In His Brown Eyes, a harry potter fanfic

Summary: In His Brown Eyes I see pain, hurt, anger but most of all I see; love. And that confuses me. He is my best mate, but that's all he's ever been to me. He's looking at me like I have all the answers, like as long as we have each other, nothing can touch us. He's looking at me like I'm his whole world. But, b-but I don't know what to do, I've never been someone's whole world before. I was the one usually thrown to the side, like I'm the least important person. No one would even notice me if I disappeared, and neither would anybody even care. But when he whispers; "You mean something to me.", I realise that, none of that has ever been the truth about me. I was wanted, I was important and thoughts left my mind, the minute his lips crash down on mine.

Warnings: Just a few words like 'bloody' 'sodding' 'stupid' and 'idiot'. Sex is implied, so probably not good for anyone under 14-15.

Beta: The Enthralling Paradox

In His Brown Eyes

I still don't remember how I got here. I was standing in front of probably the most beautiful girl to ever walk through Hogwarts' gates and yet, my heart is empty. Standing here, I feel that, I am now nothing but a body without a heart or soul. I feel like I'm just dead bones and flesh. I feel as if my mind doesn't control my body, neither does my heart, since my heart ran away a long time ago, way before she stood before me. My heart told me my mind was lying, the mind told that my heart was lying and yet, I believing neither, I let my body take me away. My body fortunately had its own mind, which I hadn't thought it had.

Standing before her, with no outside reactions from me, no one could interpret what was I feeling and thinking. But internally, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and beg for a way out. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. I needed to go away. No, I had to go away.

But my feet won't let me, my body is moving on its own accord.

As her face nears mine, I can see all the emotions in her eyes. Everyone always says that the eyes are the window to a person's soul. Mine reflects the soul that does not exist. I know it existed before I came here, before my legs walked me towards the Ravenclaw Tower. I had to have had a soul.

However, my mind had come to apologise for my hasty leave the night before to her; my heart had already said goodbye to me, when I stepped outside of my dorm room, not wanting to take part in it because deep down, I knew that didn't mean the apology that was on my lips. So, my mind and heart left me, as I walked the corridors, moving towards the Ravenclaw tower, knowing it couldn't help me anymore and there was nothing it could say, that could manage to convince me.

I couldn't believe they had left me. In time of need, you need to feel like you have a heart, and a mind, to tell you what to do. Tell you what the right thing to do is. But they had given up on me. I don't know why though. It was like something was whispering, 'Your heart is attached to something, something you can't see, and yet, you chose to walk away from it.'

I could feel without my mind or heart, my body taking more control of the situation. The only thing I know, is that what my heart is showing me, is that this is all wrong. Even last night it was telling me, what I'd left this for, it had been wrong too.

I couldn't even understand anything. What is right anymore?

I can't even kiss my girlfriend without wanting to puke. l and faced in dilemma.

I had never thought I'd have the will power to admit that.

You see, not but a year ago, I loved her. I loved her with all my heart and mind and all I wanted for her was to realise I exist, I wanted her to love me back. I wanted to marry this girl and I thought that as long as I have her, nothing could or ever would go wrong.

But every guy wanted her, and they all wanted what I wanted. Some even actually existed in her world – but were never more than what their 'title' proclaimed. If you were on one of the Quidditch Teams, that's all you'd ever be to her. If you were a part of her house, you'd just be another fellow Ravenclaw. If you were a prefect, you'd only be just another fellow prefect. If you happened to be the Head Boy, that's all you'd ever be in her eyes. If you were just anyone else, you were just that someone else that went to Hogwarts too with her.

Yet, as she places her lips upon mine, I realise, I wasn't any of those things. I was her boyfriend. When we got together, everything had been fine. Everyone congratulated us – well most did – and I got those kinds of pats on the back that said 'well done'. But it felt wrong. She wasn't a prize. I knew she wasn't. I still had a shred of decency in me to tell you, she had never been a prize to me.

I wasn't that type of guy.

I had loved her with all my heart and soul, atleast at one stage of my life. But the last time, I had truly loved her was when I was fifteen and even sixteen. But this year, my mind told me yes, I scored the Head Girl, but that didn't mean my heart was going to be a part of it anymore.

And the worst thing is that, I didn't even know why.

My mind shouts at me, - awakening from wherever it came from – telling me to keep kissing her, bask in her beauty, not pull away. But I do.

Because my heart feels like it's attaching itself back to me, well, half of it, I still wonder if Penelope has the other half.

"I love you." She says, looking in my eyes.

