Chapter 1

Sitting on the hill watching the helicopter take away Martin's latest patient, thoughts were running both wild and free through both Louisa's and Martin's heads. There was silence between them, but not the unbearable kind. They were just sitting there, close to each other, head to head.

Martin have always been amazed at how Louisa shares and shows her emotions….The way she looked at him, the way she tells him how she feel, the way she likes to touch - his arm, his cheek , his back, his hair….the way she smiles at him. OH God! She is such an emotional person…and says it like it is….good or bad…sometimes she just boils over…saying whatever pops up in her head. How can anyone do that….? WHY can he not be like that…if for nothing else but HER? He knows he needs to do MORE of that, be More like her…for them…for James Henry…but how… how can he, after 40 odd years, change that…..?

Louisa has always been amazed at how controlled Martin Ellingham is. How you simply cannot tell what he's feeling - he hides his emotions perfectly! He never loses control over it. Well almost never …she bore witness to that for at least two or 3 times… BUT still…he is emotionally challenged at the best of times….He will never just take her hand to hold it (well only once she can recall – ages ago). He barely just kisses her (again she can only remember 3 times he did). He does not say what he want, what he needs, HOW he feels…! How can any person be that… shut? How do you go through life without emotions and feelings boiling over…controlling it so perfectly? She needs him to be able to TRUST her completely, open up to her, he must let go… loose a bit control…! That's what she wants, No, needs from him. Is there any way he will ever change? Will it ever become easier for him…will he be able to let go…after 40 odd years …will he be able to change?

And what about her? Surely she has problems as well. That became clear with Dr Timothy. It cannot just be Martin's fault. She has to admit that she might as well need some help. Can she change, not be so … presumptuous, pushy…to judge him, to wrongly assume the worst. He never let her down in the past; he's as steady as ever, she can rely on him until eternity that much is true. She was always the one that expected too much from him, and then turn to run if he'd not delivered. Surely she needed to do some self-reflection.

Martin worked up some courage and kissed his wife again. …Not quit understanding why it always feels so difficult to do it, when clearly they both enjoy it very much.

Louisa admired him like so many times before. She realised that she uncontrollably loved this man! How could she have ever doubt it? He showed – yet again - how astonishingly amazing he was!

Martin was starting to relax, feeling relieved that the ordeal was over! And he is not just thinking about the patient situation. His adorable, beautiful loving wife is sitting here next to him, saying that she realise they are not "normal". That's no secret!

He was scared – no petrified, that he would not see her – and James Henry – again. He needed to let her know…he must make things better…and… he will! He needs Louisa, he loves her. And he loves his precious son.

"Louisa…" Martin spoke softly, tenderness ever present in his voice.

"Yes Martin", she was barely whispering.

He loves the way she says his name…it made him feel special, she made it sound special!

Clearing his throat, he continued. "I need to change, don't I? Ruth told me a while ago that I must change if I want to keep you. I tried. I simply don't know how…uhm …to change. Can you help me? That is, would you want to…help me?"

Louisa took quite a while to answer while Martin waited with anticipation. He thought she did not want to answer as she did not have an answer. Maybe he was wrong. He read the signs wrong. She might not want to… help…him. He was just about to say that they should probably head to the car when she started to speak.

"You cannot just expect someone to change, can you Martin? I did. I was wrong." She looked into his eyes, remorse showing in hers. "I am really sorry about that Martin. Trying to change you was just a recipe for disaster….YOU never expected me to change" She looked a bit sad while she spoke.

"I love you, Louisa from the day I saw you, the way you are. You are…perfect"

Louisa glanced at him again, but looked away, staring in the distance. "People don't just change their ways, especially at such a late time in their lives. I thought that I could change you in order to have this perfect normal family, a perfect husband, and perfect marriage, a picture perfect life! The way I dreamt of as a little girl when mom left us. I decided that one day my life will not be the same as hers, her choices were wrong, she left me and dad! My life, my family would be normal. But Martin" – and she looks at Martin with soft, loving, admiring eyes, the only way she could after realizing how close she came to mess this all up, "like I said just now, we , me and you , we are Not normal , we're very far from it. And …that's alright."

"Uhm, Yes, Correct. However, things were not really good, were they? I buggered it up pretty good." His head was low, his shoulders hang, he looked…beaten. "I realise that I am not the best for you and James Henry as it is. I will do better."

He looked at Louisa, and she saw pain in those soulful eyes, she felt really sorry for what he's been through.

