Author's Note:

This is something I wrote when I was in a very dark place, and chose to use writing as my outlet, as my expression of those feelings. As such, it might seem to fit into a more "emo" category than the rest of my work, but then again, if you read my usual writings, you're used to my usual overdramatic tendencies LOL

Putting a specific trigger warning here would also be a spoiler. So I'm going to say that if you're in a dark place now, you might want to skip this one, or at the very least, read all the way until the end.

There are probably some inaccuracies here, depending on which country you're imagining this is set in, and considering my lack of experience in some of these areas, I'm sure there are parts that look silly to people who've experienced these things or similar, when I haven't.

This is written from the first person perspective of someone who's in a very dark very scary place emotionally, and almost seems to idealize those feelings. If that sort of thing might bother you, this is your warning that this may not be something you want to read.

With all that being said, if you do choose to read, I hope you enjoy!

And if you are in a lower place right now, and you choose to read all the way until the end, I hope this can help somehow.

I know it helped me to write it.

The important thing is that I was alive.

Or at least, that's what seemed important at first.

The reason for the importance placed on such a seemingly normal fact, was that I hadn't been, pretty recently.

Yes, up until quite recently, I was about as dead as it gets. Intangible, untouchable, a ghost.

Yugi's ghost.

But now?

Now, blood rushes through my body, sometimes fast enough that I can hear it, and I remember now just how involuntary breathing is, and although I remember living before, and living within Yugi, these things still seemed strange.

Especially because of the fact that I was supposed to be dead.

I think we all suspected on some level that this might happen, but we also assumed it would be against some rules. Rules of physics for one thing. Brought back to flesh after being twice-dead? Surely that was absolutely unheard of.

But surely I had to be back only for some serious reason. Only to fulfill a prophecy or save the world or defeat some powerful enemy, right?

Or, I could just be back because I didn't fit in in the land of the dead.

Now, that normally wouldn't be a problem. But apparently when you combine the fact that I am who I am, and that Yugi is who he is, and that I didn't fit in, and that Yugi seems to have magic of his own, however different from mine it may be, strange things can happen.

Apparently, when the other half of your soul and his occult-loving friend summon you, rules are broken and dark magic, much darker than the kind I once used, is released.

I was summoned, called back to flesh, and it wasn't exactly the warm reunion I'd hoped for.

It was...grotesque.

Yugi called it a combination of sorcery and alchemy. He told me repeatedly that he didn't expect it to work. Except for that it did.

Coming back was one of the more painful experiences I can remember.

Lungs forming even as I desperately started to need them, a heart that refused to do it's job, as it was also still in the middle of it's own creation. Gasping and choking and crying and screaming my way back into the physical world.

The stench of blood and burning flesh and the sounds of snapping bones.

My return was not something I would call beautiful.

Of course, I was happy, elated, to be reunited with my partner. My other half.

I loved him.

I still love him.

Even after witnessing what he did, Yugi claimed his tears were of joy. I feared then, for his mental state. What he had just seen was beyond most people's comprehension, and ability to watch. He'd just seen more blood in the last half hour than most people do in a lifetime. He watched a body form from almost nothing, from ingredients, and watched it become humanoid as it, as I, started screaming in pain.

And yet, he was happy to see me. Even sitting there in shock, nude, covered in my own blood.

After that, everything was wonderful for a while.

Yes, for a long while absolutely everything was heavenly.

Yugi and I were reunited, and we were allowed to live together in the same house, to interact as humans for the first time, instead of as spirit and host.

The truth of our desire was there, even as small as it was. I sometimes wondered if he thought about it. If he felt it like I did.

The almost-there touches.

The climbing into each other's beds after a nightmare.

The way we looked at each other.

But neither of us spoke about it. And thoughts could no longer be read back and forth, so it went apparently unnoticed, or at least, unmentioned.

Yugi and I were closer than most normal friends, and I believe that was to be expected.

Personal space? We were once the same person. We shared the same space. And for a while, that was our natural order. Never observing "personal space" because we never needed to.

And then he started to shy away from my touch. Started to gently bat my hand away. I never asked why, I always just made myself let go, regardless of the pain in my chest.

I know I should be grateful to be here with him at all, and I am, I truly am.

I am grateful to have spent this time with him.

