Ch1- Worth It

Thanksgiving 2002

'Marry me.' The words hung heavier on his heart than they did on the tip of his otherwise, engaged tongue.

"Mulder." Scully moaned into his mouth. He didn't reply, deepening the kiss as her moaning increased, her breathing growing shallower by the moment. "M-Mulder!"

He'd thought it from the moment they'd scurried into the car and hit the open road: 'marry me.' It never left his mind, but he'd kept the thought to himself, unable to say it, not ready to let his guard down like that. She meant too much too him, too much to let the moment happen… he had to savor it, let it churn in his mind until it became more real than whatever her answer would be.

"Oh Spooky…"

But now, in a seedy motel, skin on skin between grimy sheets, the words clung to the edge of his breath, ready to make themselves known whether he was ready or not. But he held back, knowing better than to propose shacked up on the side of the road in a cockroach infested dump.

It'd been months since it'd happened. Their new, uncharted life had assembled with rapid speed. First, she'd given away their much loved baby boy against her will, then Mulder reemerged from hiding, was tried and soon wanted by the same organization they'd committed their lives to… and then, thanks in part to the Smoking Man, the two found themselves on the run but very much together.

"Happy Thanksgiving Mulder." She whispered softly, utter bliss on her face.

He took her in his arms; hugging her tight from behind once they grew tired. He lie there, quiet, her hands in his own; playing with her empty ring finger. She stopped him, clutching his hand in her own and squeezing it instead. He pulled away and rolled over on top of her, resting on his hands as he looked down at her for a moment, trying to take her all in: totally nude accept for the cross she never took off, deep blue eyes that showed no sign of all the pain he'd put her though.

'It's time to give her a real life.' He thought. "To make it right.'

But despite the well-intentioned thought, Thanksgiving would still be spent just as the last seven months had: on the road to nowhere, in a diner, in a shitty motel, in a lonely car without their baby son.

"I'm so thankful for you Mulder." She smiled, tears in her bright eyes as she took his unshaven face in her hands.

He closed his eyes. He didn't deserve that.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again." She continued, laughing through her tears.

She couldn't have lived with herself otherwise. Giving her son up to save him had been something she knew she'd never recover from, but loosing Mulder too would've sent her over the edge. And now that she was still there with him it opened up new possibility, the improbable hope for a new start.

"I thought I'd lost you forever Mulder… I can't loose you." She cried, wrapping her arms around him. "I can't…"

He stopped her, pressing his lips deeply into hers as he ran his fingers through her hair, wanting, needing to keep her quiet. He couldn't deal with the past tonight, needing desperately to think only of the future. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, doing everything she could to keep him as close as possible.

"I love you Scully. I don't deserve to have you thankful for me."

"Don't… please don't ever leave me again Mulder, plea-." She whispered, starting to cry as his lips and tongue met hers again.

…

At first light, the sun came barreling though the plastic blinds, waking the beleaguered couple who stirred groggily in reply, neither ready to face the day ahead. Dump or not, the motel room had been something of a safe haven for the two, one which neither one of them would ever forget. He kissed her neck, squeezing her tight as she yawned.

"Good morning." She whispered, kissing his chest.

It'd been a long and wild night. The two exhausted from making love into the wee hours of the morning. Sex had become their comfort in recent months their sanctuary, and the only thing that remained constant in their lives. Scully kept her eyes closed, running her hands along his chest, realizing that the two of them were making up for lost time in many ways, channeling years of emotion and sexual tension into the most passionate nights either had ever experienced. The previous night had been no exception, nor was it the rule. It'd been extraordinary.

Mulder rubbed his nose against Scully's, his eyes still closed, weary of the day ahead. It was the last thing he wanted to do to her, to make her once again leave their dumpy little refuge. But too long a time spent in any one place was a danger, and so the two were always on the move. In the summer it'd been easier, maybe even a little bohemian. But now that the holidays and the winter weather were upon them, it was more of a struggle and beyond that a more depressing business.

"I love you so much Scully."

The thought hit him again, pressing this time: 'Ask her.' It beaconed, but he could not bring himself to. 'Ask her you idiot.' He said to himself as she smiled back up at him. 'She's naked in your arms and she's in love with you... I can't.' He thought. 'Loose her by asking. I can't. What if she said no?'

Fox wondered in what universe she'd say no… her world had been merged with his so long before and she'd given up everything, every semblance of a normal life for the sake of his truth, to be with him. She'd borne his burdens and failed and borne his son and lost him…. And yet, she'd told him she'd do it all over again. In what universe would she say no? But months after his conviction; Fox Mulder still felt a failure and couldn't risk failing at the one thing that'd always really mattered to him more than anything else: Scully.

He kissed her forehead simply, tears flowing down his cheeks at the realization that all this time he'd been looking for the truth to complete him, but Scully had been his missing piece.

"Come on." He whispered. "It's time to go."

…..

A few hours later Mulder found himself, driving down the highway, already more than a hundred miles away from where they'd spent Thanksgiving night, alone and having a torrid sexual dalliance in a dump. Scully sighed, listening to the Christmas music that played on the radio. The thought of Christmas brought joy to her heart until she realized she had nowhere to celebrate it… and that she'd been with William last Christmas and had no clue where Mulder was.