He looked away over the grasslands and continued: "Clocks. I know clocks. I can relate to them. Me and you are like a tightly wound up clock. There were too much tension. We need to unwind it a lot to take the tension of the main spring. If there is too much tension on the mainspring and you try to work on it, it snaps. You can get hurt, loose a finger! I…have tools…to fix clocks…but I have No tools to fix our clock….Louisa, I need the tools."

After a couple of seconds, he turned and looked at Louisa with pure admiration, love and disbelieve that this wonderfully beautiful women was here with him, talking with him and just kissed him. THIS woman married him, had his baby. She left, but she also came back. When he was kidnapped, she came to look for him. Even when the village idiots told her that he might have just left her and James Henry…! He could Never leave them….he loved them so much, it hurts, really physically hurts, he even thought there was something medically wrong with him, but the past 2 days made him realize that love hurts…even when its good.

The way Martin looks at Louisa always made her feel….special, loved, admired…sometimes uncomfortable as the look were so intense, penetrating, as if those big blue-grey eyes were searching her soul for answers, she might not even have.

"That was uhm …an extraordinary comparison to our relationship! And very true to you." Louisa gave him a small smile.

"Well Martin, maybe you don't have to change, course, who would you be then? You will not be Martin Ellingham anymore! The person you are is who I fell in love with, who I still love. SO to answer your question, Martin, NO, I do not need you to change. I only need to see more of the loving, caring, kind-hearted sensitive man that I know you try so hard to hide. I really need that Martin to come forward, play a bigger part in our everyday life. I need to see you try really hard to not be so angry and rude to everyone. You also need to talk to me more, show me you care, tell me how you feel, what you need and want. That's what I need. Those are things that need to change. Marriage doesn't guarantee that you'll be together forever; it's just a piece of paper. It takes trust, commitment, understanding, friendship, love and faith to make it last. Those are the Tools to our clock!"

She let out a huge sigh and continued. "I know I can be difficult to live with some times, can't I? I am messy and all over the place, you are not used to it, and it must frustrate you enormously. I was also used to living on my own, by my own terms; it has been difficult to adjust. I must admit that much. Maybe Dr Timothy was right, maybe I wanted you to fail, as that is what I was used to all my life? I never gave you a chance to proof me wrong, I assumed things, and without talking, really talking, I jumped to my own conclusions and then turned and ran.

"Look, there are ways we can try to improve us, I know we can. And if you are willing, I am willing to give myself 100% to work together. Our marriage is worth fighting for; you are worth fighting for Martin."

Martin listened attentively as Louisa just talked her heart out. It was needed. She needed to say it, he needed to hear it. It was good.

When she was done, it was quiet for a while, and then Martin spoke, his voice was a little trembling. "I believe marriage is supposed to bring out the best in each other, as you have someone who love and accept you for who you are, and work together at the things you are rubbish on. Is that not the reason you were drawn together in the first place? You are supposed to be a team, united. That's what I believe a marriage should be like. However, I never had a good example of one. Except for Joan and Uncle Phil…maybe, but the last time I visited them, I was eleven, so after that. Well.

It's not in my principle to lie, to you or anyone. I believe it's a good trademark on my part, which you need since you did not have that security when you grew up. Therefor I could also never cheat on you. That is simply not part of my morals.

You … you see the good in everyone. You are spontaneous, friendly, very sociable…I…I…those are things I could be taught. If…" he swallows hard. "…if you still want to."

Louisa was quite surprised by this revelations that Martin thrown on her just now. "Right. Yes. Now that's a mouth full, especially coming from you, but yes, you are right. And somehow I have forgotten that along the way. You are still the most interesting man I've ever met. I find you very intriguing. I want so desperately to get inside your head, but I have come to realise that's nearly impossible. So I would work hard to rather stay inside your heart, cause that I can handle much better. I will help you…but like you said, this is a partnership, we are in this together. I would also like us to work on me. I have many faults and also need you to help me."

"I really love you Louisa" there, he said it again, and it felt easier!

Louisa knows that for her Martin to say those words, twice in the last couple of minutes, must be soul crunching, so she does appreciate it even more.

"I know Martin, and I love you just as much."

Martin stood up and pulled his wife up, but did not let go, he pulled her very close to him, and once again, he kissed her, passionately, deeply, displaying all that he was ever afraid to show her in this soul baring kiss…and he could tell, she was returning every emotion he was feeling….With this kiss, both of them felt more true emotion, more feeling, more love, than ever before, and they instinctively know, that if possible at all, they love each other even more, and that there might definitely be change…