Author's Notes

1. If you've read my other stories, please be aware that this story is, uh, very different from most of them. Sunshine said somewhere that there wasn't enough K/S kink, and I undertook to add to that. :-) So this story isn't just slashy but also involves both dominance/submission and the intentional infliction of pain. If that's not your cup of tea, now is the time to move on.

2. In "The Naked Time," right before Nurse Chapel confesses her love for Spock, she says something else, something that many fans have skipped over, because it didn't seem to go with what she said right afterwards. She said, "The men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that, but you're part human too. I know you don't, you couldn't, hurt me, would you?"

Wait, what? The men from Vulcan generally "treat their women strangely," and the form this takes is that they hurt the women? Is she talking about domestic violence, about rough sex, about consensual sadomasochism, or what?

Well, in Leonard Nimoy's second autobiography, I Am Spock, he reproduces an excerpt from an internal memo that Gene Roddenberry sent around to the cast and crew of Star Trek in May of 1966. The words in italics in the paragraph below are from Mr. Nimoy's excerpt of that memo, quoted from I Am Spock (p.66 of the hardcover first edition):

[Emotional repression on Vulcan] probably led to a need for hypnosis as part of the sex act, and we may gather from time to time that love on Spock's planet has a somewhat more violent quality than Earth's aesthetics permit mankind to enjoy. [emphasis added]

"Somewhat more violent quality," huh? I guess that's why Nurse Chapel has heard rumors that Vulcan men cause physical pain to the women they're involved with. So, we're talking considerable roughness at the very least, and sadomasochism as a possibility, and this is normal Vulcan sexuality, not any kind of kink? Fascinating, as the man in question would say. :-)

It seems unlikely that this is supposed to be limited to the once-every-seven-years event of pon farr, partly because "The Naked Time" was produced an entire year before "Amok Time" invented pon farr, and partly because Roddenberry's memo doesn't say that Vulcan sex is "somewhat more violent" sometimes or once in awhile; he just says flat out that it's more violent.

Obviously, we don't know exactly what Gene Roddenberry meant by "somewhat more violent" or what was meant by "the men from Vulcan treat their women strangely," but the existence of this memo and these lines has given legions of fanfic authors a lot of latitude to imagine some very interesting things while still sticking pretty close to canon. :-)

(And since Klingon sexuality is said to involve broken bones, very rough sex was clearly on the minds of at least some of Star Trek's writers.)

3. It is customary to italicize foreign words in English text. Usually we don't italicize pon farr in Star Trek fan fiction, since we all know what it means ... or think we know. I'm following the convention of italicizing it as a foreign word, to remind us all that it IS a foreign word, and that we may not know everything that's involved in it... :-)

4. This story takes place the day after "The Immunity Syndrome."

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Practice Pon Farr

by Weird Little Stories

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Kirk walked into Spock's quarters, where Spock was sitting behind his desk, practicing the lute. The Vulcan pressed a hand to the strings, silencing them, and looked up at Kirk. "Do you require something, Captain?"

Kirk took the lute from Spock's hands and set it gently on the desk, then smiled down at him. "Yes, I require something, Spock; I require you. You almost died yesterday, and that made me realize that I can't keep putting off talking to you about something important."

Spock gestured toward a chair. "Please sit and tell me what you wish to say."

Kirk sat, then leaned forward and looked intently at Spock. "We've been friends for awhile now, and that friendship has become the most important relationship in my life. I realized yesterday when we thought we'd lost you that I don't want to share just duty and meals and chess with you; I also want you to share my heart, my bed, and my life."

Spock exhaled audibly. "Jim, nothing would please me more than to become your lover, but I cannot. If we were to become lovers, I would be drawn to you during my next pon farr, and I will not inflict that upon you."

Kirk smiled. "So you'd be drawn to me. So what? I want to be the one to take care of you during your next pon farr."

Spock closed his eyes briefly to hide the pain in them, then opened them again. "Jim, what do you think pon farr consists of?"

Kirk said, "You called it 'the time of mating,' so I've been assuming that we'd have a lot of sex for a day or two, and given that you talked about a telepathic link with T'Pring, I figured that you'd want or need to meld with me."

Spock shook his head. "If that were all that pon farr required of you, I would have already approached you, long since. But Jim," Spock looked at Kirk, moved enough that sadness was visible on the usually stoic features, "Vulcan sexuality is not exactly like human sexuality at the best of times, and during pon farr, our differences are pronounced."

Kirk waved a hand in the air, brushing that off. "Your mother's been married to Sarek for decades, so it can't be that big of a deal."

