If I have learned anything in my twelve years studying the rare Genus that is Uchiha (with a study focus on the one-of-a-kind Species that is Sasuke), it's this: it's all about the little things.

For example, there is a three degree difference between the arch of the "I think you're an idiot" eyebrow raise and the "I've never thought about it that way before, you just blew my mind". You are also 56 times more likely to experience the former than the latter (128 times if you're Naruto).

When asking one Sasuke Uchiha how his day was, the "absolutely terrible" sigh is .65 seconds longer than the "fine… long… exhausting", and the small sigh of contentment he releases when you start massaging the weary knots out of his shoulders is about 15 decibels quieter and four times breather than either one.

And so far I have catalogued four-hundred-ninety-two subtly different meanings for the almighty "hn". (Really there are so many nuances- for a comprehensive guide, check out my previous report, Interpreting Your Hunny's "Hn". It's rather groundbreaking.)

Yes, understanding the ever-expressive Uchiha is a skill that can be honed only through years of intense training and practice (or a couple days' worth of observation if you have a Sharingan, like some lucky bastards). However, there is one crucial component of Uchiha Interpretation that eludes so many no matter how much stalking/ogling/obsessing they do.

That's right- the art of deciphering the infamous Uchiha Silence (trademarked).

If you are woefully inept at interpreting your Uchiha's primary language, know this:

You are not alone. There is hope for you yet… read on and be enlightened.

The Science of Silence

Research and Report by Sakura Haruno

There are six types of silences that come pre-installed on your Uchiha. One only needs to wrangle their Uchiha into the proper situation in order to experience the desired silence. Here are the six, in order of most common to least (frequency of silence in parentheses):

1. Apathetic Silence (31%)

The default setting. The kind of silence that makes you wonder if he's silently judging you or if he's even listening at all. Broken by the occasional "hn". If you have ever said more than three words to an Uchiha you have most likely experienced Apathetic Silence. (Unless those three words are like "want a cookie?" or something… then you'll receive the standard "I don't like sweets". Followed by Apathetic Silence.)

Other ways to experience: rant to him about work, or your book, or Ino, or Naruto (scratch that, actually, he has plenty to say on the topic of Naruto… I try not to be envious); take him to a social gathering; go to a mission debriefing with him; introduce him to TenTen and Neji's baby (seriously, unfazed. It's uncanny- that baby is cute); spend more than five minutes in his company

Break this silence by: ask him about his day! At the very least, you'll get a "hn"... you can try to stoke the flames of conversation from there ^_^

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2. Annoyed Silence (28%)

The chosen alternative whenever Apathetic isn't quite adequate. The "I'm still the same easily-annoyed crabby brat I was when I was twelve years old, I just fool people into thinking otherwise by being less vocal about it" kind of silence. The Seven Years' silence if your name is Sakura Haruno, for if your name is Sakura Haruno then you endured this kind of silence every time you came within fifty feet of your beloved Sasuke-kun from age 8 to 15. (Looking back, I really think it's the pink hair. Drives all the boys crazy... Lil Sasucakes was just too young and emotionally stunted to know how to express it.)

Other ways to experience: make him come with you to the Yamanakas' flower shop so you can talk to Ino about various Very Important Matters for ten minutes (which of course turns into an hour… which of course turns into two); tell him how handsome he looks in his police uniform; drop the -kun from Sasuke-kun; nag him for not showing you enough affection; tell him you forgot to pick up tomatoes; tease him about that one time like six years ago when he ran away from Konoha for a week in a fit of teen angst; tease him about his hair; tease him for getting so annoyed; etc….

Break this silence by: when he's this close to the edge. I'd say the easiest way is probably to piss him off… there are many ways to send an Annoyed Uchiha over the edge, too many to be covered in this report… I say just do your best. You'll eventually set him off! Then all that's left to do is try not to look too amused. Whatever you do, SMOTHER YOUR LAUGHTER. He'll sulk for a week (see Angsty Silence)!

3. Angsty Silence (22%)

The "my-dad-likes-my-brother-better-than-me" kind of silence. The "Naruto won the sparring match today" kind of silence. The kind of silence that means extra hours on the training fields, extra trips to the store for tomatoes (comfort food), extra persuasion to get him to let you do anything for him (like heal his broken ribs for Kami's sake, the bonehead). Secretly, I like to call it "Pouty Silence".

