Chapter One – Pokemon, I Choose You!

[Warning] The following story is a humorous parody of typical fan tropes in the typical "Ash is Powerful" or "Ash has Aura" genres. If you have the delusional notion that this is a serious work of fiction, you have been warned. I don't own Pokemon, either.

Ash Ketchum was having a strange dream.

He was standing on a battlefield, and there were three Pokemon in front of him. Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle, huh? How could I ever choose just one of them? All three Kanto starters stared at him motionlessly as he scratched the back of his head. "Man, this is too hard! I wonder which one Gary is going to get."

"So, Ash Ketchum, now you have come to the crossroads of time. Which one will you choose?" Ash spun around as the booming voice filled his head. A giant white Pokemon with weird yellow things coming out of its sides was staring down at his.

Ash's eyes widened. "No way! Are you a Pokemon?" What a strange dream.

The Pokemon groaned, and when he spoke again, his voice was high and reedy. "Oh, come on! Don't you know me? I'm Arceus Jr! My dad made the universe and all that."

This dream is boring. Ash yawned, and turned away. "I wanna wake up. When do I get my starter Pokemon, anyways?"

Arceus was somehow able to scratch his head. "Yeah, about that. Dad told me that I had to listen to Dialga and Palkia, but he doesn't know anything! So, to piss him off, I decided to make you my chosen one. How do you like the sound of being OP?"

Ash frowned. "Oh-pee? Is that a Pokemon?"

Arceus facepalmed. "No, it's you."

Ash's eyes widened. "Wait, so I'm a Pokemon?"

Arceus slammed his head into the ground. "Dad, I knew this was a bad idea," he whined. "No, you're overpowered. Like Kirito on steroids. It's like, there's this girl named Mary Sue… You know what, never mind. Dad just blabs a lot about balance and whatnot, so now everything that happens to you is going to be ridiculously lucky in your favor."

Ash, being the incredible genius he was, came to the logically conclusion. "So I'll be better than Gary?"

Arceus took a deep sigh as he closed his eyes. "Just one judgement..." he muttered. Creating a whiteboard out of thin air, he took a marker with his teeth and drew two stick figures on the board. One had weird squiggles under his eyes, and the other had spiky hair. Arceus pointed to the one with the squiggles. "This is you. You are better than Gary now." How dense is this kid?

Ash was looking at him strangely now. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place? I'm ten years old, not three!"

Arceus keeled over and died before resurrecting himself. "You know what? I give up. Go figure it out for yourself."

-Pallet Town-

Ash woke up as a Dodrio cawed out into the morning air. He groaned and stretched with a yawn. What a strange dream. I wonder what that was all about.

Lazily, he turned to his bedside table and read his clock out loud. "Let's see… It's 1:33 pm, so that should give me plenty of time…" He frowned as something seemed to register in his tired brain, and he did a double take. "Wait, WHAT?"

Five minutes later, Ash was sprinting towards Professor Oak's lab in his pajamas. He sprinted through the door of Professor Oak's lab and past several research assistants before skidding to a stop in front of the old professor. The old man smiled as Ash collapsed to his knees, panting. "Ah, wonderful. You're here right on time!"

Gary, who Ash had accidentally knocked out of the way, got to his feet indignantly. "HEY! What do you mean, on time? I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE SINCE SIX AM!"

Oak sighed as he stared at his grandson. "Gary, what have told you about using your indoor voice?"

"I'M TWELVE, YOU OLD GEEZER! I'M NOT AN IDIOT!"

Ash frowned. Since when are they like this? This is weird. Maybe I'm still asleep. "Um, professor? Can I get my starter Pokemon now?"

Oak nodded. "Of course! I have a wonderful activity planned for us as soon as my temperamental-"

"AM NOT!"

"-grandson decides to calm down and let us start." Gary rolled his eyes as Oak hit a button on the wall, and five pokeballs slid out. Oak looked at the two trainers with a glint in his eyes. "Perfect. Now, there are five Pokemon at stake here. If you get a question right, you get to keep one. Gary gets to go first. Fair?"

