The Mabel Who Knew Too Much

Chapter 14: Rear-View Window

Dipper woke up panicking because he had no idea where he was—and then it came back: The hospital over in Hirschville. Grunkle Stan had driven Dipper over while he was still woozy, and Dr. le Fievre had shone lights in his eyes that seemed to lance right into his brain, had X-rayed his head, had touched the astonishing goose-egg bump on his forehead, and had said, "Concussion. Mild, I think. He looks OK, but, not to take any chances, I'm going to keep him overnight for observation."

So the unfamiliar bed was in a hospital. Now Mabel could no longer claim that she'd done something he hadn't—she'd spent one night in a hospital after eating a whole page of scratch-and-sniff stickers.

Up to that point, Dipper had only just cracked his eyes open and had registered that he was in a dim, unfamiliar room, had heard the soft beep of instruments attached to him, had smelled the unfamiliar scent of disinfectant. Then with a mild groan, he turned his head on the pillow and glimpsed someone slumped and dozing in a chair right beside the bed. "H-hi," he croaked, his throat dry.

Wendy jumped up, fully awake, and said, "Dipper! You feelin' better, man?"

"Wh-who are you?" Dipper asked weakly.

"Dude! Seriously?" She sounded not just concerned, but deeply worried. "Maybe I should ring for the nurse—"

"It's so dark," he whispered hoarsely. "I—I can't see. Could you—could you please come closer so I can see you?"

Wendy leaned down.

And Dipper threw his arms around her neck, pulled her down, and kissed her full on the mouth. After a startled instant when she almost pulled back, she leaned into him and kissed him back, chuckling at the same time. Dipper found that kissing a laughing girl was a wonderful sensation. When they broke apart, she gently stroked his hair and fondly scolded, "You dog! Didn't you think I might resent that?"

Dipper laughed, though his head hurt. "It was worth it, Red," he told her. RED? Where the heck did THAT come from?

"It's Wendy, remember?" She touched his cheek softly. "Not that I hate you givin' me a nickname or anything, you—you big Dipper, you."

Only then did Dipper see that she wore her left arm in a black sling. He sat up in bed. "Oh, my gosh, you're hurt! I'm so sorry I pulled on you like that! What happened?"

"What do you remember?"

Dipper squinted through the pulsing reddish haze of headache. "Uh—Mabel and her grappling hook. And we were up the air, and I think you grabbed onto me, and then—Pacifica? Was she there? And then I think—we fell, didn't we? And that—that's pretty much all, except for later, and then I remember the doctor looking me over."

"Man," Wendy said, "you really took a knock, Dip! OK, so, yeah, my arm was out of the socket at the shoulder, but they popped it in. Hurts like the devil, but it'll be OK in a few days. You got a concussion. You remember Northby Northwest, don'tcha?"

"Yeah, kinda. He—he was trying to kill us all, wasn't he? He turned into—an eagle?"

"Right, and Fiddleford McGucket rigged up a remote control on the pterodactyl or pteranodon or pterosaur—him an' Stanley an' Stanford are still arguin' about what to call it—and Stan, like, rode the thing from its lair all the way to the Shack an' parachuted from it, see, an' him and me whipped Northby's a—butt until he tried to turn into an eagle an' fly away, an' then the flyin' lizard, like, totally ate him!"

"Oh," Dipper said. "Uh—I don't really remember much of it. It's like looking into a real foggy rear-view window—mirror, I mean. How'd our side do? Who was hurt?"

"You were the worst, man. Big ol' lump on your noggin. Stan is achy and cut up some, and I got this wrenched arm from tryin' to break my fall. Mabel hit an' rolled like a pro, so she came out of it without a bruise. Pacifica just got drug on the ground a little ways an' skinned her knees, an' she's, like, so proud of that! 'Cause she came runnin' out when she thought her creepy cousin was gonna kill us and she helped us drag him nearly outa the air before we fell."

"So basically everybody's OK?"

