Here is the Epilogue, written because I wanted to tie up a few ends and Loki is an adorable awkward ball of free magic.
I hope you all enjoy this story and the terrible jokes and one liners.
Hope to see your usernames from the reviews on my next story!
Doctor Strange knew that something was terribly wrong when the doorbell went off.
His main argument for why it was instantly a bad sign, was that he hadn't even needed a doorbell until the New York magic fiasco that had happened the earlier month.
Since that, Doctor Strange's peaceful home had been the focus of mutated rhinoceros', walking fire spewing sunflowers, and smart mouthed humanoid creatures which sneezed hydrochloric acid.
Generally, it was Iron Man who intruded, knocking his door nearly off its hinges with the ferocity of his knock. Other times it was Peter, who while gentle with his door, left footprints, on the ceiling.
Since then, Doctor Strange had constructed various wards around the perimeter and the windows of the building. He knew the moment either of the two stepped foot over the property line- and generally made his way to the front foyer where they were decidedly 'freaked out that his mojo-jojo juices could track them'.
He then installed a doorbell, which while sent a politer gesture, had been abused hurriedly by being pressed a dozen times on repeat.
Strange's eyebrow twitched and he stood slowly. He placed the cutlery back on his plate, glancing forlornly at his dinner.
He stepped away from the table, stalking across the wood floors with a growing sense of agitation.
"What," He shouted, descending the stairs to the front door rapidly, "do you want-" he flung open the front door dramatically, "now?"
Steve shuffled uncomfortably, holding a green plastic wrapped object anxiously.
That was new, mostly considering that Steve Rogers had no idea where he lived, not to mention he hadn't had a decent conversation with the man.
"Stephie!" Tony shouted excitedly, throwing his arms out in front of him as he stepped away from the doorbell, "I brought friends!"
"I can see that," Strange dryly remarked, observing the awkward jumble of superheroes in various arrays of disguises.
Bruce Banner's outfit was by far Strange's favourite, the purple hoodie and the bright orange ball cap clashed so horribly he wondered how many pedestrians turned to look at them.
"I'm sorry, Mr.-" Steve fumbled, remembering last second the man's preference, "Doctor, Doctor Strange. We couldn't stop him and he insisted-"
"Good thing too," Tony interjected, jerking a thumb over his shoulder where Clint was watching the oblivious pedestrians pass the cluster obliviously, "That birdbrain was itching to meet you after that last stunt-"
"He turned Clint's arrow into gasoline," Bruce muttered under his breath, "That's not even physically possible."
Strange observed the group, taking a moment to meet Thor's bright blue eyes, currently molded into the sappiest hopeful expression he had ever seen. He wore a hunting hat, complete with flaps over the ears, despite the warm weather.
"Fine," Strange ground out sourly, "You interrupted my dinner-"
"No worries!" Tony grinned, "Peter is bringing pizza!"
Strange briefly mourned the loss of his leftover Italian, and opened the door wider for the group to shuffle through.
The famous Black Widow was the one that Strange hadn't ever actually met. Everyone else he had fought alongside or personally assisted at one point or another. Her eyes were deceptively sharp, scrutinizing everything in his entry hall from his mahogany railings to the still dented tile on the ground.
"Err, nice place you have here," Steve awkwardly complemented, looking like he would scratch his head if it wasn't for the veiled basket he was holding, "Very, uh, homey."
"Nice ceiling," Clint added, jamming his hands in his jean pocket, "Didn't get all the footprints off."
Strange mentally cursed, and audibly sighed.
"I assume," He pointedly looked at Tony, "That you recall the way to the sitting room?"
Tony lifted his arm in a mockery of a salute before he danced off, instructing the group to look around at the oddities in the building like he was an underpaid tour guide.
Strange sighed through his nose as he lumbered back to the kitchen, glancing at his reheated pasta sadly before placing it back in the fridge.
Hopefully, Peter's taste in pizza extended further than his taste in clothing
Strange quickly stole his favourite chair from Bruce, who had stammered out apologies with a nervous flush and retreated across the room to a wicker rocking chair. His discomfort was strikingly similar to a skittish animal.
Strange dismissively shrugged him aside, turning once he heard the only female Avenger address him.