Other ways to experience: get hit on by someone other than Naruto; make a "Your Mom" joke (not that I have ever done such a thing, I've only ever been a witness… he gets silent because he's planning the "Your Mom" jokester's slow, painful destruction, if Suigetsu is anything to go by); beat him at anything ever (the sorest of losers… really such a child); tell him that you just think Itachi looks so handsome when he rocks the manbun ("I've always loved long hair on guys like that Sasuke-kun"); tell him you call it "Pouty Silence"; and of course, fail to cover up how hilarious you think it is when he's having a hissy fit

Break this silence by: reminding him that he's your number one and the manliest of men, of course… he's needy that way, needs constant reassurance

4. Peaceful (Sleepy, Adorable) Silence (11%)

The warm and fuzzy feeling when you're half-asleep, half-awake, legs tangled under the covers, a lethargic arm draped around your waist, his slow, even breaths dancing on the back of your neck. The silence that sends all your whirly-swirly thoughts skidding to a halt in your head, so that all you're thinking about is how nice this is and how right this feels and how you'll never tell him, never tell anyone, but if you listen really really hard you can just make out his teeny-tiny little snores and the fact that Sasuke-kun snores is your secret and yours alone and you fall back asleep with the words pulsating in time with your heartbeat: mine, mine alone, mine, mine alone, mine, mine alone… you didn't know it was possible to feel this light.

Other ways to experience: tag along when he goes to visit his mom (try not to get too jealous, there's room for the both of you in his surprisingly spacious heart); let your chakra lull him into serenity as you soothe and smooth the strains and scars of the day away; watch the sunset with him from the top of Hokage Rock; if your name is Itachi Uchiha, poke his forehead when he thinks no one else is around

Break this silence by: squealing from your spot in the shadows over how cute the Uchiha brother secret bromance is! The atmosphere goes from Peaceful to Pouty to Annoyed to "Sakura what the hell are you doing here" real quick… (the more aggressive, the more embarrassed he is, so of course this just prompts more squeals- he is such a tsundere!)

5. Sexually Frustrated (Horny) Silence (6%)

The weeklong "sorry Sasuke-kun it's that time of the month again" kind of silence. The kind of silence when you walk into the kitchen for breakfast wearing nothing but his t-shirt and he's already sitting at the counter looking at you like he wants to have you for breakfast but you have to leave now seriously right now because Kami is that the time you're already an hour late for your shift.

Other ways to experience: wear the red dress (you know, the one that made his eyes bulge almost as big as his pants when you walked out of the dressing room at the store) to Team 7's weekly Ichiraku date; make him sit through a three hour jazz concert (jazz music is orgasmusic, apparently); have Lee obliviously interrupt sexytime with some dramatic proclamation about youth and beauty and the almighty YOSH! (it happens far more than one would ever reasonably expect); tell him you're too tired and then see how long you can bask in the glorious glow of his wounded man-pride before you cave and jump his bones

Break this Silence by: ummmm hello… jump his bones! One hundred percent success rate.

6. Sweet Silence (1.97%)

The kind of silence that makes your heart melt. The kind of silence that means no comments on your ugly-crying when you make him watch a chick flick with you- just a tissue box shoved in your face and a shoulder to bury your face in and, if you're lucky and the movie hasn't put him half to sleep, an arm securely snuggling you to his side and feather-light fingers soothingly stroking your hair.

Occasionally, if you run out of tissues and blow your nose on his shirt, you might experience Super-Sweet Silence... although this is a rare occurrence, as the aforementioned action runs the unfortunate risk of turning Sweet Silence into Annoyed Silence; regardless, it is a scientifically-proven, wholly-effective way to get him to take his shirt off.

Other ways to experience: put a lot of effort into baking him something he doesn't like; fart on your first date while he's walking you home (because you're nervous and that extra slice of four-cheese pizza was not a good idea and he so heard you because you're all alone on this deserted street and you're all alone on this deserted street and he's walking you home and oh Kami your stomach needs to calm down right now the pizza was nOT A GOOD idEA); finish your five hundred laps around the training fields two minutes and thirty-three seconds after him (but still faster than Naruto who got sidetracked somewhere along the way and is probably off eating ramen or saving the world right now or something)

Break this silence by: "I love you" gets the job done every time. It's statistically impossible to experience the Uchiha Sweet Silence without feeling the irrepressible urge to tell him you love him, anyways… hearing the words mumbled back to you is just an unexpected, unprecedented, earth-shattering, heart-palpitating, chest-tightening, world-rightening side-effect. Every time.

