14.

Ianto woke with a gasp, eyes snapping open to flit wildly around the room. But it was still dark, he was still in bed, and Jack was still lying next to him. They were both alive and everything was all right. It was nothing but a bad dream—and a strange one at that.

Ianto sighed and shifted in his place, debating whether to get up, use the loo, or maybe make some tea. He was exhausted but restless, too anxious to go back to sleep after a long week of nightmares. He and Jack had left the Hub and picked up a late dinner along with a bottle of scotch, and had shared several glasses as they'd avoided talking about what had happened at the Hub in any detail. Given it had been several hours since Ianto's last dose of painkillers, the scotch had numbed the pain of his wound enough for a mutual groping session that had resulted in them both falling asleep almost immediately.

Now Ianto was awake, his side hurt, and his thoughts were all over the place, trying to figure out what it all meant. If it meant anything at all. Maybe it didn't. They'd been manipulated by a vengeful psychic alien, after all. Maybe Ianto wasn't afraid of being hurt, or of Jack leaving, because it wasn't that serious between them, the alien had only made him think so, but then why…

"Stop thinking so loud," Jack mumbled beside him, then shifted to wrap his arms around Ianto's back, pulling him close. "It's over."

"I know," Ianto replied softly. "Can't sleep, though."

"Because you're thinking too much," Jack said. Then he paused. "Or did you have another dream?"

"I did," Ianto admitted.

Jack pressed a kiss to his neck. "I'm sorry. Was it bad?"

"Not really." Ianto laughed. "It was actually more bizarre than anything. Too much alcohol and painkillers, maybe."

Jack still sounded serious. "Last time I was here you pushed me out of bed. What did you dream about this time?"

Ianto rolled over so he was facing Jack, just able to make out his concerned face in the light filtering through the window. He rested one hand under his head; Jack reached for the other. "I dreamed we were chasing a wooly mammoth through Bute Park," he said, and was pleased when Jack grinned. It was ridiculous image, after all. "Gwen wanted to save it, but Tosh and Owen kept going on about how we couldn't put a wooly mammoth in the Cardiff Zoo without someone pointing out they'd gone extinct thousands of years ago."

"Naturally," said Jack. "We'd keep it as a playmate for Myfanwy. So where was I?"

"You were trying to wrangle it somehow, and It stepped on you," Ianto replied. "Crushed you instantly. Only instead of reviving, all these gold sparkles floated out of your body, and then you disappeared. Or sort of disintegrated, anyway, into gold dust that floated away on the wind."

"Ah." Jack nodded. "And you?"

"I woke up," Ianto replied. He wasn't about to tell Jack how terrifying it had been to not only watch him be killed by a prehistoric beast, but to then disappear without a trace. It seemed that his fears weren't laid completely to rest after all, no matter how many times Jack reassured him. He wondered if Jack felt the same about his own fears, but would never ask.

Jack was silent, gazing at their entwined hands. The simple connection was enough to calm Ianto, and he felt his eyes begin to drift shut, content to fall asleep with Jack holding tight. But apparently his bedmate did not feel the same.

"I'm sorry," Jack said softly, prompting Ianto to open his eyes in surprise, wondering what Jack was apologizing for. "I'm sorry you're still dreaming about me leaving."

"I dreamed that you died," Ianto pointed out, although he knew well enough what his subconscious was still trying to tell him. "Which happens, so it's not unusual for me to dream about it."

"But then I disappeared," Jack said. "I know I've said it already, but I promise I won't leave. I won't disappear on you."

"We already talked about this," Ianto replied. "And I thought we agreed to not talk about it again for a very long time?" Jack raised an eyebrow, and Ianto sighed, knowing there was no way they couldn't, not after everything that had happened since their last conversation only a few hours ago.

"Look, you have nothing to apologize for," Ianto said. "You were being manipulated by the Xrillian. I know you're not going to deliberately pack up and leave, not without saying goodbye."

"You're still dreaming about it," Jack pointed out. Ianto rolled his eyes.

"Of course I am. I'll probably be having nightmares about my nightmares for weeks," he replied dryly, before realizing it was the wrong thing to say. Jack withdrew his hand and turned away with a sad sigh, and Ianto had to reach out to stop him, first by grabbing his arm, then pulling him flush against his chest and holding him tight so he didn't try to move away.

"I don't mean that as a bad thing," he said, then backtracked again, feeling incredibly inarticulate. "I mean, I don't particularly enjoy having bad dreams, but I understand that this happened and I'll be dreaming about, like I have about every other traumatic event in my life."

"Most of which have to do with Torchwood," Jack murmured.

"Most of which have to do with Torchwood," Ianto agreed. "It's not easy, that's for sure, but I wouldn't give it up, I'm not giving it up, so don't ask me to, because—"

Jack twisted around and stopped him with a kiss. "As much as I want to see you safe and happy, I think today has proven I could never ask you to leave Torchwood. I don't want to lose you."

