A/N: Hey everyone! I used to be a member of ages ago but then I lost the details to my account and got real busy. Now I'm less busy and I'm full of a burning desire to write tons and tons of stuff, so I thought I'd start with this crack-tastic little nugget that's been sitting in my brain for the past few months. It's total ridiculous crack. There will be some pairings but I haven't decided which yet - except for Ox Ford x Gordon Ramsay. Look forward to it friends!

Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater. Soul Eater is the property of Atsushi Ohkubo and Square Enix, and is not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only. Furthermore, this is a work of fiction which features fictional representations of real people. Needless to say, none of the events are true. Gordon Ramsay is not at all like how I paint him in this, and my version of him here is based solely on his TV personality. It is complete and utter crack-tastic fictitious fiction.

IN A KITCHEN FAR FAR AWAY...

I didn't think I'd ever meet someone more terrifying than Medusa, but then I met Gordon Ramsay.

"You call that a cupcake!? That's not a f***ing cupcake! I don't bake, I don't even like cakes and I can tell that's not a f***ing cupcake you f***ing moron!" he screams, not at me but at Black Star and his lump-of-moist-dough-with-a-star-signature-on-it 'cupcake'.

"You think you could bake a better cupcake than me, small-fry? I am the man who will surpass GOD, and this is the cupcake that will surpass God!"

"Just take this piece of s*** away from me, please. I don't even want to look at it."

"What, are you afraid, weakling? Look upon my cake! LOOK UPON IT!"

Tsubaki starts dragging Black Star back to their 'Team Star' kitchen area, "Black Star, let's just move on. We can bake more cakes."

"You have a ridiculous accent, you stuck up old man!" he roars as he's pulled along the floor's black marble tiling.

I pull on Soul's chef apron, "Come on, we're next."

He sighs, "Do we really have to do this?"

"We have no choice, we're Meisterchefs now."

"What about the DWMA?"

My shoes clack against the tiles as I walk towards Ramsay's judging table. Professor Stein stares at me from his kitchen area at the front. His eyes are burning with seriousness, but I can't tell what he's thinking. Now we're before Gordon Ramsay himself. Cameramen swoop in, surrounding us in a wall of lenses.

"So what is it that you're serving me?" he barks.

"We call it Rainbow Cupcakes. Five cupcakes, each with a different flavour."

"You know I hate cakes."

"But you told us all to bake you some unique cupcakes!"

"I know what I said."

He picks up the red strawberry cupcake. Red. My mind jumps to images of Sid-sensei, his wounds red as he rushes into the hall, screaming that there's a trap. Life at the DWMA seems like it was forever ago, even though it's only been a few days. Is it too late to stop Medusa now? I remember Sid-sensei's last words: "I can't save everyone, but if I can teleport enough of you, then maybe, just maybe..."

"Teleport us!?" I cried, "What do you mean by that Sid-sen-"

"FORCED BURIAL!"

Before I could understand what was going on, I was falling down into a dark, damp casket. When I opened my eyes, I was in a bright room, surrounded by enormous bags of flour and the distant screams of an angry man - Grandmeister Chef Gordon Ramsay. Did Sid-sensei intend to send us to his horrible place, or was he trying to send us somewhere else?

"Not bad," Ramsay grunts, stuffing the remainder of the cake into his oversized mouth. "The strawberry flavour in the icing really comes through, and the consistency is nice as well. However, the cake itself is way too dense. It's like eating a wet rag."

Soul was in charge of the cake. I look at Soul and see that he's not even trying to hide his utter disdain for the 'Grandmeister'. I notice myself playing with my dress in nervousness. I still my hands. Why am I afraid of this man? He has no power over me. One Maka chop would knock him out instantly.

Ramsey licks all the icing off the rest of the cakes and then burps in satisfaction, "Good effort, you two. Next time don't f*** up the density of the cake."

He waves us away and we shuffle over to our kitchen at the back of the room. Soul tears off his apron and throws it to the ground, "This is bullshit. I'd rather be tortured by Medusa than endure this."

"That's a good point... why is it that when Ramsay swears, he makes a bleeping noise, but when we swear, nothing happens?"

"What?"

BACK AT DEATH WEAPON MEISTER ACADEMY

"Eruka, inject the black blood into the Kishin as soon as possible. It seems that someone has broken through the Independent Cube."

"Understood, Medusa."

I order the others to get to their positions, then I ready myself to fight off the intruders. I didn't think the DWMA would be able to get through my trap so quickly, but no matter, I won't let them interfere with my plans. This ends here.

I hear footsteps approaching from the darkness. Three very weak souls. I almost feel insulted that they would send such weaklings to stop me. I consider the possibility that it's a distraction.

And then I see them. Three middle aged men in what appear to be... chef outfits?

"Gordon? Gordon?" one of them calls out, "Are you having a laugh, mate? Where'd you put my carrot cake?"

"They've really kicked this Masterchef up a notch," says another.

"AAAA" screams a third, different voice.

I realise very quickly that these men aren't from the DWMA. They're strolling nonchalantly towards me with no sense of threat whatsoever. I hiss at the one on the left. He gives me a puzzled look and asks, "Are you part of the competition too?"