"Yeah, pretty much. The Professor had to have four stitches where the dang birds had cut his face so bad, but he's all right. The government guys an' Stanford took Pacifica home. Ford said her dad cried like a little baby an' hugged her an' there was, like, a big family reunion scene. Mr. Northwest swears he's gonna be a better dad to her from now on, and her mom apologized for havin' gone along with the agents' plan to protect her, but it's OK, they're cool now. They all said good riddance to Northby, though."

"He's dead," Dipper said, his voice a little tight. "I don't know how I feel about that. Up to now, we never really tried to kill anything. Well, I did chop your axe into the Shapeshifter, but he'd hurt you, and anyway he's hard to kill. And Grunkle Stan punched out Bill Cipher. But Northby Northwest wasn't a monster, just a human playing around with magic."

"Not a monster? Well, Dip, he killed his college friend and his own granddad, and he had some crazy scheme to force Pacifica into marryin' him, or else he was gonna kill all the Northwests out here an' claim their money as his inheritance. The government guys dreamed up that fake fall from the water tower to keep Pacifica safe while they played for time. See, they were just interested in gettin' that ring back. It's a valuable museum artifact, they say. Only the flyin' lizard's got it now."

"Yeah, I guess Northby must've had it on him to change forms and all."

"Fiddleford says it'll reappear in four or five days when the ptero-whatever poops, and he knows where to dig it out. The Professor guy has promised a reward for its return, but if anybody knows where it's been, they prob'ly wouldn't want to put it on their finger! Oh, and Ford has that little gem that was in the pouch that I cut off Northby's leg. You remember that?"

"Umm. . . yeah, it's coming back," Dipper said. "Great shot with your axe!"

"Thanks. That gemstone was the doodad that let Northby be invisible as a human or as an animal."

"Or a fish," Dipper said. "Hey, Wendy, I see it now—Northby was one of the birds that attacked the Northwest limousine, but then he turned into a fish in the stream to hang around where nobody would find him. He was probably wondering what had happened to Pacifica and wanted to wait and see if she showed up! Then when we came across him, he turned invisible, but great-uncle Ford explained why we could see his shadow anyway, and he scared the fish away. Man, it's complicated. Umm, thinking makes my head ache!"

"Want me to ask the nurse if you can have something for it, dude?"

Dipper frowned thoughtfully. "I think . . . I think I need . . . I think what would really help . . . is some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

She punched his arm, just a very light and playful tap. "Dude, you can't fool a Corduroy twice! No mouth to mouth."

"Aw, Red," he said, grinning.

"You really are gettin' to be kind of a bad boy," she said firmly. But then she smiled. "No mouth to mouth, but how about a friendly little kiss?"

So he happily settled for that.

Stanley sprang him from the hospital that afternoon, and he drove Dipper back to the Shack. Soos, Melody, and Abuelita had returned, and the place was open for business as usual, but Mabel was running the register.

"Hiya, bro-bro!" she said. "Wah-wow! Look at your black eyes!" She whipped out her phone and snapped a photo. "Scapbook-portunity! Wolf boy, my foot! You're Raccoon Lad now!"

"Wait, what? I've got black eyes?"

Mabel found a mirror and held it up. Do I ever have black eyes! I'm glad Mom and Dad can't see me right now! He said, "Uh, Mabel, don't show that picture to our folks before I can think up a way to explain it, OK?"

"You got it."

"Where—where is Wendy?"

"Sleepin', dawg," Soos said. "Gave her the day off. She, like, stayed up all night watchin' over you."

"Yeah," Stan said with a laugh. "The nurses told her visitin' hours were over, and she told them where to get off. Dunno if she pulled her axe on 'em or what, but she made 'em back down an' they let her stay. Dipper, take it from me—that girl's a keeper."

"Aw," Mabel said, snapping another photo of Dipper. "Raccoon Lad's so cute when he blushes!"

Stanford emerged from his lab, asked about Dipper's condition, and when Dipper assured him, "I'm OK, except for the fact that everything hurts," his great-uncle at last said he'd answer the questions Dipper had kept trying to blurt out.

"What are you gonna do with that magic stone?"

