I write this at two in the morning, if you flame.... I will understand, but
I am so very muffin right now I find this terribly funny and ingenious.
Forgive me, it's been concocting in my brain for quite some time now and I needed a small break from Angel of Music Among Other Things and my site.
Dedicated to my deliciously wonderful friend Amy, the bestest never met friend in the world
Chicketieboo presents to you now, in digicolor:
SEDUCING ERIK FOR DUMMIES
A book by Chicketieboo
You've read "internet for dummies," and "accounting for dummies", but you haven't read anything if you have not read the new instalment to the series of self tutoring books, "SEDUCING ERIK FOR DUMMIES." Within this book you will find five easy steps into the heart of everyone's favourite phantom.
STEP ONE: KNOW THE LANGUAGE
Read "French for dummies."
Remember ladies, "I would bare your children," means nothing if not understood. Only when you are able to speak and understand fluent French will you be able to continue onto the next step.
STEP TWO: FIND A WAY TO GET THERE
Read "Time travel for dummies."
It is quite impossible to seduce someone who has been dead for over a century. (Unless you are actually quite into necrophilia, in which case you would need his body.) Within the pages of time travel for dummies you will find expert ways as to create your own personal time machine and how you should pack for your new life. One does not make an impression wearing a tank top and jeans. Also, one might remember to travel to Paris present time before travelling through time. It is faster and less expensive in 2003 then the three-month voyage you would have to take in 1880.
STEP THREE: SET UP THE GAME
Once you have completed the easy steps 1 and 2, you are ready to embark on the journey that is the extraordinary and exquisite Erik. With the knowledge you brought with you through time from our books, you first need to rent a small, affordable apartment within walking distance to the Paris Opera in the year 1880. (Why do we choose a year before the events in the opera house take place? It's simple really, if Erik never has a chance to lie to Christine, they cannot truly fall in love can they?)
After you have rented this apartment, you must secure yourself a position in the chorus of the Opera Populaire. This is the perfect way to set up the game of chess you are about to masterfully play. Now that you are a member of the chorus you have easy access to a young woman named Christine Daae. With any chance she will be new there as well, not to mention quite lonely, a vulnerable victim of your undying love indeed. Taking this into consideration you should make friends with this woman as soon as possible. If you are apt you already know her hobbies, her likes and dislikes. That way you can skip the formalities.
Confide in her, make her trust and confide in you. Remember, if you are closer to Christine, you are closer to Erik.
STEP FOUR: BEGIN YOUR PLAY
Part one: Your move
Once you have a well-established relationship with Christine, or in other words, before she talks to Erik of the angel of music. (Trust me, you will know if she has or has not, and if you do not, you don't deserve him.) You can now take your plan into action.
Upon finishing rehearsal take Christine aside and confide in her that you feel that your voice is lacking and you fear dismissal from the managers. If she does not bring it up, then ask her if she would rehearse longer with you in her dressing room.
When she says yes, for she will not say no to you if you secured your position as her friend, proceed to her room and begin the extra practice. Give the libidinous and lascivious lover enough time to hear Christine's and your singing from the dressing room. You mustn't forget that below your feet is five levels' of catacomb basement. Our provocative profound phantom isn't really a ghost after all, just a man.
Within twenty minutes of singing, maybe even thirty begin to cough and make the simple request for a glass of water. If you were wise, you have already made sure that all glasses and water supplies within ten minutes of her room were gone. Being ever the hostess she is, Christine will depart on her small quest to quench your thirst.
Using this opportunity to win over our tantalizing talented teacher of terror's empathy, act like a helpless victim and reveal a sad tale of woe to "no one" but the room itself. Remember this tale of woe does not have to be falsified, nor completely true, nevertheless, the more pathetic and heart wrenching, the better.
Divulge that you feel you cannot sing, that you feel so out of place and "trapped." You do not necessarily need to use the word trapped. However, it does implore our fashionable and facile friend to feel a bond or connection, if you will, with you. Then state maybe you should just become a dancer instead and proceed to attempt to do some of the steps the ballerina's do.
Position yourself so that your back is to the mirror, that way you can fall into it and not hurt yourself too badly. The point of this exercise is not to break the mirror, but to portray yourself to be unconscious. Nevertheless if the mirror does break you are in a safer position that face or extremities first.
Part two: his move
Unfortunately the next part of this is entirely in the hands of enigmatic, esoteric, extraordinary Erik. Fortunately if memory serves correct, the equivocal, evasive, educator of euphony can't help himself when it comes to damsels in distress. When he takes you in his strong arms, try to remember to not pee yourself in utter glee. A dry Erik is a happy Erik. However tempting, resist the urge to kiss, cuddle, jump, ravish, or rape him as he carries you down to his secret lair. Lay totally paralysed in his arms, as one would if they were asleep.
