Authors note: There's a more detailed message at the bottom. The TLDR is: I'm going to try to update at least once a week from now on. There will be a notable drop in quality as a vomit words onto the page to meet this schedule so I apologize in advance.

Electronics and dust-fueled lamps illuminate the streets of downtown Vale. The light of Remnant's broken moon pierces the darkness above. People of all shapes and sizes roam the streets below, cuddled together under the blanketing shroud of the night, blissful in their ignorance.

He lounges atop an apartment complex, gazing up into the starless night.

"Ah," the masked Naruto sighs, his haori spread out over the roof beneath him. "The moon really is pretty tonight…"

The crackle of static puts an end to his relaxation. He digs into his pocket and retrieves a handheld radio.

"Yo, there any reason we can't just use radios like normal people?"

"Don't 'Yo' me, you little shit!" an angry voice snaps from the other end. "We're right about to start! Where are you?!"

"Mah, no need to be so angry," he drones. "Are you guys still mad I'm getting paid like nine times more than all of you? There's a reason for that, you know. You should all be happy you're even getting that. If we were getting paid in terms of usefulness, you guys wouldn't even be getting paid. At all."

"J-just hurry up and get your ass down here! I don't know why hasn't noticed yet, but you'll be in big trouble when he does!"

"Do you really think pumpkin-head hasn't noticed he only has you and the rest of the stooges as company? If you do, you really are complete morons." Naruto sighs.

"Alright… allow me to speak clearly so even someone like you can understand."

"This dust shop pumpkin-head wants to rob, he isn't going to sneak in or break in after closing. He's planning on walking in like he owns the place. He plans on getting the police called on him and is banking on me being there to bail him out. That's the whole reason he hired me."

"If the police get reports about me and pumpkin-head prancing down the street together, they aren't going to try bringing us in on their own. They're going to call in a bunch of really strong huntsmen to jump us together."

"Buuut, if all they see are pumpkin-head and a group of generic thugs, they won't make as big a fuss. At most they'll send out a single huntsman or huntress, one who me and pumpkin head won't have trouble dealing with together, if I can't just take them out myself."

"Hey, you know, the way you're putting it almost makes it sound like the only reason we're here is to serve as bait."

"Well, yeah," Naruto admits with no shame whatsoever. "So, put on a mean look and do your best~."

With that, he tosses the radio away. His gaze returns to the night and he folds his hands behind his head, staring, almost as if in a trace, at the fragments of the broken moon above.

"… So pretty…"

That disrespectful brat!

How dare he about him and his associates that way, as though they aren't even worth the air they breathe. They're human begins with hearts and souls, too!

Acting that way… kids these days have no respect.

Damn freak of nature. Demon Fox? More like demon brat.

The thug lets out a small chuckle at his own joke.

"Alright boys!" their employer, Roman Torchwick announces, a freshly lit cigar held between his lips. "Let's get this show on the road!"

It begins.

They swagger down the streets of Vale. The civilians scurry away in fear at the mere sight of them, the baddest men in Remnant, armed and ready to beat down anyone who dares to stand in their way.

At a crossroads, they find their mark, a dingy looking shop with an old sign reading 'From Dust to Dawn'. A mere glance at the building reveals a complete lack of guards or cameras or any semblance of security aside from a withered, old geezer at the counter, looking ready to keel over if you so much as breathed in his general direction.

Too easy.

A chime rings as the door opens. Crime lord, Roman Torchwick enters first and they follow soon after, their faces set in a variety of angry and menacing expressions.

It lines the windows, hangs from the walls in cylindrical tubes, fills the shelves and glimmers beneath the counter. In every color from vibrant red to pale blue to clear white, in every form from crystalline gems to silken powder, the strange substance fills the shelves of the small store.

Dust. The lifeblood of civilization.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dust shop open this late?" Roman asks, his tone polite. Affable. Almost friendly. He speaks softly, as though he doesn't need to threaten or intimidate the old man to get what he wants.

After all, that's their job. On cue, Steve shoves a loaded gun in the old man's face.

The old man stumbles back, throwing his arms up in surrender.

"Please, just take my lein and leave!"

"Shh, shh, shhh," Roman hushes the old man. "We're not here for your lein."

"Grab the dust."

At his command, the goon squad spreads out to stuff every possible speck of dust into their pockets. A certain disgruntled thug moves to raid the stock on the shelves when the sound of music catches his attention.

He turns to find the source of the noise, wrapped up in a bright red hood with her nose buried in the pages of a weapons magazine.

The thug draws his sword with a scowl.

"Alright girlie, put your hands where I can see them!"