Special Cases:

Taking into account that Sasuke Uchiha is (contrary to popular belief) a real, living, breathing flesh-and-blood, not-completely-cold-and-unfeeling human, he occasionally is inclined to surprise you by exhibiting the kind of nonverbal emotion that doesn't fall under one of the aforementioned categories.

'Occasionally' is used very generously here.

Rarely.

Exceedingly rarely.

Look at the frequency percentile, people! This is backed up with stats!

That being said, these Other silences are worth a mention. So-

7. Other (.03%)

The turn-your-world-upside-down kind of silence.. The kind of silence that has you questioning and doubting and regretting and overthinking faster than Naruto can down a bowl of ramen. The kind of silence that is a reminder… that no matter how well you think you know your Uchiha, they are still capable of surprising you. Terrifyingly so.

Ways to experience? Hell if I know. If you're not blindsided, you're not experiencing an Other Silence.

That's not to say I can't provide an example. And that's not to say that your living, breathing Uchiha defies science.

If you really, really desperately want to experience this kind of soul-sucking silence, then read you listen to what I say, then you might just survive it. This isn't just me instructing you now. This is veritable truth, facts and statistics. This is the official procedure. This is science.

A way to experience: Wait until you've had a long, fulfilling day of work, saving lives and performing other menial tasks, and you arrive home intent on nothing but a warm shower and bed. When you find him sitting on the couch, waiting, watching, warming your blood, don't jump. Sit down next to him. Ask him about his day. Rant to him about yours. Lay your head on his shoulder. Feel his hand wrap around your own. Realize all you've ever wanted is right here, right now. When you do, try not to think about how deliriously happy you are. It will make you brave. It will make you bold.

When you ignore this advice and decide to say something crazy- you know, just for the heck of it, just for fun- like, say, oh I don't know, "why don't we get married" or something- just a hypothetical, of course, speaking completely hypothetically here- and your Uchiha counterpart doesn't respond, just bores those obsidian whirlpools he calls eyes into yours for so long you run the risk of drowning in them (we're talking struggled breathing and all), don't panic.

Wait a few moments. Try not to look too nervous. Take some deep breaths. One. Two. Three. Thirty-seven. Sixty-four.

Don't let your cheeks color scarlet, don't regret the words the moment they slip out of your mile-a-minute mouth, don't wait for his answer with baited breath. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait- but don't freak out! And when you reach deep breath number, oh, I'd estimate five million or so, don't let your panicked, inner mortification try to play off your hypothetical, completely hypothetical! proposal of marriage/offering of your soul as a joke.

Definitely don't let yourself issue an overwrought, probably deranged-sounding laugh.

Don't lose your mind. Don't rethink every choice you've ever made. Every second you've ever spent with him. Everything you've ever known.

Don't worry. His silence isn't the end of the world. It's not sentencing- not the be-all-and-end-all, not handing down a verdict. It's not like you've thought about this moment every day for the past ten years of your life. It's not- it's not slowly squeezing the breath out of your lungs, or forcing you to wage a silent battle with your traitorous tear glands, or erasing all other words from your mind but "he doesn't want to marry me he doesn't want to marry me he doesn't want to marry me" for the rest of all time- over and over, ceaselessly, the endless, most devastating cacophony of heartbreak the world has ever seen- it's- it's not... surprising.

It's scientific.

Now, let's look at this instance with our science goggles on, shall we?

The traditional equation for any given marriage proposal goes like this:

Boy's heartfelt, bumbling, emotionally articulate proposal to girl PLUS girl's immediate over-the-moon response equals happily ever after.

A nice equation. Tried and true.

(Personally a bit of an overrated equation if you ask me, but who am I to argue with science?)

Now, if we rework the equation to account for our… unique variables (aka beautiful, socially inept boy and average, masochistic happily-ever-after seeking girl), you end up with a system of equations that looks like this:

Boy's lack of initiative and trouble when it comes to enunciating matters of the heart equals Girl's completely-hypothetical-(not-really-hypothetical), totally joking (not-necessarily-joking) proposal of marriage PLUS boy's failure to say a single word in response MULTIPLIED by boy's smoldering, paralyzing, omniscient gaze equals girl's near-undeniable impulse to run away as far and fast as she can and never mention the incident again. To anyone. Ever. Not even herself.

