Chapter 25

Beginners

With Beebee-Ate's help he had been able to navigate through the turmoil over the base somehow. One of the TIEs had managed to hit them, scarring the ship, but not too badly. One of the wings was damaged, but that was nothing that couldn't be fixed. As soon as they had jumped to lightspeed, Poe had managed to contact the Resistance's fleet. Beebee-Ate had picked up a thing or two from that golden protocol droid Organa owned and Poe was grateful for it. At least this way he didn't have to think too much about what he had done.

Every single time his mind turned to Morap, white hot anger flamed up inside of him.

Every second he spent thinking about Finn seemed to last an eternity. There was nothing to do but wait for The Beginner to reach their new destination. Nothing but stare out the viewports into the blue-white blurr that was hyperspace and try not to let the anger and the sorrow strangle him.

Had he killed Morap?

Had he killed his former lover like he had killed all those men and women on Starkiller Base?

Why did he even care?

Why couldn't he stop caring?

Shutting his eyes didn't help, neither did walking up and down the corridor.

Every time he passed the door of their small bedroom, his heart contracted painfully, leaving him even more desperate with every single time he went by it. Beebee-Ate following his every move, either by rolling behind him or by following every single step he took with alert sensors, didn't exactly manage to calm him down.

There was nothing to repair.

Nothing to fix.

Nothing to do but wait.

When he returned to the cockpit and stared at the display, only to find that he still had five hours left, before they'd finally reach their destination, he collapsed into the pilot's seat, unable to keep standing anymore. All the tension sagged out of his body like sap out of a cut-down plant.

"What happened there, Beebee-Ate?" he muttered, not at all surprised to find his voice hoarse. His lips were cracked, his shirt damp with sweat.

Poe looked over to the co-pilot's chair.

Finn's seat.

He had no idea how severe Finn's injuries were. If they'd leave permanent damage. What had happened to him. All he knew was that he might very well still lose him and that led him to the most horrible conclusion about himself yet.

He didn't worry as much about having killed as he did about potentially losing Finn.

The droid moved closer, nudging his arm tentatively and Poe put his hand on the droid's head. "I'm okay for now… just worried about stuff…" He got up again, surprised to find his legs capable of carrying him. And carry him they did. Out of the cockpit again and to the small bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed, pulling Finn's pillow close to his aching chest. Why did everything have to go wrong?

No…

He had expected this in a way, hadn't he?

He had known that his life might take this turn and he had run into this situation with his eyes wide open.

So had Finn.

Pressing his eyes shut against the tears burning in his eyes, he buried his nose in the pillow. The familiar scent was something he couldn't take easily, but letting go of the pillow seemed to be even harder.

"I want to see Finn." Poe could barely hear his own voice, but he didn't care. Organa could hear him. There was no way she couldn't in this small room they were occupying. His eyes felt like they belonged anywhere but into their sockets right now. They were hot and keeping them open seemed to suck all remaining energy out of his body.

Seeing her nod didn't bring the relieve he thought it would. "I know."

She hadn't kept him waiting here long.

After he had dropped out of lightspeed in a fringe system, he had been issued a flight vector and the order to dock alongside one of the bigger command ships. He had been able to see the Millennium Falcon, when he had docked. The ship in which Finn and Skywalker had come back in seemed to be intact, but he hadn't gotten a chance to speak to either of them yet. Not that he wanted to talk to both of them… he only cared about one person right now.

"I understand," Organa said. "And you will. I promise you, you will, but we need to talk first. I need to know-"

"Is he alright?"

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose with thumb and index finger. "Yes. He's unconscious, but the medics tell me he's going to be fine."

Poe closed his burning eyes for a moment, allowing a wave of relief to wash over him. He felt his shoulders relax somewhat. "When can I see him?"

"Right after this. I promise you, I'll take you to the medbay myself."

He nodded, staring at the table in front of him.

"Mr Dameron, what happened?"

With a sigh, Poe looked up at Organa. She was all business. Ready to tackle whatever problem he was going to throw at her.

"It was Morap," he said, reaching out for the pitcher of water standing between them, and filling up two glasses. He took one of them and emptied it with a few gulps. The icy liquid felt like heaven as it trickled down his throat. "He gave the information about the base's whereabouts to the First Order."

"He told you that?"

"Not in so many words, no." He fell silent for a moment and then proceeded to refill his glass. "I believe they had those Star Destroyers ready to strike in a nearby system to make sure no one got away once the weapon was started up." He shrugged. "Bet they didn't think we'd be stupid enough to take on their precious base."

"Yes, we believe so, too. Especially since Bendar's smuggler friends didn't turn up at the last rendez-vous point."

"This place was chosen at random then?"

"Yes. The training bases are being moved as we speak."

Poe nodded and kept staring at his hand holding the glass. He still didn't feel any regret for what he had done. Was he a horrible person?

He had never exactly thought of himself as decent in any way. Before the mission to Jakku and meeting Finn and everything that had followed, he had never thought of himself as anything but an officer of the First Order. Poe Dameron was part of that concept. An officer who did his job, helping the Order advance in reclaiming its role in the play the galaxy was laying on. He had become more than that, or at least he had discovered more about himself.

Finn had been another part in the Order's game and at some point they had started working together, relying upon each other, trusting each other, had changed everything for them.

