Chapter 18

Destiny

Summary:

Their love for one another was fickle. Destiny was bone-headed and stubborn. Roxas has made up his mind.

He wove through the quiet streets, towards a yet unknown destination. His whole body shook with fear and adrenaline. He tightened his grip on the handlebars of his bike and tried to keep his ride steady. Everything still burned and hurt. Every inhale hit his throat like a thousand shards, piercing, scratching and digging. Angry tears streamed down Roxas' face.

Roxas didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to go home either in case Axel would show up begging him for forgiveness.

Roxas had enough. He wasn't going to let himself get treated like that anymore. No more vying for control, no more abuse.

Roxas remembered the last time he had been in a strangle hold like that. It had hurt less and hadn't left a mark. To be frank it hadn't even been as terrifying. Everything was ten times worse when it came from the man he loved, and who should love him in return.

He couldn't let Cloud see him this way or Axel would be as good as dead, and Roxas didn't want that. It would cause more trouble for Cloud. Roxas didn't want to ruin Cloud's happy ending, he thought with fury.

He didn't give two shits about Axel. Axel could rot in hell. He'd be in good company down there. Roxas gunned his engine harder. He needed to get as much distance as was humanly possible between himself and that fucking menace.

So he went towards Xion's place instead. Roxas had no idea how he had even managed to get himself to her front door. He swore he had several blackouts while racing down the streets. He had almost crashed twice, swerving back onto the road in the nick of time. But he had made it. That was the main point.

He heaved and vomited up bile on her doorstep while he waited for her to answer.

He felt so cold.

Roxas turned around when he heard the click of the door opening. He was still bent over, hands on thighs for extra support, and looking woeful.

"What are you doing being drunk on a workday, Roxas? Being an alcoholic was supposed to be a joke," came her irritated voice. "I'm going to make you hose that down in the morning, I'll have you know."

Roxas looked up at her. He felt woozy and staggered into her arms, leaning his entire weight against Xion. She protested but brought him in and helped to ease Roxas down onto her lounge. She looked him over without sympathy at first. But then she began to notice the discoloration of his face and swelling on his neck.

Her blue eyes widened in horror.

"Roxas!" She clasped her hands over her mouth.

Roxas just looked up at her, feeling pathetic, miserable and sick.

She ran into the kitchen, yelling 'Shit' over and over again. Roxas could hear her opening and slamming cupboard doors. She returned shortly with a bucket, which she placed at his feet, some bottles of water, and an ice pack.

Xion busied herself with uncapping the bottles and handing the ice pack to Roxas.

He took the pack, but didn't quite know where to press it, because everything just hurt.

"For your neck, dummy. You can't have that swelling up or you'll suffocate." Xion looked deathly worried. "I've gotta call the ambulance, Roxas. You need to get checked out. Who knows what damage could be going on beneath that." She placed a finger against her own neck for emphasis.

Her horrific concern turned to mighty rage. "I'm also gonna call the police!" She turned to leave but Roxas reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping her.

Roxas shook his head but then winced and grimaced. That motion aggravated his injury and caused the vile nausea inside himself to intensify.

"I don't care how much you love him, Roxas. This is abuse, and he deserves to be locked away for it. And I'm worried sick about you. You need to get this seen to!"

Roxas wheezed, trying to get the lump out of his throat. He tried again, and with great force labored through his short sentence, "Please don't."

His voice rasped and Xion winced with how painful it sounded.

"Don't talk. Here, let me get you something to write on."

Xion fetched him a writing pad and a pen so their dialogue could continue.

No police. No hospital. I'm fine.

"Like hell you are! You can't even talk!"

I'll be fine in a bit.

"You know you got strangled, right? That's what this is. It's no joke. You can't just brush this off like it's nothing. I can't believe he did that to you! You guys are supposed to be in love with each other! What the heck are you guys doing to each other? I told you to be careful around him."

I know x2. We got into an argument. I'll be leaving. You don't have to worry. I'm not going back to Axel. I know how serious this is.

Roxas frowned up at Xion.

"Damn straight you're not going back to him! This isn't normal. This isn't what 'getting into an argument' should ever look like."

Roxas pointed to his 'I know' in reply to Xion's outrage.

She seemed to calm down a little but still looked at Roxas with a frown, before sadness settled over her.

"Roxas, what the hell happened. How does an argument turn into this?" Xion touched the exposed part of his neck with soft fingertips. The bruising was bright and swelling up. When she had finished looking at the grotesque sight Xion returned the ice pack to cover the worst of it.

Roxas' eyes just welled up with tears. He shook his head, being a lot more careful this time around, and shrugged his shoulders. He couldn't even cry the way he wanted to. There was a burning need inside himself to howl with the brutal sadness he was feeling. He wanted to let this pain bleed out but all the could do was to keep it inside, because his sobs had nowhere to go right now.

"You're staying with me tonight, Roxas. If this gets any worse," she touched his neck again with tenderness, "I'm taking you to the hospital, or calling an ambulance. No matter what your wishes are."

Thank you, Xion 3

Roxas stayed with Xion over the next few days while she watched him like a hawk. She didn't go to work. She just stayed with Roxas and they played video games together. Whenever Roxas' cell phone buzzed they both ignored it.

None of the calls or text messages were even from Axel, but instead from Zack. So, so many were from Zack. Roxas presumed that they were all in relation to Axel, so he needn't bother answering them. Even if he had wanted to answer them he wouldn't have been able to talk much. His neck still looked dreadful and hurt even worse. He also reasoned with himself that if anything important were to come though it would be from Cloud.

Yet there was one short and succinct message which screamed for attention.

Z - 'Rox, I need to know you're alive or I will tell Cloud.'

He begrudgingly did respond to that one.

R - 'Yeah I'm alive, so leave me the fuck alone.'

That seemed to do the trick. Roxas' phone stopped buzzing and he was left alone.

But what he was left alone with was hideous.

His dreams were sickening nightmares filled with violence. He dreamed of drowning, he dreamed of burning alive. He dreamed of getting chased and hunted. He always dreamed of a steely grip around his throat. He always awoke unable to breathe due to sheer panic flooding him. That only caused him to relive the waking nightmare he had experienced days earlier.

When that happened Roxas had no hope of getting back to sleep. So he would steal out into Xion's backyard for some fresh air. Roxas had found a rusted pole in the bushes and used it to beat and pulverize the ground with it. He screamed in his head at how much he fucking hated Axel - Sephiroth - and his dad. He did this until he felt exhausted and then slunk back to bed and hoped for sleep to take him.

"Roxas, why are there so many holes in my lawn? I know it's not squirrels," Xion had asked him on the third day.

"I'm sorry," he muttered and had left it at that. Roxas' voice had returned, but he said hardly anything to help the recovery process, and Xion understood that.

She sighed in defeat. "I suppose it's better you hurt my garden than yourself or someone else. I don't want to see you get arrested after all. But leave my seashell collection alone. If you break any of them I'll be breaking you."

During the light of day Roxas was fine and didn't need an outlet for his frustrations. It was the nights - it was those nightmares - that made him all unreasonable and caused him to freak out. Roxas felt a sickening sympathy directed towards his brother. He felt disgusted that he now knew from first hand experience some of what Cloud had been through. His heart bled for Cloud and himself. Why couldn't they have had the easy life?

Besides wallowing in self pity, Roxas also spent a lot of time replaying the crazy evening in his mind.

He tried to recall what Axel had said. At some point all sound seemed to have just faded into the background and became noise. He tried to understand why the man had gotten so angry. Yet again Roxas had to wonder if Axel did love him. This felt more like hate and contempt, not love. It felt like they were both hurting each other and enjoying it because loving each other was too hard. It irked Roxas to be feeling this way.

Those thoughts brought tears to Roxas' eyes. He didn't hate Axel. Not really. But if Roxas could hate then it would be easier to leave. He felt stupid that he was still clinging on. Stupid that he still didn't want to go.

Xion seemed to pick up on this and cornered him over breakfast on the fourth day.

"Roxas, why are you still here?" she had meant it with a lot of love.

"I -," Roxas swallowed hard.

Xion just looked at him with her hardened gaze.

"Well?" was her impatient prompt.

