Summary: A pun war between Edward and Alphonse. One-shot.

Edward was bored. That was really the only explanation. He stormed down the hallway at the hotel room he and Al were currently staying in, kicked open the door (he had left it cracked earlier when departing) and stormed inside.

Alphonse looked up at him, then sighed. "I told you, you have to stop doing that, Brother," he said. "If you break down the door, you'll make a lot of people angry."

"Ah, who cares?" said Edward breezily, pulling the door shut behind him. "I'll just fix it with alchemy."

He pulled off his coat, left it hanging on a coat hook, then crossed the room towards the two couches, facing each other, with a coffee table between them. Alphonse sat on one of the threadbare couches, red eyes scanning the words of an alchemy book, and Edward flopped on the opposite couch, hands behind his head.

"Ugh, I'm bored," he moaned.

"Then do something so you aren't bored," said Alphonse as pointedly as a suit of armor could be. Edward sat up, thinking this over.

"Something so I won't be bored, aye?" he said, reaching up and touching his chin.

That gave him an idea.

"Hey, Alphonse, I've got a joke for you!" said Edward, swinging his legs off the side of the couch to face his brother. Alphonse looked up from his alchemy book a second time, already somewhat interested. Ed rarely told jokes, but when he did, they were either worthy of a punch or deserving of a laugh.

"Sure, Brother," said Alphonse, setting his book aside for the time being, "what is it?"

Edward cleared his throat dramatically and spread his gloved hands. "Okay, get this," he said. "Two chemistry professors walk into a bar. The first man says to the bartender, 'I'll have some high-quality H2O, please!' and the second man says, 'Hey, that sounds great! I'll have some H2O too!' The second man died."

Alphonse waited in stunned silence for a moment or two, thinking it over. "Um, okay…?" said Alphonse. And then, he took a moment to really think about it. "Ooooooh! Oh no!"

"Oh yes!" cheered Edward, fist-pumping. "I'm brilliant!"

"That's an awful joke, Brother!" Alphonse protested, and he sounded offended, if only slightly.

"It's not awful, it's ingenious!" said Edward, grinning, and he jabbed his automail thumb at his chest. "I'm a genius!"

If Alphonse could, he would have narrowed his eyes. If this was a challenge, he was going to meet Edward head-on. "Well, how about this one," said Alphonse, folding his hands. "You can't trust atoms, because they make up everything."

Edward snorted, folding his hands across his chest. That was actually pretty good, he thought, but only for a fleeting second; he wasn't going to let Al know he thought the joke was funny. "Is that the best you can do?" he snarked instead, blowing his bangs out of his eyes.

"Na," said Alphonse, and Edward could have sworn that expressionless suit of armor was grinning at him.

Well, two could play at that game. Edward put on his trademark feral smile, teeth bared, eyes narrowed.

It.

Was.

On.

Edward slammed his hands on the table and leaned forward, looking directly into his brother's eyes. "What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?" he asked fiercely, like he was interrogating a criminal. "Two Na."

"Ack! That one was desperate, Brother!" Alphonse protested, and Edward let out a villainous cackle.

"Aha!" Edward said, pointing an accusing finger at his brother. "Edward Elric one, Alphonse Elric zero!"

"Okay, fine! It's my turn now!" Alphonse said angrily, and he, too, leaned forward, palms on the table. "What did the angry electron say when he was held back?"

Edward smirked. He'd overheard this joke on one other occasion. "Hmm, let me think…" Edward grinned, tapping his chin in mock thought. "Oh! Was it, 'Let me atom, let me atom!'"

"Hey!" Alphonse instantly protested, going from anger to shock in an instant. "No fair, you must have heard that one before, Brother! You're cheating!"

Edward cackled. He was on a roll now. "There's no such thing as cheating in this competition!" he said. "And anyways…" My turn! "Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny!" he said. "I slapped my neon that one!"

Alphonse retaliated instantly, like he'd been waiting for this moment his whole life. "Yeah, sure, but all the good ones Argon!"

Edward was ready. "That joke garnered no reaction!"

The laughter stopped, and the brothers stared each other in the eyes. It was time to get serious. Neither was willing to admit to defeat.

"A proton checks into a hotel," Alphonse began, talking flatly and quickly as though his life depended on it. "When asked if he needed help carrying his luggage, he answered, 'No thanks, I'm traveling light!'"

Dangit, it's getting harder to think these things up! "Yeah, sure," he said, "but what do you do with dead chemicals?" Edward didn't wait for Alphonse to try and figure it out. "Easy, you Barium!"

"Okay, but what about this: two atoms bump into each other. The first one says, 'Oh no, I've dropped an electron!' The second one says, 'Are you sure?' and the first one answers, 'I'm positive!'"

Edward was just about to retort with another smashing pun, when three loud bangs issued on their door in a rapid session. The brothers jumped in unison, gazes turned towards their hotel room's door.

"Elrics! This is Colonel Mustang! Open up!"

Edward groaned loudly and flopped backwards onto the couch, dragging his hand over his face while Alphonse stood to answer the door. "Argh, the Colonel," Edward muttered furiously, and he pulled himself to his feet and dragged behind Alphonse. "Why can't you just leave us alone, Mustang?"

Alphonse opened the door for their superior officer, and Roy Mustang waited no time barging in ("HEY! You can't just let yourself in!" Edward protested furiously), getting right down to business, as usual.

"There's a gas leaking ammonia in one of the sewers below Central," said Roy, handing Edward a map of the exact location. "I'm sending you two to take care of it."

"Urgh, why us?" Edward whined, shoulders slumping. "Get someone else to take care of it!"

"I think we can do it, Sir," said Alphonse, ever the helpful. "And besides, this is ammonia. It's pretty basic stuff."

"Yeah, but all the same-" Edward started, and then froze mid-thought.

A shadow crossed over his face.

"Basic," he repeated, slapping his palm to his forehead, and he was pretty sure he heard Alphonse, as well as Roy Mustang, laugh.

...

BONUS

"Hey, Fullmetal, do you want to hear a joke?"

Edward looked up from his alchemy book and glared menacingly at Roy, who had stepped into his hotel room. Edward sighed, set the book down, and crossed his arms. "Yeah, sure, whatever. What is it?" he demanded.

Roy grinned. "Mustang and Havoc walk into a bar," he said. "Edward Elric laughs and walks under it."

Edward stared at him for a moment or two, frown owning his face. But then, when he realized just what it was Roy had said, his eyes widened, and he leapt from his seat.

"WHY YOU-" And he charged, tearing after Roy Mustang, who retreated from the room the moment Ed got to his feet. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE GETS AIRLINE SUPPORT FROM A LADYBUG, YOU JERK!?"

Roy laughed. "Honestly, Fullmetal, learn to take a joke!" he said.

"WELL, NO MATTER HOW SHORT YOU THINK I AM," shouted Edward, still pursuing the one who would end up in a hospital once Edward caught up, "I CAN ASSURE YOU, MY TEMPER WILL ALWAYS BE SHORTER!"

"Well, you must have a really short temper, then."

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, I DARE YOU!"

Author's Notes:

Hahaha, well, I had some fun with this one. :) I hope you guys liked it! My brother told me a lot of these chemistry jokes, so you have him to blame for the majority of them, SO DON'T COME AT ME WITH PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES OKAY I AM NOT TO BLAME.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this one-shot, because I had a heck of fun writing it, and I'll see you all soon! :) I love puns to death! :D

Cheers! ("Oh snap, snap! Spark, spark! It's time to light up the diggy-diggy dark!" XD)

-BeyondTheClouds777