"Doctor," She nodded professionally, "You have a wonderful house."
Strange smiled slightly, there was nothing kind behind the expression, instead only wistfulness. "It's unusual," He summarized, "I barely understand half of the object in here that seem dangerous, and the other half are novelty jokes that have gone too far."
"Is that why you have a snow globe on the mantel?" Clint asked curiously, "What is it, a mini blizzard?"
"Of course not," Strange scoffed, "It's a portal."
Tony blinked, "Yeah Clint, don't be daft. He's like Santa."
Bruce spun and looked at Tony with a befuddled expression, "Tony, I'm not sure if you realize it but the Doctor does not have white hair."
"I will once I'm done with all of you," Strange muttered under his breath, wishing he still had his reserve of Elven ale.
"No!" Tony whined, "You know, like that kid movie, with Santa and the Easter Bunny-"
"This is just in!" A new voice announced dramatically, "Iron Man secretly loves children's movies."
Bruce smiled and looked up as Peter walked in the room, wearing the Spider-Man outfit in exception to the mask. He balanced six boxes of pizza in his arms, a smaller box at the top was teasing Doctor Strange with the promise of breadsticks.
"Honey," Tony drawled with a terrible southern accent, "I should star in a kid's movie."
Steve looked at Thor with a baffled yet fond expression, Thor somehow mirrored it back.
"Peter," Strange smiled, looking at the younger teen with a fond smile, "How have you been?"
"Much better since you got that ear off my shoulder!" Peter chimed back happily, "Mutant Rhinos are not my friends."
"Mutant radiation," Clint shrugged with a small smile, "surprised it got you and not Hulk."
Bruce visibly shivered, "Imagine the Other Guy with an extra arm."
The room collectively shivered.
"Anyways!" Peter chimed happily, "I got you that vegetarian pizza, and I pulled a few favors and got that amazing cheesy bread that they took off the menu- turns out people really like Spider-man. Who knew?"
"Now that you're with the Avengers publically," Strange agreed, "Your publicity has become favorable."
Natasha smiled quickly, a legitimately happy smile flickered off her face for a split second, "that's wonderful."
"Aww," Clint teased, "mama spider happy for her lil arachnakid?"
Natasha sighed, looking at Clint with her best deadpan expression- something still teasing.
"I still must wonder," Thor began, looking at Strange curiously, "I have been informed, that Midgardian Mages are rare-"
"They are," Strange started, leaning forward to brace his forearms on his knees, "There are few of us across the globe. You Avengers defend the Earth from physical threats, we work to defend the Earth from mystical threats."
Thor nodded slightly, still looking interested, "You deal with Yggdrasil?"
Strange paused, "I have seen it, gazed upon its branches."
"It exists?" Bruce asked excitedly, eyes alighting with curiosity, "It actually exists?"
"It is named alternately in our language," Strange explained with a pause, "The connection of gravitational fields and shape of our cosmic web form the rough shape of the Life Tree-"
"You aren't kidding?" Clint asked curiously, "Well I'll be damned. The hippies were right."
"Hippies," Natasha smiled slightly, eyes gazing off as she quietly muttered to herself, "All they do is smoke pot and smell bad."
"Can I introduce you to Jane?" Tony asked excitedly, pausing to point at Thor, "Assuming Shakespeare over here is cool with it, and you don't go all Macbeth on her-"
"Stark," Strange sighed, "Have you ever actually read Shakespeare?"
"I Sparknote'ed," Tony defended, glancing at Peter for help, "that website is still accurate, right?"
"Nah," Peter shook his head, "Shmoop is where it's at now."
"Shmoop?" Bruce asked curiously, "What ever happened to Wikipedia?"
"Someone broke in and changed all the info in there," Clint added with a grin, "they altered the Avenger stuff the other week. Remember? They said that Thor had extensions-"
"In Thor's defense," Tony paused, "His hair is out of this world."
"No," Clint bemoaned at the pun, "Stop please-"
"I think it's more L'Oréal." Natasha offered with a blank face which somehow added to its comedic value.
"Maybe it's Maybelline." Steve intruded, speaking with just enough emphasis to make it seem like some sort of great wisdom.
"You made a joke!" Tony pointed, crowing in victory, "And it made sense!"