Ianto breathed out and pulled Jack close again, settling chest to back once more. "Well, good. Because I'm staying."

"Me too," Jack replied. When Ianto did not reply, he sounded frustrated. "I mean that. What do I have to do to make you believe me?"

"I don't disbelieve you," Ianto said. "And I know you won't willingly go, I know that now, but this job…you can't predict it. Anything could happen."

"Like a wooly mammoth turning me into golden sparkles?" Jack asked, though Ianto heard a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Or a purple cube invading our dreams," Ianto pointed out. "You worry about my safety, but I worry about yours too, you know. You may come back from death, but this is Torchwood. There are so many other things that could go wrong—aliens, the Rift, technology we can't even begin to understand." The Doctor, he thought to himself, but did not say it outloud. "It's a dangerous roulette spin every day."

He felt Jack laughing against him and frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Ianto, that roulette spin you described? That's how I feel all the time, about you."

"Oh." He thought about it, trying not to jump to the wrong conclusions. "About the visions the Xrillian showed you or—"

"No, about your life." Jack replied. "Because those same things could happen to you. Every day you put your life on the line, and every day I am terrified I'm going to lose you. Forever."

They shared a common fear, that Torchwood would destroy the other in some terrible, final way. He again wondered what Jack's final nightmare had been.

"Is that what you saw?" he asked quietly, almost hoping Jack didn't hear him. He shouldn't ask, it was none of his business, and if Jack asked him in return he would have to answer. Jack, however, did not answer, and in spite of his own reluctance, Ianto found himself offering.

"I saw Gwen," he started, drawing strength from Jack's presence. "She pulled out her gun and shot everyone, even you. She said she wanted me out of the way, which was when I knew it wasn't really her. So I took out my gun, and the Xrillian revealed itself. "

Jack shifted next to him, held his arms tighter, but did not say anything. "When you revived, you thought I was dead, even though I was standing right there. So I shot the Xrillian to try and snap you out of it, only it didn't die right away. You were still stuck."

"I thought you were dead," Jack murmured.

"I'm sorry," Ianto said. "I'm all right, I'm right here."

"I know," Jack replied. "But for a moment, I really believed you were dead. Twice, actually. Gwen had a gun and tried to convince me to be with her. She shot you, it was awful…only it wasn't really you, because then you stood up and stopped her. And then…"

He felt Jack take a shaky breath before turning over to face him, as if speaking face to face were easier for him. Jack ran a hand along his jaw, down his neck, coming to rest on Ianto's hip before continuing.

"And then you were someone I didn't know, cold and cruel. You said I only ever hurt people. You wanted me to kill you. It was like being in Hell again." That was news to Ianto. Jack had told him about his experience with Gwen, but Ianto had not asked nor ever expected to know what else had happened to Jack in Hell so many weeks ago. He wondered how long the experience would haunt the other man.

Jack offered a shaky smile. "And then you shot me. When I came to, you were dead. The Xrillian said I shot you, but I knew I hadn't, that I could never do that. It said it was still my fault, and it was right."

Ianto's closed his eyes; if they were doing this, he may as well go all the way. "You did shoot me," he said softly. "In my vision. You thought I was the alien and you shot me."

"I'm sorry," Jack whispered. He started to move away, but Ianto opened his eyes, reached out and held him tight. "I don't know how you're even looking at me right now."

"How are you looking at me?" Ianto asked. "Jack, it wasn't real. I believed what you said, that you wouldn't shoot me. That's how I broke out of the vision as I was laying on the floor bleeding out. But you were still stuck in yours. You were running around your office packing."

"Because I thought you were dead," Jack said. "I couldn't stay, not when you were gone and it was my fault."

Ianto sighed as he realized the scope of the Xrillian's mental manipulation, how well it had read then and how completely it had almost deceived and destroyed them. "So it made both of our fears come true, multiple times. I shot you, you shot me… I died, you left."

"It was smart," Jack murmured. "It knew how to play us, that's for sure."

"It didn't know everything," Ianto said. "I knew when it had gone too far."

"With Gwen?" asked Jack, and Ianto nodded.

"And with you. I knew that she would never kill you, and that you would never kill me."

Jack smiled and kissed him. "Because you believed. In me."

Ianto thought about it and realized Jack was right. He believed in Jack, in so many ways but one. Why didn't he believe in Jack's feelings for him? After all that had happened, hadn't Jack proved he cared? With his words and his actions? Wasn't that enough? Feeling suddenly lighter, Ianto reached out and pulled Jack close for another kiss.

"What was that for?" asked Jack, and this time Ianto grinned.

"For believing," he said. Jack looked confused. "When you say you won't leave. I believe you." It felt wonderful to say it.