When I came back, as soon as I realized who and where I was, I immediately assumed something was wrong. Something big. I immediately assumed I had some massive goal to accomplish.

The news that I had no purpose in this life any longer, was possibly the most disturbing I've received since I was reborn here.

I have no purpose.

I am not pharaoh, I am not the world's savior, I am not even Yugi's guardian, or his "other half", or the spirit to guide him.

I am...

Nothing.

I do not belong here.

I didn't want to tell Yugi. I still don't.

I don't want to disappoint him.

Yugi remains my everything.

I can't pinpoint when this started. When the ache in my chest stopped being something that happened every once in a while, and started being constant.

I do not know why I feel the way I do. I know there are things that bother me.

Yugi is only home on the weekends now. That bothers me. He lives in a dorm room at a college only a few miles away.

A few miles may as well be a few countries, to me.

Sometimes I feel myself resenting him, and it just makes me angry with myself. I catch myself thinking, "he called me back here just to be alone?!" and then I immediately take the thought back, as though he could hear it.

I go out with him and his friends over the weekends, sometimes. We go to different shopping districts, and places to eat and arcades.

And sometimes, I forget just where I am, and I grab his hand. Some days, he lets it slide. Early on, he'd hold tight, and smile at me. Now, he just gives me a blank look. I can't read him. I can't read this expression on his face.

Or maybe I just don't want to.

He pulled me aside that day, and explained to me that things like that weren't something I could do in public. It made his friends uncomfortable, to see that sort of affection. Between two men, between someone who they know is older than anyone living, and someone they know is a teenager.

So I stopped. After that day, I never held his hand again.

I was starting to feel cold, almost constantly.

It didn't make sense to me, because there were absolutely good days, interspersed within this seemingly constant heartache coming from nowhere.

He still comforts me like he used to. When I am too weak to hide my pain, he's there, wiping my tears away. Which is why I don't understand why it hurts.

I smile and I laugh and I joke.

On the other hand, my thoughts remind me, I am making mistakes much more often than it seems like I used to.

I say something I shouldn't, or something at a wrong time. I'm losing games. I'm losing at everything. Or, when I do win, it seems to cause the loser more pain than enjoyment of the game.

I'm lost, myself.

I started to endure my nightmares alone, after the incident holding Yugi's hand. Well, that wasn't the only reason.

Yugi only sleeps here two nights a week, and those nights are for his recovery. He only lives here on weekends now.

I dare not bother him, those two nights of sleep he does get.

There are circles under his eyes now, always. He turns Kaiba down for tournaments and appearances. I hear his bank account is suffering, as a result. He is working hard.

I'm proud of him.

Why does this pride come with a persistent ache?

The group did not accept me immediately. No, it took them a long time. Sometimes I think I see resentment and discomfort in their eyes. They know what I did before. They know what I used to be capable of.

Days all run together now. Friday, Monday, it's all the same. Except, of course, for Saturday and Sunday. The days my partner is home.

Today is Friday.

I am sitting in the room they've called mine ever since I was summoned back here. I am sitting, writing a few letters on a scrap piece of paper. I don't think it'll be necessary, but I put it on the floor in front of where I'm sitting, regardless. If for some reason he can't hear, can't feel what's happened, then perhaps I'm making the right decision.

I've been thinking about it for a long time. I know it'll hurt him. I know.

But I hurt constantly. I am in pain almost every single day.

I have grown to loathe the person I've become. I slip up every day, and those events swirl around in my mind, refusing to leave me alone. Yugi's light isn't there anymore to keep these dark thoughts away.

It's gotten to be too much.

I don't belong here.

He'll surely understand.

He has to understand.

He cannot blame himself for calling me back here, but he has to understand why I'm making this choice.

Everything has been such a blur over the last few weeks. Nothing seems real. Everything is seen through a blurry panel of glass.

I have started to see annoyance in Yugi's eyes. Annoyance, I am fairly sure, is directed at me. Perhaps I just see something that isn't there at all, but as I can no longer read his thoughts, and I am too prideful to ask, it's just something I assume. I assume I annoy him now.

I searched for this for a long time.

This blade.

It had to fit a certain criteria, and I was being perhaps a bit too sentimental and picky over it. It will hardly matter soon.

It's a long blade, strong, but not too thick.

