Chapter 1: Demons (revised)

6 months after Nick's graduation from the academy.

POV (nick)

0430

The air was cool and crisp. The start of another perfect fall day. The park was full of kids and their families, laughing and having fun. I stood perfectly still, eyes always scanning, searching, keeping a watchful eye, always on the lookout for danger. I knew the likelihood of that was slim, but training dies hard. The sounds of laughing children threatened to break my concentration. "I really should relax," I thought. Suddenly, a noise behind me caught my attention. I turned to face the source as the giggling creature came up beside me. "Come on, I want you to push me on the swing." "OK," I laughed "I'm coming…"

BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!

"Ugh…" I groaned as my alarm went off for work. I was exhausted. It was the third night in a row that I hadn't slept well. It was the third time in a row that nightmare had returned. Never quite the same, but always the same. I knew the message hidden in my subconscious. I felt the guilt that it brought on me. The same guilt I felt every September since that fateful day, like clockwork. "I should be happy," I told myself. "Remember what it was like that first year? Crying when you were alone, always putting on the brave face for others. Remember how bad the dreams were then?" I felt the crushing weight of being alone... truly alone, like I didn't belong... pushing down on me. I had often heard how soldiers returning from war would have a difficult time adjusting. How they always felt like they were still "over there" and hadn't truly come home. I know that feeling. I know what it feels like to be in my own place, surrounded by friends and family, and still not feel welcome. Feel like a stranger, always looking in from the outside. Not feel home. The truth is, I haven't felt like I was home for a long time. I sighed thinking about it, acutely aware of the tears rolling down my cheeks. I had been crying again in my sleep. No matter how long it's been these nightmares keep returning.

I rolled over and thought about just calling in. I did not want to face the world. I don't belong in the world. The thought of going to work and having to listen to someone whine about some pathetic pointless problem just made me so angry. If they only knew what real pain and struggle was they wouldn't give two shits about how they failed one fucking class this semester in college. They would realize how good they had it. No, I would rather just…. I don't know. Well, that's not true. I do know what I want. I want to just give up. I knew that it was just the depression that I had battled for years returning, but it was getting worse every year. I tried talking to people about it, but that didn't help.

First, I went to my neighborhood church. I'm not religious, but I figured that the pastor's job was to listen and given advice. I should have known that the advice to be given was going to be "just pray and everything will turn out fine". So instead I tried therapy. Instead of finding help, I was just kicked around from one shrink after another. None of them ever seeming to care, and never attempting to find the source of my problem. Instead, it was just a parade of drugs to mask my pain. After a while I gave up trying. I would just do what I do best. Bury my feelings, and push on. "Fuck it." I thought, caving in. I reached for my phone, hoping that Judy wouldn't be too pissed at me. I didn't need her on my case today. As if she heard me, my phone began to ring. Looking at my phone confirmed it, it was her.

"Hey Carrots" I said, not much emotion in my voice. Not even caring enough to put on my "brave" act.

"Nick? What's wrong?" Judy asked, concern creeping into her voice. I had forgotten how in tune she had become with me.

I scrambled to put up a front. "Sorry, nothing is wrong…. Just woke up is all," I told her in a sleepy voice. After all, it wasn't exactly a lie, and besides this was my problem, and the less she knew the happier she would be, and the less prodding she would do.

"Oh. OK. Well I just wanted to let you know that I was running a few minutes late. I should be there to pick you up about 0530." Judy replied, not sounding too convinced.

"OK I will see you then Fluff." I hung up the phone…... "so much for not going to work today."

I thought about just going back to sleep and forgetting about the rest. But, in the end I decided to just get up. After all, that is who I was. I kept trudging on... pretending things were ok. "Maybe one day I will believe it." I headed to the bathroom and started getting ready for work. As I stood in the shower my mind began to wander…... It wasn't long before I was reliving that dream. "If the pain is too much, you can just end it... your pistol is right by your bed. One squeeze, and it's over." a dark voice whispered in my ear. I just stood there the water cascading around me, lost in my head. Thinking about how easy that would be, wonder if anyone would care. "Of course someone would care! Could you do that to Judy?" I questioned myself. I didn't have an answer. I stayed in the shower only getting out when the water ran cold. As I got out I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. Instead of my usual confident 26-year-old face, I was met with a stranger. Dark sunken eyes glared at me. A personal hell reflecting in my eyes, cold and dead. The eyes of someone who had seen and done too much. The weight of the world pressed down on me, rounding my shoulders and hunching my back. I just sighed.