… Nothing.

The little girl in red doesn't even bother to look up from her magazine. Grinding this teeth together, the thug approaches the vertically-challenged girl, the ting of the demon brat's words still fresh on his mind.

"Hey, I said hands in the air! You got a death wish or something?!"

"Huh?"

A tap on the shoulder and the girl finally acknowledges his existence. She gives him a questioning look, her rose-themed headphones blasting music at deafening volumes.

Really, if he hadn't accosted her, they probably could have grabbed the dust and left and she would be none the wiser. But, for the sake of the pride trampled all over by that demon brat, this girl will just have to pay the price.

The thug gestures at his ears. The little girl removes her headphones and answers with a polite, "Yes?"

"I said, put your hands in the air!" he growls. "Now!"

"Are you… robbing me?"

"Yes!"

"Oooh…"

Of Heroes and Monsters

Chapter 2: Of Fate and Fools

The sounds of shattering glass pierce through the peaceful night, the pop and beat of some rock song he's sure he has heard somewhere before blaring out into the street.

"This will be the day we've waited for! This will be the day we open up the door~!"

Naruto sits up and looks in the direction of the dust shop.

"What did those idiots do now?"

Rising, he brings his hands together. His fingers form a cross-shaped seal. Aura rushes into the hand seal, more aura than the average huntsman or huntress possesses. With a pop, two more Narutos emerge from a cloud of smoke behind him, exact copies down to the mask and haori.

"That window was probably rigged with a silent alarm," the original Naruto says. "If it was, the police are already on their way. Go buy some time."

Both clones bring their hands together in a different seal and vanish from the rooftop. The original Naruto makes his way to the edge of the rooftop and looks down towards the dust shop across the street.

Her pale features seem almost to glow in the moonlight.

Deep shades of crimson highlight her shoulder-length hair, shifting from a brownish black at the roots to a dark crimson at the tips.

Her clothing follows much the same color scheme as her hair. A bright red hood hangs over a black blouse and skirt, both accented with the same bright scarlet as her hood.

Bright… silver eyes gleam with a child's innocents… yet there is something else, something perhaps buried so deep within her that the girl herself has forgotten of its existence.

A dark and troubled past, maybe? Everyone has one of those these days.

"… Is that a scythe?" Naruto asks no one in particular as the girl takes an unfolding something from behind her. "Oh no… this is going to be the Dust-Candy Incident all over again, isn't it?"

His eyes do not deceive him. It is a little girl with a scythe taller than her, taller than him, no doubt seconds away from trashing the group of worthless goons.

They may look mean and scary, but those guys really are useless when it comes to fighting.

By no means is the little girl in any danger. At all. If anything, the thugs are the ones who need protecting, a notion confirmed when the little, red reaper dodges the blade of one of the thugs and plants a picture perfect drop kick into his face.

"Those idiots," Naruto shakes his head. "Bet they're the ones who threw the first punch, probably tried to rob her or something stupid like that."

Really, he ought to let chibi-red wail on the idiots as punishment for their stupidity. Then again, the particular idiot guilty of said stupidity is probably already drooling onto the floor of the dust shop.

"I can't help but feel there's something to be said about robbing old men and beating up little girls," Naruto muses. "But, considering what happened in my last job, I guess I won't complain about a gimme."

He drops onto the street from the roof. His fingers form into a hand seal, a one handed variant of the seal his clones made earlier.

Aura surges through his body, reinforcing his flesh and bone and supercharging his muscles. For an instant, his speed skyrockets and in that instant he closes the distance between himself and the young huntress(?), knocking one of the goons out of the way of her great scythe.

A hollow crack fills the air instead of the fleshy crunch of steel meeting aura and bone. Rather than the flattened form of a thug in a black suit, the shorter figure of a man in a while cloak stands underneath the sniper-scythe, holding the massive weapon back with a hand sheathed in wind.

Dark gold meet bright silver.

"Hello there," Naruto greets the wielder of the giant blade on a stick currently trying to bludgeon him into unconsciousness. "Sorry, but, as much as I'm sure they deserve it, I'm afraid I can't let you beat up on the idiots here."

"Aww, see I told you he cared about us!" one of the two remaining thugs says to the other.

"Wrong," Naruto corrects, pushing the massive scythe back.

"You morons are just slightly more useful to me awake than you are drooling into the pavement."

The girl recovers from her shock. She fires off her sniper-scythe again, unleashing a flurry of strikes, twirling the massive weapon about her body. Naruto blocks each slash with his wind-sheathed hand. He parries a swing, plants a fist into the girl's cheek and throws a wind propelled kick into her gut, sending her flying back.