Sharp as anything I have ever seen.

It's not a butchers knife, or common kitchen knife.

It's more than a dagger but less than a battle sword.

I stare at it, willing it to understand why I'm about to dirty it. I think back over all of this as I prepare myself.

I do not cry. I do not flinch. I simply sit and think.

Yes, this is necessary. I can do this. This is giving me purpose. It will give Yugi peace. It will give his friends peace. I will not be the annoying tag-along anymore. I will be where they no longer have to be concerned about me.

I lower the knife, and reposition the words on the scrap of paper in front of me.

'forgive me'

In my handwriting, carefully written, time taken and effort made.

Slowly, I pick the blade back up and I exhale as I extend my arms, hands wrapped around the hilt.

I hope my aim is correct, as I push my hands slowly further away from my chest, preparing to finally put an end to all of this.

I know there has not been a link between Yugi and I for a very long time, but I try to reach him nonetheless. I want him to hear this final apology.

Mind as open as I can manage, and hands at the ready, I whisper quietly aloud, and speak clearly in my mind, the same thing written on the paper in front of me.

"Yugi, forgive me."

I pull my hands forward as quickly as I can manage while still aiming properly.

A gun would have been faster, I suppose in this split second of action, but blades were more my style.

The door burst open.

I am confused. There is not pain, not yet, but I feel something somewhere strange. Something somewhere it isn't supposed to be.

There is a scream. At first I thought it to be myself, and then Yugi's panicked expression comes into focus, just barely.

He's not supposed to be here.

It's Friday.

There's the pain. It's intense enough that I sway, even in my position sitting down.

"Yami!"

Why is he crying so loudly? Does he see my note? It's important that he sees my note.

His arm is behind my head now, trying to hold it up, as he's falling to his knees.

"Mou hitori no boku, please-! I-"

He's sobbing now, but still trying to slip his other arm under my legs and lift me. Why? Where are we going?

He pauses, only for an instant, before lifting me up, and the arm under my leg slips away, leaving the part Yugi isn't actively holding up in a heap on the floor.

He's talking to someone on a phone, but I can't imagine why. He's nearly screaming into his cell phone, and I almost feel bad for whoever is on the other end.

Why is he so panicked?

Does he honestly care this much?

He tries to catch my unfocused eyes, and I blink a couple of times, willing his distraught expression to slip into focus again.

He looks terrified. Is this my fault? Did I do this to him? Did I scare him like this?

Before I know it, there are men in uniforms yelling and trying to lift me, trying to get me into the back of an ambulance.

I reach for Yugi. My mind is foggy and I don't remember not to reach for his hand. I don't remember a lot. I curse myself silently for doing something that would hinder my memory at all.

That happens to be a sensitive subject, even still.

They let Yugi into the back of the vehicle and he grabs my hand.

He grabs my hand.

He doesn't seem to want to let go.

"Aibou.." I mumble, and cough before the paramedics hold me down.

He sobs, and I don't understand why. I am supposed to be dead.

None of them remove my so carefully chosen blade.

He never lets go of my hand.

"You're gonna be ok..." he says, but his voice is shaking, and I have never heard it more full of uncertainty.

The men in uniforms are putting a mask over my face, and the world is finally slowly starting to go dark.

Part of me hopes this isn't my last moment. I wouldn't want to leave him crying like this...he wasn't supposed to be home.

It's Friday.

Today's Friday, which is great 'cause it's a half day at school.

I've been home for a few minutes, but I haven't announced it to anybody yet. Yami's usually pretty absorbed in his own stuff lately, and I don't want to bother him or anything.

I figure I'll call Jou in a few and see what the gang wants to do over the weekend.

I'm pulling a shirt over my head when I feel something I haven't felt in a long time.

It's a harsh pulling feeling in my head. And then a voice. A voice with an eerie calm that shakes me to the core.

"Yugi, forgive me."

I am already panicking, shocked at having heard his voice in my head again, and then at the pain I felt pierce his soul.

Where is he?

I go tearing through the house, and had I not seen what I did before, when Ryou and I...when he came back, I might have passed out, when I burst into his room.

He is there, sitting calmly on the floor, a knife lodged in his chest.

I feel the breath leave my body in scream, and I panic.

My first priority is to help him. Is to make his pain stop. He's already starting to fall.