Spock stiffened. "It is a regrettable fact of my parents' life that my father uses a Vulcan surrogate during his Time."

Kirk looked surprised. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry into your family's secrets. But, if your father uses a Vulcan surrogate during pon farr, couldn't you do the same?"

Spock shook his head. "I could not. The telepathic bond between my parents is weak enough that Sarek can use a Vulcan surrogate, but your mind and mine are highly compatible, so compatible that I must be extremely careful when we meld in the line of duty, lest I strengthen the bond between us to the point where I would be drawn to you during my next Time even in the absence of a sexual relationship between us."

Kirk processed this. "Ah. But that just proves my point, then — we're so compatible that we should be lovers."

Spock allowed some of his exasperation to show. "Yes, Jim, I am aware of this. I am so highly aware of it that I find you a constant temptation, one that I resist for your sake, not my own."

Kirk smiled. "I should have known that if you ever turned me down, it would be for some noble reason." He sobered. "I'm afraid that just knowing that you're protecting me isn't good enough. I need to know exactly what would happen during pon farr. What's involved in this Vulcan sexuality that you're so determined not to inflict on me?"

Spock sighed, then looked amused. "And I should have known that you would not be deterred by vague warnings but would demand all the facts. Very well, I will tell you."

Spock rose from his chair and went to the fire pot next to his bed. He added incense to the depression in the statue, and a heady aroma began to perfume the air. He ordered the computer to change the room's settings to Vulcan twilight, and the air became noticeably hotter — though still cooler than during the Vulcan day — and the lights became dimmer and redder. In one smooth motion, he removed both his tunic and his undershirt, throwing them on the bed, and stalked back into the main room wearing only his trousers and boots.

Kirk swallowed. He'd gone from his own starship to a facsimile of Vulcan, and his would-be lover had discarded his Starfleet insignia and civilized casing and was now half naked. Nor was that the only change in Spock, who was walking with a predatory gait that Kirk had never seen before, and who was looking at him with a feral gaze that Kirk hadn't even known Spock was capable of. The changes were more subtly disturbing than he would have expected, and he realized that Spock was doing this on purpose, to make sure Kirk got the message. He didn't yet know what that message was, but his "unemotional" first officer was making sure that the emotional nuances and resonances of the setting would support the information he was about to convey.

Spock stood in front of Kirk, who was still seated in his chair, looming over the captain and looking more alien than usual in the dim red light, which seemed to highlight the angularity of his face. Spock's voice, usually so smooth and pleasant to listen to, was deeper and raspier than usual. "When I told you that I needed to take a wife, I was not referring merely to sexual congress, nor even merely to a mind meld. Vulcan marital relationships are firmly egalitarian in the vast majority of a couple's life, as befits a relationship between logical people, but in the area of sexuality, neither the mind nor the civilized being holds sway. In this one area, we are controlled by our biology, and our sexual behavior is regulated almost exclusively by biological factors, to a degree that you humans, with your greater ability to make sexual choices, would find incomprehensible. Vulcan males are sexually dominant — one could even say extremely sexually dominant — to a degree that you would no doubt find distasteful."

Kirk resisted the desire to move his chair back. "But I'm male, too; I'm not a wife you could 'take' but a husband."

Spock shook his head. "You are male, but you are human. The civilized part of me recognizes your excellence and your worth, but the less civilized part of me knows that you are physically weaker than I, and during pon farr, it is this less civilized aspect that will control my behavior. You are weaker than even a Vulcan female, so I would not see you as less deserving of my dominance because you are male but as more deserving of my dominance because you are human."

Kirk called up the bravado that had enabled him to face down would-be gods and self-proclaimed superior races so many times in the past. "So you want to be the one to do the fucking during pon farr." He shrugged. "I can live with that, as long as I get to do my share of it the rest of the time."

Spock leaned down and clamped a hand over each of Kirk's wrists where they rested on the arms of his chair. "I am not using the word 'dominance' figuratively, to describe which partner would perform the inserter role during intercourse."

Spock leaned on his hands, letting Kirk feel the strength that he usually masked around his human colleagues and stared fiercely into Kirk's eyes. "I would take control of your body and your mind. I would claim you for my own and mark you as mine. Nor would these marks be merely decorative or purely symbolic; I would tear your flesh with my teeth and leave you bleeding beneath me. Nor would that be all." He paused for a moment, to assess Kirk's reaction to what he'd said so far.

Kirk squirmed in his chair, trying unsuccessfully to free his wrists from Spock's restraint, not because he wanted to get away but because he wanted not to. He struggled, the better to feel Spock's strength and the better to feel his own temporary helplessness.