"My baby." She whispered almost inaudibly, looking out at the falling slow.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh nothing. Nothing Mulder."

He sighed, the holiday music nagging him. Christmas. It was a family holiday; she should get to see her mother and her brother. They should get to be with their son… Mulder's heart ached over his lost son in a way he couldn't tell Scully. She'd blame herself when he was to blame. He'd been off truth seeking, and he needed instead, to have been protecting his son. Sure there'd been pressing matters, and dangers for him. But nothing, nothing should've meant more than his son. He needed to have been there to defend the baby; to preempt the attacks against him… that was what a father was for. Mulder put the thought out of his mind, feeling tears sting his eyes. He couldn't let Scully see him cry over their son, even though inside he never really stopped.

'What good am I?' He asked himself. 'What kind of a man am I if I can't defend my own son and his mother?' His inner voice aggressively charged.

Back when they met, even when he first admitted to himself that he was in love, he never imagined they'd have a son… our son, the power of the statement and everything it brought to mind rang in his heart, reminding him that because of the baby, the two of them were infinitely bound to each other, and would always be together in him. In an instant, it made Mulder realize he was falling deeper in love with her that the perimeters of his affections seemed to have no bounds. His heart sunk when Scully smiled up at him; having no idea what he was thinking. It hurt so much to think about: his little son was someone else's little boy that Christmas.

'Yet another reason.' He thought. 'Why you shouldn't ask her: you're not good enough. You're just not good enough.'

Mulder stared down into Scully's eyes, knowing he'd let her down. He could've cried at the thought, knowing that in reality was damn well good enough; fate had just not dealt him or his son the best hand.

'Son. My son.' He thought. There were questions about the miracle child: who he was, how he came to be…. But Mulder knew without a doubt that William was his flesh and blood. He could see it and feel it in the baby in a way he never had with anyone in his life, well… not since Samantha. 'My flesh and blood.' He cried. 'God.' His mind wandered. 'I-if there is a God… what I wouldn't do to do this dad thing over again….'

Mulder drove on, defeated by the belief that he could've saved his son.

"We have to make him proud." Scully paused, biting her lip.

Mulder was surprised and stared back at her with wide eyes.

"Who…"

"William. We'll hold it together; and find him one day, and make him so proud."

Fox gulped at the idea, thinking their son would hate them by the time they ever found him, that he wouldn't understand, or worse that he would; and that he'd take up his own crusade just as his father before him had.

"I really am thankful you know." She whispered as he drove, the snow gently blanketing the desolate road before them. "That you're here with me, that we get to be together."

"I'm not enough."

"But you're more than enough Mulder… you make it okay… you make it worth staying alive."

Mulder's heart sank, feeling pathetic that he was what she felt the need to live for. "Oh Scully. I'm not worth it."

…

9 Hours Later and 3 States Away

Mulder couldn't hide his surprise, but gave in to her touch when Scully pushed him against the motel room door, tilting her head as she slid her tongue over his and her hands up under his shirt. Mulder helped to take it off and was even more surprised when she grabbed his neck, leading him to the bed and pushing him down.

"Scull…" She stopped him, straddling him and beginning to kiss him before he had a chance to finish speaking.

Leaning down she whispered seductively in his ear: "You always wanted to believe."

The words ached, he no longer knew what he believed, and sometimes, he wondered if he should've ever been a believer at all. He wanted to throw her off in that moment, just like the yoke of belief, but the power her body had over his mind in that moment was overwhelming, almost superhuman, and he found himself drawn in, unable to resist the heightened sexual chemistry the two had unlocked.

She giggled sitting up as he grabbed her hips. Slowly and seductively as she could, she wiggled out of her tee shirt and flung it to the floor, his eyes still wide. He found himself paused, his mouth agape, his hands on her sides. She leaned down again, this time kissing him more forcefully just as she had at the door.

"So Mulder, believe in me."

"Oh Scully I do. I do but you never should've believed in me." He said, overpowering her and rolling over on top of her.

She grabbed his head, almost pulling at his hair as he brought her down to kiss her. "I would've been lost without you." She looked up into has eyes.

"You would've been safe without me: home now somewhere with some guy and your mom, and five little uber Scullys." He said, tears in his eyes as he leaned over her.

Scully paused, tears in her eyes. She knew that was the truth but didn't care, not matter how much she wanted kids and a normal life. She was in love with Mulder and wouldn't take the last decade back for anything. She started kissing his chest, running her lips along his shoulder and up to his neck.

"You taught me the art of belief Fox Mulder. I believe in you." She whispered, running her fingers through his hair, tears pouring down his cheeks.

She understood his feelings of failure, his disappointment, his doubt but for all these months it'd remained unspoken. Now, at Thanksgiving, Mulder found himself but haunted by what he'd lost, and terrified of loosing everything he had left.

She started to cry, hurt by the things he'd been saying about himself. "Because I love you Mulder! I love you and I couldn't be more grateful, or happier about anything ever than being with you! I'd follow you to the ends of the earth and for the rest of my days!"

"Oh Scully…"

"Please." She cried. "Stop saying these things about yourself! Nothing in the world could be as good for me as you, nothing!"

"Scully…"

"What!" She was crying now.

Mulder paused. 'Marry me.' His mind insisted. Instead, he just rolled over on top of her again, aggressively starting to kiss her as an electrical storm moved in outside.