A/N: I wanted to write something cute with Shepard, Ash, and Kaidan, and this is what I came up with (thanks to a Tumblr prompt I found lost in the abyss that is my cellphone). Yeah, it's Kyler Shepard and the weird Ashley from Parallel, but writing angsty stuff 24/7 puts me in a bad mood. This falls sometime after the Citadel coup, but whether that's Citadel DLC or after the war is up to you! Seriously, my only reason for writing this is a need for an angst-break. It hurts me after so much, lol.

Also, you don't need to read Parallel or any of my other oneshots with these three to understand what's going on. Shep likes comic books and superheroes, Spider-Man in particular. All you need to know right there.

Hope you guys like it!

"You're late."

Ashley scoffed as she entered the apartment, eyes travelling over her surroundings in a quick once-over. "Kaidan already here?"

Shepard snorted a laugh as the door slid shut behind her. "You think I'm the one that's cooking? I can't cook to save my own ass."

She frowned a bit, taking a breath through her nose to get the gist. Whatever Kaidan was cooking, it smelled ungodly—in the good way. It had been ages since they'd just been able to eat something without having to worry about rations, and it had been just as long since they'd eaten something that wasn't meant to be stored on a ship. Whenever they stopped on the Citadel, there were typically more pressing matters than getting a real meal.

"Doesn't surprise me, Skipper."

"Should I be offended, or...?"

She shrugged, biting back a grin. "Take that however you like."

He smirked that damnable thing where only the corner of his mouth quirked. He seemed to do that a lot when she was around; Ashley would have to chock that up to making the mistake of saying she found it cute. She made a mental note to stop telling him things like that as he led her into the kitchen.

Kaidan had both the stove and oven turned on from what she could see. The closer they got, the more mouth-watering the food smelled. Diced up potatoes covered in a mix of spices so thick she couldn't differentiate between, with more than their fair share of butter heaped on top. It smelled heavenly...from a distance. Once she was close enough for the spices to hit her nose, her senses flared and it made her gag.

"I'm, uh...gonna go sit in the other room."

Alenko's head snapped up from the sink, amber eyes searching the kitchen and locking onto her in about two seconds flat. "You're late, Ash."

She waved a hand over her shoulder as she retreated. "Yeah, yeah. I've heard that already."

Both of the men laughed as she flung herself over the arm of the sofa. It was soft, ridiculously so, and after spending so long on the Normandy's rock-hard benches masquerading as couches, it felt odd to relax so thoroughly. She could've sunk into the cushions and died a happy woman. How Shepard survived with something so routine-breaking escaped her, though after sitting for a couple seconds, it became easy to understand.

Ashley did her best to keep from sniffing the air. The overwhelming scent of those spices, while probably amazing to the two guys, burned her nose and cheeks. Her eyes actually watered, and she decided that eating any of what Kaidan was making was a bad idea.

Shepard trooped past while she stared at the fireplace, breaking her trance-like gaze. He headed into the other room and disappeared within for several long minutes. She was half-tempted to follow out of idle curiosity, but she remained seated and shifted her gaze back to the kitchen. Kaidan was moving about in that same flowing nature he did in combat, like he was right at home. Something about it was amusing to her; seeing the man anything but serious was funny, but this took it to a whole new level. He just looked so at ease that she couldn't take it.

She was trying–and failing–to suppress her laughs when Shepard reappeared, pulling up short at the sound of giggling. Out of the corner of her eye, Ashley noted him staring at her, amused, while she attempted to refrain from laughing at Kaidan. The biotic was completely oblivious to either of them, and Shepard plopped down beside her.

"What're we laughing at?" he whispered conspiratorially.

She nodded in Kaidan's direction. "Just watch. It's funny."

Shepard settled in behind her, leaning over her shoulder as they watched their friend prance around the kitchen. It was endearing in a brotherly sort of way, and while she knew Kaidan had the tendency to be a smartass, seeing him doing something so mundane was just perfect. For the longest of times, he was the dead serious superior she admired. Right now, however, he was just a man cooking for his friends.

"Why's this funny?"

"Because it's Kaidan," Ashley retorted.

Shepard gave her a sideways look. "Your sense of humor is..."

"Weird, I know," she interrupted.

"Different," Shepard finished.

