A/N: ANOTHER FAIRY TAIL REQUEST ALREADY?! Jeez I'm too nice for my own good sometimes, but that's just who I am =D

Also!

You guys can expect a reboot for Dawn of Thunder, soon. Because that fic sorely needs one at this point. I am NOT discontinuing it. I am, however, going back and rewriting portions of it, since canon ZEREF apparently decided to give my story a good hard slap to the face.

The request-giver for THIS new fic asked to remain anonymous, but spoke to me of a dragon I wasn't terribly familiar with. I've also been asked to take a few liberties in that regard to him. Who, you ask? Acnologia? No, that's been done. Igneel? NOPE! An original dragon? NYET. The request was for...

...Zirconis.

A perverted Dragon of Jade.

His magic is...well, amusing to say the least, if you know what I mean. I had a good laugh after seeing it. They asked me to write a story in which he survived Acnologia's wrath. A tale in which he went into hiding. A tale in which he took on an apprentice. Now, I remind you that while he might not be particularly powerful of dragons, he's a right clever old sod and still tough. Add to that the raw potential for what the request giver asked, and well...I GOT FIRED UP!

See where I'm going with this, hmm?

Power ain't everything, folks.

Its how you use it!

Let the a universe of perverted madness arise!

Let slip the dogs of insanity and silliness!

Let the chaos reign!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

"Over 400 years ago...dragons were the Kings of this world, freely soaring the skies.

Dominating the lands, crossing the seas.

We led a prosperous life.

Everything in the world, belonged to US."

~Zirconis.

The Art of Ero

At long last, the sealing had been completed.

Minato gazed down at the wailing newborn in his arms and silently lamented what he'd done. What he'd been forced to do. Naruto, his child-his heir!-bawled long and loud to the heavens, and the kage couldn't help but to wonder if the boy was even desparing his fate. Perhaps he was. Even as he fought to keep the smile on his face he felt himself slipping, his spirit seeping out of his body as the Death God extracted its toll for the price of his heroism. He longed to say something to his son-anything-to comfort him somehow, but the words refused to come. For all his will and might, he simply couldn't stave off any longer.

He could only smile.

His wife Kushina lay in front of him, as they both had been pierced in the stomach protecting their son from one of the Kyuubi's claws. Even now she shed tears for their progeny, his name stitched ever-so-lovingly into the blankets covering him. He was warm. He was safe. Their chakra was there, inside him, to correct the seal should it ever fail. Minato took heart in that. In a sense, they were still with him. Still there. Still watching over him.

They coud not however, stifle his cries.

For all his resolve, he couldn't help but feel guilty at what he had done to his baby boy. He'd denied him a life of normalcy. No one would look at him the same after this night. He knew some people may dislike him, but he wanted to believe they would see him as the little hero he was. He had to. He must. To think otherwise was to die with regret and that was something he dare not do. In a sense, he'd taken two birds with a single stone by turning his son into a Jinchuuriki; he protected his village with one hand and gave his son a power to help fight against the masked man that had wrought this horrible fate with another-

Then, something strange occurred.

Perhaps it was some side effect of the seal gone wrong, or some other eldritch effect he didn't understand.

Whatever the case, it simply...happened.

Naruto, poor, little Naruto who'd been forced to bear a burden no one should, suddenly found himself surrounded by a strange, swirling vortex. Minato scarcely had time to see it before the bawling babe disappeared. Pop. Vanished, his mewling cries echoing away on the wind. Just like that. There was no warning-no precedent-no explanation for this sudden phenomenon. His son, and the blankets swadling him on the altar, were suddenly gone in a burst of golden energy, leaving nothing but empty air and distant sound behind. Then, not even that.

Minato's final thought was one of sheer incredulity.

'Okay. That...is...bullshit...!'

The Shinigami claimed him and Kushina a heartbeat later, their expressions frozen in disebelief as their bodies fell lifeless and listless; their souls going to the shinigami before they so much as struck the ground. Their last breath was their son's name.

They would never see him again.