And suddenly it becomes all too real for me. We'd said it plenty of times before but in the last three-four months, I hadn't. A part of me had been glad because telling her that I loved her, nowadays felt like a lie. And so I didn't lie. I was Percy Weasley, the Head Boy, who never did lie.

I don't know why, but I automatically ignored what she said, and my lips found hers again.

I let go of my thoughts again and my heart drifted off, once more. I noticed though, my mind hadn't blocked itself again, hadn't closed itself off from thought. It was still there and now, I know it's lying when it says 'this is what you want, don't ignore it up you idiot'.

I give up on all thought because my body does one thing, my mind says another, and my heart literally begs a complete different thing, but the main conundrum was that I don't know what it is begging for exactly.

That was two and a half-hours ago, and now I regret what I did. I let her take me into her room and finally, she got what she wanted, what I'd thought I desired since I was fifteen. We exchanged body heat and pleasures, but now I just feel more emptier than I did to begin with.

I walk up the stairs and go into the my dorm room. I can't help the thought that appears when I turn the handle; 'Do you think Oliver waited for me?' and somehow my heart skips a beat just thinking about it, about thinking Oliver waiting for me, awake, till now. I was about to smile at the thought of having my heart show itself, show that it was still here that I wasn't as dead as I first believed – but it just shattered when I notice that Oliver hadn't waited, nor was he even in the sodding dorm room.

I felt my world crash and I have no idea why. So I just walk in and get started on that homework I neglected when I went to visit Penelope. It wasn't another hour until I heard the door fly open. My head snapped up and looked towards Oliver, who looked positively livid. Like he was ready to kill someone. What had happened now?

My eyes follow every single one of Oliver's movements until they freeze. I hear his whisper of, "Why did you do it?" My heart just shatters more and I have no clue why it's shattering without my consent. It wasn't long until his another whisper of 'why' reached by ears.

Seeing that I wasn't reacting to his whispers, he began shouts of, "How could you?!"

I watched him as he just shouted things at me, most of which I couldn't make out through his anger-filled voice.

I couldn't look at his eyes but I force myself to find the real emotion in them. I knew he always gave away what he felt in his brown eyes and then suddenly I notice everything.

In his brown eyes, I notice things that never used to be there before or maybe they were and I just didn't notice it.

I see pain, hurt, anger but most of all I see; love. That confuses me. He is my best mate, that's all he's ever been. It had never crossed my mind that we 'loved' each other. Yes, we – or more him – jokingly said it all the time. It's just what he did. He's looking at me like I have all the answers, like as long as we have each other, nothing can touch us. Like we're some kind of army, just the two of us, an unstoppable army. He's looking at me like I'm his whole world. But, I've never been someone's whole world before.

I'm usually thrown to the side. I'm the least important. I'm the least and most unnoticed child of seven. No one would even notice me if I disappeared. Nobody would even care. They wouldn't go looking for me, I knew they wouldn't. I was nothing, nothing to everybody.

It is then I notice Oliver walking towards me, and suddenly I'm backing up against the wall. Maybe he's about to kill me, what could more be possible? But he lowered his mouth to my ears and whispered, "You mean something to me." I atleast know he isn't about to kill me.

I'm finally aware that all those thoughts about being nothing and not meaning a single thing to someone – isn't and hasn't ever been the truth as his lips crash down on mine. My body just jolts and I go into a frenzy.

My body flames up and I feel like there's a fire going on inside my skin. I feel like I'm burning up from within. I feel like electricity is racing through my veins. My stomach is doing numerous summersaults and back flips.

Butterflies inside my stomach, and my mind is chanting; never-stop…never-stop…never-stop. My heart is swelling up, beating fast and my palms are clamming up, but I don't care, as his arms attach themselves on my back.

I couldn't care less about anything, for once, I thought about one thing and one thing alone; Oliver Wood. My whole body screamed his name, screamed for more of his touch.

And suddenly it all just makes sense.

My whole life and its purpose make sense. For once in my bloody life, I feel like I just belong. Belong to someone. Belong to somewhere. Nothing else matters, not while he's here. Maybe he was my whole world too; I just didn't know it before. I know that I'll never go astray again, not while I have him.

Penelope Clearwater is the last thing on my mind now, and it even doesn't cross it for the whole night because everything was just perfect for once. No stupid girlfriend to change that fact. No dilemma between body, mind and heart right now. Now nothing else existed before me, only he did. I didn't think about the consequences of this choice, of me kissing him back, not about what this means or why I was kissing him.

Or the fact that we're both boys.

I just experienced nothing other than just pure bliss and happiness.