Roxas chewed his toast, looking at anything that wasn't Xion.

"I've still got your promise in writing. It's on the notepad. Do you want me to go get it and read it out to you?"

Roxas shook his head, but she stormed off anyway, coming back in a few moments with the pad of paper in her hand.

Despite feeling disgruntled Roxas still smiled. Xion was such a mom.

She cleared her throat for dramatic impact and began reading, "I'll be leaving", she threw a hard look at Roxas. "You don't have to worry, I'm not going back to Axel," she looked at Roxas again, raising an eyebrow. "And this is my favorite bit, Roxas," she cleared her throat again. "I know how serious this is."

"So…" she prompted again.

"It's not so easy, Xion," Roxas began. When he kept his voice close to a whisper he could talk for longer. He felt like this might take a while, so he needed to prepare himself.

"I think I've been a terrible boyfriend to Axel. I've been really hard on him. I've been a coward and spineless and I've kept secrets."

"So?" she pressed again.

"I don't want to - I can't -." Roxas stopped himself. It was too early in the morning to cry.

But he needed to tell Xion something. Her piercing glare said it all.

He buried his head between his hands.

"I know, I know, Xion. Our relationship never got better after he hit me the first time. I thought we could fix things but I just couldn't let go of how pissed off I still feel about how he's treated me. I don't like what he's doing to me. I don't want to be the one telling him what to do, but he just doesn't understand that I'm scared of him. I don't like that he's forcing me to be this person I don't want to be."

"Then go, Roxas," urged Xion.

"If I leave it will break his heart. I - can't."

"Don't stay just because it makes someone else happy. If it leaves you feeling miserable it's a sign you need to go."

"I know that." He looked back up at her. "I don't want to be someone who keeps going back to the person that's hurt them most. But I get why it's so hard to say 'goodbye'. For some stupid reason I still love him. I don't even know why. After all he's done to me? I wish I could hate him, Xion. I wish I could do back to him what he did to me. But - I can't. It makes me sick to think about it. But maybe I need to learn. Maybe I need to figure out a way to hate him, and then I'll be free."

Roxas thought of Cloud, and how hate had set him free of Sephiroth's abuse. Roxas fought against his tears. He hated all the parallels he was seeing with himself and his brother of late.

"We're so broken," sobbed Roxas. The tears had finally come irrespective of what his wishes had been.

"I don't think there's anyone you could hate, Roxas. And that's a nice quality to have. Don't let Axel be the one to take that good thing away from you."

Xion lay a gentle hand on top of Roxas' one, and stroked him.

It pained Roxas to smile but he did anyway. He valued Xion's support in all this.

"You gave the relationship a good try, and that's all anyone can ever ask of anyone else. It's like - when you try to make a new soup from an old batch. You remember how good that stock was, and you want to re-create it, but nothing you do can freshen it up sometimes. Then you know you need to dump it. It's ok to let go of some stuff. Not all soup stocks are good, and not all relationships are good either. It's ok to go back to where you want to be. Axel made the mistakes. He's got to live with the consequences now."

An amused smile played on Roxas' lips. "You're so much like Sheng sometimes it's creepy," he finished with a chuckle.

"Oh shush, you," Xion swatted at him playfully.

"Thanks for that advice though. It's hard to let go. But you're right. I gave it a good crack. Maybe we were just never destined to be together after all. Maybe this soup needs to be dumped."

"Things in our memories are better off left there. That one's gratis."

"Oh, how generous. One of yours?"

"Nah, moms," Xion smiled.

Roxas, with a heavy heart, made the decision that he was going to leave. Xion had been supportive and kind enough to go around to his place and gather all Roxas' belongings. She also returned the key to Sora's parents. Roxas was bitter that he couldn't say goodbye to them in person. He hated that it seemed like he was always leaving this city in a rush. But he just couldn't risk anyone seeing him.

The marks on his neck were still visible. His throat and voice was still raw and hoarse, breaking from time to time if he spoke for too long. But other than that he hadn't received any more severe or permanent damage. Roxas considered himself fortunate in that regard.

It was so damn obvious what had happened though, and Roxas felt deep shame about it.

So on the fifth day after his attack from Axel, Roxas stood in Xion's hallway. It was a ridiculously early hour in the morning, but he had his bag packed and was ready to leave.

"Look after yourself, ok? Let me know when you get back to Wutai. I promise I'll come and visit you and my parents. I'll make more of an effort to stay in touch."

Roxas smiled. "I know your parents will appreciate that. Thanks for everything, Xion."

They gave each other a fond farewell hug and Roxas departed, at long last. He was finally heading towards where he felt most at home and where he belonged.

Roxas sped into the night, casting any thoughts of Axel far away as they rose and fell in his mind, like a sweeping tide. They brought him nothing but pain.

He did still have one final destination to visit before he completely left Radiant Gardens.

He went to Zack's place. He wanted to say goodbye to Zack and pass on a message to Cloud.

Roxas resented that the most about this whole situation; he couldn't say goodbye to his brother in person. He felt so desperate to see Cloud and not sneak away in the dark like a fugitive. But he had no choice.

So he waited outside of the warehouse, having texted Zack to meet him there. He didn't have to wait too long before he saw that familiar face emerge from Cloud's warehouse door.

Despite the stress of the last few days Roxas felt a flutter of delight at seeing Zack come out of Cloud's place. At least his brother had found his happy ending with Zack. It was good that one of them had a stable and healthy relationship. That provided some comfort for Roxas against the brutal reality he had been living of late.

"Shit, Roxas! It's so good to see you!"

Roxas was pulled into a firm hug against Zack's bare chest, but Roxas didn't feel like reciprocating. His arms hung loose and he frowned against Zack's skin.

Zack noticed and returned the frown once Roxas had been released. "I'm sorry I had to pull the 'I'm gonna tell Cloud' card on you but you had us worried sick about you! I didn't have a choice. You need to let the people who care about you know that you're alright."

Roxas felt ill at the word 'us'. Of course Zack had meant Axel. Of course Axel had called Zack and told him everything.

"You are alright though, yeah?"

Roxas gave Zack a deadpan stare.

"I'm leaving for Wutai in the dark of the night, without telling Cloud." Roxas spoke, rasping, but as steady as he could. "I'm also not talking like this out of fun. So what do you think?"

Roxas just cocked an eyebrow, pointedly.

Zack's face pulled into a grimace and a compassionate hand landed on Roxas' shoulder.

"I can't believe Axel lost it like that."

Roxas huffed. "I wish -," he cast his eyes down, feeling embittered. "I wish I had listened to you, all those years ago. You were right after all, Zack. He tore me down so hard. I should have been more careful. I - I wish I had never fallen so hard for him. It was so stupid of me. We're no good for each other."

Roxas was beginning to get sick of the tears that just kept rolling too readily these last few days.

"Ah geez, Rox."

Zack pulled Roxas once more into a firm and even bigger hug. Roxas felt a kiss land on his forehead.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I've told Cloud this and I will tell you too - What happened to you isn't your fault. Axel can wear that mantle of responsibility by himself." Zack's finger ghosted and caressed Roxas' tender neck and he huffed in disappointment.

Roxas saw the pain on Zack's face. That seemed to be the default expression to Roxas' situation; a deep felt resignation and pain.

"Why does he hate me, Zack?" whimpered Roxas, pressing his lips together so as not to cry.

"He doesn't."

"Then why are we hurting each other so much? Why's he keep lashing out at me like this?"

"I can't make excuses for him, Rox. We both know he's got a temper. But you have one too."

"You think it's my fault?" Roxas felt affronted by that remark.

Zack took a deep breath. "I think that it takes two to tango. A relationship is two people, Rox. You're both right, and you're also both wrong. You both chose each other for a reason."

"We're… both right… and wrong?" Roxas mulled that idea over in his head.

Zack nodded.

"Yeah, when you guys get together it's all fire and sparks. That's what more than likely drew you two together - what makes you guys good together. But it also makes you guys really bad together sometimes. If both of you are explosive it ends… well you know. But if one or both of you are mellow it seems to come out all sweet."

Roxas frowned. He didn't want to agree with Zack but he had to acknowledge that they definitely both had a temper. All the good things in their lives and how they were with each other - all that happened when they were in a good frame of mind. But when they were both hurt and upset - run for cover.