Stanford sighed. "Well, on its own, the Stone of Summoning is practically powerless. It must be used in conjunction with the Ring of Solomon. It gives the bearer mental control over the animals the Ring calls. If Northwest had managed to grasp it in his left hand while the Ring was on his right, none of us would be alive now. The animals and birds he controlled would have murdered us. I mean, under his mental control, even a flock of ducks nibbled a man to death!"

"What a cute and horrifying way to die," Mabel said. "Hah. Ducks. Quack-quack!"

Stanford nodded. "Cute and horrifying indeed! I'm going to hide the stone away, perhaps in the same spot where the Shapeshifter is imprisoned—"

"NO!" Stan, Mabel, and Dipper yelled all at once.

"You could be right," Stanford said slowly. "Well, I know three more extremely secure places. I won't even tell you about them, but I'll choose one. I'd simply destroy the thing, but—well, it's ancient, it's magical, and it doesn't have to be used for evil. And on its own, it's harmless."

And there matters rested. Pacifica came over the next day, cooed sympathetically over Dipper's black eyes, and said with a sigh that now she had only fifth and sixth cousins, apparently. "Fortunately, none of them seem to be, like, evil geniuses," she added.

Dipper said, "They told me you came running out to help us when you didn't have to, Pacifica. That was pretty brave of you. Thanks. You're really a nice person."

Pacifica teared up. "No, I'm not," she said, sniffling. "I'm just trying to be."

Mabel patted her shoulder. "That's all anybody can do, Pacifica! You never get to be as nice as you'd like to be. You just have to keep trying, every day of your life."

Dipper said slowly, "It's kinda like this. A wise someone once told me that knowledge isn't something you can hold in your hand. It's a horizon to be pursued. You never get there, but the trip is worth it."

"OK," Pacifica said. "You guys keep me on track though, all right? 'Cause I don't always seem to have a great sense of direction. Oh, hey, look at my knees! I never got skinned knees before!"

"'Cause you always hired somebody else to get them for you," Mabel said.

"Hey!" Pacifica returned, making her gyaaah face—but then she blinked and started to laugh, and Dipper and Mabel joined in.

It hurt Dipper's head a little. But it was worth it.

The End

Author's Afterword

OK, guys, I kept waiting for someone to mention it maybe in a review or something, but since no one has. . . .

First, the flying lizard isn't a pterodactyl or a pteranodon, either. They didn't have the choppers for it—no teeth. Really, it's a pterosaur, probably pterosaurus hollywoodus, or an imaginary movie monster. In reality, the danged things weren't even dinosaurs, but lizards! I have the word of an actual paleontologist on this.

But most important, this whole story is built on a bunch of puns and elements inspired by Alfred Hitchcock's movies: For example, the stranger in Chapter 1 who is fond of Hitchcock's musical theme ("Funeral March of a Marionette") makes a cameo just as Hitchcock did in almost every film he made; and the fall from the tower and Mabel's masquerading as Pacifica are references to the movie Vertigo, one of the director's best; and the bird attack is a reference to The Birds (Ford even mentions that a similar phenomenon once occurred in Bodega Bay, the setting for that movie); and the character named Northby Northwest is a tip of the hat to the Hitchcock film North by Northwest, starring Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint, and so on and so forth. As Bill would say, I have lots of references in the story. Lo-o-ots of references!

By the way, I "hear" the guy's name as "Northbee." That's how the name should be pronounced. Word of the author.

And as to the movies-Titles of Hitchcock films referenced as the story and chapter titles:

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Suspicion

The Birds

Shadow of a Doubt

The Lady Vanishes

Dial M for Murder

Vertigo

Sabotage

Strangers on a Train

Frenzy

Family Plot

To Catch a Thief

North by Northwest

Psycho

Rear Window

Why'd I do such a goofy thing?

It just struck me that Gravity Falls is the perfect setting for a Hitchcockian mystery. The plot, I know, is very loose—but that may be because I was stringing all these films into the story!

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Maybe next an out-of-sequence one-shot Christmas story, if I get the time. . . .