"Good job, Pops." Peter nodded with a smile, "We're all very proud of you."
"What about you?" Natasha directed the conversation to Strange, who had a rather pronounced and artfully done facial hair, "Do you use the blood of a werewolf for your beard?"
"No." Strange pointedly looked at her, "I have magical scissors."
Bruce paused, "Was that…. a joke?"
"That's his secret," Peter's lip twitched as he tried to resist chuckling, "He's always joking."
"How did you find that quote." Clint stumbled, "No, seriously, Terminator over there looked through all the recordings on the web and that quote was never recorded. How."
"A spider never reveals his secrets." Peter didn't blink.
Natasha gave him a subtle high-five.
Despite Steve and Thor having abnormal levels of strength, they were surprisingly gentle when placing the porcelain plates on the long dining table.
They each had the focus of a man playing jenga, setting down the dinnerware with precise movements, wincing at the slightest click.
Natasha and Clint moved similarly, except not at all. They both walked slightly faster than normal walking speed, placing cutlery in the exact location and tossing spare knives across to one another. Strange's knives weren't sharp, they were honestly rather dull, but the carelessness still made his breath hitch.
Bruce was trying his best, brewing tea with the exotic tea leaves he quite honestly, almost swooned over once seeing in the pantry.
Tony and Peter were absolutely useless, instead choosing to bicker over the atrocities or the miracle of pineapple on pizza. The entire scene was strangely domestic, Strange almost felt the urge to invite Christine over to take part. He had a feeling she and Bruce would get along splendidly.
"Alright," Strange started, drawing attention although not limiting the steady setting of the dining table, "I would like to ask you all to not draw weaponry while in my residence."
Peter paused and looked at Strange curiously, "Sure thing, Doc. This place is a peace zone."
Thor nodded sagely, grinning toothily in agreement, "Aye! In Asgard, the Halls of Healings and the Great Feasts were peace and refuge to all."
Natasha paused, holding a knife considering before she placed it on the table, "Alright. If you can handle it, we can even have dinner with Hydra."
Steve gave an obvious shiver, "Please, let's not."
"Fine by me," Clint agreed, "I didn't bring my bow anyways."
Eyes slid to Peter, who technically was the only one armed at the moment.
"What," he defended, crossing his arms pointedly, "I'm the only one that keeps Strange and Tony in check. Facial hair is a wonderful motivator."
The two men shivered in que.
"Point taken." Bruce smiled, looking back at his mugs of exotic Indian tea.
They stumbled into the chairs, drawing them across the wooden floor with loud scraping noises. Bruce placed the mismatched mugs on the table, interchanging them with glasses of water.
Thor peered sadly at his own tea, housed in a decorative I love Shamu! Mug, the handle was in a chipped whale tail.
Strange looked at the sad sight, and with a small sense of resignation he twisted his hand and transmuted the tea into ale. Not quite the quality of Alfheim or even of the Vanir, but he felt the Asgardian would appreciate it.
"I thank you," He formally stated, clasping one hand over his chest in a sign of sincerity, and casual respect.
Strange wasn't quite sure what to feel at the sight.
"No fair," Tony whined sourly, pulling at his piece of pizza savagely, "Why does he get beer instead of tea?"
"I'll change yours into tomato juice if you keep complaining," Strange folded his pizza in half, picking it up to bite at the double layer of crust.
"Oh my god," Clint's jaw dropped at the sight, "He's a monster."
Bruce snorted playfully, then picked up his own fork and knife to cut his pizza slice into small squares, "Oh I know."
Steve winced at the sight, pulling at his own pizza and eating it with the pride of a Brooklyn boy, which meant a large glob of greasy cheese fell onto his lap.
Thor laughed loudly, his chest trembles shaking the table. His face stubble was an unusual mixture of red pizza sauce and beer foam.
Natasha tried her best but ultimately succumbed to the impossible task of avoiding pizza sauce on her face.
"You're eating black olives?" Peter grimaced, "Those things are black pits of merciless hell."
"It reflects my heart," She deadpanned once again, "You're eating anchovies."
Peter looked at his pizza with an embarrassed sigh, "Am I going to get a spider joke if I say I like how they crunch in my teeth?"