"Let's get today over with. I fucking hate September." I said to myself as I got dressed.

I had just finished putting on my uniform when my phone began to buzz again. It was Judy. She sent me a simple text.

"Here."

POV (JUDY)

"Here." I said, texting Nick.

I sat back to wait for him to come down. I knew it would be a minute or two. In the meantime, I wondered what was bothering Nick. He said he was fine, but I could tell he wasn't. I gasped when I saw Nick leaving his building. He looked terrible. It looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"Morning Carrots," he mumbled climbing into the police cruiser.

"Nick, you sure you're OK?" I asked him concerned.

"What? No good morning? After all this time, you just going to do me like that Hopps?" he said, attempting to sound like his normal shelf. Instead he just sounded weak and exhausted.

I just gave him a worried look. He was hiding something, I knew it, and whatever it was, was causing him pain. I hated it, but he was trying to put on a brave face. "I should try to get him to open up", I thought. She had to help him. He was her partner. His problems were hers and vice versa. I put the car in gear and began driving while I figured out what to say.

"You know, you're my partner and best friend. You can tell me anything. No matter what" I gently reminded him, hoping maybe he would take the bait. Instead his response was less then savory.

Ignoring my plea, he simply reached out to the car stereo, and blasted it. If that wasn't bad enough, he selected 93.9 FM. My sensitive ears were assaulted with the hard sounds of thrash metal. I tried to get Nick to turn it down, but he just responded childishly by turning it up even louder, completely drowning me out. Frustrated, I reached over and just shut it off.

"What the Fuck Nick!" I screamed. "That was so childish, what the hell is up with you today?"

Nick turned to look at me. The look on his face of contemplation, like he was trying to decide what to say. I waited attentively, well as attentively as one can while driving.

"Well? Come on level with me. I care about you." I tried again softening my tone.

"Don't say that Judy… never fucking say that. Who asked you to be so nosy! I said I was fine. I would have thought even a dumb bunny like you would have been able to figure out that I didn't want to talk!" He screamed at me, before turning the radio back on.

I quickly turned it off again. "Fuck you! You don't get to just treat me like that. I care about you, and as your partner, it is my business to know what is going on with you." I yelled back, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

"Wrong Judy. This is not your business. This is nobody's business. If I had wanted to tell you I would have." He countered. There was a savagery there that I had never seen before. It scared me.

"Nick, let me help." I was pleading now tears flowing down my cheeks.

"What the fuck would you know anyway? You are just a naive bunny, that doesn't understand the real world! Not everyone is happy all the fucking time! Only you! You are a fucking JOKE! Just leave me alone!" he snapped angrily as he shook his head and shrank back into his seat. "Dumb bunny." he added under his breath.

I folded my ears behind my head, his words cutting through me like a knife. I felt the ache in my chest as my heart broke. His verbal assault tore through me. It reminded me of the first time we met. How he knew how to hurt me, by attacking my vulnerabilities. He knew I had self-doubt from all the hurdles I had to overcome. "Why would he say that? I just wanted to help. I thought we were friends, was I wrong?" I asked myself. I looked over at him my eyes stinging with tears. He just ignored me. Not a sign of remorse shown on his face. He just sat there looking out the window, hunched over and ears drawn back. He looked totally miserable as if the whole world was waging a full-on assault against him. We rode in silence the rest of the way to the station, as I tried regain control of my tears.

POV (Nick)

My ears twitched as I heard the slight sniffles coming from next to me. Other than that, I just sat there not moving. It broke my heart to make her cry. But I just couldn't bring myself to look at Judy. "Don't say that Judy… never fucking say that. Who asked you to be so nosy! I said I was fine. What the fuck would you know anyway? You are just a naive bunny, that doesn't understand the real world! Not everyone is happy all the fucking time. You are a JOKE. Just leave me alone." "Dumb bunny" I winced as some of my insults repeated in my head. "Why, why did I say that to her? Her of all people? She hadn't done anything wrong. She cared about me." I thought angrily. If she only knew what she meant to me, and how much I cared for her. "So why am I pushing her away? Man, that dream has me so screwed up." I looked solemnly out the window. I could see the station looming a block ahead. "Tell her! Reach out to her and apologize…... let her in. Don't build this wall." I begged myself. I knew what I risked losing, but I just need time to think. It wasn't the best option; I couldn't afford to lose control again. I was hoping that my shift would distract me enough to be able to clear my mind a bit. It was going to be tough though. My shift meant spending the day with Judy. The one person who, by the looks of her, wanted nothing to do with me now. "You are going to lose her." that voice snickered. "You know how to end it, just give in."