Ash and Gary nodded. Oak looked at his grandson. "Alright, Gary. Can you tell me the exact height of the Dragonspiral Tower in Unova?"

Gary looked like a vein was about to pop out of his forehead. "Excuse me?"

Oak nodded. "Yes, the exact height. Preferably down to the millimeter, although nanometers might be more precise."

Gary sighed. "I don't know, a hundred meters?"

The professor grinned as he pressed a large red button that blasted an airhorn into Gary's face. "Nope! Ash, now you get to try. What type is a Rattata?"

Gary's jaw dropped as Ash scratched his forehead. Rattata, huh? Those are the ones Mom is always chasing out of the house. They're not very nice. "Uh, dark, I guess?"

Oak beamed at Ash. "Wonderful! That's correct!" The professor handed him a pokeball as Gary sputtered.

"But that's not right! Rattata are normal types!"

Oak sighed. "You know, Gary, I thought I had raised you better than this. Clearly, Ash is such a prodigy that he's even studied Alola! Fabulous!"

Ash was confused as he somehow ended up with three more Pokemon. This is weird. I never thought I was this good before. Maybe I really am a prodigy.

The Professor turned back to Gary. "Alright. You have to know this one. How many square miles are there in the Phylian corridor between Driftveil City and the Orrean border?"

Gary closed his eyes and hung his head in defeat. "I dunno, 4,587.834 square miles?"

"Correct!" Oak beamed as he handed him the final pokeball. "So maybe you aren't as hopeless as I thought."

Gary stared at the old man for a second, shocked. "Gee, thanks Gramps." He wound up and chucked the pokeball at the wall. "Pokemon, I choose you!"

The Pokemon inside was a Magikarp.

Once Gary had finished utterly obliterating his grandfather's lab, the old man looked over at Ash. "Well, it is nice to have a little change in scenery. Why don't you see what's inside?"

As screams for rage and vengeance floated past on the wind, Ash released the four Pokemon. All three Kanto starters and a Pikachu appeared on the ground in front of him. Ash looked over at the professor in surprise. "Are these all mine?"

"Of course! Just one thing you should know..."

Before he could finish talking, Ash pressed the buttons on all of the pokeballs, which abruptly exploded, turning his hair into what looked more like an afro. "What… happened..." he mumbled as the professor passively looked on.

"I don't think any of them particularly like being in their pokeballs." Oak turned back to the lab to find his tea kettle in the wreckage of his lab as four heavy Pokemon all jumped on top of Ash.

-Route One-

One visit to his mom and four pairs of clean underwear later, Ash was sullenly walking down Route One as his Pokemon followed after him in single file. "Mom, so embarrassing," he muttered as he looked down at the stack of underwear in his hands.

His four starters all chorused their agreement. Bulbasaur groaned, "This sucks." Delia had attached two pairs of Tighty Whiteys to his bulb.

Ash nodded. "Don't you guys think it's weird that I can understand you?"

Bulbasaur: "Not really."

Charmander: "It would seem as if you are quite facinating. A simply magnificent specimen, if I do say so myself."

Squirtle: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a fantastic surfer."

Pikachu: "Pikachu!"

Ash frowned as Bulbasaur jumped onto Ash's shoulder. "Hey, Bulbasaur, what's up with the rest of them?"

Bulbasaur shrugged. "Who knows? I'm the only normal one. Charmander is Kalosian and considers himself fancy, Squirtle just talks in non-sequiturs, and Pikachu is so obsessed with his name brand that that's all he can say."

"Pikachu?"

"No, Ketchum is our trainer. Of course you can't do that to him!"

Ash shuddered. "I don't think I want to know." He scanned the route in front of his, and his eyes widened as he spotted a tiny Pidgey. "Hey, there's a Pidgey. Let's go catch it!"

"Nah."

"That bird is below my abilities."

"What's for dinner?"

"Pikachu."

