Disclaimer: I don't own The Loud House!

Title: Family Tradition

Summary: Today is Lily's birthday! Too bad Lincoln and his sisters forgot to get her a present. And a cake. And a card. The mad dash begins.

...

Lincoln Loud seemed rather pleased to enter the confining room he called his own, stepping aside and taking half the spare room immediately. It was big enough for a boy of eleven, certainly, but it remained to be seen how puberty would affect that. Perhaps he'll have to turn the whole room into bedspace.

The boy in question was spattered with milk and half-soggy cheerios after a failed attempt at family breakfast. He let out a disgusted moan and pulled his shirt off, cleaning his face of the sticky substance. Lincoln opened one of the tiny drawers on his dresser, grabbing another shirt to pull on. It looked more or less like the last one, sans breakfast. He took a final once-over to make sure he hadn't missed anything, spotted the omniscient presence that tended to reside behind his bed and against the wall, and leaned on the covers, speaking to it as though it were a member of the family.

"Sundays are a bit of a mixed bag around here, if you couldn't already tell. On one hand, it's a day without school, and there's nothing not to like about that. But it's also right before the school week starts, which can only mean one thing; homework!" He shuddered. "In a family of eleven kids, most of which are in school, that's a lot of paper."

Lincoln bent down to ruck through his bag, retrieving some mismatched papers. A quick glance into the backpack revealed a sea of loose and useless papers; worksheets, study quizzes, field trip permission slips.

"Huh." He said. "I could've sworn I put my math book in there."

Perhaps he might've dug further, but a familiar voice called his name. Sighing, he tapped the papers on the dresser to straighten them out, set them down, and made his way back into the hall. The top floor was as quiet as it ever got in the wake of due dates and vying for extra credit. Music leaked into the walkway at a slightly less ear-shattering level than normal, and Lincoln could barely make out his sister laughing along to one of her favorite comedians while she worked. There was yelling coming out of the twins' room; must be a disagreement over an answer. A ball thudded against a wall rhythmically. The phone was in use in another. The only room that was open was Lisa's.

Lincoln stepped into the doorway. "You called?"

His little sister was a mite bit off to him. Maybe it was because he was used to yelling, whereas Lisa preferred a calm, flatter tone. She was bent over his chemical set, no doubt making greater discoveries in idle than he would his entire life.

"This experiment could potentially be off-putting for infants." She said, back facing him. Lisa whipped a thumb towards the crib. "I require that she be taken somewhere else."

"Oh." Mildly disgruntled, he gingerly lifted the giggling baby out, blanket draping across his shoulder should she get cold or need a nap. "Don't worry, Lily. I'll teach you how to add and subtract while Lisa's busy."

"Don't strain anything." She called after him. Lincoln stuck his tongue out.

He tightly shut the door behind him, then poked Lily's nose in a loving gesture that made her laugh. "Snack time!" Then, as if just noticing the presence from the bedroom had followed, he jumped and gave it a guilty look. "Alright, so I haven't gotten to work yet. But a full belly is a full mind, am I right?"

The stairs creaked as he lowered himself down, but it was almost impossible that anyone heard. He wondered if this was how Lucy felt when she snuck up behind someone- free and stealthy- but he doubted she used stairs. Maybe the railing. Or dark forces.

"Hey, mom." Lincoln carefully kept his distance as his mother bustled about the kitchen. "You doin' okay?"

"Of course, honey. Here's something for Lily."

He took the food and set her in her baby chair, tying her favorite bib on. "Alright, sis. Food for your belly."

Rita sighed with delight as she watched the exchange. "Oh, it's crazy how fast you kids are shooting up. Lori's almost old enough to move away, and even Lily is two now! Makes my heart swell."

Lincoln froze. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Today's Lily's birthday, right?"

"Of course. Don't tell me you forgot. You kids swore you'd make the cake, write the card, buy the present-"

"Uh, I'll be right back." He interjected, standing up. His features were wooden with panic. "Bathroom."

Lincoln thinks he might have left a cloud of dust behind him. Upstairs again, the boy began to placate himself, thrusting his hands out in front of him. "Relax, Lincoln. Surely at least one of the girls remembered. It's her birthday, for cryin' out loud."

He did the smart thing; he went to Lori. As oldest, as well as one of the most tech-savy, no doubt she would have a reminder somewhere.

She opened the door with all the gracefulness of a bull stamping its' hoof before charging. "What, dork?"

"You don't happen to have a gift to give Lily, do you?"

"...Today's her birthday, isn't it?"

"Yup."

