with the blood rushing to his head. "Yay! We did it! I knew Skye could save us!"

"I… I'm…" Allen couldn't find words, hanging by Skye's ankle and feeling rather moodily violated as Rod stared up his skirt. He pursed his lips, and the shock of their situation dimmed considerably. Baron was still in his arms, hanging quite limply as his temper had cooled after the piss was scared out of him. Allen stared upwards. "I can't believe that worked. Uh… nice shot, Rod."

Klaus couldn't help but swell with pride for his childhood friend. They had been through thick and thin, and they had always gotten out of it by the wave of good fortune Skye seemed to be perpetually riding. He was reckless, and he was a fool. But he was a damn good leader. "Well! It's not going to be easy getting down from here, so we'll have to celebrate later. Those merchants on the cape aren't going to stand around waiting for those jewels, so we'd best be on our – what are you doing?!"

All heads turned up to see Skye with his pocket dagger steadily sawing at the line over his head. Klaus yelled, Allen kicked, and Rod advised the angle of their descent would most certainly cause at least a concussion, but Skye went unhindered until the rope broke free of their weight, and they fell the remaining distance to the forest floor, screaming profanities to their leader's name all the way.