Ashley elbowed him in the ribs and he chuckled, catching her arm as she went to tuck it back against her stomach. He tugged and she yelped, falling on his chest as he fell back onto the sofa, and Kaidan looked back up. She tried to wriggle free, but Shepard wrapped an arm around her waist and pinned her to him.

"Should I leave?" Alenko remarked, stepping from the kitchen into the living room. Before Ashley could formulate a comeback, Shepard whipped one of the small pillows overhead. Kaidan ducked and the pillow crashed into the kitchen, though it was lost from her sight past the island.

"Uh...oops," Shepard said, looking past her.

"This is why we don't do stupid stuff."

He looked at her with grayish-blue eyes, brows arched. "Are you telling me that, or are you reminding yourself?"

Kaidan laughed and she scowled. "You walked into that."

The scowl deepened at Kaidan's comment. Not that he could see it; he had already retreated into the kitchen again. The instant his back turned on them, Shepard grinned and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Ashley fixed him with an "are you kidding me" look, but his grin only broadened before he released her. She tried, rather unsuccessfully, to be as annoyed with him as possible while choosing the lesser of two evils.

This time, when the aroma assaulted her, Kaidan was watching, and her involuntarily gag actually made him frown. "Is it really—"

"It's just me," she said quickly.

"You're not going to eat, then," he assumed.

Ashley shook her head. "Probably not."

Kaidan shrugged and went back to mixing his potatoes. "Suit yourself. My cooking will knock your socks off. Ask Shepard."

"It's true!" he called. She looked back for him, but he'd disappeared elsewhere in his apartment. Wherever he was, he was on the second floor.

"Anyway," Kaidan said, "you were late for a reason?"

"Nah. Just late."

He glanced up at her as she passed him for the small dining room. "Just late? Nobody's just late unless they're trying to avoid something."

"Shepard," she said, back to him.

Kaidan chuckled. She felt his eyes on her as she roamed, inspecting the table and the art situated on the wall behind it. This had been Anderson's apartment before he gave it to Shepard, and without meaning any offense to the older N7, Ashley could see the proof everywhere. Shepard was a neat and orderly man, liked the walls and floors clear of any obstructions, and the mere presence of the painting screamed it wasn't Shepard's home. Or at least, not yet. She imagined he would be throwing the art out, or storing it away somewhere.

"Seriously though," Kaidan pried.

Ashley just shrugged. "Sarah called. I got distracted is all." She looked back at him, leaning against the island with his arms crossed. "What?"

He shook his head as he blinked, saying, "Nothing."

She frowned at his back when he turned away, opening the oven. One of the oven mitts went on so he could pull a frying pan from inside. Mildly curious, she made her way back to the kitchen to see what was there, and her brows shot up.

"You got fish?"

"Yeah?" It came out like a question. "Is that a problem?"

"No," she said. "Surprised. I thought you had a thing for steak."

"Steak's expensive," he explained. "Fish isn't. If I had known you wouldn't be eating, I would've gone with the steak."

"Sorry," came her lame response.

A comfortable silence lapsed over them while he finished with his potatoes. It was nice, not having to worry about keeping up a conversation with someone and just being allowed to enjoy their company. Moments like that were rare enough for her and Shepard before Kaidan squeezed his way back onto the Normandy. Getting time where the three of them could be themselves was even rarer. The last time Ashley remembered something working out like that, they'd been playing stupid games with string and arguing over coffee.

More like me torturing Kaidan with string, she thought smugly.

"You know, I never did get to show you how to play that game properly."

Kaidan's back stiffened; he knew exactly which game she was talking about. "I'm not so 'dorky' now as to fall for that, Ash."

"Please," she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"It's a lot harder to tie me up than the promise of coffee."

"Harder?" His cheeks flushed, much to her amusement. "Yeah, you big dork. I'll just wrestle you to the ground instead." His blushed deepened as Shepard returned. It took the Commander all of three seconds to look between them, brows furrowed, before he came to a realization.

"Are you teasing him?"

Ashley laughed. "He makes it so easy."

"Don't get me started," Kaidan shot back.

