Warning: This is a magicless, female SI reborn as Dudley Dursley. There will be a gender crisis, identity crisis, jealousy, and self loathing, to name a few. Rating may go up.

Chapter One

I was being squeezed on all sides, it was slick, icky, and it hurt. My head felt as if it would fall off, and when my head finally slipped out… It was cold. Freezing. I was naked, and I could not control my limbs. I tried to open my eyes, but they were glued together by a sticky substance. I cried, loudly. Soon I was being cradled by warm hands. I involuntarily leaned in to that warmth, hoping to ward off the coldness. They began to wipe my body using wet cloth, and when I finally opened my eyes… Opened eyes did not give me comfort of knowing where I was. I was sightless.

Panic welled up inside of me. This, this wasn't real. Why was this happening?

"Diddykins," cooed a voice, tired but loving, that I could swear I've never heard before in my life. "He's opened his eyes! Oh Vernon," she sighed. "He has such blue eyes, just like yours. Isn't he such a darling?"

"He sure is, Petunia, my flower. You're going to do your daddy proud, aren't you, little tyke?" said a man gruffly. His ruff hands touched my bare head.

I couldn't see. I couldn't move. I could only hear, and what I heard scared me.

First of all, they were talking in English, with a British accent to be exact. And Vernon? Petunia?

This whole situation befuddled me. I had expected... For one thing, I had not expected to have consciousness. I'd expected- cold, deep, dark, scared, panic, hopelessness- but I wouldn't give up- but fruitless all the same, no light, only darkness- I shook my head mentally. I had expected to be dead.

I didn't understand.

I heard another simper and a croon. Meant to be calming and motherly, but it had opposite effects.

This had to be a dream. This was just that, a twisted, twisted dream, of a horrible death and an unexpected rebirth. Maybe none of this happened, and maybe I was back home again, on my bed, having a nightmare. Because rebirth? I would have laughed hysterically if I could. I didn't believe in reincarnation. My family might have been Buddhists, but I definitely wasn't.

Something caught my panicking mind. Wait. Did the woman just call me a he?

… I greeted this new reality with a scream.

"Such big lungs!" said Petunia with adoration. "Oh Vernon, he's absolutely perfect."