A/N: Lol, whoops, I forgot to work on this for a long time. But then I was listening to the magic story podcast about vampires this morning and I really loved the wallflower pun that Alison Luhrs made and I wanted to write a chapter about it. "It," specifically, being the pun. So here. Here is an entire chapter about a Sorin pun from one of the MTG podcasts.

Being stuck in a wall was downright awful. It was uncomfortable. It was humiliating. And it was boring.

For fuck's sake – boring? That was what was wrong with being stuck in a wall? He was starting to sound like Olivia. And that. That was truly awful.

Sorin grit his teeth and for the thousandth time attempted to wiggle. For the thousandth time, he failed miserably. He could twitch his fingertips and move his mouth and that was it. Something about the stone disrupted his ability to draw on the energy of the plane, much less planeswalk out of his predicament.

Nahiri had thought of everything.

He needed a plan.

This revelation was nothing new. He'd known he'd needed a plan since Olivia and her vampires floated away, abandoning him. How long ago had that been? Days? Weeks? A month? He'd lost track of the rising and the setting of Innistrad's moon.

In all that time he'd yet to free himself. Without any ability to touch the energies of the plane, he was reduced to the strength of his body and his cunning. Both of which were failing him.

And all this left him with only one desperate course of action.

Sorin took as deep a breath as the stone would allow, wet his lips, and – "OLIVIA!"

How many more screams did he have left in him? He was thirsty. He was hungry. He'd been calling for the Voldaren progenitor for days. So far in the wilderness, in the ruins of Markov manor, he doubted anyone could hear him.

But to do nothing? He couldn't bring himself not to try at all.

Sorin waited what he thought to be half a day. He couldn't see the sun, but he could see the way the shadows changed. And then he tried again. "OLIVIA!"

Sorin listened to the empty echoes as the name bounced around the still-floating stones of the ruined house of his grandfather.

And then – or maybe it was just his imagination, the delusions of a starved and broken man.

But. No. There it was.

The clatter of hapless Voldarens trying to keep up with their mad master.

Like the light of salvation, Olivia came floating around a corner, dressed to the nines as always and carrying a basket of flowers. Behind her, jumping from floating rock to floating rock, came a cavalcade of minions, all also carrying loads of flowers.

Wasting no time, Sorin shouted, "Oliva! Get me free!"

Olivia sighed loudly. "Oh hush," she admonished. "My ears work, you know. I'm old but I'm not that old." Coming closer now, Olivia floated to hover naught but two feet away from Sorin. She was clearly pouting.

"Olivia," Sorin tried again, using his indoor voice. "You must help me."

With a wave, Olivia gestured to her basket of flowers. "What do you think I'm doing?" And then she took out one of the flowers and stuck it in Sorin's hair.

Sorin glowered. "I don't know," he replied. "What are you doing?"

In midair, Olivia twirled. "Flower walls for my wallflower," she announced, already upbeat again. And then she tucked a flower into Sorin's lapel. "I just thought – you must be so lonely," she said. "All alone in ugly Markov manor. So I decided to spruce it up."

Dramatically, Olivia raised a hand and snapped her fingers. Behind her, her horde of underlings immediately set about tucking more flowers into the floating rocks surrounding Sorin's prison.

Sorin pushed down on a growl. There was an art to dealing with Olivia. To manipulating her. Snapping at her, no matter how satisfying, was rarely productive. Attempting a disinterested drawl, Sorin said, "And I thought I was bored. Something must have gone terribly wrong for you if you decided to bring me flowers."

Olivia sniffed. "Nothing is wrong," she said, tone indicating that she expected Sorin to know she was lying. With a sudden gusty, she shoved ten more flowers onto Sorin's person.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Sorin went along with it. "Olivia, tell me what's wrong."

Olivia's float lowered half a foot. "Oh Sorin," she said. "It's a girl." On 'girl,' she tucked an enormous hydrangea bloom into Sorin's shirt.

Sorin spluttered. "A girl?"

In the blink of an eye, Olivia's very angry face was very close to Sorin's. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Unable to recoil, Sorin attempted to verbally backpedal. "Oh, no, not at all," he said. "I'm a very progressive vampire."

Olivia backed off. "Oh good," she said. "You never know with some people."

Sorin cleared his throat. "So tell me about this girl," he said. "You know, I'm very good at girl problems."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. She gestured to Sorin, encased in his wall. "Are you now?"

Sorin glared. "Olivia, that was mean."

"Was it?" Olivia replied, not sounding at all guilty.

Sorin sighed. Dealing with Olivia was so much work. But she was the only one on Innistrad who knew where he was and possibly had the power to get him free. So he tried again, "But the girl. What's she like?"

"Oh, she's so strong," Olivia sighed, dreamily. "And attractive. And she smells delicious."

"Mmhm," Sorin hummed encouragingly.

"But she won't come to my tea parties!" Olivia exclaimed. "She's a strong, independent woman who doesn't like tea parties! All strong independent women like tea parties, and everyone who likes tea parties is a strong, independent woman. That's how the world works!"

"You know, Olivia," Sorin said. "I like tea parties. If you let me free of this rock, I would come to your tea parties."

Olivia's eyes narrowed. "Are you a strong, independent woman, Sorin?"

Sorin's eyes narrowed as well. "If I say yes, will you let me out?"

"Maybe," Olivia replied.

"I am a strong, independent woman," Sorin deadpanned.

"Oh that's marvelous!" Olivia announced. "I'll stop by for a tea party sometime."

"Or you could let me out," Sorin suggested.

"Pish-posh," Olivia replied. "Then I would have to track you down when I wanted girl advice." She gave Sorin a knowing look. "You're a very hard man to find when you don't want to be found. It's like you're nowhere on Innistrad sometimes."

"Think of how much more helpful I could be with your girl problem if I were free," Sorin tried. "You and I could go to her right now if-

"Sorin, that's a genius idea," Olivia announced.

"So you'll let me go?" Sorin asked hopefully.

"I'll go to her right now!" Olivia said.

"No, wait, Olivia, let me out!" Sorin shouted.

"What a wonderful friend you are," Olivia said, dumping the rest of her basket of flowers over Sorin's head. She pirouetted in midair and began to float away. "I'll stop by later for tea!"

"Olivia!" Sorin howled at the retreating Voldaren progenitor's back. "Help me! I'm allergic to flowers!"

That got Olivia's attention. She paused, turned slightly. "Nonsense," she declared. "No one is allergic to happiness, not even you."

And then she was gone.

Well shit.