Shepard sighed and ran his hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. Ashley flicked her gaze to him, still smirking, and pulled up short of finishing her train of thought. He'd changed from his Alliance uniform to a more relaxed outfit. It was still obviously Alliance; an N7 hoodie zipped up just enough to cover a gray Alliance t-shirt and a pair of dark pants. It wasn't all that different from her own outfit, save the fact that her jacket was just a plain black hoodie with the Alliance logo stamped on it, but he somehow made it look... Well, she didn't think she had the words for it, let alone had a poem to quite cover it, either.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "If you're finished drooling over yourself...?"

She tore her eyes off Shepard to glare at the other man. "I was not drooling!"

"But you were staring," Kaidan said triumphantly.

Shepard looked between the two of them again, grinning, as he headed for his fridge. "I do pull this off pretty well, don't I?"

Ashley made sure her eyes were locked with Kaidan's, snapping her mouth shut before she could say anything to embarrass herself further. Alenko was smirking at her knowingly; of all the people who suspected, he was still the only one who really knew what was going on between his two friends. He'd known them the longest, he knew them the best, and he was as perceptive as they came...when he was paying attention. He had a tendency to get distracted by plenty of other things, including the budding relationship between a certain asari and marine lieutenant.

"How about you pull that stick outta your ass?" Ashley suggested.

Kaidan paused as he reached to turn off the stove top. "I'm the one with a stick up my ass?"

"You heard me, Scuttlebutt."

"And...what? Beat people with this nonexistent stick?"

Shepard threw her a bottle of water, quickly followed by another for Kaidan. "You could join the hoodie brigade, get out of that uniform."

Alenko looked between the two of them, brows raised, and said, "No. Someone has to set an example for you two."

"Oh, come on," Ashley retorted. "You're the perfect example of someone getting cranky with age."

"I can't help that I left mine back on the ship," he said. "I didn't know I was going to get hassled over it."

"You need to relax," Shepard said. Before Ashley could hop on that comment and keep messing with Kaidan, he gave her a pointed look. "Both of you." She resisted the urge to sigh. Shepard was good at that, acting all silly and childlike one minute, and then dead serious and professional the next. He knew where to draw the line. "That's why I asked you guys to come up. And...I kind of wanted to just be with you two. You're my family."

Kaidan and Ashley exchanged glances. The latter kept a straight face, but the former was biting back a grin. "If you think of her as family, Shepard—"

"Oh, that's it!"

His amber eyes widened as she slid around the island, still grinning in that teasingly evil way of his. Kaidan caught both of her hands as they came up, easily holding her in place as she glared at him, and said, "You asked for that one, too." Ashley scowled again. One of his eyebrows shot up quizzically. "You're not mad at me."

"I really want to be."

Kaidan's grin broadened as he released her.

Shepard snorted somewhere behind her. "Come on. This isn't 'torture each other' night. It's movie night, and I've got the perfect thing." She went back for her water, occasionally joining their poking while they got their food, standing by to watch as they teased. Kaidan poked at Shepard's particular way of getting the food on a plate, Shepard poked at Kaidan's perfect biotic-charged hair, and after a couple "we better not be watching Blasto" comments, the three of them had retreated to the side room. The entire evening had been a product of Shepard's own, rarely used, sneakiness, and he had managed to keep most of his plans a secret.

That is, until they sat on the couch in front of the vid screen.

"How'd you get a copy of that?" Ashley demanded.

"Surprisingly easy, considering they're ancient," Shepard said.

"I haven't watched Spider-Man since I was...ten?" Kaidan remarked. "It's been ages."

Shepard grinned this stupid boyish thing that made her cheeks flush. Instead of commenting, Ashley focused on opening her water and downing over half the bottle's contents in five seconds.

"I've never seen the movies," Shepard continued. "Just read the comic books. So this is gonna be a first for me."

Almost at once, both of them looked at her.

"What?"

"Have you ever watched this?" Kaidan asked.

Ashley scoffed indignantly. "No."

Both of them groaned. "You'd think Cerberus programmed some culture into that head of yours," Shepard said sarcastically. His answer was another elbow to the ribs, but she used his distracted laughter to grab the remote off his lap. "Hey! Give me that!"

He reached for it as she held it away from him, but she rolled over the arm of the couch and onto the floor. Shepard swore as he passed his plate off to Kaidan.

"We're not watching crappy old movies," Ashley said.

"They're not crappy!" Shepard protested. "Just gimme the damn remote."

"If you ask nicely, maybe I'll consider it."

