Chapter 17: Be Still

"Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain"

-E.E. Cummings

The last time Sakura saw Ino was during the first week of classes. She later found that to be fitting.

Autumn hadn't dropped to soothe the burn summer had carelessly left that day. The lingering heat had decided to dwell longer, as if it didn't like the idea of being forgotten. The fresh students of the college didn't seem to mind the temperature; they were far too enraptured with the future. But the returners—the ones who remembered the past too often—cursed it. Sakura, however, barely noticed how hot it was that day. If she had been asked later that night about her thoughts concerning the weather, she would have had trouble recalling it.

She was trapped in her mind. A strong force had come and disturbed the land around her. It had transformed everything to such a great extent by means she barely understood, and whether it was through the order of events or even the direct causes themselves confused her. All she was certain of was the choices that had been made. She was tempted to add morality to the mix—to see if asking if she had been good or bad was even necessary to bring up, but that made it too messy. She was sick of mess. She was so sick of seeing her mistakes so clearly. They were stains on her skin, and no matter how much she washed and ignored them, they were still obvious and glaring. Their taunting had thankfully rusted, but she thought they looked uglier now—more callous and decayed.

When Sakura opened the door to her dorm and stopped in the doorway, those rusted bits moved ever so slightly, as if no time had passed at all.

Ino was sitting on the bed she had once called her own, a small bag placed near her feet. She smiled when she saw Sakura freeze. "I wonder if I should be offended by that reaction," she said.

Sakura relaxed her shoulders and closed the door behind her. "What are you doing here?"

Ino motioned to the bag at her feet. "I had to pick up the last of my things."

Sakura's eyes lowered. "So, you're actually leaving? I was just hoping you found a different roommate."

There was a smoothness to Ino's smile then, like she was remembering something important. "As much as I'd like to stay, I think it's best if I go back home."

Sakura nodded. "I understand." A part of her didn't, though. A part of Sakura wanted for Ino to not leave because that meant she would be responsible for pushing her friend away. To understand meant to accept, and she couldn't accept this.

"I also came to say goodbye, too," Ino confessed. Her eyes avoided Sakura's gaze. "To be honest, it's the main reason I'm here. I guess I thought we both deserved it."

Sakura looked at her incredulously. "I don't deserve anything, Ino—not from you. I honestly don't see how you don't hate me for everything that's happened."

Ino's smile widened, and Sakura thought she looked beautiful, like that Wordsworth poem where the lonely cloud wanders the world.

"How could I do that?" Ino inquired. "I think I'd be in the wrong then. Don't get me wrong; there's a part of me that's angry but not at you. I believe I'm just angry at the world and how unpredictable it can be, which really sucks when you think about it." Sakura was reminded of that part in the poem where the cloud saw some daffodils and decided to dance with them; it was only then that the narrator mentioned he was happy.

"I mean, isn't maturity about not getting angry? I always thought so. I guess that still makes me a child. And I had tried so hard not to be, too, Sakura. I really did."

Sakura knew there was depth to Ino's words. She could see the torment and conflict in them, but there wasn't much she could do. It was clear how difficult it was for Ino to bring them out and to press the issue further would just increase the strain for her.

"I know you did," Sakura muttered. It was all she could say.

Ino nodded, her smile still full. "I also had a question for you, if you don't mind."

Sakura's head lifted. "Yes?"

"What happened with Sasuke and you? That is, were you unhappy? Or was it just a natural thing?"

Sakura was surprised to find she didn't really mind the question, despite its barbed nature. She found it quite easy to answer, in fact. And, in her own way, she realized maybe that wasn't a good thing.

"Do you remember that night I read Romeo and Juliet?" Sakura asked. She waited for Ino's reply then continued. "I was searching then, you see. I was just trying to figure out what my emotions were trying to tell me. Somehow, I think that play had the answer. Although, it wasn't easy to accept."

Ino's eyes glimmered wistfully. "I can relate, I think."

