It was a calm and sunny morning in Atlas. A perfectly normal, in better terms, day for James Ironwood. That is until, Qrow Branwen suddenly barged into his office, completely intoxicated.

"Oh, Jiiiiimmyyy..." Qrow wailed in a drunken manner, "Look who I found."

"For the love of Oum," Ironwood replied, "I am trying to concentrate on my work you son of a-"

The general immediately stopped himself upon seeing Dipper Pines standing in front of his desk. A long silence continued on before the 13 year old boy broke it.

"Can I have this?" Dipper asked, holding a crystal ball in his hand.

"Ehhh... no." Ironwood replied.

A long pause occurred. "I didn't want it anyway." Dipper exclaimed as he threw the crystal ball into a wall, shattering it into many pieces.

"What the Hell is wrong with you?" Ironwood asked Dipper?

"I'm taking this, though." Dipper said, pulling with him a state-of-the-art Atlesian medical pod containing a comatose Amber.

"General, I-" Winter Schnee roared before stopping herself upon seeing Dipper.

"That's a nice-" Winter said.
"AAHHH" Dipper screamed.
"-hat." Winter continued.

"SO, YOU WANT A CHALLENGE, DO YOU?!" Dipper yelled angrily at Winter.

"I do?" Winter asked in confusion. "You do?" Dipper asked excitedly, as Ironwood cocked Ember Celica, which somehow, for no reasonable explanation whatsoever, came to his possession.

"I do?"
"You do?"
"I do?"

General Ironwood began furiously cocking Ember Celica, ejecting multiple shells.

"I-" Winter was suddenly cut short by the general.
"I think that-" Ironwood said.
"BRAINS ARE FOR IDIOTS!" Dipper interrupted.
"Yeah, he has a point there." Qrow answered, to which Ironwood cocked a shotgun shell out of a rocket launcher.

"Your constant disassembly of dialogue is interfering with any rHeAzcdDCOIbxIYHhvsEodifrxeDeHAbBaH." Winter said at such great speed, she ended up gargling the last part of her sentence.

Dipper blinked his right eye first, followed by his left.

"Your constant disassembly of dialogue is interfering with any rational plot development." Winter said, finally putting her words together correctly.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLOT?!" Dipper screamed.
"We must find out, because you are a child and I am a Huntress!" Winter exclaimed in an incredibly hasty manner.
"Aw, yeah, let's do this thing!" Dipper yelled in excitement.

The two began to scream loudly as they powered up, glowing auras surrounding the two. Then, Dipper vomited up a holy bayonet belonging to Alexander Anderson, which flew until it found its way to Finn the Human's neck.

"GAAHHHH!" Finn wailed.
"JENGA!" Dipper yelled in joy.
"WHY?!" Finn asked."
"Oh, come on, quit being a sissy-mary." Alucard told the boy.

"You don't know what this feels like-" Finn was suddenly cut off as another bayonet stabbed Alucard in the head. Finn looked in silence as more bayonets were thrown at the immortal vampire. A moment of silence occurred.

"Follow me on Twitter at TheCrimsonFuckr" Alucard said nonchalantly.

"Honestly, I don't understand what in the Oum is going on here." Ironwood exclaimed, describing the entire situation perfectly in one sentence.

"It all started many moons ago," Dipper answered, "before the time of the Internet."
"Bullshit!" Winter objected. "There's always been the Internet!"
"CUT ME OFF AGAIN! SEE WHAT HAPPENS"
Winter simply stood in silence, feeling scared at the boy's threats.
"I like Gravity Fal-" Qrow stated, before Dipper vomited up a pig into Qrow's face.

"Waddles, NOW!" Dipper ordered, as Waddles began to spin around and launch himself into Qrow's face, exploding on impact, leaving nothing but a blank face on the drunken Huntsman.

"You're alright, Dipper." Ironwood said to the boy, feeling a sense of respect towards him.

"You, uh, want I should vomit something up on killjoy over here?" Dipper asked.

"No, no, no." Ironwood answered calmly. "But there is something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"If it's about bridges, forget it." Dipper said. "I dig canals."
"What's your endgame? Almost nothing you do makes sense."
"Sense is like cheesecake."

"I have a question Dipper-sama-chan." Winter began to ask. "Why do you hate me so much?"

"Winter, I don't hate you, I AM YOU!" Dipper answered.

"Wha-"

"When a woman like you needs to be comforted, she tells you it's time to buy more shoes." Dipper began sharing his wisdom. "But she has all the shoes. So we really know she just needs boots. Now everything makes sense. Forever."

Winter was shocked and confused by the words that came out of the boy's mouth, unable to decipher anything at first. Until suddenly, everthing did make sense.

"Oh, I see." Winter said. "The shoes represent Imperialist Mistral and-"

Ironwood suddenly vomited up Waddles onto Dipper's face. "Jenga!" Ironwood said with a smirk, as Dipper looked at him in confusion.

[Tokyo - The Wombats begins playing]

"It's your move." Finn exclaimed, having multiple holy bayonets all over his body.

"GET OFF MY BACK!" Alucard replied angrily, having even more bayonets on him than Finn.