The crease on his brow only deepened.

"What should I do, Zack? I don't think we can fight our nature. I think we've been trying but it makes things worse. It's why I can't go back to him - this will just keep happening. We just… keep exploding. I'm so scared of reliving the same things from the past over and over again. I don't think we'll ever change. And it seems that every time Axel explodes it gets worse. I - I don't even want to think how bad the next time might be. I don't want a next time."

"So you're gonna run away." It wasn't said with any malice. It just seemed to be an observation.

Roxas chewed at his lip, and a hoarse "Yes," squeaked out of him.

Zack looked at him with a lot of love.

"I'm proud of you, regardless. Proud that you are standing up for yourself. Proud that you refuse to accept what he is dishing out. That behaviour isn't acceptable, and I'm glad you know it. You've grown up so much since I first met you at that park," smiled Zack. "I remember how suspicious you were of me. How much spunk you had. How you were able to reason with yourself and come to your own conclusion about me and whether to trust me or not. You've always had fight in you, Rox. You've always just seemed to instinctively know what's been the right choice for you. And that has, and will continue to serve you well in your life. So don't ask me what to do. Listen to your gut. Trust in yourself. You'll make the right decision for yourself."

Warmth welled inside of Roxas, and his brows knitted with tearful joy instead. He liked how Zack could just set him straight sometimes, and boost his confidence. "Thanks, Zack. I -," he sniffled. "I love you." He looked up into the other man's face and could see Zack's slight discomfort.

"Rox-."

"No - hear me out. I love you - but definitely not like how Cloud loves you. You make me so happy because you make Cloud happy."

Zack still looked uncomfortable.

"I'm just so glad that Cloud's got you, you know? And you make it so much more bearable for me to leave Cloud here with you. I know he'll be in very good hands."

The discomfort finally melted from Zack and the corners of his mouth lifted.

"Cloud makes me really happy too. I can't thank you enough for giving me his number."

Roxas smiled at Zack, despite the seeming taboo topic surfacing invitingly. Maybe they should talk about it. Roxas didn't want to leave this city with stuff unsaid.

"We never spoke about Wintersday. I know we're both fine with it but - I think I still need to say this; I'm sorry I made you kiss me. I misused our friendship. I betrayed Cloud. Axel's right; I am selfish."

"Wintersday was a bit crazy, wasn't it," Zack laughed nervously, rubbing at the back of his head. "But again, it takes two to tango. It's not like I didn't want to. You didn't force me to do anything. I chose. I think I tried to tell myself that it was the least I could do to thank you. But in truth I was sad and lonely. And I kissed you because I really like you too, Rox."

Roxas' heart swelled. "You always seem to know just what to say. You always manage to fix my broken family. Thank you for that." Roxas gave Zack a hug, which was reciprocated with a lot of warmth.

He muffled into Zack's neck, "I'm gonna miss you," and stepped away from Zack.

"I'm gonna miss ya too, buddy," Zack ruffled Roxas' hair.

"Can you tell Cloud I left. I don't want him to worry though. Just tell him I was super excited to get going. I kind of do want to see Yuffie and Selphie again in time for my birthday. I'll be in touch with him soon enough."

Zack nodded and Roxas made a slow move towards his bike.

"Roxas -."

"Yeah?"

"I - this might seem weird but - I think you should see Axel before you leave."

Roxas paused.

Zack was right. Roxas did find it incredibly weird. The thought of seeing Axel again actually scared him. The memory of those few nights ago was still too raw.

"You just told me to listen to my gut. And now you're backflipping? He strangled me. Why would I ever go back?" The hurt flared up in him once again and it came out as anger. The more he raised his voice the more it hurt. "He promised me he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but he did. I can't trust Axel any more. He's burned that bridge."

"You can't trust Axel, and I get that. But do you trust me?"

Roxas frowned.

"I don't want to change your mind, Rox. I don't want to get in the way of you leaving. I think it's good that you're finally going back to Wutai. Staying here for too long hasn't been making you happy, so don't think I'm asking you to stay. I just want you to give Axel a proper goodbye."

The frown only deepened.

"A proper goodbye?"

"There's a right and a wrong way to do this. I believe that if you leave like this it's going to be the wrong kind of goodbye. Axel is distraught over what he's done, and so he should be. Don't ever think I will excuse his actions. But I think that this is the end of the line for Axel. And - I don't want to guilt you into anything - but I'm actually scared for him. If you leave - without saying goodbye -."

Zack's face scrunched up in pain and settled back down into a grave expression, "Axel really needs you to say goodbye."

Roxas' body buzzed uncomfortably. He was angry at Axel. He began feeling angry towards Zack too. Having come to the decision to leave had been hard. And now it was getting even harder.

"You say you don't want to guilt trip me… but you are. What's that shit even supposed to mean? He 'really needs me to say goodbye'. And your 'scared for him'. You're not giving me much of a choice here."

"You always have a choice. Cloud and I will look after Axel when you're gone. So don't worry about it. I just think you should end things the right way."

Roxas groaned inwardly and sighed deeply.

"I'm not asking you to risk your life and go meet him all by yourself, Rox. I would never ask you to do something so reckless. That wouldn't be very responsible of me, now would it? We'll be smart about it. I'll come with you and I'll keep you safe if it looks like things might go a bit outta whack. So whaddya say?" Zack finished with an energetic and hopeful tone. The kind that could suck anyone into doing anything with Zack.

Roxas really hated this. He shouldn't have come to see Zack. He should have just gone.

"Fine," he grumbled and gave a disgusted pout.

Zack's relief was evident as he breathed out and his shoulders relaxed. "Thank you, Roxas! Just gimmie a minute. Let me change pants and put on a shirt and we'll bike it to Axel's place, together. Again, I'll keep you safe."

The man beamed a smile at Roxas and bounded back inside.

Roxas stayed still for five seconds after Zack disappeared before he changed his mind. He stalked away, headed for his bike and got the hell out of there.

He rode out towards the city limits, so he could get onto the interstate and head down south. Roxas had all his worldly possessions strapped to his back and bike. He was leaving nothing behind bar for the few people he loved and the bad memories of a failed experiment. He had tried to resuscitate the relationship but it was never going to work when that relationship had been founded on dreams and illusions.

Who falls in love with a kid in a hospital anyway? Who just puts their life on hold to go searching for someone they had only met once, briefly? Who would give themselves over so completely and blindly to someone else? Who went -. Roxas bit the inside of his cheek. Replace the hospital for a school and Roxas was describing himself.

Fuck.

Roxas also cursed Zack's words to him. What had Zack even meant by 'end of the line'? Doubt crept into Roxas' heart. His resolve to abscond wavered. His love for Axel was like a pilot light, after all. The fire and passion within him would grow and diminish, but it never went out completely.

Roxas thought it weird how calm Zack had been about Roxas' whole situation. When he had gone to Zack after the slap, the man had reacted with a lot more outrage. This was far worse than a slap in the face. Axel had probably said something to Zack to curtail the outrage. Axel had probably manipulated the situation to get Zack on board. Gave the man a sob story to make it out like Roxas was the bad guy in this whole thing.

Roxas did trust Zack though. He didn't think Zack to be stupid to fall for Axel's lies. There must be a valid reason for Zack's calm and pleas to end things 'the right way'.

He wished he could stop thinking about this.

He wished his heart would just turn to stone and that he could free himself of caring.

Roxas groaned deeply as he gave himself an ultimatum. He made a sharp left and changed his heading.

He wouldn't go see Axel. But he would go to the clock tower. One final time. If Axel was there, so be it. If he wasn't - Roxas wouldn't think on it further. Axel had gone too far. He didn't leave Roxas with any other choice but to leave him, and Zack was right. Roxas wasn't responsible for that redhead's temper and actions, and he refused to blame himself for it.

It was five in the morning and the sky above was growing lighter by the minute. Roxas had lingered at Zack's warehouse too long. He had hoped to be well out of Radiant Gardens by the time first light had arrived, but now it was just around the corner.

He parked his bike a block from the tower and walked the deserted streets. The closer the tower loomed the more nervous he felt.

Roxas began his final ascend of this familiar rickety staircase to the top. His thoughts drifted to memories of the past.

