When I was living with Sakurako, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to make for dinner. I used to plan it out the week before. I have always been very enthusiastic about cooking for her - I would normally spend five or so minutes just watching her, even before I had started eating.

Now I don't have any reason to care about what I eat, or any desire to make anything complicated. But when I have made dinner, I eat less than half. However, since it's a waste, I've decided to go out without eating anything: I don't feel hungry anyway.

I'm very nervous about this, as this'll be the first time I've tried to pick up anyone.

It's vital that I wear something appropriate. Rushing back and forth, trying on this or that. While erratically thinking: "This might work if I don't wear a bra. But then I might seem a bit too desperate", "This is definitely too casual for me to wear" and "I need to show off my breasts while also being warm enough to walk there". It has taken me about an hour to get my make-up to a level where I think I look sexy. It's not perfect, but it'll have to do.

Sakurako is actually really good at doing make-up, significantly better than me at least, so I'd normally let her do mine when we'd go out together. The face she made when she was concentrating, was both soothing and stimulating – I think that was why I'd helped her study as much as I did.

I'm very apprehensive about going to the local women's bar. I haven't been there since Sakurako was still living with me, and I'm afraid of what people will think. But I'll have to go there eventually: I don't want a repeat of what happened two days ago.

As I walked into the bar, everyone turned and stared at me. At the same time the room became silent, until they turned back to speculate on my solitary state.

I tried to see if I recognized anyone here, there are a couple of people whom I'm acquainted with but they are in rather large or intimate groups and I would rather not intrude. There are also women who I would rather not flirt with at all, but they're normally the more masculine ones: I'm not interested in anyone who is like a man.

It's hard for me to do things like this. I get very self-conscious way too easily and end up in a state of embarrassment. I normally get around this by not going out alone, but since most of my friends either already have a partner or are probably doing something else, I decided to force myself to go on my own.

I get minor anxiety very easily and I get too afraid to approaching anyone. Sakurako was a big help for me, as she can talk to anyone regardless of who they are. She allowed me to have more friends than I otherwise could ever have had.

I already felt awkward. As several people greeted me. The strangest thing was how most of them already knew about me and Sakurako. I guess gossip of that nature spreads fast.

Nervously, I excused myself out of several conversations with the excuse of getting a drink.

I was already thinking about retreating as I approached the bar.

As I asked for a drink, I was internally panicking. I assumed that I wouldn't be able to do anything, let alone pick up a hot girl.

The barmaid came back with a pint of beer and asked: "Where's Sakurako? I don't think I have seen you here alone before now."

"We are no longer together," I answered sombrely, as I handed her a ¥1000 note.

Almost as soon as I received the change, I experienced a shock: someone grabbed both of my breasts and squeezed them.

I might have let out a loud squeal.

"Yo Boobs-chan!" exclaimed a familiar voice.

"Toshinou-senpai? Wha?"

"Well I tried to call you over but you completely blanked me."

"... Did I?" I asked.

"It's okay Boobs-chan, I forgive you."

"I'm certain that I have previously told you not to call me that."

"I'm also certain that I've told you to call me Kyouko haven't I?" she said and smiled innocently at me.

"Possibly, but it just feels unnatural as I have always called you Toshinou-senpai."

"But we are friends aren't we?" she said, as she stroked my arm, "when you call me Toshinou-senpai it sounds like we barely know each other, doesn't it?"

She had been continuously smiling at me.

I had thought that she seemed pretty cute for some reason.

"Have, uh, have you got a drink Tosh... Kyouko?" I asked. I was probably coming on too strong, particularly by the way I said it.

Her response was sweet though: "You said it! Well, Himawari, I was thinking about getting something different this time." she said cutely.

"Would you like me to get it?"

She laughed.

I hesitated. I only partly understood why she'd mocked me. I thought: "Why is she laughing? Did I do something wrong? But it isn't like I am trying to flirt with her, is it? I am just being polite."

I stood there, bemused by her reaction.

"Sorry, sorry," she snickered, "you're too cute."

"Okay, so you don't want me to get you anything," I said confused.

"I am sorry, but you shouldn't ask anyone something like that. That is like asking someone if you can flirt with them. But if you're offering I'll have a rum and coke."