She drives the blade of her scythe into the street to catch herself and levels the barrel right at his mask.

A dust round cracks through the air. Naruto blocks the shot with his palm. He blocks the next shot in the same way, and the next, and the next, and the next.

"Oi, what are you idiots doing?!" a harsh yell startles the goons. Roman Torchwick pokes his head out the shattered window and jabs a thumb back into the shop. "Quit gawking and grab the dust, you morons!"

The remaining thugs rush back into the shop for cover. Bang. Bang. Bang. Naruto lets out a yawn.

"You can't see cause of my mask, but I just yawned. You know, cause when was the last time shooting at someone ever worked? Keep it up, chibi-red, I can do this all night."

Her lips twitch. Those eerie, silver eyes narrow. She gives the sniper scythe a twirl, bending her knees and holding the weapon behind her.

"That's more like it," Naruto says. "For the record, I've only ever met two scythe-users before. And both of those scythe-users, I-"

He pauses. She charges at him with the clap of a gunshot.

"Well, they both could've kicked my ass. But that's not the point here."

He ducks under a flash of crimson. Blocks a slash at his neck with his hand and step sides an overhead slice.

"You see," he says, deflecting and parrying the sniper-scythe with the barrier of wind covering his hand.
"While big weapons like scythes might be pretty good at mowing down hordes of mindless grimm, they generally aren't very effective against agile fighters who know how to dodge or are generally faster than you."

A jump carries him over a sweep and he flips over her, grabbing her hood and yanking it over her eyes.

"Ah-!"

He kicks the blinded girl's legs out from under her. She falls with a small cry.

"And, in case you haven't noticed, I happen to be both of those things. But, I've got good news."

He looks to the shop to see Roman and the thugs still at work, gathering the dust.

Somehow, the police have yet to respond. There are no sirens and neither of his clones have popped, so he can only guess Vale's finest already have their hands full dealing with them.

"Things are going well," he says. "And seeing as how that's not exactly the norm for me, I'm in a pretty good mood."

"So I'm willing to share some of good fortune."

"Get out of here, chibi-red," Naruto says, adjusting his mask, stepping around the prone scythe-user. "I imagine this isn't exactly how you were planning on spending your night, wrong time, wrong place, and all that jazz. It sucks, believe me, I get it, I really do."

"How dare these lemmings interrupt you when you're just trying to go for a late night walk, or assassinate a high-profile target or restock on dust," he clenches his fist and shakes his head. "Some people just don't know their place and it's up to people like us to show them just where they stand on the totem pole, right."

"N-not really, wait, what was that second one again?"

"Not important," he waves his hand.

"The point is, I understand," he says, placing a hand on his chest. "You're filled with this, burning, passionate desire to make sweet love to their skulls with the business end of your scythe. But, unfortunately, I'm getting paid to not let you do that. So, how about I promise to treat each of the morons to a nice knuckle-sandwich and you go home-"

"Wait, wait, wait, waiiiit!" the girl gets to her feet, holding her scythe out as though it were a charm to ward off some demon. "That's not why I was fighting those guys! I mean, yeah they tried to mug me, but that's not why!"

"It's not? Why haven't you left yet, then? Does the grandpa owe you money or something?"

"What?! No!"

"You here to get the bounty on pumpkin head's head?"

"No!"

"Oh, you're here for mine? Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone tried to kill me on the job but don't you think you're a bit in over your head? I'm actually kind of offended-"

"No! No! No!" the girl yells, punctuating each no with a swing of her scythe. "It's none of those! What is wrong with you?!"

"Then… why…" Naruto trails off as a thought occurs to him. "Oh… oh no."

"It's because-!"

"-what you're doing is 'wrong'," he says at the same time as the girl.

Sigh.

"Alright, so that's how it is. No point in wasting my breath, then."

He holds up a hand. Shadow and flame form into a sphere of flickering yellow with a core of pitch black. His eyes flicker with intent. A tail of yellow aura emerges from under his haori.

"I suppose if you lead a horse to water and it won't drink, all that's left is to drown it."

"That's not how that saying goes!"

He fires off the aura bullet and takes off with a burst of wind and aura.

She shoots herself into the air to dodge the explosion. A flash of yellow smashes into her, sending her careening over the street. Another blast of wind sends him flying after her.

She catches herself by stabbing the blade of her weapon into the pavement. Before she can remove the blade from the pavement, two feet slam into the barrel with a thunderous clap of wind, driving the blade all the way into the street.

A blur of yellow stabs at her face.