Having no patience for fools, I grab him by the collar of his white shirt and growl into his face, "Who are you? Where are you from?"

He freezes, his eyes bulging out of his head.

"I'm, I'm" he stutters, "I'm Jamie Oliver. I'm here for the same reason everyone else is: to cook for charity. I just wanna bake some healthy cakes."

I drop him to the stone floor and march over to the next one, "And you?"

"Emeril Lagasse," he doesn't shiver like Jamie does. I pull him close till I can smell his rancid breath,

"If I wanted to, I could kill you where you stand."

He gulps. Satisfied, I grab the final intruder, but before I can even demand his name he screams. I demand his name anyway and he continues screaming. I slap him and he screams.

"You!" I roar, pointing to Emeril, "Why does this one scream?"

"I dunno! He just started doing it when Gordon came onto the set!"

"Who's Gordon?"

"The head chef, of course!"

My instinct tells me that he's lying but my reason tells me that they are all so weak, so pathetically weak, that they surely cannot be anything but mere chefs. Even so, they don't resemble any chefs I've ever seen before.

"Are you all with the DWMA?"

They all stare at me in silence. Even the screaming man merely whimpers on the floor.

"Answer me!"

Jamie shrugs, "What's the DWMA?"

"Don't play dumb with me, boy."

"I really don't know! Is that another charity?"

I glare at Emiril, "Where are you from?"

"Massachusetts."

"How far is that from here?"

"I dunno lady, I don't even know where I am right now!"

"Then how did you get here?"

"I... I... we just..."

Jamie raises his hand. I stare at him.

"What are you, a child?"

His eyes are watery. I sigh in frustration, "Speak."

"We fell down from the ceiling."

"...the ceiling?"

"We were in London, filming a charity special for Masterchef, when all of a sudden there was this flash of light, and then we ended up here."

I don't recognise any of those names. It occurs to me that the DWMA probably did try to escape my trap once they realised what was happening. However, if my eyes are to be believed, they somehow transported these three strange men here instead of any DWMA staff. Which means...

IN THE STUDIO WITH GORDON

Gordon leans back in his judge's chair, staring at Death The Kid's cupcakes.

"Well, Team Death," he begins, "you've certainly done a good job with this cupcake. I'm surpised. Compared to the garbage I've seen so far from you lot, this is almost perfect. But you clearly didn't pay attention to me before, because I asked for several cupcakes. Cupcakes plural."

"This is a perfect cupcake. I made sure every part fitted my specifications exactly."

"You're losing points for only making one."

Beside me, Soul messes around with his phone. My throat is dry. There's no way he'll just let Kid off, not after he attempted to slap Professor Stein for his skin cell cupcakes earlier on. Ramsay picks up a knife and lowers it towards the cupcake.

"Wait!" Kid cries out, "If you're going to cut it, you must cut it directly down the middle. You need to cut it perfectly and precisely."

"I'm the judge here, Kid."

"I can't stand by and watch you destroy this cupcake's symmetry."

Ramsay suddenly smashes his fist into the cupcake, then lifts its remains to his mouth and scrapes them off of his hand with his teeth like a feral dog. Then he pauses, "This cake taste as good as it looks. Well... as good as it looked. This is the best one yet."

Death the Kid simply stares at the spot where the cupcake used to be. I notice Professor Stein whisper something to Papa. I tug on Soul's jacket.

"Soul, I think this might be it."

Kid twitches, "Liz... Patty... execution mode."

Ramsay smirks, "Execution what?"

But before he can react, Kid's soul expands rapidly till it fills the whole room. Then he points his guns at the head chef.

"You," he growls, "You've mocked my friends, attempted to attack my teacher... you hold us in this place against our will and now... now you've destroyed my perfect cupcake! Your sins are unforgivable, Gordon Ramsay. Consider yourself judged."

Ramsay gets up from his seat, "You don't scare me. None of you do! You think I've been harsh? I'll show you harsh!"

He flips the judging table up so hard it lodges itself in the ceiling. The cameramen stare up at it and camera flashes spark around the room. Soul grimaces, "Maka, this is getting serious." I nod. Papa transforms into his weapon form. Tsubaki does the same. Then Ramsay starts to laugh.

"Look!" He bellows, his eyes glowing red, "Look! LOOK!" His arms balloon outwars until they're twice as thick, and his teeth sharpen. He pounds the floor, leaving a huge crack in it.

"It's time to cook with fire, you little s***!"

He lunges at Kid, but before he can so much as lay a finger on Kid's head, he yells,

"Death Cannon!"

A beam of pure darkness bursts out of Liz and Patty, combined now into one gun. The beam rips into Ramsay, launching him into the far wall and disintegrating his shirt, his hair, incinerating the concrete. Ramsay screams, "You can't kill me with this, fool!" but then the beam fades and all that's left of the chef is his ashes, mixed in with those of the now-destroyed wall.

Stein leaps onto his team's work surface, "Everyone, run! Out of the hole, now!"

We run, and we don't look back. Shinigami-sama, we're coming, so please wait just a little bit longer.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

THAT'S IT FOR CHAPTER ONE, BUT TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE RAMSAY-TASTIC SOUL EATER CAKE GARBAGE LOVE JOY!