Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to the most important and irreplaceable man in the world, Oda. This is just how I would have wanted a certain scene to go in the Thriller Bark Arc. Upon further inspection, I realized that my version would have caused a hell of a lot of problems if it was canon... BUT WHO GIVE A DAMN?! It's called fan FICTION for a reason. Well, here's what I wish Nami did in Thriller Bark.

"KYAAAA!"

"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"

Nami was being chased by the zombie known as Lola. She was running with Usopp and Chopper at her side, but the two tripped and were left behind. Since Lola ran right past them, Nami realized that she was the zombie's only target.

"I'LL BRUTALIZE YOU!" Lola made this more obvious as she wildly swung her two swords.

Nami was running like made, digging in her skirt's pockets. "Come on! Come on! There has to be something in here I can use! Anything to at least distract or trick her!" As Nami continued to search, she felt something in her pocket. She took it out to see if it was anything useful.

"A RING?!" It was one of the many rings her crew found on one of their adventures. She doesn't remember which one, though. It was an expensive looking, gold, diamond encrusted ring. It probably would be sold for quite a pretty beli, but it could also be used for something else. A wedding ring. This gave her an idea. She put the ring on her left ring finger and turned towards the charging zombie.

"I WON'T LET YOU HAVE ABSALOM!"

"WELL, I DON'T WANT HIM!" Nami then flashed the ring. "I'M ALREADY MARRIED!"

This stopped Lola dead in her tracks, a look of shock on her face. "What did you say?"

"You heard me. I'm already married. I'm off the market! My name is..." Nami had to think for a bit. The only two men on her crew that actually had a surname were Luffy and Zoro. She had to pick between the two, and decided to go with the more intimidating lie. "...is Monkey Nami! My husband is my captain, Monkey D. Luffy!"

Lola just stood there shocked, and dropped her swords. Nami thought she was in the clear. She was with Lola, but she had one other problem. She didn't know that Usopp and Chopper were there to hear the lie. Usopp saw right through it, but Chopper's innocence led him to believe the lie.

"So... you're really married?" Lola looked so hopeful.

"Yeah, I am. And from one married woman to a future one, don't you dare give up! Absalom was meant to be your husband, just like Luffy was meant to be mine!"

Lola started to cry. "You... really mean that?" Nami nodded. Lola then fell to her knees, letting the tears flow. "Thank you. You're the first person to have ever encouraged me. For a fellow wife to be on my side... it's so encouraging."

Nami smiled as she outstretched her hand. Lola looked at it with confusion. "I believe in your love. It's my duty as your friend."

Lola could have sworn Nami was sparkling. "Oh, Mrs. Monkey!"

"Please, call me Nami. We're friends now, right?"

Lola grabbed Nami's hand, tears of joy flowing freely. "NAMI!"

Usopp just stared at the scene with an impressed look. "That was a pretty good lie, Nami. The warthog feel for it hook,line, and sinker."

Though, he was standing right next to him, Chopper didn't hear what Usopp had said. He was too surprised by what Nami said, and was lost in thought. "So Luffy and Nami are married? I wonder when that happened. They must have done it before having me join."

A/N: Now we skip to where it would have been complicated if it were canon. Good thing it wasn't. Now that I think of it, that lame "I'm a guy" lie was probably for the best, though I still don't like it. Anyway, let's go to the Straw Hats after they sailed away from Thriller Bark, now completely healed and rested.

Everyone was on deck for one reason or the other. Luffy was sitting on the rails of the Thousand Sunny, fishing for any potential lunch or for something cool enough to put into the aquarium. As usual, Zoro was taking a nap. Sanji gave Nami a cool ice drink, and Nami was sitting at the deck's table with a newspaper in hand. Usopp was repairing Nami's Clima-Tact, which suffered a bit of damage from Lola and the rest of the zombie horde of Thriller Bark. Robin was sitting on one of the beach chairs, enjoying the drink Sanji gave her while reading a good book. Franky was making sure the ship was on course per Nami's directions. Brook was playing a soft melody on his violin. Finally, Chopper was grinding herbs for some new medicine. Or at least, he was, at first.

His innocent mind was still stuck on Nami's lie. He was just so curious. He thought about asking Nami, but thought it would be easier to ask Luffy. Nami can be scary if you ask her the wrong question, something he learned the hard way on Mock Town when he asked her about the Sky Islands.