It is a well-known fact that many men who are extremely powerful in their professional lives are sexually submissive in their private lives. James Kirk was the best starship captain of his generation, and he could make split-second decision after split-second decision — ones that would determine, at minimum, the fate of 430 lives, and at maximum, the fate of the Federation, or even of the galaxy. He could order his crew to battle stations, knowing that some of them were likely to die in the duty; as he had proved yesterday, he could even order his closest friend to all-but-certain death.

James Kirk could do all of this and do it well — he could even do it for an indefinitely long period of time — but for all that he was an exceptional human being, he was human. His psyche longed for the vacation from being in charge, for the vacation from having to make a thousand decisions a day, for the vacation from having all hands look to him as the ultimate authority, that sexual submission would provide.

He'd attempted to play a submissive role in a few past relationships and been disappointed. Although many submissives longed to lay their submission at their dominant's feet like a present, Kirk wanted to have his submission wrested from him — with his prior consent, of course — by a person who could legitimately overpower him. Even though he genuinely wanted the submissive role, his need for power and control was too strong for him to easily set that power aside, and he could only truly give it up if forced to.

Kirk had found some lovers who could overpower him physically, but those people were no match for his restless and creative mind. He'd found a few who could match his intellectual level, but those few were completely unable to control his brawny physique. He'd ultimately decided that what he wanted was unobtainable; there was no one who could overcome his great strength who could also counter his tactical brilliance, who could counter his restless energy and intelligent mind with energy and intelligence to match or supersede his. He'd begun to perform the dominant's role, himself, because at least there he could enjoy his submissive's pleasure vicariously. He'd found that taking the wrong role in the dance was better than not dancing at all.

And while it was true that he'd never found anyone who could handle him, it was also true that Kirk had never found anyone he could allow himself to truly submit to, because he'd never found anyone he considered worthy of his submission. He wasn't completely sure of what it would take for him to consider someone worthy; he just knew that he'd never found it until he met Spock. And while he'd known Spock was worthy, until now, he'd believed that his restrained and exquisitely civilized Vulcan first officer would see dominance games merely as a further example of humans' regrettable lack of logic. It had never occurred to him that perhaps dominance wouldn't be a game for Vulcans but a reality, a reality he could experience if only he could convince Spock he was up to it.

Spock looked down at Kirk and saw the pupils of the hazel eyes dilate, but not in fear. He felt the human's ineffectual struggles against his clamping hands, but the telepathic senses of those same hands informed him that Kirk struggled not to get away but to better feel the strength of his restraint. That restraint — or perhaps his words, as he'd described what he meant by dominance — had made Kirk hard, and Spock clamped down on the hope that threatened to spring up within him. Kirk had not yet heard it all, and hope was premature.

Spock looked into Kirk's eyes with the full force of his personality, a force that he had heretofore carefully masked when with Kirk, even when off duty and in social mode. "In Starfleet, I am your subordinate, and it is a role I fill willingly, for you are an excellent captain, and it is a privilege to serve you. But you have never seen me when I am not being subordinate, for even when off duty, I am deferential. You have never seen me unleash all of the power at my command, much less turn it upon you."

Spock stared into Kirk's eyes with a dominant glare that had nothing of the deferential first officer about it, and his voice was harsh and uncompromising. "During pon farr, I will not merely be subject to the madness that afflicts all Vulcans at this time, I will also be a Spock that you have never seen before, a Spock that you do not know and may not wish to associate with, an overwhelming and commanding Spock that you may not wish to take into your mind and into your body. But if we begin pon farr together, you will have nochoice, for I will take you, and I will possess both your body and your mind, regardless of what you think or feel or say or do."

Kirk smiled at Spock, that deliberately seductive smile that Spock had often witnessed before, but never seen turned upon him. Kirk said, "You've just said the one thing I can think of that would make me want you MORE."

Spock would have thought that Kirk was bluffing, except that Kirk's wrists were still under his hands. This did not give him the window into Kirk's mind that a full meld would have, but he could feel Kirk's arousal, and furthermore, he sensed no deception. He raised one eyebrow in amusement. "You believe you want this, but you have not yet heard the full story. I began by speaking of dominance, because it is a desire shared by many humans and is less taboo than the other elements of Vulcan sexuality. But there is more, Jim."

Kirk wrenched his mind back from the sexual haze that had begun to fill it. Spock was no alarmist, and he knew his captain well. If he thought that Kirk would have trouble handling the full scope of Vulcan sexuality, Kirk owed it to both of them to listen with a clear and open mind. He breathed deeply for a moment, clearing his mind, then nodded at Spock. "All right, then. Suppose you tell me about it."