It had been their final day together, and Roxas hadn't even known, until he was ripped from Axel by his brother. Roxas thought about how that had been one of the kindest things Axel could ever have done for Roxas. It had hurt, but in the end it also had led to better things for himself. Axel was capable of doing the right thing. He was capable of being selfless.

Affection within himself swelled for Axel as his feet continued pushing him upwards.

He thought about when he had returned here for the second time. So full of jitters and uncertainty. His self doubt and guilt had been rife. But Axel had been there in the end. A beacon. Roxas had felt like he had found that missing piece which would make his home in Wutai more complete.

But he had failed in merging the two together. He had failed because his needs and Axel's needs were chasms apart from one another. Axel had a career here, and Roxas just wanted to go back home. But Roxas had stayed. Because he was someone who was far better at making others happy than he had ever been at doing the same for himself.

How could he ever ask Axel to leave everything behind to be with him? Roxas wouldn't be able to live with himself, knowing that someone he loved was miserable. But by not talking to Axel it had just made both of them miserable together. Roxas had heard that at least. Axel felt miserable because of Roxas, and it squeezed fresh tears out of Roxas' eyes the more he thought of those pained words.

That misery had caused the hitting. It had caused the resentment, and the gulf between them. All those things were far worse than never seeing each other again. And that's why he thought it best to just leave.

But he wasn't leaving. Was he?

Roxas' frown just deepened as he continued to trudge upward.

He never wanted to ever be set upon like that again, by anyone. That's why he had come up here that third time. To lay the ground rules. He had felt desperate to reconcile with Axel. He had wanted the man in his life. And it had seemed to work. Those following three months had been fantastic, for Roxas at least. But he had still failed to let Axel in on his grand plans. He had still failed to find the courage to ask Axel to move away with him. Roxas regretted that the most. He should have just left at that point, and not lingered. If he couldn't be brave he should have just gone away.

He thought about the words he did manage to hear Axel speak through the ringing in his ears, those few nights ago. Roxas had been happy with their arrangement, but he somehow unwittingly had left Axel out of the equation. It made Roxas even more anxious about bringing up the 'move to Wutai' thing with the other man. Would Axel perceive this as another attack or encroachment on Axel's life? Would this be yet another example of how Roxas was being selfish and imposing his own will?

Roxas stilled his upward movement. Frozen with fear.

Axel had been the one who wronged him though. Axel had been the one to take it too far and crossed the line that should never be crossed. So Roxas had felt justified in his boundary setting. And he still felt that way. Could Axel, in good conscience, blame Roxas now for wanting to be careful? For needing distance and protection from him? Roxas thought there was no way Axel couldn't agree, considering what the man had done to him.

So he resumed his upward trajectory.

Now he was making his fourth and final journey up there. Roxas was never going to come back. He would never ascend these stairs again. It was a fact. He would still come back to Radiant Gardens, because this is where Cloud and Zack would stay - a thought which made Roxas happy beyond belief. But for himself there would be no other reason to ever come back. Xion would come see him in Wutai, and Roxas could always go to Midgar to see Sora and Riku.

There was nothing to stay in Radiant Gardens for anymore.

If Axel was up there, and once again, why should he be up here on this particular day, at this particular time? - then Roxas would say goodbye. And if he wasn't he would leave Axel's key, which he still carried with him for some stupid reason.

His mind was set, his heart was pounding against his chest, and he felt clammy all over. He was terrified of what he would find.

This was another spectacular stupid idea.

The final five steps up were the hardest. The door felt colder and heavier than it ever had before, as he leaned against it to push it open. The air outside whipped around him and bit into him far harsher than he expected. He felt like the tower was angry at him.

His legs felt like lead as he shuffled towards his destination.

His heart sank when he rounded the corner.

He felt bitter and disappointed.

What kind of a joke was life having at Roxas' expense?

He had wanted to let go of the man. Find the easy way out. He would come up here, leave the key and go. But Axel was fucking there. Why was he always - fucking - there?! Did the man spy on him? Was he always following Roxas around? His brother did work in security after all. But no. It was only ever one thing.

Destiny.

Despite the morning summer breeze, which was like a mighty gale up there, he felt cold. Roxas pulled his riding jacket close around himself. Partly due to the cold, but also to ward away the uncomfortable feelings welling up inside.

He had a choice now.

He could still run away.

Axel didn't know he was here. For all Roxas knew Axel might already have thought that Roxas had left. But he had made this trade-off with himself. And clearly someone out there wanted the two of them to either kill each other or to live happy ever after. Roxas really hoped for the latter.

He swallowed down the fear. He swallowed down the feeling of his throat constricting and collapsing. He pushed the memory of ice cold hands against his throat, away.

He took a wary step forward.

"Do you live up here or something?" Roxas made sure to have his voice sound as raspy as possible. He wanted Axel to feel bad, and he wasn't ashamed of it.

Axel's sunken head shot up and he whirled around to look at the speaker. Roxas' heart broke at the sight of the man. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked incredibly pale. The genuine surprise and relief that danced on Axel's face was overwhelming.

Axel moved swiftly. Gracefully and effortlessly he lifted his tall, thin frame up from the wall and rushed towards Roxas.

"Roxas! You're still here!" came the man's raw and quaking voice.

Roxas shrunk back in alarm. Panic seized him and arms stretched out in front of himself defensively. His hands clenched into fists involuntarily, and Roxas tucked his head into his chest for protection.

That response made Axel stop dead in his tracks. He grimaced and plunged his hands deep into his jean pockets.

"Shit, Roxas. I can't even begin to apologize to you."

"Then fucking don't. I don't want or need your apologies anymore, Axel. We have moved so beyond that now. I've come to say goodbye. That's all I'm up here for." Roxas kept his arms up to ward off any attempts Axel might make to move closer to him. He kept his head down but eyes up, watching every move Axel made, with great caution.

Axel stood rooted in place for a long while though, eyebrows knitted together in hurt and thought.

Roxas' words had winded him, and all his blood felt like it was sinking to the bottom of his feet.

"Goodbye?"

"Yeah. I'm not putting up with this anymore. I've had enough, and I'm leaving," Roxas squeezed out past the sob which threatened to spill if he thought too hard about his heartache. The longer he stayed up here the more at risk he was of caving in.

"So," Axel began slowly, "there's no point in me telling you how truly sorry I am? How I swear to you that I will never hurt you again, as I live and breathe?"

Roxas shook his head. "Your words don't mean anything, Axel. Look what you fucking did to me!" Roxas pulled at his jacket to reveal his neck to the redhead. "Your words are empty, so just leave it."

Tears welled.

He didn't want to hear any more promises and lies. He had steeled his heart against all pleas of leniency and forgiveness.

Axel's lips pressed into a thin and bitter line.

His brow only furrowed deeper. Roxas could barely look at the other man. He hated seeing how upsetting this was for Axel. It was pretty upsetting for himself as well. He didn't want to go through with this but it was for the best.

He breathed in deeply, "Goodbye, Axel."

Roxas' insides shook. He squeezed against his quivering lip, and turned towards the clock tower to descend and slip out of Axel's life forever.

"Roxas!" his name was called in great desperation.

It stilled Roxas' footfalls, but he couldn't turn around to look at Axel.

"Please just stay… for a little bit."

"Why? There's nothing left to say," croaked Roxas, gritting his teeth in bitter pain.

"Can I at least answer your question and tell you why I'm always up here? Why this clock tower is my favorite place in this city?" Axel pleaded.

Axel seemed so desperate to be heard and acknowledged. Roxas knew he was also desperate for an excuse to stay.

He turned back around, face drawn tight.

Not talking was what had gotten them into this mess. He wanted a way out of this with all his heart. He wanted them to have a second chance, or a third, or fourth, as pathetic as that was. He gave Axel a minute nod, but remained poised to run.

He didn't trust Axel, and that stabbed him fiercely in his chest.

"Thank you, Roxas." Axel tried for a smile, but it fell flat. He seemed so exhausted.

Axel turned away. He wanted Roxas to feel safe and so returned to his seat on the wall, adding, "Feel free to push me off if you want. I know I deserve it."