"Shut up!" I screamed aloud startling Judy.

"I'm not fucking saying a thing to you, asshole and I don't think I want to ever again!" She said coldly.

"Why can't I just turn my brain off!" I wondered forlornly.

To my relief, we are pulling up to the station. That meant that I could have brief respite front the debacle that my partnership with Hopps had become. I will try to talk to Judy after we have our morning briefing.

POV (Judy)

By the time I pulled into the station lot, I had mostly gotten a hold of myself again. Though a truer statement would be my hurt had been superseded by extreme anger at Nick. I was furious with him, ready to march into Chief Bogo's office and demand a new partner. But I had at least stopped crying. The fur on my face was soaked, though, and my eyes felt puffy and I'm sure they were red. "Why did he shut me out. Why now is he rejecting my help, my friendship. After all that we have been through and the things we have shared with each other." I felt a new wave of tears forming and I had to fight to keep from breaking down. Every emotion I could think of was tugging at me. I wanted so desperately to brush it all off, find some small explanation, pretend it hadn't happened. He was trying to push me away, and I didn't know why. It felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. "Maybe I smothered him. Is that it? Am I making him uncomfortable. He would say something, right? I mean it is my job as his partner to have his back no matter what. Right? Maybe he just doesn't want me here anymore." I began blaming myself, as I searched from an explanation to his actions. I just didn't know. My thoughts, and feelings were too mixed and confused to think rationally.

I looked over at Nick on last time, hoping beyond hope that this was just going to be some big misunderstanding or cruel joke. He was just sitting there, completely expressionless, neutral, a shell of himself, staring out the window. I was crushed. I wanted to say something, opening my mouth to speak, but my brain just kept screaming to get out. With a small, defeated, sigh I got out of the car and started walking into the building. It felt like my legs were made of lead, each step I took feeling heavier than the last. With each step, I felt as if my relationship with Nick was slipping away, becoming harder and harder to reconcile. A knot formed in my chest, making it hard to breathe. I began to cry again as it seemed my biggest fear was coming true.

Right as I was about to push through the doors and enter the building, my ears perked up a bit as I heard him mumble. A moment of hope passed through me, however, whatever he said I couldn't make out. I looked back to see if he was coming after me, but he was still just sitting in the car. I sighed and went inside.

POV (Nick)

I heard Judy get out of the car, not even bothering to look over. I watched as she walked up the stairs. Her slow movements, downcast eyes, and droopy ears broke my heart. I never meant to hurt her. My anger and pain were never meant for her. It was meant for me. In that moment, all I wanted to do was run up and hug her. Tell her how sorry I was, tell her everything, beg for her forgiveness. I wanted to, but couldn't. "It's better this way." I tried to tell myself. "She will see in time." In my mind the sing song taunting of "you lost her" dragging me down into darkness. I hoped that I could make things right and that everything would go back to normal, but I was afraid that chance had already passed. "Nothing ever goes back to normal." I saw her reach the top of the stairs and looked away. "I'm sorry Judy." I whispered to the empty car.

When I looked up, she was gone. A single tear fell from my cheek as I came to grips with what I had done. With a sigh, I climbed out of the car and headed inside. I wanted to just run away, hide. Approaching the front door, I felt like I was heading to my firing squad. Oddly, enough, I was ok with that. I deserved one. Once inside I hoped to just sneak by unnoticed, but my luck wasn't that good.

"Hey Nick!" Benjamin Clawhauser, the desk sergeant, called to me.

I didn't acknowledge his call. Not even looking up, I continued my walk of shame.

"Officer Wilde!" He called again.

With my ears pressed firmly against my head, and my shoulders slumped, I just made my way to the bullpen. There was no doubt that I had heard him this time, as fellow officers watched me snub the friendly cheetah. Behind me, Clawhauser went back to work, visibly upset and concerned.

POV (Judy)

I walked in the front door, and was immediately spotted by Clawhauser.

"Hi Judy!" he called, in his usual happy way.

All I could do was muster a half-hearted wave and smile. I hoped he wouldn't notice, but he did.

"Whoa…. Judy, you OK? You look rough." He asked, a worried look on his face.

