Author's Note: Look at that! Another new story that I most likely won't finish! The Lesbian Fetish of Haruhi Suzumiya has been something I've long been interested in writing, but only recently after re-reading Tea of Sagittarius have I actually gotten around to writing this. Please note that I do not own any characters or plots in the Haruhi Suzumiya series, nor am I looking to make any money off of this. On a side note, some follows, favorites, and any and all reviews would definitely be appreciated.

Pairings: Fem!Kyon x Harem, with absolutely everyone being girls and Haruhi, of course, being the alpha of the harem.

Chapter 1: Welcome to Womanhood

There's a lot of insanity that I can deal with in my daily life. Send relievingly reliable aliens, ridiculously cute time travelers, and questionably sexually oriented espers my way? Piece of cake. Force me to play a game of baseball, the results of which could cause the total destruction of the entire universe, with said aliens, time travelers, and questionably sexually oriented espers? Why the hell not.

But rip me out of my body, change said body into something it was never, ever meant to be, and then thrust me unceremoniously back into it, all the while remaining mentally the same as I was before?

...Let me get back to you on that one.

Waking up that morning, I didn't immediately notice anything was out of the ordinary. Looking back on things, I definitely should have picked up on at least several clues. First of all, everything was about one or two full heads taller on me than it had been the previous night. Secondly, I woke up with long hair in my face, soft and frizzled (I blearily brushed this aside without a second thought). Thirdly, there was a strangely tight feeling in my chest, along with a disturbingly empty feeling between my legs.

So why didn't I pick up on that?

First of all, when I woke up that morning, it was about six thirty. I was exhausted from a sleepless night of coming home late from classic Haruhi expeditions of randomness. We also had a math test coming up in school that I'd been studying my brains out for, leaving my mind more than a bit fried. So perhaps it was a mixture of brain death on account of studying, along with average early morning grogginess, that caused me to be so unaware of my own body.

Whatever the case, I rolled out of bed none the wiser to my sudden predicament. I stumbled across the bedroom in an oscillating path to the bathroom, rubbing my tired eyes.

"Damn insomnia," I grumbled, glancing at the clock and deflating when I realized what ungodly hour it was. "I still have another full hour before I have to really awake..."

There was another clue that should have tipped me off: I usually did not sound like some mangled form of Haruhi and Nagato-san.

I maneuvered into the bathroom, fumbling up to the sink and shakily reaching for a toothbrush. Did I always have to reach that far to select one? The thought crossed my sleep deprived mind momentarily, before I carelessly shook it away. I didn't have the energy to worry about things like the length of my arms. Brush teeth now, test arm length later.

This normally would be the spot where you'd expect me to look in the mirror and freak out.

I looked in the mirror.

I didn't freak out.

Thinking about it, this was most likely for two reasons I could think of: One, my mind was simply too tired at that point to process the decidedly different person standing in said mirror. Two: My eyesight was still blurry enough from sleeping that I couldn't fully make out my reflection. Honestly, most of the things I'd done since waking up had been done on auto-pilot. I was able to do them without really paying attention to anything, as tired as I was, simply because I'd been doing them all my life.

Whatever the case, I didn't realize I'd gotten a new body upon looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth.

No, it was only after I'd spat out my toothpaste, rinsed my mouth out, washed and dried my hands, then stumbled to my clothes closet that I started to make any connections.

Because one thing was for absolute certain...

I most certainly did not own any female North High uniforms, nor did I own any dresses of any sort.

I stood gaping at my closet like a fish.

"...What the hell kinda prank is this?" I sighed, and immediately froze.

Wait. Since when had my voice rose several decibels?

I looked down, my mind starting to go on the fritz. High voice, wrong wardrobe, and... who the hell put these pink pajamas on me? Truly worried now, I tore off my pajama top. It twirled through the air and landed thoughtlessly several meters away.

And then I sighed a little breath of relief. No big, gravity-defying breasts popped out. So I hadn't been cast as the leading role in some perverted anime/manga/fanfiction after all... A breeze blew between my legs as a result of my overhead fan, and I froze. Since when had my crotch become so... empty?

I hastily stepped out of the pink pajama pants and kicked them over to their counterpart. My underwear (since when the hell did I wear lacy panties instead of boxer briefs!?) went with them.

Just like with the shirt, nothing hung out.

Unlike with the shirt, this wasn't the least bit comforting.