"Finally!" Jack exclaimed, but he was smiling. "It only took a psychopathic alien from the future to convince you?"

"It's Torchwood," Ianto shrugged, and they laughed, until Ianto asked the question that was still bothering him. Only it came out as more of a statement.

"I hope you believe me, when I say the same. That I'm not in this to use you. I'm not going to betray you. I like this...us."

"But—" Jack started.

"No buts," Ianto replied, then rolled his eyes when Jack sniggered. "Stop worrying about it, about me. Trust that I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to do. If I can do it, so can you. You are older and wiser than me, after all."

"Hey!" Jack exclaimed, and Ianto laughed.

"It's true, though." Ianto snuggled—yes, he would consider it snuggling and didn't care—against Jack, fully intending to fall asleep again. The rhythmic rise and fall of Jack's chest lulled him into peaceful relaxation, but his mind refused to stop turning circles around the events of the day.

"Jack?" he finally asked, and Jack grunted an affirmative.

"Do you think it's really gone?" Ianto asked. There were so many things he still wondered about the Xrillian, aside from what it had done to his relationship with Jack. Maybe if he could put to rest some of his uncertainties, he'd be able to sleep.

Jack was quiet for long enough that Ianto knew he was considering his answer carefully. Which meant it wasn't good.

"I hope so," Jack replied. "You shot it and we threw the cube into the incinerator. It should be dead."

"Unless it someone escaped another way," Ianto murmured, trying not to imagine the possibilities. Alien energy floating around Cardiff, looking for a new home. Or finding one somewhere in the bowels of the Hub, where advanced technology Ianto hadn't even begun to categorize yet alone understand still waited to be studied.

"I don't want to even think about it," Jack said, but from the look on his face, he clearly was. "I'm just glad none of it was real, that it didn't actually hurt the others."

"It could have killed them," Ianto replied. "But it didn't. It was only about us."

"It would have hurt us to have killed our team," Jack pointed out, and Ianto nodded.

"Of course. But it was too fixated on us. I don't think it was sane. Too many years alone in the dark." He'd glimpsed it briefly in the Xrillian's mind as it had lay dying.

Jack kissed him, a short peck of comfort. "It's gone. It didn't win. They others are all right, and we will be too."

"I'll type it up tomorrow and leave as many flags in the system that I can, in case anything remotely similar ever happens—" Ianto started, but Jack shook his head and stopped him.

"Not tomorrow you won't," he said. "And not the next day. You need to rest, let yourself heal."

"I need to be sure this doesn't happen again," Ianto said.

"It can wait."

"But what if—"

"It can wait," Jack insisted. "If something survived, it won't have the strength to return tomorrow, or the next day. It took forty-five years for the Xrillian to escape the cube this time. You can wait a week to hand in your report and set up the flags." He grinned. "Trust me, your boss doesn't mind."

"My boss—" Ianto tried again, but Jack huffed, lay down, and closed his eyes.

"Your boss wants you to go back to sleep now."

Ianto sighed. "All right." If he didn't fall asleep quickly, he'd get up and make some tea. In the meantime, he settled against Jack and tried not to work on his report in his head. He tried not to think about any possibility of the alien surviving, and he definitely tried not to dwell on his feelings for Jack and if things were going to change between them now that so much was out in the open.

"Ianto?" Jack whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I can't sleep now."

"Neither can I. Any ideas?"

He felt the rumble of Jack's laughter in his chest. "Always, but I don't want to overtire you."

"Can't sleep either, remember? Might as well enjoy my insomnia."

Jack did not answer, which surprised Ianto. Apparently Jack wasn't angling for late-night sex.

"What are you thinking about?" Ianto asked quietly.

"It thought you were my mate," Jack answered after a moment. Ianto did not respond; what could he say? It was the one thing he refused to think about, that the alien had targeted him because it thought he was Jack's mate. What bothered him wasn't the fact that he'd been put in danger because of it—not the first time, after all—but rather the term itself. It was a loaded word for them, implying a relationship they'd never discussed or defined.

"You were dragged into this because of me," Jack continued. "You almost died because of me."

Ianto blew out a breath in frustration and sat up. He turned the light on because he was certainly not going back to sleep now. "Jack, I work for Torchwood. I was a part of this because I found it, because it read my mind and saw what it could do with it. If it had been Tosh or Gwen who'd found the cube, it would have found something else to fixate on."

Jack did not sit up, but placed his hands behind his head. He looked troubled. "Does it bother you that it identified you that way?" he asked.

"I don't care what an alien thinks of me," Ianto scoffed, though he knew perfectly well in this instance he did.

"You know, there are a lot of different ways to define a mate," Jack said after a moment. "People hang out with their mates on weekends, as their friends. We're more than that. Animals mate to propagate the species." He paused. "That's definitely not us."

Ianto rolled his eyes. Jack continued.