Part three: The suggestion
Upon entering the room he is to keep you in for the night, wait till he lays you on the bed, and then open your eyes to look at his masked face. There is no need to fret ladies, at least at this part there is no need to act, simply smile warmly and mutter something about "A wonderful dream." When he leaves, TRY to sleep for the night. It is understandable if you cannot; nevertheless it is pertinent that you do try for tomorrow is a big day!
Part four: The victor
If it is possible try to wake before him, although it is doubtful that it would be possible. Therefore, there are two ways to greet him the day after his rescue.
You may either:
Greet him friendly with a smile commenting on his beautiful home and music. (Would our ingenious incommodious inventor be doing anything else?) Ask him politely what happened to you for him to be such a gentleman and take you into his home. Also, ask if you may have some tea... in fact, does he have any Russian tea? The kind one must make with a Samora.
Or
If you do have the opportunity to wake up before him, hopefully you were sharp enough to learn how to work the samora yourself in the twenty-first century and can use those skills to impress and thank him for saving you the other night.
STEP FIVE: MANNERS
If you have gotten this far, then obviously you are resourceful enough to take it the rest of the way on your own. Here are just a few pointers so that you do not ruin the opportunity you now have. Never ask what lies beyond the mask within the initial part of your budding relationship, nor remove it. Remember ladies, removing once mask without permission is not only uncouth, but unlady like as well. Never once ask him about the infamous murders taken place in the Opera. If you are going to be with our ambrosial and alluring angel then you already know that there was more to the stories then just the black and white outlook. Never mention his name until he gives it to you, nor anything you learnt of his past. It is one thing to be kind to him; it is another to turn out to be just as much of a stalker as he is. Although it is appealing to you, it may not appeal to him. Not to mention that there is a chance that maybe something has been fallacious in the books, music, and media surrounding his life. For all you know, he could of grown up the second child of a caring and devote mother only to be kidnapped and tortured by gypsies. You will only know when he finally feels that you are trust worthy. Lastly, try and keep him as far away from Christine as possible and when with her, always praise the Vicomte. If you do this correctly she will not even KNOW who Erik is let alone how much she loves him.
Now that you have read "How to seduce Erik for dummies," you are probably laying in his arms right now, you vixen. We hope we have somehow had a part in helping you entrap sumptuous singing slave of sexual, sensual and seductive sin.
Don't forget to read our other books: "How to sing for dummies" "How to torture for dummies" "How to seduce Chorus girls for dummies" "How to sew red death costumes for dummies" "How to throw your voice for dummies" "How to defeat Erik for dummies" "How to survive the torture chamber for dummies" "How to be a ballerina for dummies"
Forgive me, it's been concocting in my brain for quite some time now and I needed a small break from Angel of Music Among Other Things and my site.
Dedicated to my deliciously wonderful friend Amy, the bestest never met friend in the world
Chicketieboo presents to you now, in digicolor:
SEDUCING ERIK FOR DUMMIES
A book by Chicketieboo
You've read "internet for dummies," and "accounting for dummies", but you haven't read anything if you have not read the new instalment to the series of self tutoring books, "SEDUCING ERIK FOR DUMMIES." Within this book you will find five easy steps into the heart of everyone's favourite phantom.
STEP ONE: KNOW THE LANGUAGE
Read "French for dummies."
Remember ladies, "I would bare your children," means nothing if not understood. Only when you are able to speak and understand fluent French will you be able to continue onto the next step.
STEP TWO: FIND A WAY TO GET THERE
Read "Time travel for dummies."
It is quite impossible to seduce someone who has been dead for over a century. (Unless you are actually quite into necrophilia, in which case you would need his body.) Within the pages of time travel for dummies you will find expert ways as to create your own personal time machine and how you should pack for your new life. One does not make an impression wearing a tank top and jeans. Also, one might remember to travel to Paris present time before travelling through time. It is faster and less expensive in 2003 then the three-month voyage you would have to take in 1880.
STEP THREE: SET UP THE GAME
Once you have completed the easy steps 1 and 2, you are ready to embark on the journey that is the extraordinary and exquisite Erik. With the knowledge you brought with you through time from our books, you first need to rent a small, affordable apartment within walking distance to the Paris Opera in the year 1880. (Why do we choose a year before the events in the opera house take place? It's simple really, if Erik never has a chance to lie to Christine, they cannot truly fall in love can they?)
After you have rented this apartment, you must secure yourself a position in the chorus of the Opera Populaire. This is the perfect way to set up the game of chess you are about to masterfully play. Now that you are a member of the chorus you have easy access to a young woman named Christine Daae. With any chance she will be new there as well, not to mention quite lonely, a vulnerable victim of your undying love indeed. Taking this into consideration you should make friends with this woman as soon as possible. If you are apt you already know her hobbies, her likes and dislikes. That way you can skip the formalities.
Confide in her, make her trust and confide in you. Remember, if you are closer to Christine, you are closer to Erik.