"No, no, no, no, no," I murmured in complete denial, my brain threatening to shut down from shock. As though hit by a really powerful punch, I reeled backward, my head spinning. Completely awake now, I rushed back to my bathroom and to my mirror, taking stock now of how I seemed to have shrunk overnight as well as lost my dick.

I skidded to a halt before the mirror, and felt something break inside me.

Staring back at me was not the tall man with the handsome, square face and broad shoulders. In his place stood an admittedly cute girl, her head heart-shaped and her hair, the same rich brown as mine, flowing down her back. I had the fleeting thought it would look much better in a ponytail. She stood approximately a foot shorter than I did. Her brown eyes blinked in shock, her hand stretching out hesitantly to the mirror and touching it - -

No, that was my hand. I felt the cold mirror, and glanced around the bathroom, hoping despairingly that perhaps, somehow, there was someone else with me. Because this person... this... this girl couldn't possibly be me!

And yet all signs pointed to that.

Sadly, despite my hopes, I was alone in the bathroom.

How... why... who...

No, scratch that, the who is obvious. The only two people I'm aware of who can change reality at will are Yuki Nagato and Haruhi Suzumiya, the former exceedingly unlikely to do so unless something was drastically wrong. That, of course, left Haruhi Suzumiya, the founder of our club - - the SOS Brigade. She'd been known to unconsciously overwrite history before, and even trap time in an endless loop for 15,000 weeks, so it was by no means a far stretch to assume Haruhi was the unknowing perpetrator behind this incident. In fact, it was almost a given. Over the course of the past year or so, I'd come to determine that when weird shit happens, Haruhi is to blame.

So that answered the who (Haruhi) and the how (again, this can be boiled down to simply Haruhi).

Then why? What crazy incident had made her want me to become a girl?

With what little sanity I had left, I staggered back into my room, searched for my cellphone, and called one of my friends - - Koizumi Itsuki.

The phone rang for a minute. "Come on, come on, Koizumi," I begged, pacing anxiously about the room. My long hair (I really should learn how to tie it in a ponytail... oh, gosh, did I really just think that?) fell in my face at random intervals. I kept having to brush it aside exasperatedly. "Please, oh please, be awake. If you pick up I swear I'll let you get as close to my face as you want! Within reason!"

On cue, the ringing abruptly stopped and Koizumi's tired voice filtered through the line. It irked me to hear that even exhausted, he still managed to sound ridiculously cheerful. "Good morning, Kyon-kun," he said politely. I could hear his smile through the cell phone. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this literal wake-up call?"

"Oh, thank God, you're awake!" I gasped, plopping down to my bed in relief.

He sounded amused, his voice having risen in pitch by a degree or so. "I didn't know you cared so much about my timeliness, Kyon-kun. I'm flattered!"

"Wait, what? No, it's not about that. Please, you've gotta tell me, has the Organization noticed any informational discrepancies between now and..." I paused, trying to remember about what time I'd fallen asleep. "Um, I'd say about eleven-thirty?"

"The Organization?" Koizumi sounded genuinely curious now. "If they have, I'm not aware of it, no. I only just woke up myself due to your call."

I blushed a little at that, ashamed at having roused him from his slumber. "Um... sorry."

"Also, your voice sounds rather high-pitched. Are you feeling alright? Haruhi will be upset if you've caught a cold."

"Um... actually, I'm kind of calling about that. Just... can you please contact the Organization and call me back when you get some results?"

"Sure thing, Kyon - - wait - -"

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" I gasped, and my finger was just descending on the end call button when I heard a surprised, and disturbingly effeminite shout of, "EHHHHHHHHH!" from the other end of the line.

I blinked.

Well, it sounded like I, at least, was not alone in my gender bending.

I shuddered at the thought of a girl Koizumi. That was just scary.

As it turns out, I never did get that call-back from Koizumi. I fretted about it from about a quarter til seven to eight, at which point my sister (oh, thank the Lord she hadn't become my brother) burst into my room. Enter class five hurricane, code name Little Sister.

"KYONKO, YOU'RE GONNA BE LAAAA - -" My sister, an American missile, launched into me faster than a speeding lion, the introduction of my stomach to her face cutting her off mid-shout. We both tumbled over dizzily; I was unused to distributing my weight properly with this new, female body to remain standing after attacks like that. She popped to her feet while I lay groaning on the floor. "Oh," she said, tilting her head. "You're awake."

