DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these HP characters or settings. Nor do I own any of the quotes referenced.

Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.
― Lorrie Moore

November 1977

"PRONGS!"

At the sound of his nickname, James Potter frowned and looked up from his Potions essay. Sirius Black, fellow Gryffindor and his platonic soulmate, sat down across from him and stared expectantly. James just stared back because, contrary to popular belief, James and Sirius did not always know what the other was thinking. And at that moment, he didn't have a clue what his friend wanted. So, he raised a curious eyebrow and waited for Sirius to continue. When Sirius received no other reaction, he huffed and added:

"Prongs, mate. I need your expert advice, for I have a grave problem," he declared, staring off into the distance dramatically.

"Ahuh. And what's new?" James replied, returning to his text and looking for a quote to put into his essay. "You have so many problems."

Sirius glared at his best mate. "Rude," he replied. "But I'm being serious here."

James smirked. "Aren't you always?"

Sirius sighed heavily and replied, "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

James just hummed and picked up his textbook.

After a long moment of silence, in which Sirius stared and James paid more attention to his homework than to his best mate, said best mate yanked the book out of his hand and tossed it onto the floor of the common room. James stared down at the old tome with disappointment. But, really, what was he expecting? You can't ignore Sirius Black and expect to get away unscathed. Sighing, he turned to his brother-in-soul. Before he could say or do anything however, he heard:

"James Potter!"

James flinched and twisted in his seat to find Lily Evans glaring at him.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" she scolded, picking up the book. "You should have more respect for school property! You're Head Boy now, remember?"

James froze, because Lily Evans was a terrifying but beautiful spectacle when angry. His brain quickly kicked into gear and he stuttered, "I – Yea – I mean, I didn't... Sorry."

Lily squinted at him for a second before she hummed and replied, "Just don't go around disrespecting school property anymore, okay? We have to set an example for the younger ones."

James nodded dumbly and took the heavy textbook from her.

Lily nodded back and turned away, walking over to her friends who were huddled around the fireplace. James watched after her for a long moment before he turned to glare at his best mate. Sirius just grinned. More than a little miffed, James kicked out under the table, his foot colliding with Sirius's shin harshly. Sirius yelped in pain and reached down to rub at his limb.

"Ow! You git!" Sirius growled. "What was that for?"

"You!" James replied. "Laughing at me and getting me into trouble with Lily!"

Sirius scoffed and muttered, "I wasn't laughing about that. I was laughing at your face when she left."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not the one who looks like a lovesick puppy when a certain someone walks into the room."

"I do not!"

James scoffed and replied, "Sure, mate."

Sirius frowned and crossed his arms. "And anyways, I don't know why you're fretting. She has already agreed to go on a date with you."

"Right, but she could cancel at any time," James retorted.

"Nah, she wouldn't do that," Sirius stated confidently. "She fancies you."

James hummed and placed his textbook on the table. He then sat back in his chair, giving his so-called brother his full attention. Sirius leaned back in his own seat, balancing on two legs casually, and James felt an immense urge to thrust his foot out toward the chair leg and make it (and Sirius) topple backwards. He didn't though, because he was a good friend and he knew that would only start a war. Instead, he asked:

"So? What is it that you wanted?"

Sirius paused for a moment before he dropped his chair onto all four legs and leaned across the table, hands clasped and face serious. He cast a quick glance around the room to find no one paying attention to them before he turned back to James and said, "I need your help."

"Right." James nodded slowly. "With...?"

"I'm not getting anywhere," he informed.

James raised a curious eyebrow.

"With Moony, I mean," Sirius added. "I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have tried literally everything. And I know that he fancies me. I mean, look at me." He gestured to himself. "I may not have much to thank Walburga and Orion for, but good genes are one thing. But every time I ask him, he says no. Or he doesn't say anything at all. It's Bonfire Night on Saturday and I want him to go with me. And since I have exhausted everything I can think of, I need your advice. Because, somehow, you managed to get Red to agree to a date with you, so..."

James nodded slowly and took a moment to study his brother-in-soul.

Sirius actually seemed quite distressed with his progress (or lack thereof) and James could understand why. Sirius had been pining after their werewolf friend for just over two years now and if it was maddening for James to watch his best mates dance around one another, then he could only imagine how frustrated Sirius was with the whole situation. He had hope, though. Having watched Sirius Black and Remus Lupin interact for many years, he was certain that Remus fancied Sirius just as much as Sirius fancied Remus. Lupin wasn't quite as obvious about it, but James had lived with both of them for several years and he knew them inside out.