"It's kind of a terrible feeling, isn't it? Once you figure it out, it seems cruel. See, the play isn't about what most people think it is. It's not just a love story between two young lovers who are able to bring peace between two families. It's far more than that; it's about the tragedy of love—how truly awful it really is. People like to delude themselves with love, I guess. They like to think that they're the only ones on the planet who could possibly feel such things, that they can shut out the world and breathe only from one another. But it's not like that. Eventually, you have to wake up from the dream. Life isn't so kind that it will let you have the moments you want."

"Was that what happened with Sasuke, then?" asked Ino. "Did you wake up?"

"Yes," Sakura admitted. "But it didn't feel like waking up exactly. It felt more like it became clear, like a blurry photo does the more you stare at it. And when I saw it, I knew that I had let myself be tricked into thinking that my desires were enough. But sometimes love isn't enough. It wasn't for Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare wasn't saying that love conquers all or that peace can be reached through love." Sakura felt the urge to cry, but the tears didn't come. There was only a dull, warm sensation in their place. "No, he was saying that it often fails. No matter how much people may want it to work, sometimes the world will destroy it for no reason at all. And that's where I made a mistake. I just had to hurt people in the process."

Sakura's eyes stung, as if she had been crying the whole time, but they were still dry. "I'm sorry, Ino. I never loved Sasuke, and I made it worse by going after Naruto. My intent was to take him for a while. And…" This next part was the hardest part of her confession; it was the part with the greatest amount of malice—the one that made her feel like scum. "...I didn't care if I was hurting you. As long as I had him, I didn't care about anything else."

Sakura dropped her head into her hands. She was able to cry this time, but they were meager teardrops, which made it seem like she still didn't care. But before she knew it, she felt the embrace of her friend. She returned the hug and squeezed. Ino smelled like flowers, and the scent calmed her.

While Ino was hugging her, she whispered: "That's all right."

Sakura sobbed into her friend's shoulder. "No, it's not! How is that ever okay? I didn't give a shit about you, Ino. I just saw Naruto as an object then—something that you had and I wanted. No matter how you look at it, that's wrong!"

Ino tightened the hug and while Sakura couldn't see her face, she knew she still had that mournful smile. "Probably, but I don't care about that. It's not like I never expected you to hurt me. I could probably hate you for it. Hell, it might even be my right to do so, but I've seen decisions like that destroy people. They allow them to eat at their hearts for years until they're burnt out. I'm too tired for that, honestly. Plus…" She released her hold on Sakura and took a step back. Her smile was dazzling, and Sakura wasn't ready for it. "I think it's for the best. He really loves you, you know."

Sakura wept harder and nodded her head frantically. "Yes, I do know. I always knew. And I love him, too! I really do!"

Ino laughed. The sound reminded Sakura of the sea—of the drifting, joyous surf that pooled against her toes. "Then stop being so hard on yourself, silly. Stop making yourself out to be the bad guy. You're just in love and that makes people do some crazy stuff. Sure, it doesn't excuse it, but I'm not going to hold it against you."

Sakura's gratitude soared, and she hugged Ino again. "Thank you! Oh, I'm going to miss you so much, Ino!"

Ino placed her hand on Sakura's head. "Me too. I hope it works out for you here."

"But what about you?" Sakura asked. "Where will you go from here?"

Ino shook her head. "I don't know. But wherever I do go, I'm going to try to be a little more fair to myself. I think you should do the same."

"OK," Sakura sniffled and rubbed her eyes, "I'll try."

"Good." Ino grinned and picked up her bag. "And remember that it's all right to be confused by your emotions. Just try not to give up on them. Naruto's pretty good with them, you know. You could try talking with him about them. I think he'll respond well if you do."

"All right." Now, Sakura was smiling. The rust was gone, and she felt new, as if she was clean and not tainted by the impurities. "I'll do that."

With that, Ino hugged her one final time and left. And for a long time, Sakura stood alone in a room that had never felt so empty to her before.

Naruto sat by the open window, the salt-infused air gliding through his hair. Somewhere off among the rhythms of the ocean, the twitter of a songbird welcomed him. There was a filmy mist moving across the waves and it obscured his view of the horizon. The low sun was nothing more than a muted orb shrouded by the dense fog. He took note of the silvered coastline and remembered his questions of beauty a year ago.