While I waited for her drink I asked her, "Kyouko, did you come her with anyone?"

She didn't answer until I got her drink.

"No, I was sitting over there. It was rather awkward as they were a couple and probably wanted to be on their own. Should we get a table?"

I agreed and we walked over to a small circular table.

"But to answer your question, I didn't come here with anyone. I want to be single for a little while, to give me a little space to think and have a some fun."

When she said that it triggered a memory: Yoshikawa-san told me that Toshinou-senpai and Funami-senpai had got back together. So either they split up since two days ago or Yoshikawa-san was wrong and somehow misinterpreted their friendship as something more intimate.

I probably should've asked her.

"Why are you here? Especially all alone?" she asked.

"Well, me and Sakurako broke up," I said, but before I could say anything more she interrupted me:

"Oh that is terrible. You two were seemingly perfect for each other, to the point that most of us were jealous of how strong your relationship was. So what was the reason you broke up? Was it petty or did she cheat on you?"

"Our parents found out, they split us apart and now Sakurako is going out with a guy."

"That's awful. I'm glad my parents don't know about my sexuality."

"Do they think you're straight or do they try ignore it?"

"They occasionally ask if I've found a guy or if I would want to date one of their friends' sons. But they don't seem like they care that much."

"But they don't know you have had a series of relationships with other women?"

She laughed, "I don't know actually. They might. It would be hard for them to not be able to piece together the clues. But I don't think they want to."

"I thought my parents we like that. They said a couple of things which I'd interpreted to mean that they knew and were okay with my life. But I was completely wrong. When they actually found out, they were disgusted by me, so much so they are afraid that I might turn Kaede into a lesbian," I said.

After I finished Toshinou-sempai took hold of my left hand.

I froze in place, uncertain as to what to do. As she looked into my eyes, she began to stroke my hand. Her smile was beautiful - although she would look so much prettier with shoulder length hair.

I continued; "I really wish that they would just accept me. I am really worried that they'll hate me for the rest of my life. The worst part is that I'll still love them..." She kissed my hand. Her lips were soft and warm.

I pulled my hand back in confusion.

"I would rather not talk about such depressing topics," she said, while gazing into my eyes. "Why don't we talk about something pleasant." As she said the word "pleasant", she smiled seductively.

At that moment I felt this eruption of urges I haven't felt since before I was dating Sakurako. I suddenly became very self-aware of all of my blatant, and painfully obvious, attempts at flirtation.

"Um... Himawari?" she asked, breaking my concentration. "I hope I am not boring you too much, but it is rude to just blank me like that."

"S-sorry, I didn't mean to. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Oh," she pouted, "It's fine. I mean we've never been particularly close have we? Even though we spent so much time together during school." Her entire body language shifted to reflect her new-found sulkiness. "I mean all I wanted to know is if you've seen Chitose around at all, because I haven't seen her in awhile."

Ignoring her childish behaviour I answered: "Last I knew was that her and Chizuru have decided to continue living together, after they moved to be closer to their parents, now that their dad has stopped moving around as much."

"Her and Chizuru? That is kinda cute. It is a shame they live so far away."

"They said they intended to visit every so often but I guess life has overwhelmed them. It has only been about half a year, so they could come back to visit at any time."

"But I'm surprised that she hasn't contacted you."

"Originally, she had done so, but she has since stopped contacting me. I probably should catch up with them soon."

It took me too long to notice that she was actually flirting with me. I have heard that she wanted to sleep with as many of her friends from school as she can. She has always been very open about that sort of thing, even to the point of groping and flirting to anyone at every possible opportunity. It seemed innocent during middle school and deliberate during high school, she has always been very sexual.

The worst thing is that I really didn't want to do anything with her, I felt like it would've been something that I'd later come to regret. Despite that, when she started rubbing my legs with her feet I failed to resist. By this point she had definitely understood the weakness of my position.

Honestly, I feel awful writing this up: it was like my logical capabilities were overridden and I had no willpower to resist her seduction.