It stops centimeters from her eye.

"And, you're done," Naruto says, drawing back his tail. He steps one foot off the buried scythe. "A little girl with no weapon to defend herself with has no place here. Shoo now. Go on, get out of here."

Said little girl looks from him to her weapon in panic. She tugs and pulls, finding the blade well and truly stuck under his foot. Then, she throws a kick in desperation.

"Hya-! ah?"

Naruto catches her leg with ease.

He levels a blank stare at the girl, at her combat skirt and at that which is revealed by her compromising position and those abilities of his suited more towards catering humanity's darker desires.

"Cute wolfie."

"Wolfie?"

His tail points under her skirt. A blush spreads over her pale features.

"What! You can see that?!"

"Well, you are flashing me everything. Probably not the best idea to be kicking people in a skirt."

"It's a combat skir- aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Naruto throws the girl into the air. His tail wraps around her body, binding her arms and winding into a length of chain. She falls and he severs the chain at his hip, kicking her to the side like a big, red, soccer ball.

Next he removes his foot, releases the aura locking the sniper-scythe to the street, and frees the scythe blade with a good yank.

"That takes care of that, I suppose," he says, resting the sniper-scythe on his shoulder. "Wonder what's taking pumpkin head and the goon squad so long?"

"Uh, hey boss, how come this tube isn't going back in the case?"

"That's because YOU'RE PUTTING IT IN THE WRONG WAY! UGH! Fox boy, could you give me a hand, here?!"

Naruto face palms. He makes his way over to the dust shop.

"You hold this."

He takes the case of dust, giving his employer a skeptic look. "As much as I enjoy having my hands on enough dust to burn a small city to the ground, I have to ask why I'm the one carrying this."

"Because there's no way I'm letting those idiots hang onto it," Roman sneers. "This is powdered dust. It's so volatile that even a sneeze could set it off."

"There's no way anyone's actually dumb enough to sneeze straight into a cloud of dust. That'd be like throwing a lit match into an oil vat."

"You'd be surprised."

"Whatever you say, pumpkin head."

Roman gives his shorter associate a small glare. "Your nicknaming habits aside…"

He turns to the girl with the red hood, trying to free herself.

"Would you care to explain to me why you haven't turned little, red, riding hood here into a little, red smear? I'm not overly fond of having to clean up after other people's messes."

He levels his cane at the girl, an aiming reticle popping out from the butt of the shaft. The sight lines up straight at the bound girl's head.

"Do as you wish," Naruto shrugs. "Just so you know, my contract ends as soon as we get out of here. Don't go crying to me when papa wolf comes to shove your cane up your ass."

Roman answers with a roll of his eyes. He fires off a flare, the projectile shrieking through the air at the little girl.

A figure drops from the sky, landing between the girl and the explosive, blocking the flare with a barrier of glowing purple seals.

Pale blond hair, styled into a bun. Frigid green eyes with a glare sharper than daggers. Not a single speck of dust dirties her form, from her white blouse to her black pencil skirt, a devil-tailed cape swaying behind her. The huntress glares at him as though he is nothing more than a bug and the only reason she has yet to step on him is because it isn't worth the effort of cleaning him off her shoe.

Wait a second. She's not looking at him.

"Oh hey, it's Glynda! Hi Glynda! It's been a while, hasn't it?! You still mad about the thing with the ramen?!"

A flick of her riding crop sends the masked Naruto into a building.

"Worth every cent, truly you were," Roman drawls at the smoking hole in the wall.

He fires off a barrage of flares at the huntress. She holds up a hand and the flares slow to a stop mid-air. A clench of her fist causes the flares to fuse together, glimmering red and violet coming together into a simmering orb of purplish crimson.

Roman impotently lowers his cane.

"I... saw that going differently in my mind."

The orb flies back at Roman and the thugs. A blast of lightning intercepts the orb, a thunderous explosion rocking the street. A figure steps out onto the street, six, empty, dust containers clattering to the ground.

"You know, a simple 'yes', or a 'no', or a 'go die' would have sufficed."

Six spheres of light hover in a halo above his bare palm. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Violet. The orbs coalesce into a single bubble of light and sink into his hand, a white circle appearing on the center of his palm.

He clenches his fist. An explosion of gold blows away the smoke to reveal the masked Naruto, three tails of burning shadow behind him. The tattered remains of his haori fall to his feet, revealing an emblem sewn onto his right shoulder and back. Burnt orange threads form six petals, encircling a set of nine, concentric circles.

Ghostly flames flicker along the length of the sniper-scythe.

