Letters: #1 Never Pick on a Chemist

Mail call was always crazy in Barracks 2, so Sgt. Schultz had perfected a method in order to come away from the experience relatively unscathed. He stepped into the doorway, bundle of letters in hand and tossed them quickly up to Newkirk, whose bunk was closest to the door. He then shut the door before the wolves had a chance to gather. Better to let the Englander get mobbed than him!

He chuckled to himself as he heard the sounds of bumping, swearing and general chaos erupt inside the barracks, along with Newkirk's indignant shouting. Shultz paused to listen as this was always the best part. "Ere, 'ang on ye mangy curs!" A pause and then "Oi, sorry, Colonel, meant nowt disrespect, sir!" Which was followed by a shout of laughter, and then more general rioting for the precious bits of home.

Eventually, Peter got all the men and their letters sorted out, and things settled down as they all sat back to take in news from the outside world. Occasionally, someone would read a bit out loud, or share something of general interest. Newkirk was excited, as he'd finally gotten a letter from his cousin Hugh MacDonald, a Canadian Army private. " 'e says 'e's been stationed with a new fightin' outfit, working wit' ta Yanks. Says 'e'll write me all about it, but 'e says they don' get on a t'all."

Hogan looked up from the letter from his father, "I heard something about that from London…your cousin's there, hmm?"

"Aye, 'e's a good lad, f'r a Scot. Bit of a temper. Can't imagine where 'e got that…" he chuckled " 'e's a few years older'n me, but we get along like a house afire. We'd terrorize the neighborhood when 'is family'd visit when we were kids."

Cooper grew misty-eyed when he shared that his sister was getting married. "The last time I saw her, she was nervous, because she was just starting high school, and didn't think anybody would like her."

Carter nodded. "I know what that was like. The day I started high school, these three guys locked me in my gym locker and I got stuck there all night." He nonchalantly went back to reading his letter. Rather shocked, the others stared at him. Finally, Kinch asked, "So did you get them back?"

Carter glanced up and smiled. "Of course I did. They were all in my chemistry class." And he went back to his letter.

Hogan looked at the others and took the bait. "So, what happened?"

Carter glanced up, "They transferred to Harrison High three weeks later. Pretty much nobody messed with me after that."

LeBeau couldn't stand it anymore. "But what did you do to them?"

By this time, most of the men in the barracks had abandoned their letters and were listening to the exchange with rapt fascination. Carter's tales of home were legendary.

Carter scratched his ear and thought for a moment.

"Well, I turned most of Ralph Sutter's face and his hands green with a cologne I made with invisible ink that reacts to body temperature; I convinced Ronnie Talus he was shrinking 'cause I hypnotized him; and, ummm, well…" suddenly Carter turned red and sighed. "I did something really mean to Bobby Matheson."

Newkirk looked up from his rather long letter, and asked, "Cor, mate, what could ye 'ave done that was so bad? There's nowt a mean bone in ye, lad!"

Still blushing, Andrew told his friends, "I read about this chemical that if you drink it, it makes your, ummm, your uhhh, privates, ummm, shrivel. Not permanently or anything…but, mixed some and I slipped it into his milk, and it, umm, worked and he kind of freaked out…"

Hogan sat at the table in awed silence for a moment, staring at his youngest team member. "And you were, what, fourteen at the time?"

"No, sir. I was actually thirteen. I skipped eighth grade. That's why they were picking on me, 'cause I was a lot smaller than a lot of the guys, and kind of smart." He shrugged and started to pick up his letter as Hogan glanced around the room and then back at Carter, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Gentlemen, I think an important lesson has just been taught here."

LeBeau arched an eyebrow. "Never underestimate a chemist?"

Newkirk chuckled and shook his head. "No, mate! Never, but NEVER piss off our Carter!"

Hogan grinned and nodded as Carter doggedly returned to his letter doing his best to stop blushing. As for the rest of the men, well, they do say you learn something new every day…

~The End~

A/N: Chocolate chip cookies to anyone who can tell me who Hugh MacDonald is and where he came from!

Also, I know zip about chemistry, so all those facts are TOTALLY imaginary. I just thought they sounded good…