She slapped a hand to her face, eyes squeezing shut with shame and embarrassment. "Shoot."

"You forgot?"

"Oh, like you didn't?"

"I'm not the oldest!"

"Calm down, fussy britches." She waved him off, a determined look on her face. "I'll call a meeting."

Lincoln crams himself onto the floor beside the twins, itching to pace but already told off for doing so. Leni and Lynn perched on the bed across from them, Lynn bouncing a ball and Leni chattering. Luna strummed a song with no tune while Lucy sat next to her, legs dangling off the bed. They just barely missed Lana's hat. Luan was speaking to Lori.

"Do I get anything to read? A real page-turner?"

"No, no. Just sit down." Lori pointed her to the floor next to Leni. "Anybody seen Lisa?"

"She told me she was mid-experiment this morning." Lincoln offered.

"Ugh, fine. We'll just start without her." Lori retrieved her shoe from her foot and slapped it on the table, creating a satisfying crack noise. "Let's get to business. Does anybody know what day it is?"

"Sunday." Lucy said.

"No. Well, yes, but not my point. For those of us about to panic, it's Lily's birthday."

A hush fell. Everyone stared at each other, silently accusing, demanding to know who didn't glance at a calendar when they got out of bed.

"Dude." Luna whispered finally. "We're so screwed."

"We're not screwed. We have the entire day to fix this. Lily and mom are out for an appointment, and dad's at work, so the house is our's. We gotta make this work."

"Yeah, team! Pull it together!"

"Sports euphemisms aside- looking at you, Lynn- we need to get started. Lincoln, you've got the prettiest handwriting here. You make the card."

"Hey!" He spluttered, a few laughs bursting free from his siblings. "Leni's handwriting is way prettier than mine."

"Alright, lemme rephrase that. Lincoln, you've got the prettiest handwriting out of the people I trust to finish a task without getting distracted. You're on card duty."

Lincoln crossed his arms in a pout. "Fine."

Lori nodded smugly to herself, then went back to business. "Luna, you're on music. Make a cooler, less copyrighted happy birthday song."

"Gotcha, sis." Luna flashed her a thumbs up and got to strumming.

"Leni, you set the table. Lynn, you help her."

"Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Lana thrust her hands in the air. "Can I bake the cake?"

"No. You're way too young to operate an oven. Besides, you don't know how to bake."

Lana put her hand down, disheartened, while her sister gave a disgusted scoff and put her hands on her hips. "We do too know how to bake." She snapped. "We make scones for my tea parties all the time!"

"I don't." Lana reminded her. "Scones are gross."

"Oh, it's easy. I could teach a dog to do it."

"Easy Cook Ovens aren't quite like the real thing, girls." Lori slapped the desk for silence. "Fine, whatever, but I'm supervising."

"Give them the fun job, huh?"

"Lincoln, shut it. Luan, I'm giving you the monumental task of the present. No joke books or ventriloquist dummies."

"Of course. I wouldn't want my delivery to be wooden!" She waved it off. "Get it?"

"Ugh." The room almost seemed to shake with the word.

"Alright, people." Lori regained their attention with a simple flick of the wrist. "This has to be done by 17:00 hours. No slacking on the ball, or you're gonna have to deal with me. Now, dismissed!"

It's hard to say who made it out the door first. Lynn had speed on her side, but neither of the twins is against shoving and crawling to get what they want. Lincoln is caught near the end; pummeled by elbows and legs and the mild suffocation of too many people in one space. Once he wrenches free the floor has become a quickly heating battlefield. Everyone is yelling and running around. Items are being chucked to and fro. Lincoln thinks someone may have ducked into the bathroom to write their last will.

Thankfully, this sort of thing is where a Loud child feels most at home. Lincoln easily bounds toward his room at the other end of the hall, dodging Lola's princess car loaded with random goods and swerving around Luna looking for her missing pick. His door swung open just as violently as it's slammed shut. He leaned against it and fought to catch his breath.

He perked up, catching eye of the omniscient presence around his bed. "Still here, huh? If you couldn't tell, birthday's aren't usually a big deal in our house. I mean, with eleven of us, it's usually impossible to keep track. In spite of this, we've always tried to celebrate the youngest of us. And I know what you're thinking; 'Lincoln, if this is such an important thing, how could you forget?' Well, most of us don't really remember our parties. With one year separating a good portion of us, it's not exactly a long-term thing. Lisa got the most out of the clause, but you can only take so many explosions to the brain before you start to forget your childhood innocence."