Ash looked betrayed as his Pokemon all sat down in the middle of the route and stopped moving. "So none of you are going to help me?"

Bulbasaur shrugged. "Nope, why should we? That thing is pitiful! Why, what you going to do?"

Ash frowned. "I think I'll disappear into the depths of Mt. Silver for five years, then come back to participate in a tournament. Then, I'll meet all of my old 'friends' who betrayed me for evil purposes and discover their shadow motives. Then I'll have a lot of hot sex with all of the girls that I've ever talked to before destroying all of my former friends and taking back what they stole from me."

Bulbasaur stared at his, then deadpanned. "That's literally the stupidest idea that I've ever heard."

Charmander nodded. "That makes absolutely zero sense. If we are the ones who have betrayed you, why would you ever live on Mt. Silver with no Pokemon?"

"I like hot pockets."

"Pikachu!"

Ash sighed. "If it's that dumb, why does it happen so much?"

-Hall of Origins-

Arceus groaned as his son slunk into the room. "Now see what you've done! Mew, you're on fourth wall duty!"

Mew nodded and saluted her boss. "Aye Aye, captain!"

Arceus sank down on his pedestal. God, do I hate this job.

-Route One-

Ash got up and looked back at the Pidgey. "Well, if none of you will attack it, I'll do it myself!"

Bulbasaur's eyes widened. "Ash, wait! You're a human, you can't-"

He was cut off as Ash sprinted into the unaware bird and exploded into a wave of aura energy, blowing his four starters backwards. When the smoke cleared, Ash was triumphantly holding a pokeball up in the middle of a crater he had created. "See? I caught it!"

"Of course he's an aura user," Bulbasaur grumbled to himself. "Could this get any more ridiculous?"

Angry cries filled the air, and Ash and the Pokemon looked up in shock as a flock of large metal birds filled the sky. They looked fairly intent on killing Ash.

Bulbasaur sighed. "So I was wrong. Sue me."

Charmander nodded as he handed the grass type an official document. "Here. I expect to see you in court next Wednesday."

"Run!" Ash grabbed his Pokemon as he sprinted away down the path.

After ten minutes of running, Ash stopped short as they came to a wide river. "What do we do?"

Bulbasaur rolled his eyes. "You idiot! There's literally a bridge right there!"

Ash nodded. "That settles it! Squirtle, take us through the river."

"Anchors away!" Squirtle yelled as he jumped into the river, Ash holding on to him desperately. They shot through the river at record speeds, the flock of metal birds following close behind.

-Route One-

Misty Waterflower was enjoying a nice time fishing on the river when a watery bullet shot out of the river yelling "Sorry!" It shot past her and slammed into her bike, snapping the frame in half.

She then had to duck as a flock of fifty odd Skarmory came shoot past her after the water.

Staring at the remains of her bike, she sighed. Well, there goes the next two years of my life.

-Route One-

Ash could barely tell what was happening as he barreled towards Viridian City. "Are they still following us?"

Charmander screamed, "Yes, do something!"

"Pikachu!"

"Pikachu, no! You'll electrocute us!" Bulbasaur screamed, but he was already too late.

All five of them screamed as Pikachu exploded with a blast of electricity that dropped the entire flock to the ground. The water faded as Squirtle stopped short to look back at the collapsed Pokemon. "How am I still alive?"

Ash shrugged. "I dunno. Logic, I guess."

"Makes sense."

Ash caught a Skarmory as they all shrugged it off, and the group walked into Viridian City as one very angry red haired girl sprinted after them.

The Ash Dex:

Currently – The Chosen One, Aura User

Pokemon – Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, Pikachu, Pidgey, Skarmory

Absurdity Level – Low

[A/N] What would happen if Ash was ridiculously overpowered, but still as dumb and immature as the original series?

I'm taking that and running with it. Don't tell me that it makes no sense. It's not supposed to. Do tell me whether or not you liked it, though. In all likely hood, I'll just write more anyways whether its funny or not.

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