"Yeah I'm fine Clawhauser. Just allergies. Hey do you mind letting the chief know I will be a bit late to the briefing? I need to go clean up a bit in the washroom." I asked him. Doing my best to put on a brave face.

"Oh, you poor thing! Sure, you go and get squared away. I will let the chief know." Clawhauser replied. "You go take care of those pesky allergies."

"Thank you so much." I said as I moved to the women's locker room.

Once in the locker room, I went to the sink to do as I said. After all, "my personal issues were to be checked at the door." I told myself. Crime didn't give a damn what I had going on. But as I looked in the mirror, my resolve faded away. Alone in the washroom, all my bottled-up emotions came out. I collapsed into a heap on the floor, sobbing to the empty room. I felt alone. Maybe I had been wrong this entire time. Maybe I was a dumb bunny that didn't belong here. Every decision I had ever made being second guessed as I struggled to comprehend what was happening. I felt like my whole world had just ended.

POV(Nick)

I entered the briefing room and I was a bit shocked. Judy was nowhere to be seen. I figured she was probably with Bogo asking for another partner. I couldn't blame her. I was not in a mood to engage with any of the other officers, so I quietly took a seat in the back. No sooner had I sat down, then the chief made his way into the room, no Judy still. "Why do I care. I caused this... I shouldn't be surprised." I thought as the chief began the morning briefing.

In his usual manner, Chief Bogo began going over the assignments for the day. Since I was distracted I only half-listened as he barked out orders. Like always, my assignment was last. I only looked up when I heard him say my name.

"Officer Wilde!" Chief Bogo bellowed.

"Sir?" My simple reply raised eyebrows throughout the room. Everyone use to me giving the chief a hard time with my sarcastic remarks.

"Hmm…..." Bogo said eyeing me, "Since Hopps isn't kind enough to join us, you must fill her in. The Mayor wants us to increase our presence patrols. Help generate a more community style policing. So, I want you and Hopps to conduct foot patrols in Savannah Central. Stop in businesses, talk to the locals. Understood?"

"Yes Chief." I wearily responded.

Still eyeing me Bogo wrapped up the brief. "That's it everyone. Get to it. Wilde! A word."

I watched as everyone else shuffled out and the door shut behind them. I wondered where Judy could be. It wasn't like her to miss roll call.

POV (Judy)

I don't know how long I lay on the floor of the locker room, but I finally got a hold of myself and cleaned up the best I could. I still looked awful, but at least now it looked as if I could have been suffering from allergies... instead of crying my eyes out. Knowing that I had already missed the briefing, I went out to head to my desk to see if Nick was there. It worried me that I hadn't even heard from him since he shouted at me in the car. I didn't even know if he was even here. The last I saw he was in the car, and he sure as hell didn't come looking for me. Crossing the lobby, I was also terrified of the lecture I was sure to get from the chief for failing to report to roll call.

Just when I thought I was safe, my ears and fur stood up on end. "HOOOOPPPPPSSSSS! MY OFFICE NOW!" I heard the chief shout from his third-floor office. The entire station seemed to freeze and go quiet. All eyes now fixated on me. Slowly with my ears flat against my head, I made my way to the chief. As I walked I wished I could just vanish as I felt everyone's' eyes follow me. When I arrived at his door, I timidly knocked and entered his office.

"Y... You wanted to see me sir?" I choked out.

"Hopps, need I remind yo…..." Bogo began but trailed off as he turned around. "Cheese and crackers, Hopps. Clawhauser told me you had allergies, but you look absolutely dreadful." He continued in a firm but gentler tone.

"Sorry chief, I had to go get cleaned up, I..." I started but Bogo cut me off.

"Hopps, I don't care." He said in a strained voice. "Look, I have already sent Wilde home for the day. He was in no shape to work. By the looks of it, you aren't either."

I chimed in before he could go on, "Sir, I'm fine. Just need some allergy medicine from my desk then I am good to go. Really."

The massive Buffalo, thought for a moment then let out a sigh. "OK, fine. Your assignment is an easy one today anyway. With Wilde out though, I am pairing you with McHorn. He is waiting downstairs and will fill you in. Dismissed."

I got up to leave thankful that I will have something to keep myself distracted, and that my meeting with the chief was much better than expected. As I left the chief added one more thing, "And be sure to be on time to the briefing tomorrow!"

I sheepishly nodded and left to find McHorn.