What Do You Get

Chapter One: Been Trying to Reach You

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Someone to hold you too close

His breath tickles her neck, warm and moist against her skin. His leg juts out from the crumpled sheet, crossing over her calf and effectively trapping her into staying still, staying in his arms. Just staying.

But that's not the smartest thing to do for a number of reasons including their newest teammate and his ability to manifest straight through walls. Natasha isn't ready for this to be a topic at the weekly Thursday breakfast meeting. (She prefers to keep Tony distracted by wreaking havoc on his kitchen- splatters in his microwave, strudel left in the toaster, coffee grounds flushed down the disposal.). She is not even sure what this is and she is not willing to discuss this with anyone. Not even him.

He asked once, because of course he did. Because it's Steve and he probably thought this- that she would send his immortal soul to the gates of hell itself. He's still a good Catholic boy at heart with a rosary that she can just make out on his dresser despite the darkness.

But he didn't say no either. Her lips never met any resistance, his fingers drew her closer everytime. He didn't say no. Not to her. Never to her.

"It is what it is," was her reply, his sweat slick chest pressing along her back. He didn't really think it could be more did he?

Because he is a good boy and she is… she is just her. We are who we are. And even these tiny flickers of happiness were more than she deserved.

"Stay." It's a command, a plea, a row of commitments tied tightly to four little letters. He moves in closer. His hand wrapping around her to cup a breast and pull her into him, pad of his thumb drawing lazy circles on a pert nipple.

He is not playing fair.

"Can't. Some sadist scheduled a five a.m. training excursion." Disengage, deflect.

"I'll make sure you are up in time," he offers. "You could just sleep, you know? I'll make sure nothing happens to you."

Dangerous words. Tempting words. And she can't. This isn't that.

It can't be that.

"Can't," she repeats, wiggling out of his too comforting grasp.

"Nat-" Something else lingers on his tongue and she silently pleas for him to keep it to himself.

Tossing on her shirt and panties, she leans over him, lips meeting lips.

"Sorry," she says.

And she really is.

But it is what it is.

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Someone to hurt you too deep…

"There is plenty of room on the jet." This is different, for them at least. Normally she runs and he chases.

Stay.

"Just because it's the path of least resistance doesn't mean it's the wrong path."

Stay.

She doesn't do this. She doesn't plea but for him, for them…

Stay.

"Staying together is more important than how we stay together."

Stay. Stay. Stay. What has is been a dozen nights? A million memories?

He can't just… he wouldn't just...

"What are we giving up to do it?" And she knows she's lost.

A pain rips through her. The same one she swore she was protecting herself from with every can't.

Maybe he sees it, maybe he knows because his voice is soft when he speaks. "Sorry, Nat. I can't sign it."

Can't.

"I know." Because she does, because she understands more than he will ever know.

Can't.

"Well, then… what are you doing here?"

"I didn't want you to be alone."

His embrace engulfs her and she lets all the other words, all the moments she wanted to stay but didn't, she lets them all die on her tongue.

Can't. Can't. Can't.

She knows goodbye when she hears it.

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Someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep.

He still calls. Of course he does. "You're alright?"

She's distracted. Her senses dulled by the blast and diluded from trying to ignore that ache in her chest.

"Yeah."

And then because she isn't sure she deserves the attention (not anymore at least). "Thanks. I got lucky."

The sirens echo in the call and she knows he is close. She turns to look but stops herself. Whatever it was is done now.

And then it hits her- he's not there for her, not really.

"I know how much Barnes means to you. I really do."

And she doesn't plea, but to keep him safe…

"Stay home. You'll only make this worse for all of us," and then as a last ditch she tacks on, "please."

"Are you saying you'll arrest me?"

And Natasha knows then. He's going rogue. That used to be her M.O. Left the KGB, left S.H.I.E.L.D., left him.

Stay.

"No." She won't and it hurts that he doesn't know that. "Someone will if you interfere. That's how it works now."

"If he's this far gone, Nat, I should be the one to bring him in."

"Why?"

She doesn't understand. She really doesn't. Six nights ago they were… what they were and now?

"Because I'm the one least likely to die trying."

Can't.

The line goes dead, her stomach turns to lead.

She is exhausted but she sighs and squares her shoulders and goes to work.

She will rest when this is done. She will rest when Steve is safe.

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To Be Continued...