Chopper walked over towards Luffy, no one paying any attention to him, since they were all distracted with their own activities. "Hey, Luffy, can I ask you a question?"

Luffy was actually dozing off a bit, but hearing Chopper talk to him pretty much woke him up. He looked towards Chopper with wide awake eyes. "Hm? Sure. What's up?"

"How long have you and Nami been married?"

Luffy tilted his head, giving off his often used confused look. However, he wasn't the only one caught off guard by the question.

Nami was just taking a sip of her drink when Chopper asked the question. When she heard it, she spat it out in a torrent powerful enough to cut steel.

Usopp smashed his hammer against his finger. Though a tear had fallen, he didn't really feel it. He had a look of shock on his face, his jaw smashing against the deck. He never thought Chopper would believe Nami's lie, let alone ask that extremely deadly question in front of everybody. He feared for the well being of their youngest crew mate.

Even though Zoro was dead asleep, that question was still somehow able to jolt him awake. It felt like he was hit by one of either Enel's lightning bolts, or one of Nami's. He looked at Chopper and Luffy with shocked eyes, not believing what he just heard. He was almost convinced he was still asleep, until he saw the faces of his other crew members. He also thought that not even he could dream up the look on Sanji's face.

Sanji dropped his serving dish, and fell on his back. His face went beyond the level of shocked. His jaw was as long as his body. His eyes had tears falling like waterfalls. It even created a puddle around him. He was completely rigged and stiff, not twitching a single muscle. You couldn't tell if he was suffering from a heart attack or a stroke, maybe even both. He was so still, that you would have thought that Aokiji froze him without encasing him in ice.

Robin actually put down her book to watch the scene play out. She had a good idea about what was happening, which made her cover her mouth to stifle so much as a giggle. This would be way too much fun to interrupt.

Brook was surprised. "Oh, what a shock. So young, at yet already in love and married. I do wish I could have attended the ceremony. I would have loved to play for you with all of my heart and soul. Ah, but I guess I don't have a heart anymore, do I? Yohohoho!"

Franky got into his pose. "You two are together?! Why didn't you say something? That's some SUPER awesome news! I gotta make something as a wedding gift. You guys need a crib anytime soon? Or do ya want me to make some baby toys?" Nami was as red as a tomato when she heard Franky ask that.

Luffy was still confused. He then looked over towards Nami. "Hey Nami, are we married?"

"WHAT?! NO!"

Chopper then looked at Nami. "Then why did you say that to Lola at Thriller Bark? I mean, you're still wearing the ring, after all."

Nami looked down at her hand. She was. She kept it on the entire time to sell the charade, and to continue to trick Lola. During all of the crazy commotion, she completely forgot to take it off. "I WAS LYING!" She then took off the ring. "There's no way I'd ever marry Luffy."

Chopper looked disappointed, but Sanji sprang back to life. "That's right, Chopper. Besides, there's no way a beautiful woman would ever want to marry a guy like Luffy. There's no such woman in this world."

Meanwhile, on Amazon Lily.

"Achoo." It was barely a sneeze. It was way to small, cute, and lady like. The sneeze of an elegant woman. The owner of the admittedly adorable sneeze was none other than Boa Hancock.

Her sisters heard the tiny sneeze. Sandersonia spoke first. "Sister, are you catching a cold?"

"No. It's nothing like that. I believe someone is talking about me."

Marigold crossed her arms. "Hmph, probably one of those worthless marines. Goodness, can't those pigs think of anything else?"

"Fret not, dear Marigold. It's only natural for men to be infatuated by my beauty. All men are weak against it."

Sandersonia and Marigold smiled, and spoke in unison. "Yes. Our sister's beauty is unbeatable. No man can resist it."

"And it's because of that, all men are inferior to us. They are all worthless. No man shall ever conquer us, especially not me."

Back on the Sunny

Zoro couldn't help but want to argue with Sanji. "And what if there is, Pervy Cook? What if there's a drop dead gorgeous woman who actually wants Luffy for a husband?"

"THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN, MOSS HEAD! BUT IF IT DOES, THEN I'D RATHER GO TO HELL THEN LIVE IN A REALITY LIKE THAT!"

Meanwhile, on Newkama Island.

"A-A-ACHOO!" That sneeze shook the entire island. It was seriously huge, ugly, and a very manly sneeze. The sneeze of a full grown man. The owner of the sneeze. . . . . WAS EVERY FREAKING RESIDENT OF NEWKAMA ISLAND!

