I am beyond and unequivocally unhappy. So fucking depressed. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate you. What am I doing here? It's like I'm just watching myself wreck my life and I can't do anything about it. That's cause I physically cannot. I'm not prepared to face the consequences of leaving you, I'm not strong enough for it yet. But when then? Because my eyes are painfully wandering and it's not because I even want another boyfriend or want to find love. I just need comfort, I need help, I need to build my confidence up again so I don't kill myself. That's my goal at this point, just don't kill myself. And it's only because of my mom. My heart is so heavy and I keep wishing for something more. I keep wishing someone will appear and save me from this horrible life I've put myself through. This was all a mistake. I ruined everything. I am sincerely all alone. No one to share a single real actual sincere thought with. I have to choose my words carefully around you. I can't be comfortable at all ever…except when I'm reading. I am blessed and cursed with this extreme power of being able to spiritually remove myself from life and transport myself into another, temporarily. Blessed because it gives me a happiness that nothing ever gives me. Nothing compares to it. And cursed because it's a fucking delusion and can quite literally drive me insane. Its all that I have right now and the emotions are so much more stronger at this point. It was never this strong. But that's how I know I'm truly in so much pain, because I am drained. I have a loving heart, and it's needing love so bad. How did it all end up like this? How do I save myself? I just wanted to be happy. This was hell. I was living in hell. How did I get here? How much longer will I have to endure this? How long have I been in here? Am I late? I pulled myself out of the hourly trance I undergo every day. The steaming hot water had faded to a dull warm and I had hardly even noticed, when it would usually bother me. I pulled back my cheap shower curtains to check the time on my cracked as hell iPhone 5; it was 5:30 pm. Fucking great. I had managed to waste my precious before-work time on standing in the shower reflecting on how shitty my life was. I quickly finished up my shower routine, shut off the water and proceeded to hurry the fuck up.

Nowadays I treasured the shit out of any second I wasn't at either work or school and if any minute went wasted I was pulled deeper into my depressed and anxiety filled black hole of a mind. Yes if it wasn't clear before I am indeed depressed, deeply depressed. Oh and I suffered from extreme anxiety to top it all off. There is so much more wrong with me but it will come out eventually I promise. It sucks because I had so many good things going for me back in my hometown. It had always been my dream to live in Austin after I graduated from high school, I would attend UT with my promising major, meet new people, join some clubs, finish my degree, earn a salary, marry the man I deserved, have kids on my own accord and live happily ever after. All the pieces were in place, this should've been my future but it wasn't looking that way now. I strayed from that path long ago. Actually I can pinpoint exactly when my life began its slow, torturous spiral. It was the day I fell in love with him…Damien.

I used to adore our love story actually, I felt so lucky to have been able to say that it was love at first sight. I now realize it was probably just infatuation which I have since discovered I'm very prone to apparently. This will be discussed in further detail at a later time. I always thought it was so peculiar how when I had entered the high school as a new student purposefully searching for a boy who could grabbed my attention alas I had found him a few feet away from me in art class. It was almost too good to be true although it did come with its…troubles and new enemies. Let us leave it at that. The point is five years ago I fell in love with a boy who has severely altered my life altogether and is quite possibly ruining it. Let me rephrase that. He is and continues to fuck up my life. I have turned into someone I never wanted to be, all of my nightmares have become reality, I'm severely depressed and now I have become simply deprived. Deprived from human affection which is quite different from Damien's idea of affection which literally only involves sex.
Allow me to be frank in describing what sex meant to me at different points of my surprisingly long sexual history in life. I swear to you I am merely a hopeless romantic and indeed NOT a slut because every one of my sexual encounters derived from love (well my idea of love at the time I suppose). I lost my virginity at the mere age of 12, God I know, I am not proud of this number but I romanticized the fuck out of my 11 month relationship with a boy in Jr. high. Sex meant next to nothing to me, I feel I was too immature to experience the pleasures that are meant for the female during sex. It was more of a tool to me to create close bonds with the boys I preyed upon (lol). This remained the truth up until my first semester as a freshman. My second boyfriend of 6 months had been using me for sex, of course I hadn't realized it at the time but fuck I thought I was madly in love with the guy, I forgot to mention he was three years older than me. Anyway I like to think that I was so attached to him because he was by far and continues to be the absolute sweetest guy I have ever dated. However he was a 16 year old raging hormonal teen so that was doomed. Next I began flirting with an even older boy who I fell for all too quick because he was so fucking nice, cute, and funny. He might've been using me, I've never been able to determine that since our relationship was so short lived. This 18 year old had been the closest to awakening me sexually at the mere age of 14 but long story short my mom caught him in my bedroom and I was forced to move schools. The second semester of my freshman year is when I first laid eyes on Damien and from then on my fate had been sealed. I was about to undergo the most complicated, draining, and unhealthy relationship I will ever let myself be in.
Why did all these events occur? Because for as long as I can remember I've been searching for prince charming. This is no exaggeration I swear to you, I have ALWAYS kept my eye out for prince charming and by prince charming of course I mean my without-a-doubt soulmate. Love is a drug to me and I have overdosed on it. This is the sick pathetic life I now live.