"You almost made it so I wasn't anymore!" I barked, head spinning as a result of Hurricane Sister.

This only caused the sickeningly adorable runt to giggle uncontrollably. "Ah, but Kyonko-chan, your school starts in half an hour, you know...!"

"Half an hour...? Oh, shit, it's that time already!?" Panicked, I scrambled to my feet and dashed to my closet, searching for something I could easily put on. I remained bare naked as a result of having taken my clothes off to be sure of my transformed body earlier. Then I paused, glancing down at my sister, who was much closer to eye level with me now. "Wait a minute, what did you just call me?"

"Kyonko-chan," she said, tilting her head in unmistakable confusion.

I stared. "...Not Kyon?"

"Kyon? Who's that? You've always been Kyonko-chan to me, big sis!"

...Okay, so to my family, I've always been a girl, if the new nickname and my little sister's complete non-reaction to my feminine body were anything to go by. My eye twitched. While this somehow felt insulting, at least I didn't have to explain my sudden gender change to them. That being said, it would also seem that not everyone remembered me as always being a girl. Koizumi had answered with my old nickname of Kyon, not Kyonko, and had also been confused at the highness of my voice. Extrapolating on that, I could safely guess that the rest of the SOS Brigade members, with the likely exception of Haruhi herself, also remembered male Kyon. It was then safe to assume that everyone else's memories of me had been replaced with the female me instead of... well, me.

"Kyonko-chan, you're spacing out," sighed my little sister with a fond giggle, and she darted out of my room before I could properly noogie her.

Getting ready for the day turned out to be a much larger hassle than it normally was. There were several key factors for this. First, I had a mere fifteen minutes to get out the door and begin the ungodly trek up the so-called 'hill' (read: Mountain) that North High sat at the top of. The walk itself normally took another fifteen, which was why even though school started in half an hour, I only had that little amount of time to get ready. Secondly, as I quickly came to understand, I had absolutely no idea how to put on anything girl-related. I had as much trouble putting on the bra I found in my underwear drawer (regardless of the fact that female me had a sadly undeveloped chest, and didn't really need a bra one in the first place) as a toddler learning to tie his shoes. Make up was absolutely alien to me, and lord knows how anyone ties a schoolgirl's bow tie.

Add to that the fact that I had to prepare both a snap lunch and breakfast for myself, and you had the ultimate recipe for disaster.

8:20 found me rushing as fast out the door as humanly possible, tripping over myself the whole way due to my new and unfamiliar center of gravity. It was a miracle I didn't simply sprawl out in the middle of the street. Luckily, my female body was as accustomed to the long trek up our infamous hill as I was before. This meant my legs weren't wobbling noodles by the time I finally reached the top. Nearly everyone else was already in the building or in class; I hadn't passed a single soul the entire way up the hill.

I dashed across the school grounds in my continued race against time to successfully enter the classroom before the Late Bell rang. Bento box clutched tight in my hand, backpack bouncing on my back, I pushed open the doors to North High even as I swallowed the last bits of my buttered toast. I powered over to the stairwell, my legs pumping like pistons as I cleared the flight and raced down the hall. I had a minute left now; only time and my own speed could dictate whether I made it now or not.

With mere seconds left on the clock, I flung the door to my classroom open and rushed to the second seat to the back against the far window.

I slid into it, my classmates staring at me and giggling to themselves, just as the bell rang and class began.

I let out a sigh of relief. Made it.

"Geez, there you are, Kyonko!" a very familiar voice said from behind me. Only one person I knew sounded that stuck-up and confident in themselves - - Haruhi Suzumiya, the girl who made me like this whether she knew it or not. Before I quite knew what was happening, her hand found purchase on my long hair, and she pulled it back. This resulted in the back of my head slamming painfully into the front of her desk. She said, "And hey, what's up with you not wearing a ponytail? I thought I told you, if you don't wear it, it's the death penalty!"

I yelped in pain from the sudden impact. "Ow! Haruhi, watch the hair! And we'll speak later, okay?"

"What!? Why!? Ponytails are of the utmost importance! 'Ponytails wait for no man,' as the old saying goes!"

First of all, that's time, and second of all, trust me, I want to have some serious words with you myself.

"Well..." I said, and motioned to the rest of the room. Haruhi followed my direction, gazing curiously at our classmates. They were all staring at us, even Okabe-sensei. Although something about the scene felt off to me... wait...

As I looked out over the class alongside Haruhi, my jaw dropped.