"You need my help?" James asked.

"I believe I just said that, yes," Sirius snapped. "Look, if you want me to get down on my knees and beg, you can fuck right off."

James snorted and calmly replied, "You're my brother, Padfoot. I won't make you beg."

"Then help me," Sirius insisted. "Tell me what I'm doing wrong, because I don't know. If you're so sure that Remus fancies me, then how do I get him to realise that I want him too? What am I doing wrong?"

James stared for a long moment, silently wondering how to word his advice, before he stated, "He thinks you're messing about."

Sirius frowned. "What? What do you mean, he thinks I'm messing about? Like, he thinks I'm joking?"

James nodded.

His frown deepened as he sat back in his seat. "Why would he think that?"

James stared at his friend because Sirius looked genuinely confused and James didn't understand why because Sirius was the joker. He wasn't known for being serious. He was known for making jokes, even in uncomfortable and/or inappropriate situations. Did Sirius really think he seemed authentic all those times he asked Remus to be his?

"Really? How could he think that?" James repeated. "Sirius, mate. Just have a think about it. Think about every time you've asked Remus on a date."

For a long time, they sat in silence, Sirius thinking back on the times he had asked Remus for a date and James waiting for the other student to realise how insincere all those times seemed, before Sirius finally spoke:

"I'm not sure I understand..."

James sighed and sat up straight, adopting his official Head Boy posture. Sirius absently mimicked him and leaned forward again, eager to hear what James had to say next.

James had known Sirius Black for many years, and he knew how ignorant his brother-in-soul could be sometimes, so he knew that some things needed to be explained in great deal; specifically, he knew that Sirius needed his actions and their connotations to be explained because Sirius sometimes didn't understand that his actions had specific implications.

"Alright, Sirius," he stated. "How about we revisit a few of these times, shall we?"

Sirius nodded, his attention solely on James Potter.

"Let's go back to the first time you asked Remus out. It was in Transfiguration, if I recall correctly..."

:: … ::

Title: The Valentine's Day Debacle (Attempt #1)
Date: February 1977 (Sixth Year)
Location: The Transfiguration Classroom

James and Sirius sat at the back of the classroom, Peter sat on the table to their left next to Dyanola Dearborn, and Remus sat at the desk in front of them next to Lily.

James frowned at his snow globe, wondering how to transform it into an actual ball of snow, whilst his best mate stared contemplatively at the pair ahead. He didn't need to ask what Sirius was thinking about. He already knew the answer: Remus Lupin. Or more likely: How to Ask Remus Lupin on a Date.

Sirius had decided that pining forever (which was really only seven months or so, but James had finally convinced his brother that their werewolf friend really did fancy him and that he should just ask him out already because, quite frankly, James was tired of hearing Sirius wax lyrical poems about everything Remus related) did not appeal to him and he had decided, with a little encouragement from James, that he ought to at least try and court Remus – for his own sanity, never mind James's. The ex-Aristocrat had quickly decided that cards, poems and chocolates wouldn't work. He had told James that they were too impersonal, and if he was going to ask Remus out, then he was going to do it right.

"Prongs, how are you going to ask Lily out this Valentine's Day?" Sirius asked, startling James out of his musings.

James looked up from his globe and replied, "I was thinking of maybe giving her half a dozen roses at dinner tonight; six roses for the six years we've known each other, you know?"

"You're doing it at dinner... in front of everyone?" Sirius asked, sounding unsure.

"Of course," James replied. "If I ask her in public, it's less likely she'll hex me. Since we're sort of friends now, and all..."

Sirius looked as though he were about to say something, but he just shook his head, dropped his elbow onto the desk, and planted his cheek on his fist. A moment later, he grinned and jumped up from his seat. James frowned because he knew what the expression on his best mate's face said; it was the look Sirius got when he thought he had a grand idea.

"I have an idea," Sirius stated. "A brilliant idea."

With that proclamation, he stumbled over to Remus whilst James watched on with morbid fascination. Once at the desk, Sirius whirled around and offered a charming grin. James snorted because that smile worked on most of the Hogwarts population, but the Marauders were immune, and Remus Lupin was especially immune as he had to deal with Sirius Black on the daily. Sirius offered Lily a wink, his grin widening when her cheeks turned rosy, before he turned back to Remus and leaned on the desk.

"Remus," he smirked, looking Remus up and down.

Remus just stared back before he replied with, "Sirius."

"How are you doing this fine morning?"

"I'm quite fine, thank you," he answered, his lips twitching as if he found Sirius amusing. "Yourself?"

