And then, quite suddenly, they were back on the floor of the closet as if nothing had occurred.

Hermione came awake with Severus laying half on top of her, one strong arm wrapped firmly around her waist. Her face was once again wet, not with snow this time, but the faintest hint of drool. Hastily she wiped her cheeks, freezing when she registered the intent gaze of the Headmaster on her.

"You've missed a spot." Gently, he brushed the tip of her nose, fingers coming back with streaks of black. "The remains of Peruvian Instant Darkness Power, I think."

He had a similar spot on his forehead, and without stopping to think about it, she reached up and brushed it off. Stilling at her touch, he stared down at her with fathomless eyes.

"Hermione," he started, voice a silken rumble. "Please tell that you remember what just happened- that it wasn't just all in my head..."

"Don't ever ask me to go hunting for potions ingredients with you again," she replied with a shaky smile, reaching for a touch of levity to defuse the situation.

Stark relief flashed across his expression. "To be fair, I didn't ask you this time, either." Jaw tightening, he glanced at the mess surrounding them. "And when I find out who was behind this little escapade, I shall make them pay accordingly."

"Was it truly that bad?" she asked, the question coming out far less steadily than she had intended. Oh, God, if this changes nothing between us, I really will have to quit!

"No." Pushing himself into a sitting position, Severus helped her off the ground. "I didn't mean it like that. I just don't appreciate significant numbers of my staff plotting against me, however well meaning."

"Good," Hermione said, finding herself suddenly tongue-tied, the memory of all that had happened flooding back. "Good that you didn't find the experience all that bad, not that you don't appreciate staff plotting…"

He silenced her with a finger to her lips. "I should have said this straight off… Forgive me for all that I did and said over the last several months. There is no excuse for my poor conduct. I just…" Severus shook his head, running a weary hand through his hair. "I had such high hopes, and then when I thought all was lost, my only instinct was to try and destroy everything."

Swallowing hard at the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat, Hermione asked, "Severus… do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation. "More than anything. I just… I don't know how you can excuse my conduct."

"I acted poorly as well," Hermione told him softly. "But if we could start over—if we could forgive each other, and move forward as a couple—would you want to do that?"

"Yes. Hermione… I want you." He flushed suddenly. "I mean, it's not only your body I want, although I clearly find you incredibly attractive…" Severus stopped, burying his head in his hands. "Gods, I can't even do this right!"

Pulling his hands back from his long face, Hermione gently kissed him, trying to give him some courage to articulate what he needed. "I want your body too, Severus. But I also want more than that."

Cupping her cheek, he leaned in and kissed her in return. It was a hungry, oddly bleak kiss. Pulling back to stare at her, he sighed. "I am so tired of being alone, Hermione. I want everything. Mind, body, soul… if you can forgive me. If we can start again… I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make you happy."

She could see quite clearly that he did not think that she would grant him absolution, more or less a second chance at a relationship. For all that he was one of the most powerful Wizards in Great Britain, and the Headmaster of it's most famous school, Severus Snape was still a fragile man. Vowing to take much more care in her interactions with him—hell, of him!—Hermione answered.

"My forgiveness depends on one thing, and only one thing."

"And that is?"

Linking a hand with his, she squeezed. "That you likewise forgive me. I should have acted the adult and said something rather than make assumptions about what you were thinking; I should have trusted that you would hear me out. Moreover, once things went south, I should not have so convincingly played the part of an insufferable harridan."

"My forgiveness is yours." The tension eased from his lean body, and Severus brought a second hand to cup hers. "But I have to know. Why didn't you say something that night? If you waited for me in my rooms as you said..?"

Hermione blushed. "Enid MacMillan."

"What on earth does Enid MacMillan have to do with any of this?"

"Prior to the first staff meeting in August, I overheard Minerva teasing you about the way you had declined the offers of Enid MacMillan and several other witches. When I saw you drawing Harry's Mum, all I could think was that it had all been wishful thinking on my part and that if you found out, you'd react the same way."

As she spoke, one black brow arched up. "Ahhh. That makes some sense."

"As I said," Hermione repeated, shame flooding her, "… I should have trusted you to handle it in a professional fashion, rather than simply take the easy way out by avoiding you."