Back then, Naruto saw the world differently. Beauty had seemed a lot more objective to him when he was taking in the splendor of nature and how simple people had seemed to him. Meeting Sakura had initially started as something natural, and any sense of complexity hadn't surfaced yet. But now—much like the gloomy shore—Naruto found beauty in the complexities he knew of. Ino had helped with his discoveries, too, he supposed. But thinking of her still hurt; it was like picking at a scab that was surely contorting into a scar.

Now I just gotta count those scars, he thought. The better I can remember their stories, the more they'll be worth the struggle in the first place. The big scar, the one that sliced through his heart and cried his name in a motherly voice, was one he didn't have to worry about forgetting. Although, the idea of it dwindling into a gray memory scared him a little. He'd have to work on that. He'd have to work on a lot of things. But everybody's gotta do that. It's not like I'm the only one with scars. Somehow, that thought was comforting—just a little.

Sakura entered his room some time after that comforting thought. He had heard her come in, but he didn't say anything until she was sitting next to him by the window.

"It's a pretty evening, isn't it?" she commented.

"It is," he agreed. "I thought it looked sad at first."

Sakura smiled. "Yeah, that's what I meant. Sad and pretty."

"Do those two things really work together?" he asked, already expecting the answer.

She kissed his cheek and relaxed her head upon his shoulder. "Absolutely. I find the prettiest things to be really sad."

Naruto thought about that for a moment. "Are you sad, Sakura?"

She lifted her head and looked out the window when he asked that. Her pensive gaze seemed to absorb the nature of the view and elevated it somehow, for his focus was on her and only her. "I think so. Emotions are kinda hard to identify unless they're strong, you know. Like I know how I feel about you, but how I feel right now, in this exact moment, is a little hard to pinpoint."

"And how do you feel about me?"

Her eyes lowered and then rested on his face. "I love you, Naruto. I'm so drawn to you that it's almost like an entire emotion in itself. These feelings I have for you are things I've never felt before."

Naruto frowned slightly. "Is there more to it than just the feelings, then? Like are there more layers to it?"

Sakura smirked and shrugged. "You almost make it sound like it's bad to have them. I think they're necessary to understand the harder stuff, and I'm pretty sure of them. I think you can trust them."

He thought that seemed fair. Feelings weren't as capricious as people liked to see them as. They were natural and a part of life, even if they weren't very stable on their own. "I do trust them, I think," he added. "I want to, anyways."

"I'm scared of them, to be honest," Sakura admitted solemnly. He quirked an eyebrow. She noticed and continued her thought. "I'm scared they'll go away after a while. They always seem to for me."

"Why are you so hard on yourself for that?"

Sakura winced. "Isn't that obvious? It's not fair to anybody. You can't trust a person who keeps changing their mind. I don't expect anyone to like me after that, and yet here you are—completely aware of my shortcomings."

"And that's why I'm confused. You know I'm aware of them, so what's the problem?"

Sakura leaned back and sat on his bed. Her expression was troubled and as cloudy as the sea was that evening. "Because I could hurt you!" she exclaimed. "I most definitely will. There might come a day where I wake up next to you and don't feel anything, then I'll leave without a second thought. I've done it a thousand times and I feel terrible about it, but I can't help these jealous, petty feelings."

"So don't let them control you," Naruto stated simply.

Sakura gawked at him. "What?" She pressed her lips tightly. "It's not that easy…"

"Of course not. Most people can barely do it even a little, but that's part of being an adult. You're not an animal, Sakura. You're not a slave to your feelings. You have the power to control them."

Sakura clutched her hands together, as if there was throbbing pain there. "You believe in me too much. I can't do that alone."

Naruto wrapped his hands with hers. "That's why you're not alone. I need to control mine, too."

Sakura averted her eyes from him. He saw the battle raging in her. "I guess that'll work." Naruto understood it took a lot of strength for her to admit even that. He believed it would get easier. They would just keep adding strength to their bond, so even when the tough stuff came swinging, they would be ready.