From his perch in the treeline, Obito stifled a furious shout.

Damnitall!

His lone arm clenched and unclenched, fingers knotting against his palm with enough force to draw blood beneath the glove. It had all gone wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong wrongwrongwrongwrong! He wanted to shout; to spit and snarl shriek and scream, but he held his silence. Something had gone wrong. Someone-something!-had interfered with him! He'd heard a woman's voice, a cheeky, "Ohhh, I don't think so!" whispered in his ear-and then everything had been taken from him, his plot dismantled at the very last instant.

AGAIN!

Having made one last, desperate attempt to take the Kyuubi-rather, the host-he knew the fault lay with him, regardless of the unexpected interference. Furious with his old teacher, he had tried to grab the boy with his dojutsu and failed; his injuries and the outside intervention proving too much for him to properly grab hold of the whelp for anything more than a split second. Spirits, he didn't even know where he was. He wasn't even entirely certain what'd happened. And if his mistake had somehow meddled with the seal, bungled it, somehow...released that energy...

Who knew where the boy might end up?

The Kyuubi yowled at its new confines and slammed against its cage in anger. It too realized that something was wrong, and with every fiber of its being it fought to escape the strange fate befalling it. Jaws snapped at the bars of its cage, claws clanking harshly, but to no avail.

It suddenly felt its power being drained, just as its Yin half had been. But this was no mere sapping of its strength. And it did not cease.

"NO!" it roared as its chakra was ripped from it, its body becoming little mor than a shriveled version of itself.

Upon the lock of the cage, the piece of paper with the kanji for seal on it flew off and a spiral lock replaced it, closing tightly.

The large mass of chakra flew through the tiny boy's body and lit it a shining golden white.

Then it was flung...

...somewhere else.

(...In Another Realm Entirely...)

Zirconis was bored.

Scratch that, he was far beyond the concept of mere boredom and descending well past into the realm of outright apathy. With each passing moment he felt his scales itch in agitation, bristling with anger and agitation, the latter of which he could do nothing about. This was nothing new of course. He'd lived in this valley for years, memorized its every nook and cranny. He'd never once raised his wings to fly since settling here. By now the lull had lengthened so long that the great Jade Dragon actually caught himself considering leaving his sanctuary altogether, if only to assuage the gnawing ache growing within his very soul.

Even if it meant death.

Venturing out of his carefully constructed hideaway meant almost certain doom; because Acnologia was out there. Somewhere in the world even now-searching for him. Ready to tear his soul out and swallow it whole. To end what he'd begun during their first battle so long ago. The very thought of it made the ancient dragon shudder. Cunning was his forte, not strength, and he did not relish the thought of facing the accursed creature again. It would take more than one dragon to best that monster. One would need an army. He wanted to believe that was safe here, in this era, his great magicks concealed by the natural protections of this valley. Secure. Surely that crazy bastard couldn't get him here.

But safety was so very boring.

There.

Was.

Nothing.

To.

DO!

As much as Zirconis was loathe to admit it-especially to himself-his life had fallen into a routine over these years. Eat. Sleep. Stretch. Repeat. A neverending cycle broken by fleeting moments of introspection and the occasional fit of whimsy. He'd even taken to scribbling in the dirt. HIM! A dragon! Scratching nonsensical babbles in the dust to amuse himself like some...wine-adled buffoon! All because of that wretched upstart! He couldn't even hunt humans anymore without fear of being discovered! And the females were so delicious, too, especially once he'd stripped their clothes away!

Of course, if he discarded this great form and disguised himself as a human, he'd be able to have as many women as he saw fit-

No!

Absolutely not!

He refused to stoop to that!

To shed his scales and assume flesh was so...so...repulsive!

Zirconis clicked his teeth at the thought, a thin plume of smoke escaping his jaws.

"Just what am I doing here?" he growled, the sound like twin boulders grinding together. "What am I waiting for?"

He still didn't have the answer.