That earned her an eye roll. "Given my more recent behaviour, I'm not sure that your assumption was all that incorrect. Had you come to me… well, that's not something either of us can change. I hope that I would have been decent enough to handle the situation correctly, regardless of my feelings. However, I do not imagine that you would have propositioned me in a manner as publically vulgar as Enid MacMillan did, either."

Hermione smirked. "I did linger about in your rooms with my blouse unbuttoned most shamelessly."

"And you are welcome to do so anytime you please." His words were richly evocative, and Hermione felt her pulse speed up.

"Are you asking me out, Severus?"

His hand tightened on hers. "Have dinner with me, Hermione. Come sit on my settee with your blouse unbuttoned, and we'll read Jurassic Park together, or whatever it is that people do on dates."

She laughed, feeling happier than she had in ages. "Will you draw me like a French girl?"

Severus' mouth quirked. "I have no notion of what that means, nor have I ever drawn a French girl, but yes, I'll draw you if you want."

"Clearly, you need some tutoring in the field of advanced Muggle studies. We should start with your settee and the film Titanic."

Unbending his long legs, he rose completely and proffered a hand up. "Would that be the one involving icebergs and a sinking ship? Because I am not that ignorant of history..."

Letting herself be pulled into his embrace, Hermione smiled at him coquettishly. "Yes, that's the correct disaster. But the film also features Kate Winslet's breasts. You'll like them."

Severus' gaze dropped to her own modestly covered bosom. "I'm sure I will. But I have no doubt that yours are better." Returning his heated regard to her face, he brushed a lingering kiss across her lips. "Now come, Professor Granger. We need to set this room to rights before any other calamities befall us."

"Shall we plot a spot of revenge while we work?"

This time it was he who laughed. "I do like the way you think…" Picking up a box and showing it to her, he sent her a wolfish grin. "I've always wanted to be a pirate."

Taking the Weasley Wizarding Wheezes Patented Daydream Charm- 'Piratical Fantasies Edition!'- from his grasp, Hermione tucked it in her robes with a wink. "We'll just store this one elsewhere, don't you think?"

"The closet is rather overcrowded…" Bending down, Severus halted suddenly, frame stiffening. Peering down at the mess on the floor, Hermione saw that he was staring at her letter of resignation.

We did manage to create quite the mess, didn't we?

"Severus," she called softly when he still hadn't straightened. "We're both forgiven, remember? That part is over."

He smiled at her, but shadows lingered in his eyes.

"Come here," she commanded and wrapped her arms around him as he stepped closer. "We'll take things slow. They'll be lots of dinners and evenings on your settee. We'll learn how to be with each other without it being all fire or ice. We'll both work to make each other happy."

"Has anyone," he asked her, voice muffled by her hair, "…told you how brilliant you are?"

"Not recently. You're a rare, clever man to recognise it."

His chuckle vibrated delightfully through his chest. "Do you know what else clever men can do..?"

The Next Morning…

Minerva and her minions waited breathlessly at the High Table, wondering if their plans had born any fruit.

Hermione was already seated left of the middle, appearing absolutely knackered, and not in the shagged-out, I've-been-thoroughly-debauched-in-a-closet fashion. How did it not work? Minerva wondered as she observed her cub tiredly eat toast with all the enthusiasm of a sloth. We set it up so carefully! And George said the only way they'd be able to exit the daydream is if they finally…

With a dramatic billow of black robes, the Headmaster strode in, sharp eyes travelling the length of the table and then inspecting the student body as a whole. Everyone held their collective breaths, waiting to see what sort of mood the man of the hour might be in.

With a faintly sour grimace, he reached for the coffee. Minerva noted that he also entirely lacked the post-coital glow they had hoped for.

Well, she thought resignedly, he can't be too mad if he's going for the coffee- his stomach would prevent it if he were truly that worked up…

With a screech of wood against the tile, Hermione pushed her chair back and rose. Everyone—staff included—halted. From across the room, Minerva saw a piece of smoked kipper fall from the mouth of a Hufflepuff.

Oh, no. Please, please don't let there be a scene again! Not here!

Severus was all cool-eyed dispassion as he stared at his Muggle Studies Professor. "Professor Granger."

Had a pin taken that moment to fall to the ground, it would have been audible.

Hermione gave him a shallow nod in return. "Headmaster." Without another word, she turned and dismounted the steps of the dais, walking the length of student tables in utter silence.