Every single person was a girl. Everyone. Okabe-sensei, Kunikida - - heck, even that perv Taniguchi sported a pair of knockers and a girl's uniform! Although in the case of Okabe-sensei the latter was more of a surprisingly tasteful casual dress.

I couldn't help but stare in disbelief.

Haruhi.

What the actual hell did you do?

Unable to compute any more weirdness for the time being, my brain finally stopped working. Cue knock out, as well as me face-planting into the floor.

I woke up to the largely unwelcome sight of Koizumi grinning, inches away from my face.

"Too close," I deadpanned on reflex, casually pushing the bastard away. When I could properly see my surroundings again, I realized several things. First of all, I was laying in a bed in the hospital wing. Secondly, I was still a girl. Damn. That hadn't all been some crazy-ass dream.

The last realization only came upon taking a second look at Koizumi.

"Hello," said a beautiful girl with a softer, more effeminite version of my esper friend's face. "It's good to see you're finally awake. Suzumiya-san was worried sick about you, and hardly left your side all morning until I convinced her I could take watch, and that she should return to class."

I shook my head, blinking in disbelief. "K-Koizumi?"

"That's correct."

I studied the girl more closely. She really was very well built for a girl - - she was short, but not too short, with shapely legs that were well-toned and athletic. Her hair was short and somewhat uneven, though in a cute sort of manner. Her face was round, her nose dainty and her eyes a beautiful shade of hazel. And most noticeable, she had all the right curves in all the right places. As I stared at her, something remotely familiar and yet utterly foreign rose in my gate, causing my arm to shake.

"Y-You're Koizumi?" I spat, surprised at the hint of jealousy in my voice.

She nodded. "Once again, that's correct. Are you feeling alright, Kyon...-ko-chan?"

"B-But you're... so..." I hesitated, unable to picture this girl and the ever-smiling, exasperating teen I knew as one and the same. "So... b-beautiful..."

I thought I detected the faintest traces of a blush on the girl-Koizumi's cheeks, but it was gone almost as soon as it appeared. "I assume by the jealous and surprised tone of your voice, as well as your panicked call earlier this morning, I have not always been like this in your memories. Is this not the case?"

"Y-Yeah..."

Koizumi's grin widened, if that was possible at all. I stared jealously, at the same time hating myself for being jealous. Just what were these damn feelings? Was I really jealous of the esper's admittedly huge bust? Stupid female hormones, messing with my body...

"It's perfectly reasonable for you to feel that way," said the beautiful bastard pleasantly. "It is only natural, after all, for you to feel inferior given your new body's feelings."

I glared at him - - her - - argh, whatever! This is confusing! I snapped, "Oh, so are you saying you're prettier than me or something?"

"Not at all, Kyonko-chan."

Please don't call me that. That's even worse than my old nickname. And wait, why the heck am I worried about Koizumi's looks? I don't care about being pretty or cute or sexy. I'm a guy, dammit!

"Just... just get on with the damn explanation," I sighed, rubbing my temple.

"I contacted the Organization as you requested, after you hung up," said Koizumi. "It would seem that there has been a rather large informational discrepancy, as you put it earlier, last night at around midnight. We were unable to determine the cause of it, although the results have been fully calculated, or at least to as far as we could. I would rather explain things to the rest of the Brigade this evening, though, if it's of no difference to you - - it would be far easier to say it once with everyone present."

I hesitated. Okay. That at least made sense to me. I still didn't know why my body was that of a girl's, though, and that irked me.

"Alright. My last question, then. Just what exactly am I doing in the hospital wing?"

Koizumi smiled that annoyingly beautiful smile of his - - er, hers. "That's far easier to explain. According to Suzumiya-san, while she was talking with you in first period today, you suddenly fainted. She got permission to bring you here herself from Okabe-sensei, and carried you here to this bed, where you have been resting until just now. I am not certain, but due to the nature of this day, I believe the cause of your fainting to be the shock of not only switching genders yourself, but seeing all of your classmates as girls."

I sat back in the hospital wing's bed, thinking. I'd never actually had a reason to use one of these before. It was surprisingly comfortable.

I needed a moment to straighten this crazy stuff out.

I woke up as a girl. Koizumi also woke up as a girl, and this version of him/her was just as terrifying as I thought it would be. We both retained all our memories of our lives as males, yet inexplicably everyone else apparently remembered us as being the way we are now. Situation is fucked up, so situation is normal. Haruhi is no doubt the root of this problem, as per usual.