This impulse DIVIDED by Girl's inability to move (smoldering, paralyzing gaze multiplied by fear of trying and failing to stand and instead falling to the floor shattered into a million pieces) equals heart-wrenching, cacophonous silence.

Are you following so far?

Alright, now let's break this silence down before we continue our figuring.

Heart-wrenching, cacophonous silence equals Girl's silly, silly, if-only-it-were-hypothetical proposal multiplied by Boy's inner (we're talking way way way way way down deep inner, because all Uchihas have mastered the enviable art of never-ever-showing-any-emotion-on-your-face-ever) turmoil.

(Inner turmoil equals 'did she just say that' plus 'did I hear her wrong' plus 'was she just joking' plus 'how did she know' plus 'is this really it' raised to the power of 'shit she's going to cry'.)

Break this silence by backtracking like your life depends on it, praying to all the gods and ghosts of Uchihas past to rewind time, deluding yourself into thinkin you can somehow convince those all-knowing eyes of his this was all a (hypothetical! Just a really really funny hypothetical) joke.

A deep breath in. A shaky breath out. A five-shades-too-bright smile plastered on your face like a circus mask. A five-shades-too-tight laugh huffed out of your lungs like a dying breath. "Sasuke-kun, I'm just-"

That's when he'll leave. Just up and walk away, walk slowly and surely, so excruciatingly assuredly, back to your room- your room, yours and his- without a glance black.

Try not to watch. Try not to feel like you're going to die. Try not to feel like the world is ending because this silence doesn't fall into one of the six pre-installed categories and because he doesn't love me he doesn't love me he's never loved me.

Don't panic!

Don't send your chakra spilling into the empty cavity in your chest, painfully aware that it will do nothing to correct the sudden all-consuming emptiness but desperate enough to try.

Don't do it. Just… take some deep breaths. One. Two. Three. Thirty-seven. Sixty-four.

Take it from the expert, take it from someone who knows…

He comes back.

He gets down on one knee.

He pulls out the little black box that's been tucked away in the recesses of some drawer in your room for Kami knows how long. And when you realize that it was in your room, it's been there under your very nose the whole time, that empty cavity in your chest will somehow suddenly feel so full you fear that it's going to burst.

He still doesn't say anything.

It's not because he's Angsty, or Apathetic, or (Kami forbid) annoyed. It's not because he doesn't care. It's not even really because he's an Uchiha.

It's part of the equation. You see, when Girl knows Boy better than anyone else does in the whole world (maybe even well enough to write a report or two about him... or something)... when Girl knows how Boy is feeling without Boy even having to open his mouth… then what is there to for him to say that she doesn't already know?

Besides, he was the one who asked the silent question.

The Silent Equation… you want to know the solution, don't you? Make your hypothesis now. There is only one possible answer.

It's the easiest equation in the world.

Heart-racing, emotional-whiplash-inducing, heart-wrenching, cacophonous silence plus little diamond ring inside of little black box multiplied by twelve (twelve years of study, twelve years of Sasuke) equals

(did you do the math?)

(do you see the science?)

(do you understand?)

(you see, all the drama, all the adding multiplying dividing, it's all very simple in the end.)

(how could it equal anything else?)

"Yes."

It'd be nice if I could end it there, wouldn't it?

But this is a scientific report. And we have a question to answer. .

What does yes mean? Quantifiably?

Since we're talking math here, and I'm all math'd out for a day or two or even a lifetime, I'll put it for you plain and simple. To find the answer, all you have to do is take the square root.

The square root of yes?

Easy.

It equals infinity.

(Infinity? What does infinity mean?)

Simple.

It means forever.

Author Bio: Sakura Haruno has spent most of her life decoding the confusing, mixed-signal-filled, once-thought-dead language that is Uchiha. Her and her husband, Sasuke Uchiha, live in the Uchiha District of Konohagakure, and are expecting their first child, a girl to be named Sarada. (You can imagine the silence that abounded when she broke that news…) She dedicates this report to her husband, for only pouting a little over this report's publication- and for being her own unquantifiable piece of forever.