I'm begging him, pleading with him, feeling nicknames for him I haven't used in months, slip past my lips. He doesn't respond. I don't think he can. I think he's in too much pain.

He reaches for me from the stretcher and my heart breaks. I haven't seen him reach for me like that in a very, very long time.

I demand to sit in the ambulance with him. They tell me to hurry if we want to save him.

They're assessing the damage he did with that knife. I overhear them say that he must not have punctured his heart, at least not badly, because it had been longer than three minutes and he was still breathing.

That gives me hope.

On the ride to the hospital, I have time to think about this.

Is this my fault? Did I do this to him? Did I bring him back when he didn't want to be here? I think about the past few months.

I've been so busy with school...I've barely even seen my regular group of friends, and it doesn't often cross my mind lately what Yami must be up to...I wait for him to call or text first, because I don't want to bother him...I assume he's got a life, outside of me, of our group of friends.

Our friends...

I was mad the first time one of them told me that holding his hand made them uncomfortable. But I was shocked, and I let it get to me. I thought about it, and figured they must've been right.

After all, how did I know it didn't make Yami uncomfortable too? For all I knew, he was just doing it out of habit.

I couldn't assume. Assumptions are dangerous. I caught the way he looks at me, and I know in my heart that I give him the same look right back, but I can't assume. I can never ever assume.

Yami mumbles my name before coughing, and there's blood on his lips. I don't think he even notices. I tighten my hold on his hand, but I don't know if he can even feel it at this point.

When he asked my forgiveness, he burst our link wide open. It was just setting in now, as I was sitting in the back of this ambulance, holding Yami's hand as the paramedics put him under.

I could still feel his mind. Better even, if I closed my eyes.

-mou hitori no boku, please don't go...-

He told me he was glad I brought him back. He told me he wouldn't rather be anywhere else. I always assumed he was telling the truth.

The reality was hitting.

He tried to kill himself. And the only note he left was the small scrap of paper in front of him that asked my forgiveness.

My Yami tried to kill himself. He had been dead. He knew what death meant. He knew full well.

Guilt settles in my chest, turning my stomach.

But this can't be my fault alone. Something must have been going on...something I didn't notice...

I forgot what I'd tried to do, in my first few minutes of consciousness. Why are the walls white? Why does it smell odd? Was I asleep?

I remember, and I glance down, trying to locate my special blade. It's nowhere to be found.

Instead, I see bandages, and I find myself almost disappointed. It didn't work. This is not the afterlife, or any version of it. This is real.

-...Yami...?-

His voice fills my head like it once used to, and it's shocking enough that I gasp.

-breathe...I'm here...-

I turn to see him, sitting beside me, looking like he's been there quite a while. How is he doing that? How is he using our long-gone mental connection?

-you opened it back up when you asked my forgiveness...-

I'm in shock. He's replying directly to my thoughts. He's hearing every one of these thoughts...for how long has he been able to do that again?

-only since you woke up, mou hitori no boku...-

I feel a tear slip down my cheek at the sensation of hearing that calm sweet voice in my head again, answering my thoughts directly.

-if it's overwhelming I can stop...-

"Please don't."

My voice is raspy. Broken.

-Yami...answer me like this...please...I've missed it...-

It takes me a moment just to remember how. It's been a long, long time.

/Aibou.../

His emotions leak over when I reach across to put the word in his head. He's...relieved.

-don't stop there...keep going...I'm relieved, yes...what else...?-

I reach further, cautiously. I am almost afraid of what I'll find. I remember slowly, what caused me to end up here in the first place. I am certain Yugi doesn't care as much as he used to.

There's...hurt. That thought hurt him?

-you...honestly think I don't care like I used to...?-

I feel another tear slip down my face, as I answer.

/you're...very busy.../

There is anger in response and I flinch.

It immediately dies down, accompanying the gentle hand slowly running across my arm.

As I let myself reach deeper in response to his comfort, I start to feel waves of fear.

/why...are you afraid...?/

Surprise, and slight confusion.

-what do you mean...? you...you almost died...-

the thought is across before I even think to stop it. /I am supposed to be dead./

His hand pulls back harshly from where it was on my arm, and he gives me another look I can't read.