Morap too had been an officer. His rebellion hadn't changed him, or his role. Not really. Morap was unable to trust. Unable to work with anyone but himself for his own gains. No. Poe wasn't sorry for what he had done. Not in the slightest.

"What did you do to him?"

Poe looked up again, half expecting a scowl on her face. But all he could see was the expression of someone genuinely curious. She was a true warrior, he realized, and at the same time she rose higher in his esteem than he had ever thought possible.

"Shot him," he answered curtly and sitting up straight, a shiver running down his spine at the realization that he still wasn't shocked at what he had done. That he didn't regret a thing. No. He wasn't decent. He was just Poe. Just a man fighting for what he believed in. Maybe. And maybe that was enough. Believing in something. Believing in someone to make the universe a better place. And Finn could be that someone. If only Finn was alright. If only…

"In the leg. I'm sure the Order found him once they started sweeping the base for stragglers."

"There were none. Everyone is accounted for." She didn't comment on Morap, but that didn't exactly surprise him. She was tough. Someone to look up to certainly. And he did.

"Good to hear," he said. He was sure that Morap had struck a deal with the Order. They weren't going to take him back, but they might allow him and his organization to work for them. Running transports might even be a good source of income for Morap. He had picked a side, that was for sure. "What happens now?"

"Do you want to know?"

Poe bit on his lower lip and shook his head. "No," he said. "Not really." He understood all too well what she was saying with that one question. Did he want to join them? Did he want to follow in his mother's footsteps? His father's?

She seemed to trust him, but why, he couldn't quite tell. She didn't strike him as naïve, but he also couldn't say why she'd be willing to offer him a place here. "I can't," he added. "Not without speaking to Finn first." He wouldn't make any kind of decisions or commitments without consulting with his partner first. "We're a team."

Organa smiled weakly. "I know what that's like. Believe me." She nodded, seemingly satisfied with his answer. Loyalty was a concept she was familiar with. So was Poe. But to be fair, the loyalty of today was of a kind he hadn't known before. Not really.

Blocks of ice.

That's what they were.

Blocks of ice stuck between his lower legs.

They made him want to pull away, but he didn't. He never did. Not when he could have lost them so easily.

"You're cold."

"Stop complaining."

Poe rolled his eyes, but he pulled Finn closer anyway. Being annoyed with Finn's icy feet was a luxury. Finn's breath on his skin even more so.

When Organa had taken him to the medbay to see Finn, he had been terrified. Terrified of seeing Finn like this. Unmoving, unconscious and unresponsive. He hadn't even paid too much attention to Skywalker sitting next to Finn's bed. Poe had only taken Finn's hand into his and stared down at the man lying there in that horribly sterile bed. It had reminded him of the medbays on First Order Star Destroyers too vividly. He had forced himself to listen to Skywalker's tale. Of how Finn had tried to protect her from Ren after they had managed to deactivate the shield and blast several holes into the oscillator's outer hull with explosives they had taken along to Star Killer Base.

Ren had hurt Finn, because he could. Because he was powerful enough to do so. Just like the Order would destroy everything in its path to get the galaxy under its control.

Poe hadn't been allowed to sleep next to Finn in the medbay, but he had spent every waking moment at Finn's side for the whole week they had kept Finn in this state to guarantee a full recovery. Only when the Resistance had found a new base and Poe had been forced to leave the ship to land The Beginner near the new base, had he left Finn's bedside.

Of course Finn had woken up before Poe could return to him. His disappointment of not being able to be there to see Finn wake up had quickly abated. Just being able to talk to him again, to look into his eyes and be sure that Finn would be back to normal before long, had been more than enough.

"Getting better?" Finn asked, his hand moving up Poe's back.

Poe nodded reluctantly and kissed Finn's forehead. "You should put on some socks when you go to the bathroom," he said softly.

"That would've taken too long."

"You prefer waking me with your icy feet, huh?"

"Exactly."

Shrugging, Poe pulled Finn a little closer. Finn had been awake for a couple of days now and his recovery was proceeding much quicker than Poe would've thought possible. So far, they hadn't discussed future plans, but now, that the sun was rising and another day was to break upon them, Poe felt his spirits lift somewhat. He had no idea what was going on in the Resistance, since a commitment to them had been out of the question and he still wasn't sure it was the right way to go. He blinked into the dark red rays of sunlight streaming in through the narrow window of their room.

"What are you thinking?" Finn asked.

"I'm wondering what we should do next. Any preferences?"

Finn shrugged. "We haven't quite finished what we said we wanted to do, right? Get rid of the Order?"

Poe smiled slightly and shook his head. "No… no we haven't. And then there's the bounty on our heads… Bendar's organization of smugglers is probably looking for us as well…"

"So… so you want to finish this?" Finn pulled away so he could meet Poe's eyes. The expression on his face was so honest. So determined.

Poe's heart contracted painfully.

He had been raised to be a soldier. A tactician.

He had fallen. He had put his old life behind him. Betrayed his friends and almost killed his former lover.

He had pulled free, because he had realized that he was a son, too. Because he had wanted to be free. Because this man in his arms had shown him that freedom was achievable. He had become more than just an officer in the First Order, because of Finn.

Had Finn made him this person he was now? Poe wasn't sure. All he knew was that Finn had made him realize who he could be. Maybe that had been all it took.

For Finn to speak up.

For Finn to show him a path he hadn't even considered before.

Poe nodded. "Let's do this."

7