When one lived in the mountains, isolated from all else one swiftly learned to adapt. It was either live life of solitude or have his very soul ripped out of his body by that madman. Zirconis was rather fond of his body. He was a pervert and proud of it; just as he relished every scale on his hide, every scar a testament to his strength and cunning.

Proof of his superiority, in fact!

He took great pride in his flat skull and mighty jaws. His ears could hear the beating of wings leagues distant. With mighty four-fingered talons he could rend apart any who dared to oppose him. Or his thick taile, strong enough to level mountains. But it was his wings in which he took the most pride of all, for they served as a constant reminder that he was superior to all mankind, and high even among dragons. Between said wings lay a row of spikes travelling down his spine and well towards his deeply-scarred gut.

He'd been luckier than most.

While he might not be the most powerful of dragons, he was by far the most clever.

But all the wit in the past or future wouldn't save him if Acnologia got ahold of him again.

He'd been fortunate enough to escape that first time, but should there ever be a second, he would undoubtedly-

Just thinking of it made the old wounds ache. Those old, deep gouges etched into his hide by and from his short-lived battle with the so-called Dragon King. Some might consider them the signs of a coward, but Zirconis knew them for fools. These were the marks of a survivor, and he intended to survive a good many years yet. Assuming he didn't die of boredom. On one hand he supposed he should count himself lucky to be alive at all. Igneel an' the others hadn't fared that debacle with Acnologia. Dragon King Festival, bah!

Right crazy bastard, that.

"Bah, this is tiresome." the old dragon muttered, taping his scaly hide against a rocky crag. "I think I'll just take a nap...

He was just about to drift off into the sweet escape of slumber when something landed on his head.

It didn't so much hurt as it did annoy him; a sudden, sharp jostle against his head that tumble away seconds later. He thought nothing of it. T'was merely a stray pebble or some other harmless object. Nothing to lose sleep over. Wait a moment, did a pebble make that much noise? No matter, it would be gone soon enough. Nothing in this valley was foolish enough to disturb him. When the noise grew louder, more persistent, a low snarl of irritation escaped his jaws, punctuated by a plume of smoke.

With a muffled snort, he raised his scaly head, wondering what had the audacity to disturb him from his slumber. The jaden scales of his skin sparkled as he left the shade and the sun struck them, casting a myriad of saffron gold across the stones of his nest. Zirconis contented himself to bask in the warmth of the sun for a moment, before he saw it.

Lifting his great bulk up off of his body off the ground, he cast it a withering stare.

"What have we here?" he grumbled. "Who dares disturb me?!"

Much to his surprise, it was a human. Not just any human, but a human infant, wrapped tight in a thin blanket, with only its head and mouth exposed. It was wailing loudly, the source of its distress evident, as it was alone, its parent nowhere to be seen. At once, it noticed him, the great and angry dragon that loomed over it. Immediately, it quieted. Zirconis could not help but be amused by this.

"Where did you come from, little one?"

The infant turned wide eyes on him.

"Ba?"

"What kind of language is that?" the great dragon growled. "Are you mocking me?"

"Aba."

"Are you mocking me?!"

"Ba."

Of course, the child did not reply with words, he chided himself. He did not yet know the art of speech. Hooking the bundle in one claw, Zirconis freed the boy's arms, and gazed down at him intently. The boy, hardly a year old, gazed back at him, Curiosity brimming over in its sapphire blue eyes. Suddenly, it reached out to him with both of its tiny little arms. Indignant, the dragon dropped him and reared back on his hind legs. His wings stirred for the first time in an age, whipping at the wind. Not enough to blow the babe away, but just enough to startle it. Far from being terrified, the boy squealed in delight at the gentle breeze.

Zirconis scowled.

"Why are you laughing? You should be terrified!"

"ABABAH!"

The babe didn't seem to hear him, round blue eyes riveted as they were upon his wings. Watching them intently on the down-stroke, undeterred by the breeze. Baffled, the great dragon allowed the leathery appendages to droop, the great scaled membranes brushing the ground. He should've been frozen with fear. But he wasn't. If anything, he was oddly fixated on them, eerily so...

