Disclaimer: Obviously, Archer and Harry Potter aren't mine. If they were I wouldn't be writing crappy fanfiction. So there you go.

Just a short what-if based on the Reddit writing prompt of "Hogwarts gets a new teacher: Sterling Archer". The topic is over a year old, so it ended up here on fanfiction.

Edited for grammer: 10/07

Do You Want Boggarts? Because That's How You Get Boggarts!

"Listen up mini people, Butter Beer should have more than 1.5oz of whiskey."

Hermione Granger raises her hand. "Professor Sterling, Butter Beer isn't supposed to have whiskey in it. It's based on Buttered Beer which appeared in a book 'The Good Huswifes Handmaide for the Kitchin' in 1588. The primary ingredients are beer, sugar, nutmeg, and clove."

Archer unscrewed a flask and poured whiskey into his Butter Beer. "So...It's like ice cream, you can like mint chocolate chip or you can be wrong."

"The only thing wrong here that Hogwarts has employed a drunken muggle." Draco Malfoy said with a sneer. "Strength lies not in defense, but in attack. We don't need defense against the dark arts, we need to strike the mudbloods down."

"Calm down Adolf. The only one in this class you should be worrying about is fire-crotch over there since gingers have no souls." Archer says pointing at Ron Weasley.

Malfoy slammed his hand down onto his desk. "Did you just compare me to some muggle? You just wait till my father hears about this!"

As he chugged his Butter Beer, Archer held out one finger using the classic "in a moment" sign . "Your father can go fuck a sheep. We're in Scotland. That's like, the national pass time or something!" Leaving the empty mug on a desk, he pulled out a rifle.

The muggle-born student's eyes widened in fear while Ron Weasley's widened in excitement. "My father told me about those. It's a muggle boomstick!"

"Sure, let's go with that..." Said Arched as he cocked the rifle. "This is my boomstick! Also known to the non-retarded as an AR-15. It's a .223 caliber and because of the pussies behind the Federal Assault Weapons ban it only holds 10 rounds. Make sure to count the shots children it's very important."

Hermione's hand raised again. "Professor you're supposed to be teaching us about Boggarts today. You have to use the banishing spell Riddikulus on them not a gun."

"We get it already, your panties are wet for soulless-McGee over there. Little advice, give up. The only thing he's cuddling at night with is some guy named Peter." Archer raised his gun. "Ok, poodle head time for you do finally do something intelligent. Let out the Booger thingy."

With a heavy sigh, Hermione trudged over to the closet in the back of the classroom and swung open the door.

The swirling black mist quickly reformed into a humanoid shape as the Boggart emerged. Stomping down one heeled foot the Boggart screamed "Sterling Mallory Archer!"

"Mother!" fumbling his rifle in shock Archer shot the Boggart.

Returning to its mist form the Boggart fled back into the closet.

"I have, like, the largest murder boner right now." said Archer as he stared at the spot he'd last seen his "mother". "Um, so... yeah. You just have to do that and not die. BANG, you've got yourself a dead Boggart.

Hermione sighed. "Professor it's not dead. Boggarts are immortal beings that take the shape of our deepest fears."

"So... it'll come back?"

"Of course." said Hermione, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

"I can infinity kill mother..." Archer bursts out laughing. "Best gig ever!"

Closing Theme Plays