Shepard groaned. "Fine. Will you please give me the goddamn remote?"

Behind him, Kaidan was watching with wide eyes and a halfway amused expression. If she remembered correctly, Alenko had a thing for Spider-Man too, though it didn't quite get as far as Shepard's love. Amused or not, he looked like he was practically begging her to hand the remote over to Shepard.

Ashley tapped the gray, plastic thing against her chin as she thought about it. Pretended to think about it. "No."

"Then I'll just have to wrestle you for it."

Kaidan's eyebrows shot up just as quickly as Ashley's did. While he continued on to blush, she just laughed. "Have to catch me first."

"Are we really doing this?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes," they said simultaneously.

"You're both ridiculous," he decided, kicking his feet up on the couch.

He took a step closer and Ashley took a step back, tensing her muscles to run. "Don't eat my food, Alenko," Shepard ordered.

"No promises."

Shepard smirked and extended a hand. "Come on, Ash. Just—"

He lunged, locking a hand around her wrist, and pulled her closer. Before he could even think of going for the remote, she tossed it to her other hand and twisted free, bouncing away from him easily. She flashed it in a taunt, and then made a break for the adjacent room. Shepard ran after her. Ashley hopped the couch as he approached, shaking his head.

"You're a slippery little bastard, y'know that?"

She shrugged. "I'm a slippery little bastard with your remote."

"Not for long," Shepard retorted.

He started around the sofa even as she retreated around the opposite end. Too little, too late. With her back clear of any obstructions, he raised a hand. Ashley's eyes narrowed just as he flicked her over with his biotics. She crashed to the floor with a grunt, losing her grip on the piece of plastic that started this entire mess. Shepard was there before she could recover enough to grab the remote, pinning her to the floor. The hand around her right wrist sent little tingles of warmth through her arm as the purplish glow faded.

"Cheap trick."

He smirked. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, sure," she said sarcastically.

"I don't see how you're getting out of this one," he said, picking up on the sarcasm before she even finished speaking.

"Would asking nicely do it?"

Shepard chuckled. "'Fraid not, Ash."

She sighed, a little dramatically, and let her head fall back against the floor. She craned her neck to look for the remote, but it had skidded into the kitchen. Definitely too far out of her reach.

"A bribe?"

He paused, brows furrowing in the slightest, when she leaned forward to peck him on the lips. "As tempting as that is, no. Spectres can't be bought."

Ashley groaned and fell back, defeated. "What, then?"

"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, looking away before flicking his gaze back to hers. "You could always come back in and watch the movie with us...with the remote."

She laughed. "Sneaky."

"Well, I wouldn't have invited you if I didn't want you here."

"You've been known to do stranger things."

Shepard snorted. "What, I can't want to spend time with you and Alenko? You guys are my family and the only time I get to see either of you is when we're fighting."

"Only time we're together," she corrected.

"Whatever," he said dismissively. "I miss going out to goof off with you."

She glanced past him, at their legs. He was straddling her to hold her down. "I think we're goofing off right now, Skipper."

Shepard laughed once, breathlessly, and hung his head. "You know what I meant."

"If you're goofing off like this with Scuttlebutt, we'll have words."

He peeked at her through the strands of hair hanging over his eyes. "I think he's more interested in 'goofing off like this' with James and Liara. Or maybe Cortez. I can't really tell."

"Good to know," Ashley said flatly as he sat back on his heels, allowing her to sit up. "I'm not big on sharing, even with Kaidan."

"I can hear you," Kaidan said, voice raised.

"Good," she retorted.

Shepard snorted while Kaidan chuckled. "If you two are done breaking regs, we have a movie to watch."

Ashley sighed when Shepard stepped off her, offering a hand up. She accepted it before he went to retrieve the remote, slipping it into his pocket. He smirked and led her back into the side room. They both returned to their original seats, Shepard stuck between her and Kaidan, while he fished the remote back out. He gave her a pointed look as he hit the button to start the old movie.

"Spider-Man isn't that bad," Kaidan assured her.

"Eh," she said, shrugging. Her head fell against Shepard's shoulder, much to his amusement, as she continued, "Even if it sucks, at least I'm watching it with you guys."

Past a mouthful of food, Shepard said, "That's the spirit."

If she even remotely liked the movie, she wasn't telling either of them.