STEP FOUR: BEGIN YOUR PLAY
Part one: Your move
Once you have a well-established relationship with Christine, or in other words, before she talks to Erik of the angel of music. (Trust me, you will know if she has or has not, and if you do not, you don't deserve him.) You can now take your plan into action.
Upon finishing rehearsal take Christine aside and confide in her that you feel that your voice is lacking and you fear dismissal from the managers. If she does not bring it up, then ask her if she would rehearse longer with you in her dressing room.
When she says yes, for she will not say no to you if you secured your position as her friend, proceed to her room and begin the extra practice. Give the libidinous and lascivious lover enough time to hear Christine's and your singing from the dressing room. You mustn't forget that below your feet is five levels' of catacomb basement. Our provocative profound phantom isn't really a ghost after all, just a man.
Within twenty minutes of singing, maybe even thirty begin to cough and make the simple request for a glass of water. If you were wise, you have already made sure that all glasses and water supplies within ten minutes of her room were gone. Being ever the hostess she is, Christine will depart on her small quest to quench your thirst.
Using this opportunity to win over our tantalizing talented teacher of terror's empathy, act like a helpless victim and reveal a sad tale of woe to "no one" but the room itself. Remember this tale of woe does not have to be falsified, nor completely true, nevertheless, the more pathetic and heart wrenching, the better.
Divulge that you feel you cannot sing, that you feel so out of place and "trapped." You do not necessarily need to use the word trapped. However, it does implore our fashionable and facile friend to feel a bond or connection, if you will, with you. Then state maybe you should just become a dancer instead and proceed to attempt to do some of the steps the ballerina's do.
Position yourself so that your back is to the mirror, that way you can fall into it and not hurt yourself too badly. The point of this exercise is not to break the mirror, but to portray yourself to be unconscious. Nevertheless if the mirror does break you are in a safer position that face or extremities first.
Part two: his move
Unfortunately the next part of this is entirely in the hands of enigmatic, esoteric, extraordinary Erik. Fortunately if memory serves correct, the equivocal, evasive, educator of euphony can't help himself when it comes to damsels in distress. When he takes you in his strong arms, try to remember to not pee yourself in utter glee. A dry Erik is a happy Erik. However tempting, resist the urge to kiss, cuddle, jump, ravish, or rape him as he carries you down to his secret lair. Lay totally paralysed in his arms, as one would if they were asleep.
Part three: The suggestion
Upon entering the room he is to keep you in for the night, wait till he lays you on the bed, and then open your eyes to look at his masked face. There is no need to fret ladies, at least at this part there is no need to act, simply smile warmly and mutter something about "A wonderful dream." When he leaves, TRY to sleep for the night. It is understandable if you cannot; nevertheless it is pertinent that you do try for tomorrow is a big day!
Part four: The victor
If it is possible try to wake before him, although it is doubtful that it would be possible. Therefore, there are two ways to greet him the day after his rescue.
You may either:
Greet him friendly with a smile commenting on his beautiful home and music. (Would our ingenious incommodious inventor be doing anything else?) Ask him politely what happened to you for him to be such a gentleman and take you into his home. Also, ask if you may have some tea... in fact, does he have any Russian tea? The kind one must make with a Samora.
Or
If you do have the opportunity to wake up before him, hopefully you were sharp enough to learn how to work the samora yourself in the twenty-first century and can use those skills to impress and thank him for saving you the other night.
STEP FIVE: MANNERS
If you have gotten this far, then obviously you are resourceful enough to take it the rest of the way on your own. Here are just a few pointers so that you do not ruin the opportunity you now have. Never ask what lies beyond the mask within the initial part of your budding relationship, nor remove it. Remember ladies, removing once mask without permission is not only uncouth, but unlady like as well. Never once ask him about the infamous murders taken place in the Opera. If you are going to be with our ambrosial and alluring angel then you already know that there was more to the stories then just the black and white outlook. Never mention his name until he gives it to you, nor anything you learnt of his past. It is one thing to be kind to him; it is another to turn out to be just as much of a stalker as he is. Although it is appealing to you, it may not appeal to him. Not to mention that there is a chance that maybe something has been fallacious in the books, music, and media surrounding his life. For all you know, he could of grown up the second child of a caring and devote mother only to be kidnapped and tortured by gypsies. You will only know when he finally feels that you are trust worthy. Lastly, try and keep him as far away from Christine as possible and when with her, always praise the Vicomte. If you do this correctly she will not even KNOW who Erik is let alone how much she loves him.
Now that you have read "How to seduce Erik for dummies," you are probably laying in his arms right now, you vixen. We hope we have somehow had a part in helping you entrap sumptuous singing slave of sexual, sensual and seductive sin.
Don't forget to read our other books: "How to sing for dummies" "How to torture for dummies" "How to seduce Chorus girls for dummies" "How to sew red death costumes for dummies" "How to throw your voice for dummies" "How to defeat Erik for dummies" "How to survive the torture chamber for dummies" "How to be a ballerina for dummies"