"Oh, my. What an unladylike thing to do."

"Don't worry, darling. It just means that someone was talking about us."

"Oh, I do hope it was that strapping young man I saw on that island."

"Ooh, he was a cutie, wasn't he?"

The disturbing sight of men dressed as women got even more horrifying when they started to gossip. From a distance, and through a telescope, it would look like goblins scheming among themselves. . . . Actually, some incarnations of goblins are pretty cute. These... creatures were the furthest thing from cute. They looked more like deformed monstrosities.

Off the coast of the island, far away from the shore, there was a pirate ship. One of the scouts was using his telescope to get a visual on the island. The poor man was unfortunate enough to see the hideous sight. He ran off screaming, accidentally throwing the telescope into the air. The captain was able to catch the tool, and looked through it. What he saw caused him to vomit, and had him immediately order the ship to change directions.

"But captain, the log pose points to that island, and we're running low on provisions."

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! We are not landing on that island! That island... is Hell on Earth. I'd rather be eaten by a Sea King." The captain then handed the telescope to the crew member, and had him look through it. The crew mate was close to losing his own lunch. He then turned around to give the captain's orders, vowing never to question his captain's orders ever again.

Back on the Sunny.

"I don't want to get married anyway." All eyes turned on Luffy. "I'm not going to get married. At least, not now. The only time I'll ever get married... is after I'm King of the Pirates, or I just won't get married at all. I'd rather be married as the Pirate King, so my wife can be the Pirate Queen. So Nami, when I become King of the Pirates..." He gave his trademark smile. "... wanna get married, and become Queen of the Pirates?"

Nami was blushing at the question. "N-No way!" She looked away from him, her eyes closed. "You can just keep on dreaming about that." She then began to drink her beverage, trying to distract herself from thinking about Luffy's proposal, as well as have an excuse to not talk anymore.

"Hm... okay. I understand. Hey Robin, what about you? You wanna get married when I become King?"

Nami didn't know why, but she felt really annoyed when Luffy did that. There he was, literally proposing to her, and yet he just proposes to Robin so easily. It was like it was no big deal to him. When she thought about it, it probably wasn't. She just ignored the feeling. Besides, it's not like Robin is gonna say "yes", right? When Nami heard Robin giggle, Nami thought she was right.

"Sure."

Nami's eyes popped open in shock and surprise. She looked right at Robin. She could tell that Robin wasn't kidding. She was dead serious.

"I actually wouldn't mind being your wife, Luffy. Being the Queen of the Pirates sounds pretty interesting, too."

"Really? I'm glad. I'd love to be with you as long as I can." Those words hurt Nami. "With all of my crew if possible."

Robin giggled once again. "So do I. Though, Franky might have to make the ship bigger for the children." Both Nami and Sanji jolted at that comment.

Luffy looked confused. "Kids? There would be kids on the ship?"

Robin smiled at her captain, a teasing look in her eye. "Is that a problem?"

"No problem at all. I love kids."

Robin happily smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. Though, it would take a while. Nine months at the least."

"NO!" Sanji finally snapped. He ran over towards Luffy, and started shaking him by his vest, with a fire raging in his visible eye. "I'LL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN! I'LL NEVER ALLOW LUFFY TO DEFILE ROBIN-CHAN'S HONOR!"

Luffy was still confused. "Defile her honor? What do you mean?"

"I MEAN I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU HAVE SE-"

"Sanji-san." Sanji froze in fear when he heard Robin's voice. Had he looked behind him, he would have seen the same terrifying Robin he saw on Thriller Bark. "Be careful with what you say next."

Sanji let go of Luffy, shaking like a leaf. "Yes, ma'am."

Luffy's confused look never went away. "Hey Robin, what was Sanji about to say?"

"Oh, nothing you need to know about. Not yet, anyway."

"Oh, okay." Before anything happened, Luffy felt a tug on his fishing pole. "I got something! Hey Usopp, help me out!"

Usopp was completely shocked by the conversation. His brain pretty much shut down when he heard Robin except Luffy's proposal. Hearing Luffy yell out his name woke him up. "Huh? Uh, yeah. Sure." He then ran over to Luffy, and helped him pull out a shark.

"Oh, cool! A shark! Let's put it in the aquarium!"