Axel didn't hear a sound behind him, so he thought it safe for the time being that Roxas wouldn't take him up on the offer.

He breathed in heavily. "I come here so often because this clock tower is old and forgotten. It's just a cheap replica of its bigger and better original. No one even sees this tower anymore. No one even hears it. The bells are in disrepair, and it only chimes at every even hour. It's completely useless and only here for ornamental purposes."

It was so much like himself it made Axel sick some days.

"I come up here to remind myself of all those things."

Axel pulled his knees close to his chest and just stared out at the sunrise for a little while. It was growing more bright and dazzling by the minute, just like Roxas. He loved them both so much.

"I don't like that you think I don't love you. It makes me sick that you feel I don't mean what I say. I've loved you for longer than we have ever know each other. I can't bare the thought that you don't believe me. I can't stand that I've done shit to make you doubt my love for you."

He had felt such overwhelming disgust with himself over the things he had done.

"All my life I was never good enough. I thought that's who I would always be, so I stopped giving a shit about others. But then you came along."

"When I first met you I was so happy. I felt seen and heard. I felt like I could be important and precious to someone. That was a meaningful realization for me. That actually meant something to me. And it all stemmed from that one selfless action you took. You became the world to me. I know it sounds stupid, since I only spent a week in that hospital with you, but - that's what happened."

That memory always warmed him. It always fueled and spurred him onward through any difficult task he ever had to face.

"Losing you made me crazy, but I found a way to cope. Sure - it wasn't the most constructive or socially acceptable way, but I made do." Axel chuckled in amusement at the back of his throat thinking about how dysfunctional he had been in his teenage years.

He mellowed out and sighed. "I think what made me so crazy was that I thought I would never see you again. I looked but found nothing. It's like you never even existed. But I had proof, and I held on to that proof, but you already know that." Axel glanced over his shoulder to give Roxas a weak smile and to make sure he was still there.

Roxas hadn't evaporated into thin air just yet. He was listening attentively, with arms folded across his chest. Axel was relieved.

"I do know that. Get to your point," rasped Roxas impatiently.

Axel turned back towards the sunrise, hunching in on himself in response to Roxas' reprimand, like a shamed puppy.

It hurt to have Roxas snap at him like that. But he had broken the love of his life. He had nearly killed Roxas. The image of Roxas passed out on his floor haunted him. He had tried so desperately to do CPR, and it had worked. If it hadn't though… Axel couldn't bare to think about it. Tears stung his eyes. The terrible disgust of what he had done clung to him like manure, and sullied everything he touched.

Axel had burned with so much inward directed anger and hate over the past five days, he felt he had almost burned himself out completely. If Zack hadn't been there to talk to he didn't know where he'd be right now. Probably dead in a gutter, he berated himself. He was a revolting and worthless piece of weak shit.

Axel took a deep trembling breath, "And then you actually came back into my life. It was really actually you. There, in that dumb school, with that dumb black hair of yours. I wasn't one-hundred percent sure until I received your present, but I think a part of me always knew it was actually you." That memory did manage to bring a smile out.

Roxas had caught his eye the instant Axel had set foot in that kitchen. Nothing about Roxas had matched up with Axel's memory of the blonde, drugged up, cabbage patch kid he had spent so much time searching for. Nothing except for Roxas' eyes. Those had sung to him the most.

"You became important and precious to me. But even then - you never remembered me - not until our last night together. And even then I don't think you remember that time in the hospital. And I don't blame you for that. I know how drugged up you were."

Axel grew quiet again.

"I told you what my favorite color is and why," muttered Roxas.

Axel felt bitterly sad. "I know. But I still wish it had been different. I still wish I had left a bigger impression on you, the way you left one on me."

Roxas' eyes drifted to the sunrise. The world was beginning to get bathed in a warm glow, but he still felt the cold chill within himself. He already knew everything Axel was telling him. He didn't need to be reminded of it. He didn't wish to remember of how unlikely their reunion had been. He didn't wish to think of how entwined their lives were. It would make leaving Axel just all the more difficult.

A part of Roxas became annoyed when he thought about Axel telling him all this to possibly manipulate him into staying. He wouldn't put it past the man. And he hated having such a low opinion of Axel. But despite all that he couldn't, and didn't want to leave just yet. He wanted to continue hearing the man out. That pilot light just never switched off.

"And then you left again. At that point I actually thought that you would never come back to someone so tired and forgettable as me." Axel's voice was so thin and worn. "It's not that I didn't trust you, or think you were someone who wouldn't keep his word. I just really felt like I wasn't worth your while. I wouldn't come back for me if I had been in your position."

"I told you to go live your life. I wanted you to see all the better things in life, so that if you did come back it was because I was important to you."

Axel's voice grew smaller and the wind seemed to become louder. Roxas was forced to move a little closer so he could still hear.

Those years without Roxas had felt like an eternity to Axel. He couldn't bare going through that again, but there was no way of keeping Roxas close to him if he didn't want to stay - if he didn't want to have Axel around.

He didn't want Roxas to be miserable. Having watched Roxas' energy and love for life and for Axel fade away had been a slow and sickening death in its own right. Axel thought he would rather die knowing Roxas was happy somewhere without him, rather than force Roxas to stay around in misery with him. He loved Roxas that much.

"I came up here every day because this was the last place we were together. The last place I was happy. But this place also reminds me of all my failings. It reminds me of why I am alone, and why I keep messing up all my chances to be with you. I come up here to be alone with my misery. And each day that passed and you weren't here just confirmed my fears."

Axel threw his head back again to look at Roxas. "That bet I made with Zack - to be honest - I thought it was an extremely fair one. Both of us were in the same boat."

He turned back to give Roxas some space.

Axel had visited Zack so much, particularly that first year. He had tried to bury his pain in the pursuit and chase of getting into Zack's pants or getting the other man to make out with him, but Zack had always refused. Axel had seen Zack sleep around and even date a few people, but he had always refused Axel. It had irritated him, but also distracted him from the gaping Roxas shaped hole in his heart.

"There was always a high chance that Cloud would never come back. And if he didn't come back chances were also really high that you would stay with him." Axel's voice came out stilted, "Zack and I were so sure that we had lost the love of our lives."

"But you did come back. You appeared out of nowhere, shouting my name. I could have died of happiness," he oozed with warmth.

Roxas couldn't possibly miss the smile he heard in those words.

"I thought we could just get back to where we had left off. I selfishly didn't want anything to have changed between us. The reason I didn't want to see the grown up you is because only the past you would need me. The past you was who needed an outlet and escape. He didn't know any better because of his overprotective brother. He wouldn't be able to compare me to the bigger and better versions, like Zack, because he had never actually met anyone but pathetic me."

Axel paused again for a while. He had clung on too tightly to wanting to preserve everything they had possessed in the past. Axel had been able to see what he was doing but he hadn't been able to stop himself. He had been too scared to try a different approach. He had been too scared of losing Roxas.

A sad frown grew on Roxas' face.

"If I acknowledged that you had grown up, and grown into the even more amazing and beautiful person than you were when I first met you, I'd definitely lose you. Because why would anyone as good as you choose to stay with a complete dick like me? And I'm right. I am losing you. No - I have lost you." Axel grew angry. "You're here to tell me to fuck off. You're here to tell me you're leaving, and even now you're just listening to me to make me feel better. To make me feel like I could possibly change your mind and change what's about to happen here. But your mind's made up."

Axel felt his arms tremble with upset. He huffed in resignation. What was the point of fighting the inevitable?

"I've only got my own stupidity to blame for that. You lived your life well. And you met all these amazing people, whom I can never even hold a candle against their bright light. I just get drowned out. And that's the story of my life. Never good enough. Always forgotten." Axel winced in pain. "Everything in your life is just so much better than anything I could ever offer you. Some days I wonder if you even came back for me. Or just for your brother - or for Zack."

Axel's voice came out brittle and pained. It dug into Roxas heart.

"I feel so second rate compared to everyone else in your life. And you do a pretty good job of making me feel that way too. Making sure that I know how more important everything and everyone else is. I can just sit and wait for you, like a dog waiting for their owner to come and pick them up from the doggy daycare. You treated me like dirt, Roxas, and loved me when it was convenient for yourself." Axel's stomach clenched tight.