"You suck the life out of everything good, Peter." Clint tisked, "Ensnaring all that is fun-"
"You know," Peter blinked, "You could have just gone for the easy joke, like-"
"Like what?" Clint scowled, an amused glint assuring Peter that he was still joking, "Your words are really melting my insides."
Strange smiled, about to contribute himself, when he felt it.
One of his perimeter wards went off, sending him a small pulse of prior knowledge. Someone had breached his antique and trophy room and was-
"Oh no," Strange mumbled, standing abruptly and extended one hand over the table, fingers splayed, "This is a peace zone." He reminded sternly.
Then the doors to the dining room swung open with the absurd wail of a toad and an infant.
Thor immediately jumped to his feet- and was forced down as Strange smacked him magically back to his chair.
The weirdest animal Tony had ever seen ran into the room- coated from head to tail with small horns reminiscent of those poorly marketed corn chips in the shape of a horn.
Its face looked like a pug, except with a spikey unibrow. And it had two tongues, one of which was licking its eyes.
"What-" Clint started, baffled but not risking standing up.
The creature sprinted across the ground on its stubby paws, similar to four toed horse hooves. Strange twisted his hands, trapping the creature in a geometric cage.
There was a moment of silence, broken by the strange animal's chuffing, before Strange sighed loudly.
"Alright," He called, voice elevated to carry out of the room, "If you wouldn't mind, what exactly is that?"
His voice wasn't angry, more exasperated with the careful touch of scolding.
A green mist wafted into existence behind Strange, manifesting and solidifying until a casual looking Norse God blinked eerily out over the room in evident confusion. Quickly his attention was brought to Doctor Strange, who turned and placed his hands on his own hips.
Clint stiffened and his fingers curled so tightly his knuckles bleached white.
"So domestic," Peter muttered under his breath, joking although serious enough to web anyone to the chair is necessary.
"It's a Horndracker." Loki spoke formally, his voice fluid and much more composed than the last time anyone had heard, "I was...unaware, that you had guests."
Loki blinked, eyes large and glimmering emerald, "In the Midgardian phrase, this is awkward."
Clint opened his mouth, about to send a biting retort, but then Strange gave an even more baffling sigh of exasperation- as if a corn chip shelled monster was a tri-weekly occurrence.
"As fascinating as this one is," Strange pointedly cut off, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms, "Didn't we learn from the incident with the Yggrolv?"
Thor choked loudly on a piece of pizza, or perhaps it was in sheer disbelief. The man's eyes bulged in shock, jaw dropping in a mixture of pride and horror.
"What's a Yggrolv?" Natasha spoke lowly, her voice somehow conveying the color black in the tone.
"Large, many wings," Thor lifted his hands to his neck, folding them awkwardly as if flapping, "very dangerous."
Loki actually looked put out, he crossed his arms, cloaked in green and black leather armor. The gunmetal silver buckles clicked against golden clasps- strangely archaic except for the facial expression able to transcend time itself.
Loki was pouting.
"I fail to see why you worry so."
Strange arched one eyebrow, lip twitching slightly, "You had it hog-tied and was going to remove its wings to make a mantel decoration."
Thor paled and choked again.
"It would have made an excellent trophy-" Loki argued, ducking his head slightly into the high collar of his armor.
"No no," Strange soothed, as if Loki was an angry cat, "I don't need any more trophies, and I don't need a baby Horn-" He paused, looking at the monster regretfully.
"Horndracker," Loki supplied grouchily.
"Horndracker," Strange smiled politely, "I don't need a baby Horndracker."
Steve very slowly met Tony's eyes. The super soldier had the expression in his eyes that clearly read 'We're third wheeling, aren't we?'
Tony nodded enthusiastically.
"You reject my tokens-" Loki lifted his head, pointing his chin skywards haughtily like the drama queen everyone knew and loved.
"I reject this one, although not from the lack of thought. They're very nice- would you like to sit for dinner?"
"Sit and dine with mortals-?" Loki hissed out, metaphorically bursting into flames.
"Tony brought an Edible Arrangement," Strange soothingly added, "Steve actually carried it in. They're very expensive and not very good so you would enjoy eating it."
"No, I would not-"
"You like to order the most expensive thing on the menu and eat it."