"I'm brilliant," Sirius replied, grey eyes travelling the room briefly, casually, before he turned back to Remus and added, "So... Happy Valentine's Day."

"Valentine's Day isn't for a few days yet, Padfoot," Remus replied.

Sirius's smile wavered slightly before he fixed a bright grin on his face again and said, "Right. Yes. I know that. But I was wondering if you were going with anyone? And if not, would you like to accompany me to this weekend's Hogsmeade trip?"

Remus was silent for a long moment; so long that Sirius began to fidget. Then:

"Pads, you know I don't have a date. And you know why," he replied, because Remus Lupin was not a fan the Capitalised holiday known as Valentine's Day and he steadfastly refused any dates on that day, but Sirius Black was a hopeless romantic and he steadfastly refused to acknowledge Remus's disdain for the Day. "Besides, I'm already going with you. And James, and Pete. We organised this the other day."

Sirius smile faded and James grimaced because is there anything more horrifying than watching your brother be turned down your oblivious best mate? No.

"Oh," Sirius nodded, "Right. Yes, I remember."

"Anything else we can help you with, Black?" Lily asked.

Sirius shook his head in response.

With that, he straightened up and made his way back to his seat. He sat down heavily and slumped forward onto his desk, his head resting on his forearms. James patted Sirius on the back.

"Next time, mate," James said, because what else was he supposed to say?

Sirius just grunted.

:: … ::

Sirius grinned. "I remember that," he replied. "I made Red blush."

"Yes," James glared. "I know. As you have told me. Repeatedly."

Truthfully, he wasn't too bothered that Sirius had made Lily blush. Sirius could make a Slytherin blush. It was more that Sirius was so smug about it.

"Anyway," he continued, steering their conversation back to the topic at hand. "Thinking back on that time, tell me what you did wrong."

Sirius paused and, after a moment of consideration, he answered: "I, uh... Well, I had already made plans with him. That didn't help."

James nodded and replied, "Right. That's... How about we discuss the May Incident?"

Sirius grimaced and muttered, "If we must."

:: … ::

Title: The Jealousy Fiasco (Attempt #7)
Date: May 1977 (Sixth Year)
Location: The Black Lake

Exams were just around the corner and the Gryffindors were sitting out by the Great Lake.

James and Lily were studying Charms, Peter was discussing his plans to woo Dyanola Dearborn with Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes, Remus and Alice Fortescue were studying Ancient Runes, and Sirius was occasionally reading his Arithmancy textbook.

James glanced up from his Charms text to find Sirius covertly watching Remus over the top of his own book. Honestly, how Remus hadn't clocked on that Sirius fancied him by now was beyond him. Sirius Black was not known for his subtlety. Perhaps Remus was oblivious. Perhaps he was just an idiot. Either way, James was getting frustrated.

Sirius frowned when Remus laughed at something Alice said and looked away, his grey eyes glancing around the Lake and eventually settling on a group of Ravenclaws by the Docks. A moment later, Sirius closed his book and stood up.

"Pads?" James asked.

Sirius didn't answer. He just turned and began making his way toward the flock of Ravenclaws.

"What is he doing?" Marlene asked.

James shrugged and rummaged around in his bag. He wasn't one for prying into the business of others, but this was Sirius and he was allowed to spy on Sirius because Merlin knows Sirius had spied on him plenty of times before. So, he plucked his two-way mirror out of his bag and muttered, "Sirius Black."

The Marauders and co. watched events unfold and listened to Sirius with the mirror.

"Hey, Alf," Sirius greeted, smooth as ever. "Can we talk for a moment?"

Alfie Arcott, seventh year Ravenclaw and ex of Sirius Black, glared but nodded and moved away from the other Ravenclaws. Once they were on the edge of the Docks, Sirius glanced over to make sure they (probably Remus, specifically, if he was doing what James thought he was doing) were watching. Then he turned back to Arcott and grinned.

"What do you want, Black?"

"I was just wondering how you were," Sirius replied innocently. "It's been a while since we last talked."

"There is a reason for that," Arcott replied icily, obviously still bitter by their break-up. "I'm fine."

Sirius nodded and shoved his hands in his pocket. "Good," he replied.

After a moment of silence, Arcott snapped, "What do you want, Sirius? I'm busy."

"Nothing, I was just... I was just wondering if you fancied taking a walk around the Lake. You know, having a bit of a catch-up."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Sirius frowned. "Sorry?"

"First you break up with me and then you want to take a walk with me?" Arcott asked.