Roxas inhaled sharply, as if wounded.

"That's why I get jealous. That's why I didn't want you to spend so much time with everyone who wasn't me. I was - and still am - scared. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I tried to preserve what we had. I tried to preserve and keep you how you used to be, because that's the only way how you would ever want to stay by my side."

Axel's voice began to rise with ferocity and upset, "But it only drove you further away from me. I'm sorry that you mean so much to me. I'm sorry that my doubts smothered you. I held on too tight to a fantasy. And now you are leaving and going back to Wutai. Because - why wouldn't you? I fucked up. I hurt you. Not just once. Not even twice," he slammed his fist down in the clock tower wall, which caused Roxas to tense up.

"I hurt you so many countless times because of my insecurities. I can't even believe I did all those things myself. I fucking promised you I'd never hit you again. And I didn't - but I did something much, much worse. It makes me sick! It breaks my heart. It's the final nail in our coffin." Axel sniffed loudly and wipe at his face with his arm.

He snapped his head around to look at Roxas. The movement startled Roxas, causing him to jump back a little. This only deepened the frown on Axel's brow. He never wanted Roxas to be scared of him. Axel just failed at so many goddamn things.

"What I've done to you is inexcusable. If you want me to throw myself off this tower I will do it. I'd rather be dead than hurt you again. I'd rather be dead than live without you. You just have to say the word." Axel jumped up and stood on the ledge, ready to take the last step backwards.

Roxas could hear the earnestness in Axel's words. He didn't want what Axel was offering him though.

"There you go again blowing things out of proportions and being melodramatic. I don't want you dead, Axel. I -." Roxas stopped himself from giving his default response. The one that wanted to smooth everything over and hide away in a blanket of love and false security. He didn't want for Axel to get the easy way out of this. He wanted Axel to stew for a bit. "Get off the ledge, Axel. You're making me nervous."

Blue and green looked at each other as birds began chirping far below in the freshly arrived dawn. Axel searched Roxas' eyes before he stepped off the ledge and back onto solid ground. His motions were far slower and more deliberate now. He lowered himself down on the wall, and faced Roxas.

"I know I'm being selfish saying this but… please… just hear me, Rox. Hear me in your heart," Axel placed his hand over his chest, "and not just your head. I don't want to live without you, Rox. I know the last… half a year hasn't been good - for either of us. But despite all that shit I still want us to be together. I know we can make it work. I know we've had such good times between all the crap. If we take more care, and if we look out for one another we can make it work. We can make it better. I am willing to do anything for you. I don't want you to abandon me and go back to Wutai," whimpered Axel. He wore a pained expression on his face and his body tensing in on itself.

This was his final plea. He wanted Roxas to be happy but he just had to try, one final time, to win happiness for the both of them.

Roxas felt a knot forming in his still raw throat. "How -," he only just managed to get it out above a whisper.

"I've known since Wintersday. I overheard Naminé and Sora talking at your party," muttered Axel with eyes cast to the ground.

He seemed crushed by it, and Roxas' heart ached out of sheer guilt. That had been almost six months ago.

"I went to look for you - to hear it from your own mouth. I felt so hurt, Rox." Axel's eyes drifted up, reaching out towards him. "Why wouldn't you trust me enough to tell me? Why do I have to hear it from someone else? Why was I the last to know? But - It's probably my fault." Axel's eyes sunk back down to the ground. "I hurt you. I can see that you're scared of me. And I hate that. I wish I could take it all away. Undo the past. But I only made it worse. So I don't even blame you for not telling me. I never envisioned that our lives could be anywhere but here in Radiant Gardens. I just wanted you to live with me and we'd wing it through the rest of our lives, together. Maybe I should have asked you, instead of just assuming shit. And I was going to. That night..."

Axel's nose scrunched up in pain. "But I saw you and Zack, sitting outside on the bench."

A dense lump formed in Roxas' stomach, making him feel sick. Everything grew cold and hard inside himself. Roxas opened his mouth to say something but all words died inside himself. He felt like such an awful piece of shit.

"I saw the way you two looked at each other. I saw how you kissed. It drove me mad. But I believed in you. I believed that you would tell me, and assure me that it meant nothing. So I didn't burn the place down. I didn't cause a fuss, because I had promised you that I wouldn't embarrass you in front of your friends. I told myself that it was just you being stupid and kind, because that's the guy you were and the guy I fell in love with."

That sight had lit a roaring fire inside Axel's belly at the time. The memory of it was causing him to tremble right now. He had been poised to go out there and smash Zack's stupid face in - but he had refrained. He had loved Roxas enough to not charge out there blindly. Roxas never appreciated all the good things Axel ever did. Roxas just took Axel for granted. He bit his lower lip to try and calm himself, but it wasn't working too well.

Accusation and agony erupted in Axel's eyes as he looked up.

It burned a hole into Roxas' heart. Roxas could see the pain and roaring firestorm within bright green.

"But you never told me. None of it. Not after we had that incredible fuck - not any days following. I asked you if you were happy with me - with us. You fucking lied to my face. Why wouldn't you tell me stuff like that? Have I really treated you so badly? You need to tell me how to make it better, Roxas. I - I can't read your fucking mind. I need us to make this better. But when you don't tell me shit you make me feel like I mean nothing to you. But you still mean the world to me, Roxas. Even if I get forgotten by the world like this stupid tower," he smashed his fist against the wall once more, "- even if I mean nothing to anyone else - as long as I'm important to you I can get through anything. Being important to you was the only thing that ever mattered to me."

Roxas couldn't find the words he desperately wanted to say. His mouth just hung open.

He finally saw the picture of himself that Axel had accurately painted in his own mind. Roxas hadn't put Axel first in his heart. He had been selfish, and cowardly. He had been too focused on Cloud and Zack. He had been too focused on all the other people in the world, because… because what? Because he took Axel for granted. Roxas could finally see the hurt he himself had inflicted upon Axel. Roxas finally saw himself as the despicable prick he really was.

Roxas took a deep breath wanting to say something, anything, but nothing eventuated.

He finally felt the gravity of his miscommunication. Feeling like a 'somebody' was always important to Axel. For all the brave talk Axel had always done - telling Roxas that he didn't care about anyone but himself - he was still extremely vulnerable. Roxas knew that, and Roxas hadn't been considerate. Instead he had used it as fuel to stoke the fire in their fights.

Roxas knew he was the most important person to Axel, and he had abused that privilege. For Roxas to not share something as pivotal as where their future together lay would have been soul crushing. Roxas wanted to disappear into the earth from the shame he felt right at this moment.

He finally comprehended where the rift had occurred. Roxas was every bit to blame for their falling apart as Axel was. He couldn't play the innocent victim. They were both right, and wrong.

Roxas curled in on himself in pain. He hid his face in the palms of his hands. He couldn't look at Axel. He couldn't bare to have Axel look at him either. He was an awful and disgusting human being.

"I am so sorry," he squeaked into his hands. "You're right. Of course you're right. I should have told you. I wanted to tell you so many times - but - I was just so scared to tell you."

"Scared of what?"

"The way you talked about us living in this city - like you had planned out our entire life together - I - I was scared that you would be giving up your life and happiness to be with me, and that you would then resent me."

"Like the way you resent me for having to stay in Radiant Gardens?" Axel's voice was a lot closer than where it had come from even a moment ago.

Roxas gave a minute nod into his hands. "Yes." He couldn't stand to have Axel's beautiful eyes see him right now. He still felt terribly ashamed.

Axel let out a huff of air through his nose. "There you go again, being a sacrificial lamb. I wish you had just told me."

Axel hated seeing Roxas upset. He hated that Roxas always put everyone else's feelings before his own. He wished for Roxas to put himself first. But then that wish had actually happened and caused Axel to get shafted. It was all really confusing. He didn't know how they could both be happy, but he desperately wanted it to happen.

But right now he thought it best to just focus on explaining himself. He needed Roxas to understand that staying in Radiant Gardens was never a condition for them staying together.

"I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. After I did my planning and scheming to lock Seph up for you I needed to pass the time somehow. I only took the job with that fossil so I had something to do. I only worked there so I wouldn't go crazy waiting for you. And don't forget, I got it into my stupid head that you wouldn't come back. So I wanted to build something for myself, just in case," Axel shrugged his shoulders.