"Some people consider their spouse to be their mate, and many aliens use the term to refer to the one they've pledged to spend their life with, like marriage only more permanent. Their soulmate." Jack sat up then, edged closer to Ianto. "When you think about it, a mate can be all of those things. It's someone you care about above all others. More than a sexual partner, but a romantic partner as well. Someone you want to be with more than anyone, someone you're afraid of losing more than anything."

Jack took Ianto's hand and held on as if drawing the strength to continue. "It didn't pick you because you were there, because you touched it, because you were easy. It picked you because you are all those things for me." He paused and offered Ianto a crooked smile. "If you want to be, of course."

Ianto closed his eyes to gather his thoughts, in order to articulate some sort of response. But he had none. He was too stunned. He had never imagined he would hear such words from Jack, because he'd accepted that Jack simply wasn't one to say them. Their relationship wasn't like that. It had sprung from a mutual attraction and need for comfort, nothing romantic. They'd slept together for a few months before Jack had disappeared, slowly building trust and perhaps affection until the team had betrayed Jack in one brutal blow and Jack had left them, because why would he stay?

That Jack had returned and asked him on a date had been almost too much to process in one night, but he had. He'd been so relieved to see Jack that even though he'd wanted to remain angry, he'd made his peace and moved on. It'd been like starting over, getting to know one another, regaining their faith in each other, growing closer. Ianto knew he'd been developing feelings for Jack and sometimes he even thought Jack cared about him as more than a casual shag, but he'd never thought Jack would refer to him as anything more, as his partner. Jack didn't like labels, and that was all right, because they'd been through hell several times together, chased aliens together, and slept together with an occasional night out for dinner and a movie. There was no label for what they had.

Just like that, though, there was. It was more. Officially.

"You never fail to surprise me, you know," Ianto replied. "You swagger around, all bluster and bravado, action and adventure with your 51st century pheromones, but deep down you're as traditional and romantic as anyone I've known. You pretend you don't care when you do, and long for a normal life more than any of us. It's remarkable, really."

Jack nodded, though he seemed confused. "Okay, but is that a yes?"

Ianto glanced down at his hands. "Of course it's a yes, do you even have to ask?"

"Well, it was a rather vague sort of yes," Jack teased. "And you did say something about not proposing anytime soon." He turned away and reached toward the nightstand. Ianto felt his stomach drop…no, he wouldn't…but Jack turned back with an envelope, nothing more. He grinned. "Boy, that got you. Here. Open it and reassure yourself."

Ianto took the envelope and opened it slowly, his heart racing. It was a printed reservation for a long weekend away at a posh spa in Bath.

"I thought about heading north, maybe camping, but it's a bit cold for that, and well." He pulled a face. "Let's not even go there. Thought about London too, but I wanted it to be about us, not about the past."

"Which probably ruled out the rest of the country for you," Ianto murmured, and was glad when Jack feigned insult but laughed anyway.

"Actually, no, it did not," Jack said. "I told you before, you are one of very few…and I've haven't spent much time there at all. Tracked down a hitchhiking alien once, that's it."

"So why now?" asked Ianto. "And why Bath?"

"It's not too far, but far enough," Jack admitted. "Not that I didn't want to book a week in Rome or Madrid, but we'd have to really plan for that. And it seemed…right. Nice, romantic. Things to do, but plenty of opportunities to stay in as well."

Ianto leaned over and kissed him. "It's perfect. Thank you."

"It's in two weeks. I mentioned it to Tosh and she was okay with it—squealed quite loud, actually— but I haven't told the others yet. And we'll have to put UNIT on alert since two of us will be gone."

"I'm looking forward to it," Ianto replied. He was incredibly touched by the gesture, more than he could possibly express.

"Me too," said Jack. He yawned. "Think we can go back to sleep now?"

"I think so," Ianto replied. He set the envelope on his own bedside table, smiling to himself before he turned off the light. Before he'd even finished settling back onto his pillow, Jack had wrapped himself around Ianto and was holding tight. He kissed the back of Ianto's neck, whispered something in his ear. Ianto smiled and let his eyes slip closed as Jack's words warmed his heart.

They'd be all right. The nightmare was over, and perhaps other dreams might come true now.

Author's Note:

The End! Thank you so much for reading this story, and for the many comments. I may not have replied to them all, but I have really enjoyed reading your thoughts about what was going on throughout this story. It really turned out nothing like I thought it would when I first had this image of Ianto being stabbed by Jack/Not Jack in the shower. I didn't think it would end up nearly so long and complicated, with so much introspection regarding Jack, Ianto, and their relationship. But a revengeful alien playing on their fears and perceptions about reality was too good an opportunity to pass up, especially for cliffhangers.

Many thanks to Taamar for her input and advice. Thank her for vetoing my original final paragraph. Then read some of her stories, they are fantastic!

Thank you again! Time for something new!