Spock stopped leaning on Kirk's wrists. He had wanted Kirk to clearly understand that he would be very different during pon farr, and it had been a complete surprise that this information had aroused Jim so thoroughly as to sap his ability to think. While that reaction was gratifying, it was not conducive to obtaining Kirk's informed consent. He reined himself in, sat in a chair across from Jim, and considered how best to proceed.

Kirk was used to hearing and evaluating information from his science officer; perhaps falling back into that role would ensure that Jim truly took in what he was about to say. Spock leaned forward slightly in his chair and said, "You must have heard the rumors. Even Nurse Chapel has heard the rumors, as I learned when the crew was in an altered state of consciousness during the Psi 2000 virus."

Kirk looked at him curiously. "What did she say to you?"

"She said, 'The men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that, but you're part human too. I know you don't, you couldn't, hurt me, would you?'"

Kirk nodded. "Yes, I've heard those rumors, but I remember the command track cautions against projection at the Academy. Humans have a long history of taking things in ourselves that make us uncomfortable and seeing those things in others, whether they're really there or not. We have to be especially careful not to project our own disowned qualities onto aliens we meet in the line of duty, and I figured that's what humans had been doing with Vulcans."

Spock inclined his head. "An astute assumption, but incorrect. It is an unfortunate feature of Vulcan sexuality that Vulcan males require the pain of a partner for satisfaction; we cannot climax without it."

Kirk blinked, taking this in. "You're saying Vulcan males are sexual sadists? All Vulcan males?"

Spock titled his head to one side. "If judged by human standards, Vulcan males are sexual sadists, but Jim, this is not a variation, as it is among humans; this is normal Vulcan sexuality. We do not call it sadism among ourselves, because one does not need a special word to describe the ordinary."

"But you called it 'an unfortunate feature.'"

Spock exhaled audibly. "Because I have lived among humans for many years, and I am aware of how this feature of Vulcan sexuality is regarded among humans. But Jim, during pon farr I will not be thinking about how sadism appears to humans. It is a normal and inescapable feature of Vulcan sexuality, and Vulcans are not ashamed of it. We hide it from outsiders, because we are aware that it is not not well regarded among most Federation species, but among Vulcans it is expected, natural, normal, inevitable."

Kirk smiled. "I don't mind a little pain with my sex; in fact, I find a little pain adds spice."

Spock sighed. "I am aware that many humans perform a mild version of such activities. I have read that sexual spanking is common enough among humans that certain hotels on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet come equipped with fur-covered paddles for the enjoyment of their patrons. But Jim, Vulcans are not pretending, and fur-covered paddles are not in our repertoire. It is difficult to quantify pain, but the amount of pain a Vulcan male requires for satisfaction would almost certainly be greater than what you would term 'a little.'"

Kirk considered this. "Maybe you can't quantify pain, but I bet you can describe the things you'd want to do, and that would give me a ballpark estimate for the amount of pain you'd need."

The tips of Spock's ears blushed green. "As you know, my previous pon farr was not consummated, so I have no direct experience with pon farr levels of activity."

"But you've had sex outside of pon farr, right? I don't remember seeing any bruises on Leila Kalomi when you were done with her."

Spock blinked, surprised that Jim assumed he'd had sex with Leila. "Jim, you yourself discovered that strong emotions destroyed the spores. Hence, those spores did not permit sexual activity. They induced a romantic haze and permitted a few rather tame caresses, but they prohibited sexual intercourse or any caresses likely to elicit much in the way of sexual arousal."

Kirk blushed. "Oh. Sorry. I thought only strong negative emotions would destroy the spores." He gave Spock a teasing smile. "If I'd known positive emotions would work just as well, I'd have kissed you that day in the transporter room, rather than insulted you."

"That would have been considerably more pleasant," Spock said dryly.

Kirk thought for a moment. "But does that mean you have no sexual experience at all?"

Spock swallowed, clearly uncomfortable. "On the contrary. I engaged in a number of sexual relationships during my first few years on the Enterprise, during Christopher Pike's tenure as captain, before I realized this was ultimately futile." He looked away. "All of those relationships ended quickly, the majority of them after the first sexual interaction, the remainder after the second or third."

Kirk used his gentlest voice. "I'm sorry to hear that, Spock. What happened?"

Spock sat stiffly, as he always did when uncomfortable. "In every case, I told my partner that Vulcan males required the pain of a partner in order to climax, and in every case, my partner claimed to be a "bottom," who desired pain for his or her own fulfillment."