"Sometimes I even thought that you would come back, but only to give me an instant goodbye. I figured you'd probably have felt bad thinking I'd wait for you forever. And you know, you'd be right thinking that. It's something I would totally have done. I'd waiting for you up here in my old age, climbing up the stairs with my zimmer frame. I'd have started at sunset to get up here by sunrise. But then I thought that I should just lobby the government to install an elevator," Axel chuckled and threw out a smile, despite Roxas still having his head buried in his little hands. He thought he had caught Roxas shaking lightly. He hoped it was out of laughing at Axel's stupidity, and not out of feelings of guilt or sadness.

Axel couldn't help himself. He reached out.

Roxas felt something tussle his hair. It was like the touch he had received in the school's kitchen so long ago. Flutters stirred in his gut, and mingled with the sickness he was feeling from being an awful prick.

Axel breathed out gently. Roxas was just so adorable. It filled Axel with a mixture of sickness and fond affection. He really hoped they could turn this around somehow. He really hoped Roxas would change his mind. "So anyway I imagined that you would come around one day and just tell me to live my life, like I had told you to live yours."

"Somehow I began believing that this would be the only reason I would ever see you again. You'd have come to tell me that you were letting go of us, because it would be the kindest thing to do." Axel sighed, "And then you were up here with me. But you kissed me. Oh god, Rox… how you kissed me." Axel's heart swelled with desire, and his body filled with shivers of pleasure at the memory. "You don't know how that made me feel. Everything I ever worried about melted away like the pools of ice cream I had been dripping down to the ground for years."

"That job only made me happy while I didn't have you. I was always happy and prepared to leave at the drop of a hat if you said so, Roxy. You are my happiness. I don't care where I live or what I do, as long as you're by my side. I don't know why you'd ever doubt that. But I'll work hard to never have you be unsure again, if you'll let me."

Roxas felt weak from all these revelations. He felt so fucking stupid for all the assumptions he had ever made. He dug his fingernails into his skin as punishment.

"Roxy," breathed Axel. "Can I give you a hug?"

Roxas' heart fluttered to life with nerves and something else. He gave a slight nod, still not being able to pry his hands away from his face.

A warmth spread through him at last and he felt arms wrap around him tenderly.

Roxas melted into the touch and let himself linger in Axel's embrace for a few moments. He had missed Axel's smell. He had missed Axel's warmth. He had missed the way Axel breathed. The terror of that angry and heated night could never be forgotten. But maybe it could be forgiven.

Roxas pulled away once he felt himself become too comfortable.

The fear he had felt towards Axel had somehow dissipated. He carefully released his face to reveal his guilt and shame blazing across his cheeks.

There was still pain in gorgeous green eyes, but also fondness.

Zack was right. When they were both calm they could face anything together. They could repair this. Roxas wanted to believe it more than he ever believed anything in his life.

So he needed to clear his conscience.

"The thing with Za-"

Axel shook his head and raised a finger wanting to dismiss Roxas' words. "I don't need to hear it. Once Cloud came back into the picture I tried to forget whatever there might have been between you and Zack."

"But you deserve to know."

"I already know it."

Roxas thought Axel looked excessively sad.

"Tell me if this sounds right to you." Axel pulled the fresh air into his lungs and looked pensive as he spoke, "Zack is a great guy. I was treating you unfairly. I did things to you that no one should ever do to someone they claim to love. I understand why you might be drawn to him. I'm not happy about it. But I get it. There is also the stuff about you being a dumb sap, always needing to make others feel better. Zack was hurting and pining, and you're the closest thing he could get to Spiky. So you did the one thing you knew would make him happy."

That's the story Axel had told himself. He hadn't been able to bring it up with Zack. He would have gotten too angry with the handsome prick. He figured he could hear it from Roxas though.

"That's - only half the truth, Axel." Roxas cast his eyes to the ground. "I wasn't being completely selfless. You always think the best of me. Like I'm a saint, but I'm not. I'm not that good and pure. I really wanted to kiss Zack, out of my own selfish needs and wants. I - I don't want to put this on you or blame you but," Roxas took a deep breath. "All your paranoia kind of… made me think about it more, somehow. And that night I just didn't think about anything but myself really. I didn't even think about Zack. I didn't think about what he might want or how he might feel about it."

Roxas noticed how he had tensed up at admitting his deep shame to Axel. He was expecting some sort of a backlash. A flare of anger and hatred thrust towards him - but nothing came. Roxas ventured a quick peek at Axel. He found green eyes cast out to the side, and his face pressed into sharp thin lines.

"Thank you for telling me," Axel said quietly. So there was a bit more to it than Roxas just being a selfless kitten. Axel couldn't fault him too much for that.

Roxas felt terrible.

"What was it like?" Axel threw out casually.

"I - can't really say. It wasn't anything amazing. Just… soft and warm."

"No tongue?"

"No tongue," Roxas blew amused air out of his nose and rolled his eyes slightly.

"Well that's kind of disappointing to hear. I always imagined Zack to be an amazing kisser. But he never gave in to me."

Roxas smiled, and ventured another glance at Axel. He found the green eyes resting on him, which caused his cheeks to warm.

"I think he saves all his best kisses for Cloud," chuckled Roxas.

Axel gave him a lopsided smile. He wanted to touch Roxas so badly. To ruffle his hair some more, to hug him and kiss him. But he didn't. He had hurt Roxas so much already. It would probably take time to rebuild the trust between them.

Instead Axel just drank up that warm summer sun which was Roxas' smile. It always nourished him. Roxas was the sunshine of Axel's life.

The air between them felt better.

Roxas breathed in deeply, feeling the cold chill burn against his damaged throat. They had hurt each other so badly. Roxas never wanted this to happen ever again.

"You actually think your not important to me? You think anyone could ever take your place? You put me on this path, Axel. You made me believe in myself, and in the good I could do for others. You believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. You will always be important to me. I should have found a way to show it to you more."

Roxas' eyes meandered down to rest on Axel's chest as he became lost in his thoughts and the words he needed to say.

"We both know that we got off on the wrong foot. We thought that life hadn't moved on and changed us, but it did. You only saw me how I once was and that was wrong. Thank you for acknowledging that. But I'm at fault too. I should have spoken up sooner. I should have trusted you more and tried to understand you and your baggage. But I guess I was naive and didn't think that we would ever have any problems."

"But we did." Roxas felt burdened by all the things he had never said to Axel. "I felt like you were actively trying to sabotage the person you helped me to become. I've grown into someone who wants to help people, but not at the expense of myself and my own happiness. I've learned a lot about putting myself first, and I have you to thank for that." His eyes flicked up to meet Axel's briefly.

"But I also don't want that to be at the expense of you and us. We need to learn to compromise. To give and take. I'm sorry that I come across as… what did you call it?"

"God's fucking Gift to the World," Axel said gently.

"Yeah, that. I'm sorry that I don't take your pain and your life experiences serious sometimes. You're right. I need to respect you more. Need to show you more love and compassion. You're a privilege in my life, not a right."

It warmed Axel to hear those words. Roxas was always more clever. Roxas could lead them down the path of both being happy and caring towards each other.

Roxas' throat was becoming exceedingly sore, but he still had so many things that needed to be said.

"I flipped the tables on us after you hit me. I - I know I did all the terrible things you had done to me. I treated you how you had treated me. You really fucking hurt me, Axel. So I felt like everything I did was justifiable. I was only thinking about me and what was right for myself. I was selfish. You're right. And that just stuffed us up even more. I just couldn't -." Roxas stopped himself. "I didn't want to see it. I had painted this rosy picture in my head, where everything was fine. I was in control and in charge and everything was fine. And you just had to abide by my rules. It was so fucking stupid," he chastised himself.

"I hope you know how stubborn I can be by now, Axel. When I felt myself get pushed in one direction by you it pissed me off so much that I pulled in the complete other direction. But that was wrong of me. I don't ever want to do that again. I don't want either of us to ever do that to each other again. I also don't want you to feel second rate, because that isn't where you stand in my heart."

Axel's expression only continued to soften in response to Roxas' words.