"Ha?"

When they came within reach of his mouth, the boy didn't hesitate.

CHOMP!

"Aaargh! You little brat!"

Zirconis jerked backwards in stark disbelief, physically unharmed, but the same could not be said for his ego. With that single gesture his ride lay in tatters. Bitten -startled, even!- by an infant! The gall! The humiliation! Had he really sunk so low as to be embarrassed by a human child?! But instead of destroying the cheeky little tyke outright, he found himsel

Hmm.

Was this a portend of fate, perhaps?

Yet this mortal had the nerve-the unmitigated gall!-to bite him!

"I am not food!"

The boy squealed once more and clapped his hands.

"Ba!"

"Stupid brat. Don't you know how to fear your betters?" Zirconis growled to himself, his scaly eyes briefly sliding shut as he exhaled. Once more, he honestly considered devouring the boy in recompense for his short-lived temerity, but decided against it. A human babe wouldn't make much of a meal and besides, he preferred women. What was it with these humans? Why his kin had taken interest in a race that would only betray them had made no sense to him before, but now, looking down at this child before him, this boy, who knew neither right from wrong, who possessed no sense of fear, he felt a twinge of curiosity for it. Just a twinge. Enough to prevent him from squashing the infant flat.

Enough to make him curious.

Mayhaps he could make use of this boy, teach him his way...just a bit. At least until he could fend for himself. It might be fun to see what chaos a dragon-raised human would wreak on the world. At the very least, he could serve as a distraction from this infernal boredom. And maybe, just maybe, he might be able to make use of this whelp.

The thought drew a snaggle-toothed grin from him.

'Interesting! He wouldn't make much of a meal at any rate.'

The mighty dragon yawned, his eyelids drooping suddenly. It was far too early in the morning to decide such consequential matter's. Who knew? The puny mortal might grow to amuse himself around the boy, Zirconis contented himself to sleep on the matter for now. He glowered down once more at the boy, just to be certain he hadn't crawled off somewhere, only to find said the child had already fallen fast asleep, snuggled against the warm scales of his tail.

"Bah. I don't even know why I'm bothering with you. But its better than being bored...

Closing his lids, Zirconis contented himself to slumber once more.

Any human, no matter how small, willing to bite him...

That alone might almost be worthwhile.

What could possibly go wrong?

How little he knew.

A/N: And there we go. Events are already spiralling out of control. Any and all ideas are welcome!

So...in the immortal words Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the previews! What madness awaits Naruto? Stay tuned to find out!

(Preview)

Magnolia was a lovely town, all things considered.

Even from a distance, one could marvel at its beauty.

A town teeming with life, home to one of the most powerful guilds the world over, ideal for colonization and expansion. People from all over the world gathered here, some to place requests, others to seek admittance to the ranks of Fairy Tail, and still others just to have a romping good time while they were young. In the summer, that made it downright pleasant, even. It might even make for an ideal vacation Naruto mused, once he'd had his fun. Unfortunately, as it was the home of severl S-Class mages already, he found himself wondering if his little prank would even be worth the risk. Eh, screw it.

Nothing ventured...

...nothing gained, after all!

Still, there was a certain rustic charm to it.

"That settles it! a pair of strong hands clapped.

The young man grinned shouldered his pack and struck a pose, fangs flashing in the afternoon sun.

"Hear me now, ladies of Magnolia!" he cried! "Prepare yourselves for the Dragon of Eros! Hide your coats! Guard your dresses! Lock up your undergarments! None shall be spared! Now, then...

Naruto Uzumaki grinned.

...let's have some fun."

"DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST EAT-

A hearty belch answered.

"Don't let the name fool ya. A lady's dress always tastes better than jade. Now then...

Blue eyes burned green.

...I believe I owe you for the meal."

That was all she heard before he opened his mouth and roared, spitting a volley of golden light.

When next she looked down her, clothes were nowhere to be seen.

"Kyah!"

Hope ya liked it! R&R! =D