A\N: Okay, so this is something I've had finished for a while and my little sister got a hold of it and told me I should post it, so here it is. I haven't read the comics and I only know what I learn from other fics, so any information in here probably isn't very accurate. This was written WAY before Age of Ultron and obviously doesn't follow it, but… well, I like to pretend that movie never happened anyway- I will never forgive the bombing of the SS Clintasha. Anywho, here you go. Leave a review and lemme know whatcha think.

Clint. That was the first thought that ran through my head. I wouldn't see him again. He didn't love me. It was surprising how one mistake, one fight, could ruin a relationship. I choked on the blood that pooled in my mouth and coughed painfully. I thought I heard him calling me, but knew I had to be wrong. He had given up on me. I was sentenced to die alone and I deserved it. I deserved the painful death that I was being given.

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Three Weeks Earlier

I snagged my file from Coulson's desk and sat down at my computer. As many of the SHIELD agents didn't have the clearance to insert information updates to the computers, I had to do it myself. Not that I really minded it. I didn't want anyone to know what I had done.

I was about halfway through when a voice behind me that I easily recognized as my husband and partner, Clint, said "Jesus, Tasha, you never told me that you were… that that happened to you."

I looked down at the page he was referring to. Ah, the brainwashing. One of my least favorite parts of my past. I couldn't do anything as I watched myself kill so many people. I felt Clint place a kiss on the top of my head and smiled at the familiar gesture. A few pages from the file slipped from my lap and Clint bent to pick them up. He glanced at one page and froze.

The anger on his face made my smile slide off mine. "What?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Confusion clouded my thoughts. What was he talking about? "Why didn't you tell that you killed my brother?"

I froze. Oh, that. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Clint laughed harshly. "Oh, you didn't want to hurt me. Yeah, right. You didn't want to tell me that you killed the last person in my family. That's what you didn't want to do."

"Clint, let me explain."

"No! Don't explain. I don't want to hear it." With that Clint stormed from the room, leaving me wishing I could somehow go back in time and fix everything.

The next morning, I found a note on the counter from Clint that made my heart leap out of my chest. All it said was "Sign them." Underneath the note were divorce papers. My sorrow choked me and tears spilled down my cheeks. He actually hated me. I had always hated myself but now he did too and that made everything so much worse. I did the only thing I could think of. I signed the papers.

A few days later a mission came in that I claimed without a second thought. If Clint didn't want me here I might as well go back there. Back to the Red Room. Sure, I was going to go there to destroy the place once and for all, but I was still going back. I prepared for the mission for two weeks before I was shipped out. Nobody knew what happened between Clint and me and if they did they were smart enough not to mention it. I was back to being the way I was before I'd know Clint. Deadly and silent. Cold and calculating. Nobody dared to mess with me. They knew better.

Things went sideways the moment I set foot on the Red Room base. Someone recognized me and began shooting. The bullets hit me. One, two, three shots? I lost count but I knew I was bad off. It didn't stop Ivan from collecting me though. No, he was too proud. He had to get the last word in. Prove to all those that considered defecting that there was no use. He would get you.

He tied me up and waited until I was very nearly passed out from blood loss before he put his knife to my skin. He dragged the knife down my bare abdomen, laughing manically as he spelt out the word "Traitor". He bound me to a metal chair and turned on the electroshock machine. He denied me food and drink and put an open flame to my skin. He dislocated my limbs one by one and popped them back into place before repeating the cycle. He drew the torture out.

After what felt like years of agony, that was, in fact, only a week, Ivan stopped hurting me. He stripped me of everything but my underwear and threw me out into the cold. Literally. It was the middle of the winter in Russia and Ivan knew that I wouldn't last long with my injuries. I knew I wouldn't last long. I stared up at the stars and thought about Clint. He was right, I should have told him about Barney but how does one tell their spouse that his brother was a Red Room agent that tried to kill them? I couldn't find the words to let him know that his brother had joined the Red Room and kidnapped and attempted to kill me before I shot him. That wasn't in the file though. The file said that Barney became a target and it was my job to take him out. It said nothing more than "Complete." Clint didn't know what had actually gone on.

"Hello, little spider. They sent me to kill you, but I suspect that you already know that. I hear you've taken an interest in my brother. I can't say that I'm surprised, he always had a weakness for the pretty ones."

I used my well worn line. "You think I'm pretty?"

Barney laughed. "Oh, you're a funny one. I can see why Clint keeps you around. Unfortunately, I have to kill you. Orders from the Red Room and whatnot, you understand."

I sucked in a breath. "You're Red Room?"

"Duh, I thought they told me you were smart. I was recruited a year or two after I left my dear little brother with the circus freaks. I've been with them for a while now. But not as long as you were. Tell me, Natalia, what made you decide to defect?"