He shook his head. "But what they desired and what I desired were of such different magnitudes as to be completely incompatible. I deliberately sought out sexually adventurous people, those who claimed to enjoy roughness or dominance or actual pain, only to find that even the most attenuated form of Vulcan sexuality I could manage was more than they could withstand."

Kirk grimaced. "That sounds very discouraging; I can see why you're fending me off now, and why you've pretended to be asexual all these years."

He leaned forward in his chair. "But I'm not the youngest captain in Starfleet history because I'm exactly like everybody else."

Spock relaxed slightly. "No, you are not."

Kirk smiled. "Until I met you, I'd always had a stronger desire than anyone I'd ever known to do, to be, to explore ... to experience all the galaxy has to offer."

Kirk held out a hand. "I'm an intense person, and the only person I've ever met who could match my intensity was you. I can't promise that I'll want or need all the pain a Vulcan does, but I don't think you should judge me by your past experiences with humans, either."

Spock inclined his head. "That is so. You have confounded my expectations of humans since I met you, and I see no reason why you should not continue to do so." He looked amused.

Kirk said, "And another thing. You remember that fight I got into with Finnegan on the Shore Leave planet?"

"I do."

"You asked me afterward if I'd enjoyed it, and I said I did."

"I recall the incident."

Kirk smiled wryly. "You probably thought I meant that I'd enjoyed finally beating Finnegan, and I did, but that was only half of it. The other half was that a physical contest focuses me and makes me live entirely in the present. Physical pain, especially if it's part of a physical contest, gets me out of my head and into my body."

Kirk sighed. "During most of my life, I spend so much time planning, thinking, going over tactics, figuring out how to motivate the crew, how to dicker with the admirals, how to approach aliens ... I need to get out of my head sometimes. Fighting is good for that, and so is sex, but sex that involves fighting or pain seems as if it would be the best of all."

Sheer amazement lifted Spock's eyebrow. "You do desire this."

Kirk smiled. "I've been looking for this for my whole life, but I've never found anyone before now who could handle me. The people who were smart enough weren't strong enough, and the people strong enough weren't smart enough, but you ... the only drawback I thought there'd be to loving you would be that we'd have to have controlled, restrained, logical sex. It never occurred to me that I'd get to have violent, painful, dominating sex."

Spock blinked rapidly to clear his vision, but Kirk remained in his quarters, smiling at him. This was no hallucination. Kirk wanted Vulcan sexuality, and not the attenuated version that Spock had thought would be the best any Vulcan could expect from a human partner. Kirk wanted the full force of Vulcan sexuality. If he was telling the truth, and Spock believed that he was, Kirk had in fact been craving the full force of Vulcan sexuality for the past decade or more.

Spock cleared his throat. "You believe that you desire this, but you have never seen me behaving in this way. It is a well-known fact that sexual fantasies are generally more extreme than the activities the fantasist would enjoy in real life. You may enjoy imagining a sexually sadistic Spock when alone in your quarters, but that does not mean that you would enjoy the reality."

Kirk smiled. "So, we'll practice."

Spock tilted his head to one side. "I beg your pardon?"

Kirk said, "Before pon farr comes, before you join our minds in an unbreakable bond, we'll practice. We'll go somewhere private, you'll act just as uncontrolled as you would during pon farr, and we'll see if I can handle it."

Spock considered this. "You will have a code word that will stop our activities — the usual term is 'safe word,' — in case it turns out that you do not, in fact, desire as much as you believe you do."

Kirk chuckled. "My Vulcan first officer knows about safe words."

Spock sighed. "Humans often believe Vulcans to be both innocent and ignorant when it comes to sexuality, but Jim, I am the science officer of this vessel. My knowledge of biology, zoology, and ethology includes the mating habits of thousands of species of animals from hundreds of different planets. My knowledge of psychology, sociology, and anthropology includes the preferred sexual activities, sexual positions, sexual variations, and sexual disorders of every sentient species in the Federation and several outside it."

Kirk nodded. "So of course you know about safe words."

Spock said, "My practical experience of sexuality is undoubtedly less than yours, but my theoretical knowledge of it is undoubtedly greater."

Kirk leaned forward and spoke in a darkly seductive voice. "Before I'm done with you, you'll have so much sexual experience, you'll consider yourself an expert in more than just the theoretical realm."

An amused eyebrow arched upward. "You are aware that Vulcans have extremely high standards, and that 'expert' is not a word we use lightly."

Kirk grinned. "Mr. Spock, I'm counting on it!"

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