"Ino came by earlier today," Sakura confessed after a pause between them.

"She did?"

Sakura sighed and messed with her hair. "Yes. It was hard to handle, but she said she was going home. We said our goodbyes and she left."

Naruto sat next to her on the bed and leaned his elbows onto his knees. "What else did she say to you?"

"She just wanted to get some closure, I think. She got vulnerable with me and asked about why I left Sasuke, and I told her. Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of the whole conversation, but she seemed at peace by the end there. I hope she found what she was looking for."

"I don't think she was looking for something," he replied. "It was more like she was trying to fill herself with something. Maybe she did get to do that; it just wasn't with what she wanted originally." Naruto could see the blonde waving at him, a large grin inviting him into the waves. "I hope she's happy now."

"She will be, I think," said Sakura. "For now, she just needs to think about everything."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "It's kind of like grieving."

Sakura held him. "How so?"

He hesitated, and she pressed her nose into his neck. "I want you to talk about your mom with me, even if it's hard."

"It's not exactly like it's hard to talk about it," he said, "it's just hard to find the right person to talk about it with. I had my own relationship with my mom and no matter what I do, no one will really ever understand it like I do. I won't know what it's like for my dad, either. He lost his wife and I can't imagine how bad his pain is. At least I have someone who can take a deeper spot in my heart than her, but my dad...he must feel so alone."

Sakura nodded. "And that's something he has to deal with. That's his burden to bear. You have your own. And I'm here to help as best I can." She caressed her cheek and kissed him.

Naruto was floating in a haze of smooth, drifting emotions. His grief, affection, and passion were all present, but they were amalgamating—sliding and easing into one another and what was left was simply a distorted mess. But underneath the gnarled confusion, he saw Sakura. She had her hand out, asking for connection. And he wasn't scared of being broken.

Sakura released the kiss. "I don't wanna ever leave you," she whispered. "When I wake up every day, I want to still love you."

Naruto looked at her, smiling as sincerely as he could. "As long as you feel that way, then we can make it work. Even if we can't, if the day comes where you've left and we both feel hollow without each other, then we'll just work with that. It'll be hard, but we can probably do it. We've made it this far."

Sakura's eyes broadened, and tears fell from them. He was mesmerized by how solid she seemed to him then—how there was so much affection in her face. They would be just fine, he surmised. They may both have hurt others and were surely going to hurt again, but they would make it.

"I'll stay with you," she promised. "I'll stay with you for as long as I can."

And that was all he needed to hear.

They kissed again and spent the night together. Outside, the mist drifted across the ocean and receded when the dawn came. When they both awoke and saw they were still together, they laughed and held one another.

The new house welcomed the morning light with glee and allowed a stray sunbeam to break through the window blinds of the bedroom.

The beam brushed his face and woke him. He sluggishly rose to a seating position and looked around the room. A friendly photo of four friends smiled back at him from atop the dresser. He was glad he had put it there; it was a wonderful thing to wake up to.

After he took note of where things were—he was still getting used to the new home—his eyes rested on her sleeping form. Her back was turned to him, and he felt himself falling into the rhythm of her breathing. Looking back on that old promise, he was content with admitting things didn't exactly get easier; no, in some ways, they even got harder. But his mind was stronger, and it could withstand more, especially with her by his side. Their combined durability had lasted this long, and it had done so because of one solid, unshakable truth.

She was still there. They both were.

THE END

When I first started this story, I was in a place where I just had to write a romantic AU story that I could relate with. I really wanted to try to express the harder, more instinctive parts I had learned from my early college days. Now that I'm done here, I think I did it, as best I could, at least. I don't think I could write a more personal story if I tried from here on out. I think writing has the potential to carry anything a person could want, and I wanted to show my own experiences and truths. Maybe that makes this story another Gary Stu or something, and that's fine with me. I don't think that's a bad thing. I did what I set out to do, and that's enough for me.

I hope the ending satisfied you. It felt right with me. I've got some other works to focus on now, so you'll see me again soon if you'll have me.

Thanks for reading. It was a lot of fun.

-CM