"You're right, you know? I'm pretty full of myself. Where you don't think you're worth much, I feel like I'm worth a lot. And I treated you badly because of that. It makes me sad to know you don't feel worthwhile though. It makes me so sad that you thought I wouldn't come back for you," and Roxas could feel the tears welling up inside himself. "You so totally are worthwhile, Axel. You are sweet, and thoughtful, and passionate and so god damn sexy." Roxas had found himself getting lost in the sight of Axel, standing across from himself. It ripped him apart to know that Axel was so fragile and had such a low opinion of himself.

"Flattery will get you everywhere with me, Roxy," a tender finger skidded down Roxas' cheek, causing Roxas to smile weakly.

Roxas saw the growing fondness in Axel's eyes. Roxas became flooded and wracked with guilt.

"Don't - Don't look at me like that, Axel." He cast his eyes back down." I don't deserve it. I - I forgot about you. I want - no - I need you to know that. I was so busy living my own life - I was so busy doing what you told me to do, that I forgot about you. Some days I remembered and felt terrible about it. I felt so guilty. But most days I didn't feel anything. I think I feel even worse about that. You never forgot about me. Not one day. Everything in your life has always been shaped around me. And that's scary because - because I don't feel I deserve that. I don't deserve to be that special to you. It puts all these expectations on me. I'm worried about not doing enough for you. Of not being enough. Of letting you down. And that annoys the shit out of me, Axel," he exhaled sharply. "It's also why I needed to get some space between us. I felt like you thought I could fix and make everything right in your world. I don't want that responsibility on my head. I can't be that person for you."

He fell silent. The painful rock which had sat atop his heart all these years finally dislodged. He still felt terrified of the consequences though. Roxas had inadvertently shrunk in on himself as he had told Axel all this. And he only winced more as he heard a pained exhale drift out of Axel.

"But you didn't forget about me in the end," Axel's voice seemed faint at first but grew with strength. "You are here. We are both here. You're right. I don't place much value on myself. And that makes me paranoid and worry about shit I should never worry about with you. It causes us more trouble. I'm gonna work on that, Roxy. I need to trust you more. And I also need to realize that it's kinda unfair for me to expect you to be as crazy about me as I am about you. This relationship's only big enough for one nutjob, yeah?"

Roxas suddenly managed to breathe easier. His shoulders relaxed and the arms he had clasped around himself loosened up. Roxas was able to pull his eyes off the ground and look into Axel's. The man's expression hadn't changed one bit. There was still love and fondness.

The fear in Roxas subsided, and he gave Axel a small nod in response to the question he had posed.

The way Axel's face lit up for a brief moment drew Roxas in.

He moved a tiny step closer towards Axel. It felt good to talk like this. It was good to not feel fearful for his own safety. They were both in a good and calm space right now. As Zack had pointed out, they were really good together when they weren't both lit aflame with anger. They could be receptive and listen to each other. They could be accepting of hearing each other's personal truths.

"I want you to know that I'm happiest in Wutai. This city -," Roxas gazed out over the ever brightening city scape, just beyond the confines of the clock tower. He returned his sights onto vivid green and red which stood before him, "It isn't the city I feel at home in any longer. My home is somewhere else, but I came back here so I could collect the missing piece I need. It was never for Cloud. It was never for Zack. They are a part of my family. And you know that family is the most important thing in the world to me, Axel. But I came back for you. Because you are a part of my family now too. You are as important to me as Cloud and Zack, if not more. I don't ever want you to doubt that. I love you so much. And I know you show your love for me in almost everything you do. I'm sorry for saying your words don't mean anything."

Axel's lopsided smile had evened out and grown in strength. The residual hardness was completely gone from his eyes, too. They stood together, soul's bared to one another.

Axel swore to himself that he would never doubt Roxas again.

His heart swelled, and his skin goose fleshed. "We're family," breathed Axel in sheer delight.

Roxas nodded and smiled, "Family."

Roxas fought through his tears.

"I might not remember anything about our past other than your gorgeous green eyes," Roxas closed the distance between them. He lifted his hand to stroke Axel's cheek with his thumb, rubbing a stray tear off the man's pale face, "but Axel, don't let that get you down. We are destiny. We are inevitable. We should never be afraid of losing each other - because everything out there is pushing us together. Life has proven that time and time again. As long as we don't get in our own way - I think we'll be alright, don't you?"

Axel nodded, "Yeah. We can get through anything together."

Axel's warm hand cupped Roxas', which was still situated on his cheek. Both smiled at each other in a way they hadn't been able to do for what felt like an excessively long time.

Roxas was overcome with love. He would work hard on never letting them hurt each other again.

"You know why this clock tower has been forgotten? Why it's in disrepair and an eyesore that sticks out like a sore thumb?" began Roxas, thinking of all the times they had met up here.

Axel shook his head, not being able to take his eyes off Roxas even for a second. He merely leaned into Roxas' touch.

"Tell me," came the husky and content voice.

"It's not because the clock tower is at fault. It's doing everything it should - well it could use a tune up so it chimes at every hour - but that's not the point. The point is that it is in the state it's in because it doesn't belong here. It belongs somewhere else where it can shine and be itself. It needs to be with its proper caretaker. The one who loves this stupid, arrogant and presumptuous clock tower more than anyone else in the world. It needs to get away from all the cranky pigeons who keep pooping on it, telling it that it's not good enough and a disappointment."

Axel cocked an eyebrow and amusement played on his lips.

"I'll give you a hint, I'm not talking about this stupid clock tower."

The smile on Axel's face broadened, revealing teeth.

"I know," was the soft response.

They looked into each other's eyes with longing. Axel rubbed small circles onto Roxas' hand which hadn't moved from his cheek.

Roxas wondered if they had actually patched things up. He understood Axel's needs a lot better now. He thought he could be the man that Axel needed in his life. He could be more reassuring without completely losing himself. He still wanted to have Axel in his own life. Axel still fit snug into his heart.

"I know this is long overdue but - I want you to move to Wutai with me. I want us to own our own restaurant, together, and cook side by side. Cooking's always made you happy. It's what brought us together, and it's also what makes me happy. And when we are done with that for the day I want us to go out at night, get drunk, and have sex 'til morning. And then we do it all again. Until the end of our days."

Axel moved himself closer, pushing their torsos together in response.

"That sounds perfect," he purred, pushing his face closer towards Roxas' own. His eyes fell on Roxas' lips before drifting further down.

Roxas felt an arm snake around the small of his back. His heart began beating faster. He could feel the echoes of Axel's own thumping heart reverberate through that hot body.

All the hideous things which had happened in the past burned and blew away like ash in the wind.

Axel's hand left Roxas' and tentatively moved to his neck.

Roxas flinched out of reflex and saw sadness and regret reflected in Axel's eyes.

"I am truly sorry, Roxy. I will never hurt you again. As I live and breathe. Until the end of our days. I promise. We'll talk about this stuff. We'll come to compromises. We won't assume we know what's best for each other, or what the other is thinking, ok?"

Roxas was able to hear Axel inside of his heart this time, and gave a firm nod and an affirming smile. "You got a deal, Axel. I'm going to start treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You've got the number one spot in my heart." He leaned against Axel's warm body and tilted his head up. Axel responded by pressing his lips to Roxas' puckered ones. Axel planted a few pecks and nips before deepening their kiss.

Roxas' insides erupted with joy as their tongues danced with one another. It was gentle and caring, but an underlying need roiled and sat heavily between them.

They pulled apart before they got lost in each other too much, leaving smiles on one another's faces. Axel brushed the hair out of Roxas' face so he could see him better.

Axel sighed with deep wanton desire, "Roxy, I love you. Any place you are is my new favorite place. Wherever you go, I'll follow."

Roxas' smile brightened. "And I love you so fucking much as well, Axel. I can't wait to show you all around Wutai. I can't wait for us to start our normal life together." He wrapped his arms around Axel's neck, and pulled him into another passionate kiss and embrace.

The End.

A Note from Cream Pudding -

This is the end of Roxas' journey.

Cloud's story continues on in part 4 - The Search for Absolution.

Part 3 and 4 cross over significantly.

You can find links to all parts of this series on my profile page.

Please leave reviews if you've enjoyed this fic and series.