"Hey, pumpkin head," Naruto calls out behind him to Roman. "I'll hold her off. This is a fight I don't think I can win, but I should at least be able to buy some time for you guys to get out of here."

"Quite the hyper-competent sidekick, aren't you?" Roman says. "Do try to get in contact if you manage to avoid getting put behind bars. I happen to know of someone who would be more than appreciative of your skills and talents."

"It'll consider it," Naruto says. Glynda draws back her arm. "Now go!"

Roman takes off, the thugs bustling behind him.

A salvo of violet lights shoots through the street at the fleeing crime lord. Naruto leaps between his employer and the witch, the circle on his palm pulsing orange. He slams his hand onto the street, a wall of earth jaunting up from the pavement in front of him. The volley of aura explodes against the stone wall, kicking up dust and causing heavy cracks to appear in the stone.

Twirling the sniper-scythe, Naruto leaps onto the top of the wall, points the muzzle behind him and presses the trigger.

The crack of a gunshot shoots him forward. The circle on his palm pulses green and he flips, accelerating with a blast of wind, rocketing across the street.

Another barrier of purple runes forms in his path of flight. His tails come together into the form of a massive, three-fingered claw, piercing into the street and catching him before he crashes into the witch's guard. The circle on his palm pulses yellow. He slams a hand onto the street, fangs of lightning ripping through the ground and traveling under the violet barrier.

A blast of telekinetic force shatters the street and disperses the lightning. The pieces of shattered street light up with a purple glow, changing direction mid fall and combining into the form of a massive spear of pavement.

The spear shoots at him with a furious spin. Wind spirals and condenses around the sniper-scythe. With a click of the trigger, the sniper-scythe cracks forward, smashing the giant, stone spear with an eruption of air. The pieces of pavement scatter around him before again coming alight with a violet glow.

They reform into a legion of smaller spears, stabbing at him from every angle. The sniper-scythe whirls, his tails lashing at the flying spears. Yet they reform almost as fast, if not faster than he can destroy them, one spear finding its mark and burying into his arm.

The circle on his hand flashes red.

Wind spirals around him, a ball of fire forming in his palm. The wind feeds into the fire and he launches a wall of flame at the witch. It dissipates against another purple barrier but it serves its purpose. The swarm of spears weakens for only a moment, just long enough for him to escape.

He holds the sniper scythe behind him and presses the trigger.

A loud bang shoots him forward, only a few feet away from the witch. He lunges forward, sniper-scythe flashing in a crimson arc. Glynda merely holds out her riding crop, purple symbols and seals forming into yet another barrier. The scythe blade scrapes against the aura wall and he continues his rotation, tails slipping under the barrier and striking at her from behind her defense.

He forces her back, forces her to drop her barrier, and he steps again, transitioning seamlessly between swings of the sniper-scythe and strikes of his tails. However, none of his attacks come anywhere close to landing. Glynda weaves through his attacks with ease, pushing each of his swings and slashes away with her semblance.

She flips back over a sweep of his tail, flicking her riding crop. Two, massive slabs of pavement rip themselves from the street, closing in on him from both sides. The circle on his hand flashes blue and a wall of water swirls to life around him, smashing both slabs into pieces. Those pieces begin to fall before stopping, coming alight with a violet glow.

A purple seal appears beneath his feet and the pebbles of asphalt begin to circle around him, spinning faster and faster until a harsh storm entraps him, wind and shards of asphalt slicing into him.

"Like hell are you beating me," he snarls, crossing his arms, wrapping his tails protectively around himself. The circle on his palm pulses green. A thick barrier of air surrounds him, the winds gathering into a current in the opposite direction of the tornado imprisoning him. "With my own element!"

Uncrossing his arms, he releases the compressed storm with a roar. The tornado disappears, only for another invisible blast to slam into his chest the instant the wall of wind dissipates. He flies back, slamming into the crumbling remains of the earthen barrier he himself created.

It then collapses on him, burying him under a pile of dirt and pavement.

For a moment he lays there, the earth cool against his cuts and scrapes.

Really.

Really.

Glynda Goodwitch. The Sorceress of Vale. Ozpin's Right Hand and one of the few people in Remnant who can walk all over him in a fight. If he hadn't gotten that dust from pumpkin head before she arrived, he'd have already lost.

Stupid, friggin, telekinesis. What an overpowered semblance.

"What have I gotten myself into this time…?" Naruto mutters, rising out of the pile of rubble. "Really, I must have pissed off some god or goddess in another life because this level of bad luck is fu-"

"Do not make this any more difficult than it needs to be." Her voice echoes across the street. Glynda draws back her wand. "Surrender and come quietly."

