My demons

Author's Note: Hey guys. Nothing substantial here, just a little vent fanfiction for our beloved red head once more. Hopefully it doesnt kill too many feels. Enjoy!

Dad had never offered many words of wisdom or encouragement in all my years. They were mainly jibes about my appearance, or the fact that I was the family disappointment. He really needed new material; I had been aware of this fact since day one. I didn't really care about his malicious words any more; my heart was cold and unfeeling.

In his malice, and abuse he had conjured a monster who took form of his once naïve and fragile son; someone with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. Yeah, I couldn't even remember the last time I actually felt any positive emotions. Solitude was my safe haven. Whilst alone my brain could succumb to it's self inflicted misery, and no-one would get hurt.

My Dad left me alone a lot of time, but I guess that's the price to pay for running a criminal empire. Don't get me wrong; money was always thrown at the problem, but it couldn't buy his love or attention.

That was all I ever wanted.

For someone to say that I mattered, to prove to me that I wasn't a complete waste of space and oxygen.

That my life was actually meaningful.

I don't even remember my Mother; she left us both when I was but a child, and I never heard anything from her since that day. Seemed she too saw me as nothing but a mistake; a disappointment that she longed to forget. Then again, if I had a Son like me I think I would be tempted to run for the hills also.

What had I achieved in my life? Okay, I managed to get myself a part time job in Goldenrod Department store, and I was coping with the whole concept of 'adulting', but I lacked the capacity of human emotion, and social interaction. I longed solitude and silence; loud voices and company were something I could do without.

Other than the basics, I hadn't achieved much in my life. I had no love life to speak of, or even any real friends who would actually put me first in their lives. No, I was always either second best, or not even on their priority list.

I was used to it.

To being ignored, and forgotten.

After all, who would remember someone like me?

I had one person in my life who after a while was starting to grate on my nerves, but he was persistent, and every so often a glimmer of hope would surface, my heart slowly, but surely melting the ice that encased it.

Then, something insignificant would occur and I was back to square one.

He would spend time with Crystal, forget to call or message me, and even though to him he didn't see why it would be a big deal- to me in my warped, diseased mind it was as if I wasn't important.

That I didn't matter in the great scheme of things.

That she was his priority and I was once again taking a back-seat, just like usual.

Was it petty jealousy on my part? No, it was more than that. It was just the empty feeling of longing; wishing that I mattered to someone. That I could somehow manage to make a person smile, that they would be eternally happy to spend time with me, or speak to me for a few hours.

Was that too much to ask for?

Gold hadn't ever truly been mean to me, whereas I had to him on several occasions. I had never meant my words of malice, but when your heart is hanging together by a thread, its the only self defence mechanism that's available.

I'm hurting, so you're going to suffer with me.

When all I wanted was to speak to him, for him to call me up and annoy me with that brash tone of voice, for him to come to my apartment and piss me off with his weird habits- it never happened. I felt emotionally needy, and I loathed it. This wasn't a part of my genetic make-up. I was a strong, independent person who didn't need validation.

So why did I depend on Gold for validation?

I kept telling myself over and over again that he wasn't an important part of my life; that if need be I could make this agonising journey through life on my own two feet, without assistance. And that worked fine until I saw him again, and those feelings just died a death inside my melting heart.

The way he smiled every time he cracked a lame ass joke, and I'd get prissy over it, or the way he used to call me by my pet name just to get a reaction. I missed that when he wasn't around, and it made me feel emotionally weak. That I desperately needed his attention to just make it through another day.

This wasn't the way that Father raised me. He would be so disappointed in the fact his only Son was a fucking lowlife degenerate, emotionally dependent on people for validation.

How pathetic.

Once, a long time ago I told Gold that as long as I get some kind of attention, regardless of what that might be then it would keep all my demons at bay. My anxiety wouldn't flare up, my feelings of inadequacy would be vanquished. But as soon as I feel like I don't matter any more, or that someone else is more of a priority then I lose interest. It's as if my heart automatically knows the signs of betrayal and then starts building a fortress around itself, making it impossible to break.

I can literally feel it becoming encased in ice, chilling my very core, making me unfeeling and cold. It's the only protection I have. The only way of preventing a break down, because Arceus be damned I would never breakdown because of him.

No-one had that effect on me.

I wanted to break down my walls, and to let someone see the vulnerabilities that lay inside, but truth be told- I was terrified.

If I allowed someone too close, and they pulled out the knife and stabbed my heart, what would happen then?

Would I be able to function as a normal human being, or would I once again need to re-build myself?

I wasn't mentally strong enough to do it for a second time. That was why my fortress stood tall, that no oxytocin could ever penetrate and effect me. I was protected, and not even Gold had the power to shatter those walls.

Don't get me wrong, he almost did on several occasions. Where I believed that I could feel my heart warming up, that my walls were starting to crumble to dust. Where my weaknesses were on full display, and for a time I was totally okay with that. Then just twenty four hours would alter it completely on it's axis, and in an instant my walls were back in place.

Even though the twin demons of my mind seemed to be protecting my sanity, at times I felt sorrowful. I wanted nothing more than to let this go, and allow someone the chance to either make or break me.

But, I wasn't emotionally strong enough to deal with the potential downside.

Thanks Dad, seemed you always managed to fuck things up for everyone in the end. Good going~