Loki looked struck, "Cease your nonsensical ramblings-"
"Remember in Monaco?" Strange was trying not to smile, "You ate fish eyes."
Loki opened his mouth to protest once more, eyes glowing surreal on his pale complexion and glimmering armor.
"Eat the damn strawberry." Strange bossily stated, grasping the god's shoulders to orient him and shove him downwards into his own chair. With a circular movement of his wrist, Strange conjured a spinning orange circle of sparks- reaching through to pluck another chair from somewhere unknown. He dragged it to the table, rotating it to sit right next to the very unsure god.
Peter passed a chocolate coated strawberry on a stick politely, he only grinned when the god accepted it with a wrinkle of his nose.
"Bro-" Thor started, looking like he was going to cry.
Loki snapped and Thor floundered, suddenly unable to make a single sound.
"That would be useful for Tony," Peter offered, actually making conversation with the god, "Super useful."
Loki paused, incredibly uncomfortable with the death glare he was receiving from the archer, "It... has been well used on Thor in our youth."
Steve smiled politely, "I can only imagine."
Loki nibbled on the strawberry, cracking the chocolate shell with blindingly white teeth. He stared at the gaudy arrangement of pineapple and watermelon, grapes and cantaloupes arranged to make little flowers.
"I fail to see why you pathetic creatures enjoy such trivial commodities."
Thor's face flushed. Peter could tell that if the man wasn't on mute, he would have shouted a defense to the 'puny Midgardians.'
"Loki," Strange sighed with the familiarity of arguing the same point many times, "You brought me the Yggrov."
Loki blinked, flushed slightly and scowled, "That was different."
"You just brought me a Horndracker."
Loki looked away childishly, "That still-"
"You were going to break into a zoo," Strange rubbed his face to disguise a smile, "To kidnap me a tiger."
Loki's fingers crumbled the wooden skewer nearly into paste, "You expressed fondness for the creature." He grumbled under his breath.
'Oh my god' Tony mouthed to everyone at the table.
Natasha paused, then sighed loudly. Very slowly she reached across the table, drawing a random box from the stack and offering it to the trickster.
"Pizza?" She offered in a deadpan, trying not to make eye contact.
Loki paused, then very hesitantly took a slice.
"It's a peace treaty." Strange offered, grabbing a scrap of pepperoni and throwing it at the Horndracker, "This is a safe place."
Loki fiddled with the slice, mumbling quietly, "the Horndracker is an herbivore."
Strange nearly fell out of his chair in his hurry to fetch the piece of greasy meat.
"So," Bruce cleared his throat, ignoring the way Loki flinched violently when he realized who had addressed him, "What do you do for a living now?"
Loki blinked, appearing nearly gob smacked, "I- I offer assistance to the court of Midgardian Sorcerers in aid for Seidr H'jakleat."
Strange straightened, popping back into sight, "It's a lengthy title, essentially he's a consultant."
"A consultant." Clint's face was carefully blank, revealing no emotion, "You're hiring a psychopath as a consultant."
"Actually," Strange sat, placing one arm on Loki's twitching shoulder, "We have something to tell you."
"You're pregnant?" Tony blurted teasingly, pausing and paling when Thor didn't look confused, which meant it was an actual possibility, "Wait- wait how-"
Loki snapped and Tony silently clutched his mouth in shock.
"By we," Peter interjected timidly, "He means that like, Tony and I-"
"You?" Natasha blinked, looking marginally hurt and betrayed, "What do-"
"Guys," Peter raised his hands, swallowing nervously, "I think that Doctor should really-"
Doctor Strange nodded thankfully, observing the room cautiously, "I feel it may be time to inform you of Earth's next great threat."
"Who?" Steve asked, his voice hardening.
Loki smiled grimly, "His name, is Thanos."
Alright!
I hope you have enjoyed this wonderful story filled with snark and sarcasm, and quite honestly, makes me laugh while reading over it.
I hope you all enjoyed a little more of the new ship, and if you don't you can interpret it as a bromance.
Unfortunately, this is the end, as in, no more after this. (Unless you all really really like this, in that case, who knows?)
I look forward to hearing your reviews, and hearing how you all hung on to to this wild story.
Let me know what your favourite quotes were!
Until next time,
~Oceanbreeze7