"Screw off, you old hag! I got away from you once and I can do it again!"

He lets out a heavy sigh.

"But I can't do that until pumpkin head and the goon squad gets out of here," he grumbles. "Now, how am I going to do this…?"

He can't keep up with her in a long-ranged battle.

Getting in close, where her telekinesis is at its strongest, isn't an option either. At this rate, she'll just wear him down. Even if the others get away, he'll be trapped and he has no intention of dying here or spending the rest of forever in a cell.

Something flickers inside him, like a burning coal settling in the pit of his stomach.

(.. … … ….)

His blood boils. His soul burns red hot. Flittering shadows begin to cloud his senses. The bitter taste of ash fills the back of his mouth.

(….. …)

As much as he'd rather not do something like this in the middle of a crowded city… He is all out of other options.

He reaches out to the other three pieces of himself, spread throughout the city. His two clones. The chain… binding…

Wait a second.

"Where'd she go?" Naruto asks, noticing a distinct lack of red behind the witch.

Glynda's eyes flick behind her, widening at the disappearance of the girl in the red hood. Her gaze darts around the street, focusing on something behind him-

Behind.

(…. …)

It happens almost in slow motion. A shadow falls over him. He turns, the smoKe, ash, and adrenalIne rushing through his veins urging him to folLow his first instinct and sLice whatever it is attacking him to ribbons. Wind wraps around the scythe blade. His tails thin into three razoR sharp blades.

His finger freezes on the sniper-scythe's trigger.

The red-hooded panty flasher rewards his mercy with yet another flash, followed by a stomp to the face.

"Bluh-!"

He stumbles, almost falling. A tail stabs into the pavement to catch him and she pushes off, landing across from him with a flip, her arms still bound by a length of gold chain. When he lifts his head, her eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

"You're my age!" she gasps.

"Somehow I doubt that," he groans, cradling his face.

Hmm? His voice…

Dark gold and bright silver stare at one another. A blink. His hand darts back to his face, clutching at his cheeks, feeling soft flesh instead of smooth bone.

"Oh crap, my mask!"

He finds his mask to the side, resting against the pavement. A quick mental command and the mask breaks apart into motes of flittering yellow, rematerializing back onto his face.

"Alright, you managed to land a hit on me; I'll give you that, even if it was the only armored part of my body…" Naruto says, mumbling the last part.

"Stay out of this. Or don't. Actually go ahead and keep trying to attack me, you'll make a great meat shield."

"… You know, you're a lot less scary now that I know what you look like under there."

"Right back at you wolfie. Those panties really don't match the whole 'red and black' theme you got going on there."

"Wha-!" she blushes all the way to her ears. "Quit peeking up my skirt, you pervert!"

"Pervert?!" he blanches. The word pierces him like a blade. He can feel the witch's glare on his back, judging and condemning him.

"Who's a pervert?! You're the one who keeps flashing me! What do you expect me to do when you go kicking at me with a skirt?! Blush like some harem protagonist and close my eyes?! Screw that! If you don't want me to see them then don't drop kick me in a skirt!"

Naruto takes a deep breath to collect himself. He blinks. "Well, that completely killed the mood."

He flips into the air to dodge a barrage of violet aura, rappelling onto a nearby building with his tails.

"What was I thinking again?"

The hum of a bullhead's engines reaches his ears. He turns to see a bullhead emerge from out behind a building, one of his clones waving at him from next to a head of orange hair.

"And that's my cue to get out of here," he mutters. Hostile intent flares behind him and he jumps again as a barrage of purple lights smash into the building where he was perched. He tumbles onto the street, planting his weapon to stop his roll. His tails lash out, smashing the falling debris and rubble to dust.

"I'd like to say it's been fun, but really, can't I just get one job that doesn't blow up like a jar of powdered dust?"

"White-Faced, Gold-Tailed, Demon Fox."

Glynda's voice cracks like a whip. She raises her riding crop and narrows her eyes. The air grows thick with intent.

"Arson. Murder. Theft. Kidnapping. Sexual harassment. For the past six years, you have been an unforgivably annoying scourge on these lands," she declares.

"One of those isn't quite like the others…"

She closes her eyes, an expression of immense frustration and immeasurable irritation gracing her features. "Yet the powers that be have allowed you to run free, citing more pressing concerns."

"But, no more," she declares, piercing into him with a gaze like ice. "This is as far as you go."

"As you said, you have eluded me once. It will not happen again."

She flings a pale blue dust crystal into the sky. A giant ring of purple runes appears above him and the crystal shatters, forming a layer of rumbling cloud.