Natasha weighed the question in her mind. She would kill Barney soon enough so why not get something out of him. "Clint."

"Oh, I see. Let me guess, he saw something in your eyes and he just had to save you."

"That's how the story goes, yes."

"Ugh, always so fucking noble." Seemingly just for kicks, Barney pistol whipped me across the face. Blood filled my mouth and I spit it in his face. He chuckled. "You're feisty, I'll give you that, spider."

When he turned his back to pick something up, I flew forward, springing from the handcuffs I had picked the lock on and slamming my fists on top of Barney's head. He rolled away and aimed a gun at me. "My, my, you are good. It's a shame I have to kill you. With the rate that the widow program is going downhill, we could use you. Too bad indeed."

Barney pulled the trigger and I dodged to the side a moment before the bullet landed. I yanked the gun from Barney's grasp and knocked him to the floor. "I don't want to kill you. That would hurt Clint."

Barney laughed. "The Black Widow too scared to kill someone." He pulled a knife out of his boot and hurled it at me. I dodged again and he was standing in front of me with another knife in his hand before I could recover so I did what came naturally. I aimed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger.

Something shifted in the air and I retreated from the memory. Perfect, absolutely perfect. It was starting to snow. If I didn't die from my wounds soon, hypothermia would do me in. And to think that I used to like winter time. Snow was fun when you weren't dying in it.

As more time passed, I heard someone calling me. I ignored it. If someone was calling my name it could only mean trouble. The voice was closer and all of a sudden, I knew the voice. Impossible. If Clint was calling me, I must surely be dead and gone.

Clint. That was the first thought that ran through my head. I wouldn't see him again. He didn't love me. It was surprising how one mistake, one fight, could ruin a relationship. I choked on the blood that pooled in my mouth and coughed painfully. I thought I heard him calling me but knew I had to be wrong. He had given up on me. I was sentenced to die alone and I deserved it. I deserved the painful death that I was being given. The cold seeped into me and my mind drifted.

My head lolled to the side and I could feel my heartbeat begin to slow. The beats becoming fewer and farther between. A warm something brushed my shoulder and I flinched at the touch, certain some beast meant to eat me. Something that felt like a hand brushed my hair away from my face and my eyes met with Clint's blue gray ones. Tears ran down his face and he said "What were you thinking, running into a suicide mission? Why would you do that to me?"

My voice was barely more than a whisper as I said "Didn't think. Wanted to get out of—out of your hair."

My lips felt frozen and I was getting closer to the edge of oblivion. Clint shook his head. "I don't ever want you out of my hair. Understood?"

I could do little more than nod my understanding. Clint scooped me up and carried me somewhere. I couldn't tell exactly where but it was warm and full of people. As Clint carried me inside, a cheer went up and a medical team came over to me, wrapping me in a warm blanket and helping Clint lay me on a stretcher. My eyes slipped closed and darkness overwhelmed me.

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I woke to a beeping noise. I looked around. White walls, white sheets, Clint in the chair beside me. It all spelled out "SHIELD infirmary". I shifted slightly and Clint jolted upright, startling me and causing the beeping to accelerate a moment. Clint looked at me a heartbeat before he seemed to notice that I was looking back.

He grinned happily and pressed his lips to mine. He pulled back and sat down before I had a chance to register what was happening. "They thought you might never wake up."

I tilted my head slightly to indicate my confusion and Clint elaborated. "You've been in a coma for almost a month. The doctors didn't know if you would ever wake up."

I chuckled dryly and croaked "It's not that easy to get rid of me."

Clint placed his hand in mine and said "Apparently, for me it is. I'm really sorry, Tasha. I let my anger guide me and I didn't quite realize that I still need you until Coulson told me that you were missing."

I shook my head slightly, my voice still raspy from disuse. "My fault. I should have told you."

Clint sighed. "Maybe you should have, but we both have our secrets. I have mine and you have yours and I should have respected that you would tell me when you were ready."

I took a deep breath. "He was Red Room."

Clint looked up abruptly. "What?"

"Barney was Red Room. He kidnapped me and had orders to kill me. I didn't want to hurt him but he got the upper hand and I did what I had to."

Clint kissed my hand and said "Okay. I should have known there was a good reason. You always have a good reason."

I smiled and he continued. "I'm sorry I sent the papers to you. I was just so angry. I never thought you would actually sign them."

"I thought you hated me so I thought I would leave you alone."

Clint shook his head. "I burned those papers the moment Phil told me you were missing. I don't want you to leave me alone. Not now, not ever."

Clint kissed the top of my head and I slowly drift back to sleep.

Fin