She had overwhelmed me, I suddenly started to notice little things about her, like the smell of her perfume, it was this mild flowery aroma that was childish yet inviting; the bold colour of her lipstick, that matched the colour of her checks; her long, thick eyelashes, which may or may not be fake, I haven't paid that much attention to her eyelashes before; and her light blonde hair, it's colour is so bright that it is almost glistening in the sombre light.

Eventually we got to a point where we had both had a bit too much to drink, and the conversations took a very sexual turn.

"Okay, so have you only been in a relationship with Sakurako, right?" I nodded my head. "So, what I wanted to ask... was how many girls have you actually slept with?" As she asked this, she smiled naughtily.

At first I looked at her with bemusement, as I was certain that she could work out how many people I have slept with by the amount of relationships I have been in: "Isn't that obvious?" I asked innocently.

"No, no, no! It isn't. It really isn't. Like for example I have had sex with... well, obviously Yui and Ayano, then I managed to convince Chinastu. Outside of our group, I've slept with..." She started rattling off a bunch of names, I can't remember them all honesty. "... which brings the grand total to around fourteen lovely ladies, if I didn't forget anyone, while I have only been in about four or five relationships."

"How many people have you dated though?"

"Me? Oh, only Yui and Ayano."

"Really?" I asked in amazement. "You never tried to go out with anyone else?"

"I really do love them both, but they get too clingy. They both want me to choose one of them and settle down," the last part was said in a very mocking tone, "But I am only going to be young and beautiful and sexy for... my whole life and as a result I can not waste my time by doing dull, boring things I don't want to do."

I was in an awed silence: uncertain as to whether she was joking. I don't get how anyone could hold such a position, isn't being in a loving relationship something that everyone desires? I don't get why you would intentionally hurt the people who are closest to you. I could never do something like that, in fact I have lived my whole life doing the exact opposite; trying to make another person's life better by loving and nurturing them- even if she seems like she no longer needs or wants me.

As I wrote that I started to cry, so I will apologize henceforth if the ink smudges.

Getting back to my thoughts at that time; I was desperately trying to suppress my thoughts about Sakurako, because I was there to get away from my home filled with memories.

"You're really distracted tonight aren't you?" she said with a big smile, "But I know what you want and why you came here." She laughed, then began rubbing my legs under the table again.

By this point I had decided to go for it. This was going to be my first step away from my old self. I need to move on or I will remain in this state for the rest of my life.

I not only responded to her advances, but I also physically moved myself closer to her.

We kissed each other. It felt strange. The way she kissed me was different from what I was used to. Her tongue danced in my mouth like an unsteady drunken girl.

After that she proceeded to try and make me feel as uncomfortable as possible, groping my breasts as rough as she could, forcing her way as close to my vagina as possible. She was like an octopus.

I was too drunk to properly tell her off. So I let her and I slowly stopped caring all together.

With my head spinning in circles I let her take me to a hotel. She wouldn't stop caressing me. It was aggressive, nonsensical and both overwhelming and at times underwhelming. I didn't really understand what she was saying or doing.

The thing I remembered most about the journey there was the taxi driver, he wouldn't stop making sexual remarks. He seemed very uncomfortable about the fact that he was taking two young women to a love hotel. It might have been the fact that we were almost fucking each other in the back of his taxi. I cannot remember much of what he said, but I do remember saying something along the lines of: "We don't need men when we have each other, they are superfluous." I don't think he responded to what I said.

I was sick after about five minutes after we entered our room. I was in a really bad way at that point.

Several minutes after I threw up I – thankfully – regained some composure and a smidgen of understanding about my situation.

"I can't do it," I said as she kept touching and kissing me.

"Look, it'll be fine. Just relax and I'll do the work," she said tenderly.

It was very hard to resist. My mind slowly began to undo all of the flirtation, it didn't make sense that she could split up with Funami-senpai so soon after getting back together.

The main thing that caused these thoughts was that Yui rang her, it was clear that she was trying to fuck me instead of fucking her girlfriend. I couldn't hurt Funami-senpai like that. If I did sleep with her now, I would never be able to talk to Yui again.

I got up from the bed. I had enough. She kept trying to take off my clothes or feel my vagina and I knew that if she started pleasuring me, my sexual frustration would cause me to have sex with her.

"Stop it! Just stop it. I can't have sex with you." I shouted.