"… That doesn't look good."

The huntress drops her arm like an executioner bringing down their axe.

A flash of light shoots down from the cloud. He deflects it with a flick of a tail and a shard of ice twice the size of his forearm buries itself into the pavement. A second one follows, then a third and a fourth until the ice shards fall like rain during a thunderstorm.

Crimson and gold flash through the air. The sniper-scythe and his tails smash the shards to pieces with a single swing but they are innumerable, falling on him with no reprieve. They slice into his arms and his legs, his defense preventing any direct hits at the cost of littering him with cuts.

The ice storm pins him. The sounds of sirens appear in the distance. Time's up. He needs to get out of here, now.

Wind swirls. His aura flares, a pulse of flaming gold erupting from around him. The shards of ice shatter and melt against the golden aura, his wounds closing as the circle on his palm flashes orange, then blue, before settling into an oaky brown.

"You really are too strong," he pants, his tails fizzling out behind him. "That's a veteran huntress for you. As much as I don't like doing something like this, I really am all out of options..."

Glynda narrows her eyes. The girl in the red hood glances between him, the huntress and the ruin that was once a pristine street. Both females watch him, waiting for whatever final, desperation attack he has in store.

"Bye!"

He promptly turns tail and takes off down the street, the sniper-scythe still in hand.

"Ah, Crescent Rose!"

He stumbles through a back ally way, leaning on the wall for support. Deep bags hang under dark blue eyes. His chest heaves. A bead of sweat rolls down his whiskered cheeks. Carefully, he navigates the trash and discarded foodstuffs that litters the street, making sure not to step in anything that will smell later.

"Those crazy ladies… chased me through half the damn city…"

An influx of memories hits him, informing him of his clone's untimely demise at the hands of wolfie and the witch, the red-hooded panty flasher yelling something about a 'crescent rose' or something.

An orange tracksuit with black highlights, decorated with blood red spirals, replaces the white and dark blue of his 'work' clothes. A knapsack hangs over his shoulder, heavy with the weight of his sole, earthly possessions and the compact form of the panty flasher's sniper-scythe.

Maybe he can sell it.

"Got to lay low for a bit… since the girl saw my face… ugh."

He stops to steady himself. He looks behind him, back at the city, seeing the aftermath of the power he used to distract the two females long enough for him to meet up with and switch with his clone. Massive overgrowths of trees peek out from behind corners of buildings. They'll rot and fade by the next day, but that's one of the many reasons he hates using that particular power, even when he has the dust to help him.

He can't control it and it draws far more attention than someone like him can afford. Also it drains the life right out of him. Literally.

With heavy steps, he makes his way to one of the only places to get food this late at night. He shambles into a bar, plopping his face onto the counter. His knapsack hits the floor with a thud. The bartender, a middle-aged man with a head of brown hair, makes his way over with a frown.

"Sorry kid, we don't serve minors after dark. You got an id?"

Something between a grunt and a groan comes from the mop of white hair. He reaches into his pocket, throwing a stack of lein onto the counter. The bartender eyes the lein with a twinkle of greed but still shakes his head.

"Nice try but the answer's still no. No kids under sixteen without adult supervision after ten."

"He is with me," a voice comes from behind him.

"Hey, we don't allow outside beverages in here… wait. You, you're-!"

"My apologies. We'll have an extra-large miso ramen. And a cup of your finest blend."

The owner of the stoic and polite voice takes a seat next to him. The bartender scurries off to fire up the cooker.

"Long day?"

"Something like that," Naruto groans, turning his head to get a look at his mysterious benefactor. "I don't know who you are but tha-"

Blue eyes meet brown. In that instant, understanding dawns on him over the panicked reaction of the bartender. He then rolls his face back onto the counter, attempting to become one with the bar.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

The man clad in green and black takes a sip of his coffee.

"Is something wrong?" he asks.

"Nope!" Naruto shoots up in his seat with a smile full of teeth. "Nothing is wrong! Absolutely nothing is wrong! Everything is perfect! You're Ozpin, right? Ozpin, the Great and the Terrible, headmaster of Beacon Academy, right? The name's Naruto Uzumaki, nice to meet ya!"

"Indeed," his outburst fails to phase the most powerful man in Vale at all, Ozpin remaining as expressionless as a hunk of wood. "Naruto… Uzumaki. That name. You are from the Elemental Isles, are you not?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?!"