Are her hips swaying? Minerva wondered, missing the fact that Severus had not torn his gaze from her backside. No, I must be imagining it…

Well, bugger. It looks like it's back to the drawing board...

Two Weeks Later

George Weasley was in the middle of a very important budgetary presentation when it happened; with a loud, gassy squeal, he turned into a human-sized, bright-yellow canary.

Oh, fuck, he thought as his sales predictions fluttered to the floor; he no longer had opposable thumbs, after all. It's my anniversary tonight. Angelina's gonna kill me…

He remained a canary for three whole days.

The Following Afternoon

Pomona Sprout loved taking a good kip; truly, her day was not completed without one. Her favourite place to nap was on the specially transformed loveseat in Greenhouse Three- it received the perfect amount of late afternoon sun, and the scent of growing things always set her mind at ease. Just a little tot out of her flask, and a bit a stretch on the loveseat, and Pomona was visiting Bedfordshire quicker than one could say 'venomous tentacula.'

The Herbologist had just fallen asleep when the lightest of caresses brushed across her arm. She shifted restlessly, batting at the irritation.

It persisted.

With an irritated snort, she jerked awake… only to find nearly a hundred plants encircling her, fronds, leaves and stems all dancing in a non-existent, creepy breeze.

The touch on her arm came again. Nearly falling off the sofa, she stared at the plant trying to get her attention.

Her Japanese Peace Lily had a face. And arms. And a mouth.

Plants don't have faces…

"Hello, Mummy," it said to her dreamily, and she screamed.

Later That Evening

Neville Longbottom was hard at work clearing the mess of Greenhouse Three; Pomona had smashed quite a few pots after having the oddest nightmare about talking plants or some such nonsense.

Really, he wondered. She needs to lay off the Firewhiskey before things get out of hand. Moreover, I don't know why the notion of talking Peace Lily would bother her so much. It's not as if it could do more than tickle you. It's not like she was dreaming of fanged geraniums, after all…

Something wrapped around his foot tightly.

Glancing down, Neville saw that it was Devil's Snare.

Why is that plant in this greenhouse? It should be in five…

With a yank, the insidious vines pulled him into a dark corner, the leaves making a sound that soundly suspiciously like a cackle. In a matter of minutes, he was trussed up just like a holiday turkey.

Pomona had to free him in the morning.

Three Days Later

For an entire week, every single spell that Filius Flitwick cast resulted in either his wand or the object turning into a rubber chicken.

A squeaking, clucking, rubber chicken.

The students were highly amused.

He was not.

One Day After That

Poppy knew it was coming.

Strange fates had befallen her co-conspirators, and she knew it was only a matter of time before she met hers.

Still, she was shocked when the fourth-floor stair that she stepped on folded inward; then, with a muted 'whoosh', the entire stairway turned into a narrow, sharply dropping slide.

With a high-pitched yell, she slid down the ramp like a greased pig through a chute, robes and hair flying in every direction.

It could have been fun, Poppy supposed later when she had regained her dignity and her stomach. She had loved slides as girl… but the five-story roller coaster ride down to the dungeons of Hogwarts was something else entirely.

Two Months Later

It was smugness, Minerva reckoned, not curiosity, that killed cats.

Three months had not made her safe.

The Deputy Headmistress had been patrolling the hallways in her feline form when she had come across some rather pungent cat balm; one sniff had rendered her into a limp, sleepy lump unable to more than drool and blink.

Alas, it was there that five-year-old hell-child of the Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor had found her. The pink-clad girl had plucked her up and cheerfully announced that "Tabby Kitty is just in time for a tea party!"

No, thought Minerva. I am not going to a tea party…

She was very wrong.

Twenty minutes later, Minerva McGonagall was sitting limply at a child's table, dressed in a pink pinafore and bonnet, being served cups of imaginary tea.

"Tabby Kitty is so pretty! Does Tabby Kitty want to play makeup now?"

Minerva hissed.

She still ended up wearing lipstick.

Later That Evening

Severus was laughing as he entered the bedroom. Looking up from her book, Hermione smiled affectionately.

"Well?"

His smirk deepened. "I was forced to rescue Minerva from the clutches of a small child bent on making 'Tabby Kitty' the next high fashion model, complete with very questionable undergarments and the most hideously overdone makeup I've seen outside of the whores of Knockturn Alley."