"Why? Look I am not going out with anyone, I don't know why Yui keeps ringing me but I'm not dating her."

"I don't believe you," I said shaking my head, "if I was to have sex with you now, I couldn't talk to Yui or Ayano again."

"Why? I promise our sexual encounter will never leave this room."

I laughed.

"I really don't believe you now. But even so, I will feel awful if I talked to them after this. The fact that I fucked someone very close to them, someone they love dearly." I said.

"They don't love me anymore. Why would they?"

"Of course they do," I paused, uncertain as to say anything more, "in fact... I know they have to, you can't spend that much time loving and caring about someone and not think about them constantly, regardless of how uncaring you pretend to be. They will certainly be the same and therefore the misery I feel will be similar to what they'll feel. I need that stupid girl. It doesn't matter how much I pretend, or how aggressively I shut out those thoughts and desires. I need her right now. I love her with all of my fucking soul and that is why I can't do this. It feels wrong, this whole fucking thing feels wrong. We aren't supposed to do this. I know we aren't," I began to cry. My voice became erratic and hoarse. "She is the one I love and so to have sex with someone similar enough is awful. But I can't and not only can I not, but I won't. It doesn't matter how sexy or hot you might be, you being someone who isn't my beloved Sakurako makes this impossible."

"Have you finished?" she didn't even seem to care. "But what is the point of such extreme loyalty, especially when she is probably fucking her boyfriend right about now."

I snapped.

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"You did? Remember?" she said. I shook my head. "She has moved on, and so should you. It is unhealthy to spend so much time wishing life to be different. I know I would love to not fuck my relationships up, but I have desires and wants that they don't or can't fulfil. It just happens, she might actually want to have children or to have a husband."

"But why? Don't you realize it hurts them?"

"You slowly push that out of your mind and you think only about the immediate benefit. The pleasure of fucking someone who you have wanted to for a long time."

"Is that why you want to fuck me?"

"Uh... Kinda, I really want to know what it is like to have sex with someone with tits as big as yours," she paused for a little while, probably uncertain as to whether she should continue, "I would really love to see them. They're so soft, big and wondrous."

She stopped and with her head hung low, she seemed to be crying. I don't think I have ever seen her like this. I have always assumed that she was simply an immature woman, desperately fighting against her own age.

In between sobs, gasps and wiping away her tears, she talked to me: "I hate it, I hate how everything has changed. It is almost as if everyone I knew had been changed and replaced by people who look like them but are different in minor ways. I know they've merely grown up and matured, so their attitudes have been altered. But even though everyone has changed, I feel exactly the same as I always have: like I haven't moved at all, just stuck in place."

She stopped crying as much and became vexed: "When I look at you I see a woman whose similar to a friend I had had in middle school, but you can't be the same, as you're a mature woman; a woman who is clearly too old to be her. And as I said, I'm the same as I've always been - I've only gone up one cup size since middle school. It's not fair that time keeps moving on without me.

"The real change was when I got asked out by Ayano for the first time. I expected everything to stay the same. Same old Amusement club, same old flirting with anyone that I want. But suddenly people starting treating me differently, especially Yui who treated me like a different person. No longer would she be my comic foil, instead she responded coldly, without emotion or any type of humour or comedy. Time has only made that scenario worse. Now she tells me to stop joking around, to start taking things seriously. I mean she wants me to get a job to help support her. She doesn't even care about my artistic pursuits. There was a time when she'd help me with my manga and even went along to Comiket with me. But now she says she can't as her own deadlines are approaching and she can't get anymore time off work.

"The other problem is that the only manga that people want is my doujinshi, whenever I try something new or original I either don't get published – but even if it does it gets dropped too soon – or it isn't popular enough. It's exhausting to put so much effort into something and have it ignored. Mirakurun is the only thing I do that both sells and I love doing.

"Although, I don't make much off of manga anyway. I am not like you, who can make a living off of your passions."

We both went silent. I don't know why she started ranting about her life, after all it's me who hasn't grown up. Hell I still love my school crush, even after I learnt that I need to move on.