"I was acquainted with a man from the Elemental Isles about twenty years ago, in the closing days of the Third Great War," Ozpin says, resting his mug on the counter. "Somehow our conversation that day led to the topic of how differently we named the children in our respective homelands. Much like how we name our children after colors to celebrate individuality in the Kingdoms, he told me that in the Elemental Nations, they use words from the language of their ancestors as names to remember the mistakes of the past. Before he returned to his homeland, he taught me a few words from the language."

"If I am not mistaken, your name means 'Maelstrom Spiral'," he says, glancing at the spiral sewn onto Naruto's shoulder. "A very apt description, if I do say so myself."

Naruto blinks. "Huh… didn't know that."

"The meaning of your name?"

"Everything you just said."

"Ah."

He takes a deep breath. Even though he's never really worn the mask to hide his identity, it has had the fortunate side effect of allowing him to mingle in a crowd. Aside from his white hair, nothing else is really there to expose him. Just because that girl saw his face, it doesn't mean this man will know who he is.

This has to be a coincidence. A very, very, very impossible coincidence.

The bartender arrives with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and a bowl of ramen. Naruto breaks a pair of chopsticks and digs in while Ozpin takes a sip of the coffee. "Tell me, what is someone your age doing out this late at night? Haven't you heard the commotion?"

"Ommuhsion?" Naruto slurps up the noodles, clearing his throat. "What do you mean?"

"The White-Faced, Gold-Tailed, Demon Fox has appeared in this city."

Naruto freezes. The moment passes and he continues eating his foot at a much more sedate pace. "Is that what everyone was freaking out about earlier? What'd that guy do this time?"

"Obstruction of justice. After a robbery gone wrong, he fought an experienced huntress to a standstill to allow his associate to escape."

"Really? He must be pretty strong then."

"He is," Ozpin says. A glimmer of… something appears in those dull brown eyes. Maybe curiosity. Maybe suspicion. "It's enough to make you wonder. Why would such a capable young man choose to lead a life of crime?"

"Maybe he's just an asshole."

"That is certainly what most mainstream media seems to think," Ozpin admits. "However, I believe there may be more to his story."

He focuses on the TV screen above the bar, showing the image of a figure in white and black, fighting a huntress garbed in black, white, and purple. "The circumstances over his sudden appearance are almost as mysterious and enigmatic as he is. No one really knows much about him… apart from his penchant for troublemaking and sexual deviancy."

Naruto's eye twitches. "Is that so…"

"It's enough to make one question why someone like this 'Demon Fox' would choose to live the way he does."

The bar falls silent aside from the noise from the television. Naruto finishes his ramen without saying a word, stirring the leftover soup and watching the spices and bits and pieces swirl at the bottom of the bowl.

"The paths we find ourselves on are paved by the consequences of our actions. That much is true, but…"

His lips thin into a thoughtful frown.

"Sometimes because of friends or family or a lack thereof, some people will find themselves doing things they regret. They fall into this bottomless abyss where the only way to survive is to become like the things that dragged them down there in the first place."

His eyes go unfocused, almost as though he sees something else in that bowl of swirling broth.

"Some choose to die clinging to their ideals. Some are rescued by those around them. But the others…"

He lifts the bowl to his lips and downs the bowl in one go, smiling a rueful smile.

"Nobody to save them and too selfish to drown, they become the very same as the monsters that created them."

"I see," Ozpin finishes his coffee. He places the empty cup onto the counter. "Let us stop beating around the bush. I know who you are… and you know who I am."

Naruto's hand twitches towards his knapsack. Aura leaks through the seal on his stomach, his already exhausted body aching in protest. This is a fight he knows he can't win… but like hell he won't go down fighting.

"Tell me, Naruto…"

His muscles tense. With the back of his foot, he tosses his knapsack into the air-!

"… Would you like to come to my school?"

"… Eh?"

Longer Authors Note:

Wow I suck. Three months for a single update? And to think I planned to release the second chapter before the first episode of RWBY vol 4 came out.

Well, as my English Professor once told me, 'writing is never done, it's just due.' Just to give you all, my unfortunate readers, an idea of how bad I am about that kind of thing, this story is a rewrite of the Of Ramen, Puke and Cookies story I put out almost one year ago.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably spend another five months on chapter three so I've made a new year's resolution to update at least once every week. I've updated chapter one a bit so that'll just have to count for week 1( linebreak formatting please. I'll probably do another, big update later).

That being said, there will be a notable drop in the quality of my writing as I attempt to vomit words onto the page to meet this schedule. I could also use an editor if anyone is up to the task of helping me keep an eye out for grammar issues or telling me an idea is stupid and not to do it. Just spend me a pm.

Thanks for reading.