I sighed miserably. Why, oh, why had I ever asked her about the patterns of her hair styles?

It was a long wait for school to end. Due to the fact that I still felt dizzy after passing out earlier, the school nurse made me stay in the hospital wing all day. I sat idly watching anime and live-action shows on the TV in the wing, until the end-of-the-day bell rang and classes were dismissed. Someone (presumably Haruhi) had grabbed my bento box and brought it in the wing for me while I was unconscious, so I was able to eat that while I waited.

I hustled out of the door, shouting a hasty goodbye to the school nurse (what was her name again? I always forgot) and quickly making my way for the club room.

Along the way, I saw not one male in the entire school. Everyone were girls, even the ones who I couldn't recognize as being members of North High. Presumably, this group would be genderbent males, if what I'd seen in my class had affected the entire school as well. Greatly worried, I finally found my way to the Old Building, up to the top floor, and into the former Literature Club Room.

By some stroke of luck, Haruhi herself was not here yet. I don't think I could've quite controlled myself if she had been.

Instead, everyone else was - - Yuki, my own goddess, Mikuru, and Koizumi. Yuki and Mikuru were exactly the same as ever, but the female Koizumi looked jarring sitting there in her girl's uniform. She'd already gotten a board game out for us to play. Strange. I'd thought it was my turn to pick today, but whatever. Just do what you want, Koizumi...

"Waaaaah! Kyon! Is that you? You look so adorable!"

It was Mikuru, my heaven-sent savior and my reason for existing on this cruel earth. Upon hearing me enter the club room, she'd looked up from the tea she was brewing and ran to greet me, breasts bouncing the whole way. Had Haruhi made her not wear her bra again? I shook my head before I could start fantasizing, and sighed wearily.

I blushed madly. Did Asahina-senpai really think I was cute? And wait, why the heck did I care, anyway!? I'm a guy! "Yeah, it's me. Apparently I'm Kyonko in whatever crazy version of our world we're in, though, so it may be better for you to call me that for the time being."

"Eh? Really?"

I sighed, hating it even as I suggested it. "Yeah, go ahead. Some people might get weirded out if you started calling me Kyon instead."

Yuki looked up from her book and stared at me blankly. I hesitated, wondering what she was thinking. With the purple-haired alien, it was impossible to tell. She could be imagining an exciting sky dive or a walk in the park; her face remained so decisively similar all the time that either was just as plausible.

At last, the young woman spoke. "According to human feelings and definitions of 'cute,' you may be described as such."

Whoa. I hadn't imagined Yuki was capable of even having thoughts like that. Emotions and Nagato-sans don't tend to mix often.

Koizumi chuckled lightly to herself. "I must say, that blush really is quite pleasing to see. In any case, now that we're all here, why don't you all take a seat at the table with me? I'd like to explain exactly what happened, to the best of my abilities. Nagato-san, would you mind helping me fill in those parts the Organization is not aware of?"

A short pause. "That would be acceptable," said Yuki, returning to her book. She didn't take a seat, though.

I slid into a seat across from Koizumi. There was absolutely no way I was sitting next to him - - her - - while I was a girl. I hadn't fully trusted her even when I'd been a boy, and now that I was a girl, I was nowhere near okay with the brunette getting close to me. What would she try to do to my cute, adorable self? Knowing Koizumi, anything was possible, really, and I shuddered to think about it.

"I'll sit down once the tea's ready," said Mikuru, heading back to the somewhat steaming kettle. "It should be done soon. I'll still be listening, though, so go ahead, Itsuki-san."

"Asahina-senpai, you're an angel," I sighed pleasantly, images dancing through my mind of Asahina with wings, flying gracefully through the sky.

She blushed an adorable shade of red. "U-u-um, t-thank you, Kyonko-chan!"

Koizumi clapped his hands together, drawing everyone's attention to him. "All right, now that everyone's here and ready to pay attention, allow me to explain these circumstances we've found ourselves in. I'm sure you all have noticed how, sometime between this morning and last night, every boy who attended North High has become a girl?"

"Yeah," I piped in, frowning. "Just what the hell's up with that, anyway?"

"It would seem that our Haruhi has been experiencing some sort of problem which led to her desiring to live in a world where North High is an all girl's school. Moreover, it appears that everyone in this school also had their sexual orientations transformed to being lesbians."