"Oh, my. I don't suppose you got a picture?"

"Of course I did." Walking over to the wardrobe, he began to slowly unbutton his robes, relishing the sensation of being watched appreciatively as he stripped down to his pants.

It was a strange feeling, this coupled contentedness; Severus wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to it after a lifetime alone. The last three and half months had been sheer bliss with Hermione—well, there had been a few disagreements along the way, but they had found that make-up sex had its advantages—and he was currently working out the exact details of his proposal. He had the ring, and it was simply a matter of choosing the appropriate location. All and all, he thought, almost cheerfully, I think it's clear that I'm the jammy sod for once…

"You're awfully quiet tonight," he finally said, padding over the bed.

Hermione placed her book on the bedside table and obligingly pulled the cover back so he could join her. With a smirk of her own, she revealed that she had placed a familiar oblong box under the sheets.

"I thought that perhaps we could give this a go." Her lovely, delectable hand caressed the cover of the 'Piratical Fantasies Edition' Weasley Wizarding Wheezes Patented Daydream Charm. "Given that we have at least several hours of safety before the staff starts to plot against us again."

Severus stretched out on the bed next to her. "Has real life proven to be that much of disappointment, sweetheart?" he teased.

Her hand moved from the box to his bare chest, tweaking the flat caramel nipples before sliding down to fondle the growing bulge in his pants. "Not in the least. I just enjoy… playing with you."

"You do?"

"Mmmm, yes." Fingers dipping under his waistband, Hermione stroked his cock into full hardness. "Don't you like playing with me?"

Twisting suddenly, he rose above her, pinning Hermione to the mattress. "No. I love playing with you."

Her amber eyes softened in the way that always made him feel like the luckiest man in the world, and she pulled his head down for a deep kiss. "Oh, Severus, I love you, too," she moaned as he began to nibble his way down to her breasts.

Grinning wickedly, he secured both of her hands within his and then restrained them to the headboard with a silent sticking charm. "So, you want to play a game of pirates and maidens, hmmm? Do you want to be a spoil of war, Hermione? Captured on the high seas and given to the biggest, baddest pirate captain? Shall I plunder your body for its most valuable treasure?"

Laughing huskily, she flexed her hips into his. "Who says you get to be the pirate? Maybe I'll be the one to steal you away into the night, bind you to my bunk and teach you all about the carnal pleasures of sex."

"There's only one way to find out." Banishing their clothes to the hamper, he hissed as the silken expanse of her naked skin rubbed against his. "But first, we have some pressing business to attend to..."

A/N- Long time, no update. Bad fanfic writer!

As always, life has been life-y, and writing is getting squeezed into smaller and smaller bits of time. Thank you to everyone who continues to read and comment- your support is what keeps me returning. It was incredibly humbling to come back and read all the wonderful reviews. I've missed you guys!

A happy New Year and hugs to the reviewers of the last chapter: windyshoes, iron-on-maiden, Onyx Obsidian, Brightki, juliany reis, Amarenima Redwood, Hanable-13, CrazySlytherin, Blue night fairy, Aedammair, AuroraMcGonagall, marzipan4, Dentelle, PaperInkandPaints, Cate Tyler, pgoodrichboggs, RhodaBush, sevslave1, GreyBunny, Karli1252, Nachtwens, Fragilereality, Katie Lady 8, Fantomette34, Fraulein Takoor, elizabethrose1974 as well several guests.

A couple of administrative notes- for those you looking for more wonderful SSHG stories and art, the 2017 SSHG Gift Exchange is going on right now over at LiveJournal. Come have a look! I'll be starting to post the entry from last year's exchange today or tomorrow- and yes, it's done!

I've also started cross-posting everything over at Archive of Our Own- while it doesn't quite have the SSHG community that FFnet does, I do love how easy it is to find exactly what you are looking for, and their system of story tags makes it very user-friendly.

Finally, I've got the 5th, pirate-themed chapter for this in the works, but I've been unhappy with it for some time (hence the lack of updates). For now, I'm going to mark this story as complete- there are two other pieces I want to finish, and I've got a couple more stories in works that I want to focus on instead. It will likey go up, just not anytime soon. Sorry :(