A/N: So this is an entirely crack fic, no real purpose whatsoever except to make me and you, my lovely readers laugh. Which I really hope it does. I was bored and this came to me, enjoy.

I forget what fanfic I was reading but in it Harry mentioned he could have gotten out of Umbridge's mess if he had only written a letter to Voldemort. Well this is my idea of what would happen, or at least what I would like to happen.

update 1/27/2017: So I was rereading some works and found out which story it was I got the idea from. the story is Rise of the Dark Angel, by mykkila09. It was only a passing comment in the story, but I wanted to acknowledge where I got the idea from.

Characters are OOC and there is some slash in here, warning for those of you who need it.

"Harry are you sure you don't want to go to Dumbledore with this? I am sure he could do something to stop her." Hermione asked glancing worriedly at Harry's hand.

He had just gotten back from another one of the toad's detentions and his hand was aching.

"Wouldn't do any good." Harry admitted. "Besides I don't want to cause any trouble or more work for him."

The last part was only partly true, Dumbledore had been basically ignoring him ever since the summer. The headmaster had probably barely said ten words to Harry the whole year. He would have thought that with the order and everything, the headmaster would have shared at least some information with him or seen to how he was doing.

No, if nothing was going to be shared with him, then he was not going to burden others with his worries.

"But surely you could talk with one of the other professors, McGonagall or someone." Ron insisted.

"She came to me after the first detention and just told me to keep my head down. Going to her now would not make anything better, it would be playing right into Umbridge's plans." Harry argued.

"But surely there must be some adult you could talk to; Sirius would want to help."

"Except Sirius is a convicted murder hiding out in his dead parents' house against his will." Harry spat angrily. That was another thing he had against the headmaster, after his trial and finding out about all the headmasters titles Harry knew that if he truly wanted to, Dumbledore could have gotten Sirius free by now. Hell, he could have had him free years ago.

"There must be some adult you could talk to." Ron mused. "You think Snape would help even though he hates you?"

Harry sat back for a moment thinking over what Ron said. Not Snape, but maybe there was someone he could go to, or at least write, that might be willing to do something. If he worded the letter right he could get the toad removed from Hogwarts, possibly even killed.

Truthfully he wouldn't be to upset if she did die, she was horrible and creating serious problems in the wizarding world. Harry thought about the anti-werewolf laws that had been passed a few years ago, those were her fault. Remus couldn't even hold a job because of those.

Standing up Harry made his decision.

"Harry where are you going?" Hermione asked.

"Need to write a letter really quick." Harry explained waving Ron and Hermione off before dashing up the stairs. This was mad but he figured, what the heck it couldn't hurt could it?

Dear Voldemort,

I know this is really out of the blue, and I am hoping that you did not just shot the owl down upon seeing this letter, but I have a favor to ask. I know shocker isn't it, that I Harry Potter, your sworn enemy, and boy you have an obsession about killing, would be writing you a letter asking for a favor. Well surprise I am.

I don't know how much you actually know about the situation, but our defense against the dark arts professor, Delores Umbridge, is a load of crap. Do you know that she refuses to believe me when I tell her you are back? Outrageous right? So far she's stuck me in detention for over a week multiple times for claiming you are back. She has me writing lines saying I must not tell lies.

The ministry is refusing to acknowledge you are back, is this a part of your plan? I know you could do something that would let them know, but you haven't. Or is it that you get some adverse pleasure out of seeing Dumbledore and I discredited.

While admittedly the lines would not be so bad, but she has me doing them for hours on end with a blood quill until the message sinks in. Can you believe the nerve of her? It's some inane form of torture. How dare she torture me, when by all rights as my sworn enemy you are the only one who has the right. Does that logic make sense? At least I figure you would want that privilege all to yourself. I at least can follow somewhat why you wish to cause me pain.

But this crazy bitch is supposed to be a teacher, how is it she can go around torturing the children she is supposed to be protecting? Not to mention aren't magical children supposed to be revered or something. Even you respect that boundary to an extent, never once have I heard anything about you torturing magical children. Although what you get up to with your follower's kids is none of my business.

By the way, at what age do you recruit? Do you wait until they come of age? Because that would make me feel a little bit better. Not much but a bit.

Anyway back to my favor, would you be willing to get rid of Umbridge? Kill her, make her disappear, I don't really care. Just get her out of Hogwarts.

Did you know that for DADA, as per the ministry regulated curriculum, she only has us reading out of the book and studying theory? No practical whatsoever. Hopefully you won't stand for this, on the basis that it leaves magical child as a whole unprepared, me unprepared to properly fight you, and your faithful follower's children unprepared to competently serve you.

I've come to you because Dumbledore is trying not to alienate the ministry any further, and the teachers are no better.

Sincerely your enemy,

Harry Potter

P.S would you have any problems with the Malfoy's if I started fucking Draco? If you don't, please don't kill him, and maybe not mark him until he graduates. Please don't hurt them regardless, just your opinion would be nice on the subject. I don't want to do anything if it would be putting him in danger. And you know, now that I've mentioned it, I really hope this doesn't put him in danger. Um he knows nothing about this and my feeling on the matter, only tell him if it's okay. You can tell Lucius if you want. I am sure his face would be priceless.

Harry smiled as he finished the letter, this was utterly mad, but maybe it would work.

The next day he made his way down to Professor Snape's office and knocked on the door.

"Potter? Whatever are you down here for?" Snape asked surprised.

"Had a quick questioned for you. Does Voldemort monitor his mail? Does he even get mail? And if so, if I sent him something would he just curse the owl and burn the letter? Or would I have a chance of him actually reading the letter?" Harry asked getting to the point.

Snape blinked at him in surprise. Sighing he ushered Harry into his office.

"What is this about Potter?"

"Nothing I just wanted to ask him a question." Harry admitted innocently.

"Do your friends know about this?" Snape asked exasperated, maybe Potter was finally cracking under all the pressure.

"No, er yes, well that is to say they know that I wrote a letter, just not who to." Harry said with a shrug.

"You are immensely foolish Potter. But I will take the blasted letter for you. I will not be responsible for what happens after." Snape said taking the letter Harry percured from his bag.

"Thank you sir." Harry said getting up to leave.

Snape sighed, he hoped whatever this was didn't cause the Dark Lord to get to upset.