"Uh-uh! No way! Remember what happened last time, Luffy. Let's just have it for lunch."

"Oh, yeah. Sure. Sanji! Cook this guy, would ya?!"

Sanji was depressed after Robin's threat. "Huh? Sure." Pretty much lifelessly, Sanji kicked the shark unconscious, and dragged the beast into the kitchen to make some lunch.

Zoro was loving what he saw. Sure, hearing Robin say she wouldn't mind being Luffy's wife, as well as the mother of his child, was weird, but it was all worth it to see that cook's dejected face. He actually hoped Luffy and Robin would tie the knot just to see Sanji's reaction. Hell, he just hoped any beautiful woman would marry Luffy, just for the sake of seeing Sanji suffer (insert Hancock making another cute sneeze). Feeling good, Zoro decided to go train in the Crow's Nest. His high on happiness allowed him to train practically the rest of the day, with only lunch time interrupting him.

Chopper went back to making medicine. He was lost in thought. "Hm, so Luffy and Nami aren't married. . . . But Luffy will marry Robin when he's Pirate King? Hm, maybe I should get some books about child delivery. Oh, I should probably make some medicine just in case the baby ever gets sick. . . . But then again, it is going to be Luffy's child. Has Luffy ever gotten sick before? Maybe I should ask him." The doctor turned towards his captain, who was still fishing. "Hey, Luffy! Have you ever gotten sick before?"

"Huh? No. Never been."

"Okay. How about you, Robin? Have you ever been sick?"

"Yes. When I was a child, I suffered from a case of the flu."

Chopper nodded. "Alright, then just in case, I'll make some medication for the child." Though he mumbled that part, Robin still heard it. She couldn't help but giggle, and went back to reading.

Brook noticed that Franky was writing something. "Franky-san, would you mind me asking what you are doing?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm just making preparations for making the ship more kid friendly. I don't even want to know what Nico Robin would do to me if I let anything happen to her little one." Franky then got a chill when remembered what she did to him just to make him join Luffy's crew.

"Ooh, how smart. Then, I shall work on making new lullabies for the child. They'll be so soothing, that they will even make me shut my eyes in peace. Ah, but I don't have any eyes to shut. Yohohohoho!"

Nami just sat there at her table, listening to every word her crew mates said. She really didn't like hearing any of it. She then looked at Robin, peacefully reading a book. Practically on auto-pilot, Nami walked over towards Robin. She wasn't standing in her light, but Robin was still able to notice her. "Is something the matter, Nami-san?"

"Where you serious?"

"Hm?"

"About marrying Luffy."

"Oh. Actually..." Nami waited for the answer. She didn't realize she was holding her breath... or that she was hoping Robin would say no. "I was."

Nami looked shocked... and a bit hurt. "A-are you sure? I mean, Luffy's a kid."

"Oh my, are you saying I'm too old for him?" Robin had a bit of a sassy smile.

"More like too mature." Robin's smile was replaced with indifference. "He's so impulsive. He goes head first into everything. He's as immature as they get. He's the very definition of an idiot. He's so... HIM."

"And that's why I wouldn't mind marrying him." Nami was caught off guard by the response. "He's a soul with a pure heart. True, he's naive and innocent, possibly as much, if not more than our little Chopper, but that's one of his many good points."

"Many?"

"Many. As you've seen, he's extremely loyal, ready to fight pirates, evil organizations, self-proclaimed gods, and even the entire world just to protect one of his crew mates. Twice in my life, I just wanted to die, first in Alabasta and then in Enies Lobby. In both situations, he gave me a reason to live. No matter what... he just wouldn't give up on me. He's always giving me a reason to live, to try, and even... to smile. He's also more than powerful enough to protect those closest to him, meaning the family he makes will be kept nice and safe. Plus, a personality like his would be great with children. He'd be an ideal father."

"Somehow, I doubt he even knows how babies are made in the first place."

Robin giggled at that. "Oh, that can be easily remedied." Robin had a gleam in her eye that made Nami blush.

The two women heard a crash and the sound of something splashing in the kitchen. "AHH! SANJI!"

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! WHY DID HE JUST FAINT?!"

"HE'S GOT BURNS FROM THE HOT SOUP! SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR!"

"Huh?"

"A doctor!"

A slap was heard. "That's you."

"Oh, right."