As Lincoln spoke he dipped down into his bag for a crumpled piece of construction paper and a pen, gesturing when needed. "Ah, here we go. For all my complaining, I got the best job out of the bunch. This way, I don't have to fight my way through the fray." He plunked down in his seat and began to chew on the bit of plastic that, when clicked, let the tip free from its' confines. "Now, I should probably use cursive for this, but what to say, what to-"

"Lincoln."

"AHHH!" Lincoln felt his soul leave his body as he jumped up to meet it, bones and organs giving an unpleasant jerk. He fell back down into his chair, arms smacking the back while his legs hit the desk. "Ow! Lucy?"

"Who else?" She asked with the voice of someone grieving a dead pet.

"Shouldn't you be doing your job? Wait." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, eyes squinting. "Did Lori even give you a job?"

"Sigh. No."

"Oh. Well, maybe she wanted you to help wherever you could?"

"Don't sugarcoat, Lincoln. She forgot about me." The dark-haired girl chided him somberly. "Can I help with the card?"

"I dunno, Lucy. It... really doesn't seem like your style."

"I'm a poet. I write poetry."

"Exactly." He untangled himself from the chair, pushing it in with a nod. "Your type of writing doesn't fit happy-go-lucky birthday cards."

"I've written happy-go-lucky before. I wrote Bobby and Lori's anniversary poem, remember?"

"Yeah, 'cause you had to. Do you want to?"

Lucy paused. "No."

"Then we'll find you something else. I know!" He put his hands on her shoulders. "Let's go see how the cake is doing. Baking is basically incinerating food, right? You oughta like that."

"...Can I put bat sprinkles on it?"

"Only on the slice you're gonna eat." He agreed, herding her out the door.

The hall was still very much a mad house. The twins had disappeared, but shrieking from Lori and Leni's room about what to wear could be heard deep into the basement.

"It's a birthday party, not a modeling show!" Luan cried.

"But it's gotta be perfect!" Leni wailed, clutching a sweater to her front.

"That's it! I'm getting a divorce!"

Farther up Luna was banging random instruments, finding the one she thought fit best. The attic door hung open, and Lisa could be heard muttering inside.

"Getting through that will take too long." Lucy sighed, grabbing his hand. "Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Just do it."

Baffled, Lincoln tightly squeezed his eyelids shut, knowing that Lucy's next coffin would be his size if he was caught peeking. He felt her move back towards his room.

"Lucy?"

She let go. "You can open them now."

He did so. They were at the bottom of the stairs. "Whoa! Did we just teleport?"

"I'll leave that up to you." She droned, but there was a little smile on her face.

Lincoln and Lucy strolled into the kitchen to find a mess of greater quality than upstairs. Batter coated every surface. Appliances littered the floor. It was like a sticky bomb had gone off, with Lana and Lola in the middle playing a loud game of tug-of-war. Lola's pink dress was clean of even a speck, while Lana was covered.

"Seriously!?"

They broke apart with a growl, pointing at each other. "Her fault!" They both cried.

"Guys, this isn't about petty rivalries!" Lincoln argued. "This is about Lily!"

"We're trying to make Lily the best cake ever!" Lola crossed her arms defensively. "But someone thinks that chocolate is a decent flavor."

"Pfffbt." Lana copied her body posture, tongue sticking out. "Who thinks vanilla is the best flavor of anything?"

"I do, because it is the best."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Guys!"

"I like strawberry."

The whole kitchen froze. Three pairs of eyes swiveled in Lucy's direction.

"What?"

"Traitor!" Lana screeched, pointing an accusing finger.

"Get the blasphemer!" Lola agreed.

Lucy passively allowed herself to be pulled into the fray, punching and pushing where she could. Lincoln caught the odd deadpan, "Ow."

"There's no time for this!" Lincoln moaned, exiting the kitchen with a disgusted air. He caught Luan halfway out the door and felt his spirits rise. "Luan! Can you pick up a cake while you're out?"

"Things went sour already?" She hummed, eyes glittering with glee. "Sure! It'll be a piece of cake!"

"Ugh. That's, like, the easiest one in the book."

"Didn't really have time to patch up my act this morning." Luan shrugged apologetically. "An old slice just needs a bit of love anyway, am I right?"

"Just get going." He waved her away like one does a fly. Luan giggled and left for the dollar store at a jog. That settled, Lincoln returned to his quarters, writing a quick but emotional note and folding the paper over. Next came the tricky-part; signing it.

He sighed and turned one last time to the presence. "Wish me luck."