Mikuru blushed again and stared at the tea kettle awkwardly.

"Y-Yes, that seems to be t-true," she murmured, fiddling with the handle awkwardly. "E-Earlier today, I noticed Tsuruya-chan acting strangely... c-close to me, and g-grabby... like how Haruhi usually is." My cheeks burned. "I also felt rather strange around her, and I got scared so I... I ran out of the room."

Dammit, Haruhi! How dare you mess with my one true love, Mikuru's, emotions in such a lewd manner! You should be ashamed of yourself!

"I, too, have had unusually high readings of endorphin levels," added Yuki without looking up from her book. "When we were gathered for lunch break, earlier, my body gave off data readings which the Data Overmind Human Interface interpreted as being akin to the human emotion of being in love. This occurred when I was in close proximity to..." She paused a moment, and I stared, wide-eyed. Was Yuki, of all people, embarrassed? "...In close proximity to Haruhi Suzumiya. I also felt an urge to visit you in the hospital wing, Kyonko, while you remained unconscious. There, the same data readings arose from my body as with Haruhi Suzumiya. They also are being given off at this moment."

My cheeks burned even hotter. Unless I was just being stupid, and maybe a little perverted, had Yuki just told me that she had a crush on both Haruhi and me?

"Furthermore," continued Yuki, with the same blank expression, "the Data Overmind Human Interface observed your heart beating quicker and your endorphin levels rising when you laid eyes on Haruhi Suzumiya, Kyonko. In direct correlation, Haruhi also displayed these symptoms."

I couldn't have been more embarrassed if Haruhi had just kissed me in front of the whole class. "Wait, say what now?"

"To put it shortly," Koizumi summarized thoughtfully, "it would seem that in this new world, you are head-over-heels for our charming Chief, and likewise, she is head-over-heels for you. And unless I was mistaken, I believe I over heard your dear friends... Taniguchi-kun and Kunikida-kun, are they not?... discussing a relationship you had with Haruhi."

Me... and Haruhi... together? And not only dating, but lesbian dating?

What the hell?

The water in the tea kettle started whistling, and our lovely local beauty immediately turned the heat off and went to work preparing the actual tea itself.

"U-Um, correct me if I'm wrong," Mikuru spoke up, nervously glancing between Koizumi and I, and then to the kettle, and back, "but does this mean that in this timeline..." The redheaded beauty faltered. "S-Suzumiya-san and Kyonko-chan... are g-girlfriends?"

"That is correct," came her answer in the form of Yuki Nagato.

My jaw dropped. "EHHHHHH!?"

I'm dating Haruhi... I'm dating Haruhi and we're both girls, I thought, reeling. Seriously, just what the fuck has Haruhi gotten everyone into this time?

"According to my contacts within the Organization," explained Koizumi, linking his hands together, "a major shift happened in our universe at around midnight last night. Would you happen to know the cause of this shift, Nagato-san?"

Yuki nodded slowly. "An explosion of data burst from Suzumiya-san at exactly 12:15 this morning. She had been having mixed feelings on her sexual orientation. Her mind had decided she loved girls, yet her body still desired Kyon. Unable to handle both feelings at the same time, she created a world in which she could satisfy both of her decisions."

"... Oh," I managed, gaping.

"So basically, Haruhi was lesbian yet liked Kyon, and unable to take this, she transformed North High into a lesbian, all girl's school," Koizumi concluded.

That... is kind of fucked up.

It would've been nice if we had been able to continue talking about it. It was obvious from their eyes that both Yuki and Koizumi had more to say about it. But, of course, Haruhi chose that moment to come storming happily into the club room, an unbreakable grin stretching across her face, and her eyes flashing evilly. In her hands she clutched a pink plastic bag, the contents of which I couldn't, nor did I want to, imagine.

"HEY, YOU GUYS!" she bellowed cheerfully, swinging her luggage out in front of her for us to look at. "Sorry I'm late - - since Kyonko-chan decided to be so naughty and faint in class, I thought I would go on a punishment shopping spree for her! Take a look at this!"

Haruhi, just that statement alone tells me you're up to no good.

Against our better will, we all watched as Haruhi reached slowly, tantalizingly into the bag, then began to draw whatever was in it... out.

The bag dropped to the floor, and we all stared at what had previously been its contents.

It was a bunny suit.

A playboy bunny suit.

My eye twitched in abstract horror. Well... I am officially fucked.