The two women just stared at the kitchen, before Robin went back to reading. She looked up slightly to see that Nami still looked depressed. "You know, he'd probably marry you too if you wanted him to."

Nami blushed a deep red. "I said I don't want him! Besides, he already has you anyway."

"Nami, Luffy is a pirate. Pirates don't tend to follow the rules of society, especially not Luffy. If he was told that he had to choose between you and me, who do you think he would pick?"

"Both. He's too selfish to decide between two things he wants or cares about, especially when it comes to crew mates."

"Indeed. Our captain is an extremely selfish and greedy man. He would never pick one and condemn the other. He'd just find a way to take both. Trying to make him follow the normal rules of marriage would be a waste of time. He'd see them as shackles trying to impede his freedom."

Nami thought about it, and realized that Robin was right. "Still, you're pretty much saying we should share him."

"That's actually exactly what I'm saying."

Nami blushed. "B-but wouldn't it be weird? Two women married to the same man? What would we even be to one another?"

"Hm. If I had to guess, sister wives, maybe?"

Nami was stunned. "Robin, how can you be so calm about this?"

"Because I already see us as a family." Nami was caught off guard by the answer. "Nami, I care for you... as if you were my own flesh and blood sister. I also care for Luffy, and it's obvious that he cares for us. Thanks to him, I feel like I'm part of a family, and this family has given me countless happy memories. Many of those memories were given to me by Luffy himself. Even if I were to marry him... I highly doubt any of our relationships would change. He certainly wouldn't let them." Nami still had an understandably skeptical look. It caused Robin to giggle. "Nami, you don't need to worry about it now."

"Hm?"

"Luffy said it himself. He's not interested in marriage. Not now. Right now, all he wants is to be the King of the Pirates. It will take quite a bit of time for him to achieve that goal, even with our help. You have plenty of time to think about it. Who knows? He may totally fall in love with you, with me, or with another woman." Hancock sneezed once more. She was starting to get annoyed. "For now, just enjoy the voyage." Robin then patted the seat of the beach chair next to her, signaling for Nami to sit next to her.

A few moments passed, but with a tired sigh, Nami took the seat. The two sat in silence before Nami turned towards her friend. "Just so you know, if by some crazy twist of fate we do both marry Luffy, and that's a huge if, I don't plan on marrying another man. Luffy's it. That alright with you?"

"Of course. I was thinking the same thing. If I marry Luffy, then no other man has so much as a ghost of a chance with me." This caused both women to laugh.

"AND NOW HE'S CRYING!"

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SANJI TODAY?! CHOPPER, CAN'T YOU FIX HIM?!"

"I HAVEN'T MADE A MEDICINE TO CURE HOPELESS PEOPLE!"

Nami sweatdropped at Chopper's response. "I'm pretty sure that would be even harder than becoming Pirate King."

Robin giggled. "That may be true."

"Hey, Usopp! Come out here and see this!"

"Huh? Jeez, what does Luffy want now? Good luck with Sanji, Chopper."

Chopper was just finishing bandaging the red, hot, crying cook. "Leave him to me."

"Hm. Okay, Luffy. What is- IS THAT THE RED LINE?!"

"Yup. We made it."

The entire crew, minus a still depressed Sanji went on deck to stare at the great wall.

Luffy gave his trademark smile. "Just one more time, halfway around the world, and we'll be seeing this wall again. And that's when I'll be... KING OF THE PIRATES!"

As the crew stared at the great wall, Robin and Nami looked at each other, and smiled. They both had the same thought. "And when that happens, one of us, or both of us... will be the Queen of the Pirates."

A/N: Sheesh. It really is better that Oda went his way. If it was my way, it would cause a hell of a lot of trouble. Still fun to think about it, though. But damn, I was thinking this one-shot would be, what, five pages? I went WAY overboard. I practically doubled my estimate. It was just too much fun. Anyway, those of you who know me well enough must also know this: I love alternate endings, alternate timelines, et. cetera. If you guys think you can improve this one-shot in any way, do it. Send it to me via PM or DocX, and I'll upload it under a chapter with your name on it, literally. Example, if my friend Vulcan D. Corey Smith sent me his version, I'd upload it as Vulcan D. Corey Smith's Version, or something like that. So, go wild. Revise or rework this story any way you like, and send it to me. Lord knows that one of you could probably make better Skull Jokes than I can. Not much of a joke teller. Good luck, boys and girls. Till next time!