"I work hard keeping my business going, it isn't something that just happens on it's own. I know I'm making money, as I keep careful track of how much money I make, but it isn't something that magically happens. During the more difficult periods you do need to be very careful with your time and money, there will always be times when you are only losing money and everything looks like it's about to collapse. But doing what you love is a struggle, a constant absurd struggle. Like pushing a boulder up a mountain for eternity. You can't rationalize it, all you can do it is keep at it. Though it burns your heart, you must keep up, you have to; anything else will be nonsensical."

She laughed for a little while.

"What a load of shit. All I want is to do what I love doing, with someone I love and be able to maintain myself," she said mockingly.

"But I thought you wanted to have sex with as many women as you can?" I asked honestly.

"Exactly, I love both manga and women! I should be able to do both, then come home to another woman whom I love deeply rather than superficially."

"So you want to have no consequences for your flirtatious behaviour?"

"Yep, like when I was fourteen. They were good times though weren't they. Every day had something unique and fun, whether it was planning to scare Ayano or going flower viewing," she had a happy grin on her face when she was reminiscing. It's hard to move on with your life when you believe that the past is always going to be better than anything possible in the future.

"I dunno. In all honesty I preferred my adult life with Sakurako. I agree that being in middle school was fun, but I only considered it positive, when it had ended with me and Sakurako living together. But now those memories are embarrassing to think about. I cannot believe how awkward and stupid I was, I should've realized my love sooner and pursued her earlier; that way I would have more happy memories and my middle school memories wouldn't be filled with me and her fighting for half of it, then awkwardly interacting for the other half.

"Oh god how I wish I could be with her again. To feel her and embrace her soft, fair skin and kiss her sweet vagina, hear her moan in ecstasy and make her orgasm innumerable times."

Kyouko laughed, "I can't believe you jumped straight to eating her pussy out. You need some grace and manners."

"I have to make up for all the time we lost," I sighed, reminiscing on all of the pleasure we've had. "I love her so much. I am too weak to move on. I am pathetic aren't I."

"Yes you are," she said bluntly, "she has moved on and so should you. I'll have sex with you if you want to. After all you do need to release that frustration that has clearly built up."

"Maybe I should ask her..."

She interrupted me: "Don't. Stop. You need to move on. She's gone, gone over to the other side. You cannot concern yourself with her anymore. You have to move on. You need to move on."

I can't. I really did try. I tried to hide my grief behind this need to move on, but in reality it'll take a while to actually get over her.

But why should I get over her. I need that girl. Everything about me and my life has been thrown out of balance since she left me. I clearly love her and I don't think that my passion can ever go away. She was literally the light in my life, she was the reason I cared. The reason I got up, made sweets when I was at middle school - I pretended that she had nothing to do with it as I gave her the "leftovers" - but in truth she inspired such great things within me. I don't want that passion to end like this. It cannot end like this.

I really should march over to her house and demand to see that spoilt little girl and try to win her back. Our relationship was so strong that the only thing that could stop it was the entire force of societal values forcing us apart.

All I should need to do is to remind her of that love and that desire – which can never end. For it to end is to kill both of us. We need each other, the same way that the sunflower or the sakura tree needs sunlight and water. If we don't have each other than we shall wilt and die.

Maybe I could challenge her boyfriend to a fight, it doesn't matter if I get beaten up at least I will prove to her that my love is prepared to go through anything to get her back. Maybe even a voyage or journey of some description.

Ever since I came back I have had this urge or desire to run to her.

I'll quickly sum up what happened after Toshinou-senpai interrupted me – I didn't really respond and then she went back to begging me for sex, I reacted aggressively and left. By this point my mind was going overtime thinking about running to Sakurako's house, sweeping her off her feet and taking her back. And how we'll kiss each other and have lots of sex when we return.

By the time I walked back to my house it was too late to do that.

In fact maybe I could write her a letter and put it through her door. I would have to make it look like a proper official letter so her parents don't intercept it. Then I could properly express my anger at her. My frustrated, sexual anger. All I want is for her to know my feelings and how legitimate my feelings for her are. She has to know and maybe then we could have a proper break-up, none of that stupid crap with her parents, just me and her talking to one another again. In fact her boyfriend could even be there, then I could fight him and prove the strength of my love.

But I have to do something, if I don't I might just wither and die.