-if you can't read my face Yami, read me here...read my emotions...-

So I reach again, and I find hurt. I flinch again, it's so intense. He puts a small barrier around it, in response.

He's hurt and confused and upset and tired and angry and...there it is...the one I wasn't hoping to find. Resentful.

-no!-

Yes. What I felt was resentment. It's just like I thought.

He's sending me comfort and his hand is on my arm again.

-no, Yami. Not like that.-

What did he mean?

-I...did you want to come back...? did I drag you back when you didn't want to come...?-

Now I'm the one reeling back, and trying to explain myself.

/Yugi...aibou, it isn't like that...I...I didn't fit in there...I prefer to be here with you.../

-...then why...?- was his immediate response.

/reach a little further and find out.../

I feel his energy reaching deeper into my mind, trying to determine the cause of all this. The reason why I'm here. I thought he knew this once. I thought it went without saying. I thought he would have seen this on my face, recognized it in me without having to ask.

He gasps.

-I...that...that really hurts...-

He's feeling my pain as though it was his own. I feel bad, and I try to put a barrier up so it won't hurt him, but he pushes through it.

-Yami...why does it hurt...?-

/keep going/

I watch the tension leave his face as he moves past the pain, on to something else I thought he knew.

-I...I think I always did know...-

I start to tremble, wondering if he's about to tell me he doesn't return what I've just let him feel.

I'm suddenly blanketed in comfort, and his hand slips into mine.

-of course I return it. I always have.-

It leaves me slightly confused.

/Then...why...?/

I feel his confusion in return, as I attempt to send him snippets of memories. The way he'd push my touch away...the way he explained why we couldn't hold hands anymore.

-oh...oh Yami...-

He's starting to cry and my anxiety around the subject is returning.

-no no...I just...I got scared...you're...you've...it's different now because we can touch...-

I close my eyes, the original desire that put me here starting to build back up.

/I understand if you don't...want those sorts of things from me.../

He catches my eyes and yet another expression I can't read crosses his face.

-Yami...-

His mind is suddenly completely open to me. I gasp. It's completely overwhelming, but in the best possible way.

-I want everything you could give me...-

I know he means the same way I am feeling every emotion of his, right now. The same way he is giving me his everything.

I feel his love, and I start to cry, myself. I feel his love for me. I feel it returned.

-is that...why you hurt so much...? you were lonely...and you thought I didn't love you the same way you loved me...?-

I'm just present in the real world enough to watch his eyes glaze over as I return his favor, and give him my everything.

He feels the ever-present ache in my chest, and he does everything in his power to make it disappear.

It doesn't, completely.

-You need a purpose...you need something that makes you feel accomplished and whole...-

He's right. I do. I need something that makes me feel like I'm worth something.

It hits me in another wave of pain that this isn't going to last long.

/School, Yugi.../

He understands, and immediately tries to comfort me.

-You know...I've been thinking about moving back home...-

My heart leaps before I can stop it.

/What about your school...? Your roommate...?/

-I'll stay in school...I like school, Yami... but I'd save a lot of money by moving home with you and Grandpa...and I...I've missed you...-

And I feel it. I feel that he's missed me.

/So...how did I manage to fail at even my own death...?/

I feel how surprised he is at the self-hateful comment, but he answers me, even so.

-You missed your heart...just barely...you did a lot of tissue damage though, and we need to watch your breathing for a little while, because they said you pierced your lungs...they fixed it as well as they could in surgery, but we need to watch it...-

Tears are in his eyes, at these words.

In an act of desperation and fear, he buries himself deeper in my mind. I keep it open to him, completely. It's helping remind me of just exactly who he is.

He moves closer to me physically, grabbing onto my other hand and the sensation is new to me.

-we're both alive now...please...please, let it stay that way...-

But...

/The pain isn't gone, aibou.../

He gives me a look of understanding.

-I know...I feel it...why didn't you tell me before...?-

I squeeze his hand, as I reply.

/I was scared you'd blame yourself...you do, don't you...?/

He seems to think on that for longer than I expected.

-No. I'm sad I didn't notice in time. But I don't think all of it is my fault. Maybe a little, but not all of it. Yami...you might be struggling with finding a place in the world...but I want to help...I want you to get to live...-

And I can feel how much he cares. How much he really does want me to give this life thing a second (or third) try.

And, for him, I agree.