First came Leni, who gleefully chattered on as she wrote her name in cursive. Luna had to be dissuaded not to use her guitar as a pencil, unthinkingly lifting it up as he came by. Her's was neither fancy nor sloppy; swirly but in a 'that's cool right' sort of way. Luan would have to wait. Lynn has block handwriting, while Lori was slapdash and big. Lucy drew a grave next to her own, while Lola signed for Lana, who was still covered in gunk.

"Wait. Why can you copy each other's handwriting?"

"Lincoln, how do you think we pass our classes? Studying?" Lola barked out a laugh. "Now get going."

Lisa glared at him as he ascended into the attic, but begrudgingly titled it with a scrawl that was barely legible. That was Lisa for you; smarter than a whip, but terrible at penmanship.

Luan, laden with an angel food cake and balloons, wrote a bit of pun-filled dialogue and signed with a cackle. Lori called him for final touch-ups and he scrambled to keep up. Not long after the final napkin was set the door opened, bringing with it both of the parental units as well as Lily.

"SURPRISE!" They all cheer. Their mother's hands went up to clap.

"Oh, this is perfect. Thanks, kids."

"Of course." Lincoln dropped into a bow. "Now, let's set the guest of honor at the head of the table."

Even with extra chairs, the adult table is still too small to contain them all. Luna and Luan both stand, guitar and joke book ready for the festivities, while Lucy lurked in the corner, blatantly ignoring the twins.

"So, do we start with dinner and then cake?" Lori put in. She sat dutifully by their side, while Lincoln felt crammed near the middle. Typical.

"I thought we'd go for the present first." Rita replied cheerfully. "Where is it?"

The table fell silent. Nine pairs of eyes turned to Luan, who gestured frantically to the cake behind their backs. She'd been so engrossed with getting the best cake she'd forgotten the gift. Lincoln felt his entire face sink. He looked frantically to Leni, who was humming as she examined her nails.

"What?" She said, brow furrowed.

"Did you kids forget the present?" Lynn Sr. asked, hands on his hips.

"We couldn't have forgotten the present." Leni responds. "'Cause, like, we're in the present. Right now."

"Leni, honey, that doesn't count."

"I was going for philosophical."

"I don't think that counts for philosophy, either." She rounded on the remaining children. "Well? Did you?"

Lincoln began to wonder who would spill the beans. The twins hated being the one to tattletale to the 'rents, while Lucy hated disappointing someone even more. He prayed she wouldn't cry. Lynn wanted to go to the game this weekend, and there was even less of a chance if she opened her mouth now. Lori looked caught with indecision, chewing on her lip.

"Of course not." A voice, flecked with spittle, replied, setting a gift-wrapped box on the table with tiny hands. "That would be rude."

"Huh?" Lincoln leaned back in his chair to see better. "Lisa?"

His second-youngest sister turned to him with a deadpan frown. "What did you think I was doing all day? Making a study out of dust bunnies?"

Fair enough. Looking back, Lincoln had yet to hear any chemical explosions that day, which would explain why something felt off during their stampede.

"I just realized." Rita jumped to her feet. "We have to start dinner, or it'll be midnight before we eat."

"Oh, crud." Lynn Sr. returned, following suit. "I told you we should've just gotten takeout."

Lisa hopped onto the empty chair to better center the box, gently batting a small hand away. "Not yet, Lily."

"You remembered?" Lori demanded, red in the face with rage and a bit of humiliation.

"Uh, duh?" She turned to her. "Didn't you?"

Lincoln found himself staring at the table. They all shuffled their feet and rumbled indecisive answers.

"Typical." She told the omniscient presence.

"Hey!" Lincoln cried, feeling slightly possessive. The omniscient presence was his to speak to, dangit. It was his duty to guide it and he took that job seriously.

"I forgot I'm working with the lowest common denominator." Lisa returned primly. "No matter."

"Wait." Lori placed a hand over the box as if to contain what was inside. "Is it safe?"

"It's a phosphorescent wool-cover."

"Huh?"

"A glow-in-the-dark blankie. Perfectly safe."

They all relaxed in their seats. Lily let out a happy noise and clapped her hands.

"Speaking of forgetting." Lisa finished, solemnly playing pattycake with the baby. "I'm not doing your homework."

Lincoln felt his heart stop. The day was almost gone, and none of them had finished their assignments. Heads hit tables. Lucy seemed to require Luna's side to stay standing. Luan's eyes seemed wider than any owl's. Lily giggled again.

"Indeed." She told the baby.

Author's Note: I just used nine pages of paper on a cute birthday 'fic. Wow. Yes, Lisa spent the whole day basically fiddling with things while chaos went on around him.

-Mandaree1