"No, not like that," Sirius replied hurriedly. "Just as mates."

"I don't want to be your mate, Sirius," Arcott replied. "I don't want to be your anything anymore. Stay away from me."

"Wait, Alf," Sirius spoke, stepping forward. "I thought we left things on good terms?"

"Fuck off, Sirius."

"Alf—"

And then James watched events unfold, almost in slow motion:

Sirius stepped forward to stop Arcott from leaving; Arcott, frustrated and angry, turned and pushed Sirius away; Sirius stumbled back and almost fell off the Dock but managed to catch himself at the last moment; Arcott, seeing this, smirked and stepped forward to push Sirius again; Sirius grabbed Arcott's arm and then they both tumbled over the edge and into the Lake with a big splash.

The mirror went silent.

"Oh my god," Lily muttered.

Sirius resurfaced, spluttering and frowning at Arcott. They didn't need the mirror to hear Arcott call Sirius a 'fucking idiot!' as he made his way back to the shore.

"We should probably go and help him," Remus stated, not moving from his spot.

"Yeah, probably," Peter agreed, also not moving from his spot.

"You're a fucking cretin, Sirius Black!" Arcott yelled, finally on land again. "How I ever dated someone as moronic and immature as you is beyond me!"

With that, he made his way back to the castle, the gaggle of Ravenclaws following behind. Sirius stayed where he was in the water, watching as Arcott stormed away from him.

"James, go and help him," Lily urged.

James sighed but stood up. "Come on," he said to Remus and Peter who were busy laughing at their friend. "Marauders stick together and all that..."

Remus nodded and stood up. Peter grunted but stood as well. Then the three of them made their way toward Sirius. Once there, they found Sirius treading water.

"Hey, Pads, you okay?" Remus asked from the water's edge.

"That bloke has some serious problems," Sirius replied, swimming toward them.

Remus just grinned whilst James and Peter laughed.

"I assume you lot heard everything," Sirius stated, finally making it to shore. "I saw the mirror."

"Yeah," Peter snorted.

"We heard everything," James snickered.

"Brilliant," Sirius muttered and trudged out of the Lake, Remus and James helping him. He then sighed and sat on the grass, shivering and glaring at the water.

Truthfully, James felt somewhat bad for his brother-in-soul but, really, what was Sirius expecting to happen? Did he think that Remus would get so jealous that he would storm over and sweep Sirius off his feet and they would snog on the Docks? Remus Lupin was not the jealous type, and they all knew this. Really, Sirius had this coming.

Remus, ever the Samaritan, removed his cloak and draped it around Sirius's shoulders before he sat down next to him, leaving James and Peter to sit down on his other side.

"Thanks," Sirius muttered, pulling the dry clothing around him tighter.

"No worries," Remus replied, nudging his shoulder.

"I can't believe he pushed you in the Lake," James chuckled.

"I can't believe you managed to pull Arcott with you," Peter sniggered.

Sirius shot the giggling pair a withering glare, but it just made them laugh harder. After a moment, his lips twitched as well and, soon enough, all four Marauders were laughing.

"He's a twat," Remus said once they had all calmed down. "Why you ever dated him in the first place is a mystery to me."

"Is that jealousy I hear, Re?" Sirius asked hopefully, teeth chattering.

Remus snorted but didn't reply. Instead, he stood up and offered his hand to Sirius who took it and stood up as well.

"You should probably go and get changed," Remus stated. "If you don't want to get hypothermia."

Sirius nodded and went to hand the cloak back, but Remus stopped him and said, "Keep it. Until you get back to the Tower, at least."

"We'll bring your stuff up, if don't come back down," James said.

"Thanks," Sirius chattered before he nodded to the group and stumbled up to the castle, Remus's cloak wrapped tightly around his shoulders.

:: … ::

"Not my finest moment, I'll admit," Sirius stated.

James nodded in agreement because even if Remus was the jealous type, he wouldn't have shown it. Remus kept his cards close to his chest and he didn't let his emotions control him.

"Learning anything yet?" James asked.

"Yes," Sirius replied. "That you're a sadist, making me relive my most embarrassing moments."

"Ha, no," James retorted. "How about we revisit your last attempt? It was in the Great Hall, remember that?"

:: … ::

Title: The Owl Catastrophe (Attempt #22)
Date: November 1977 (Seventh Year)
Location: The Great Hall

Monday morning found the Marauders sitting at the Gryffindor table: James and Sirius on one side, Remus and Peter opposite them; Remus speaking to Peter about a new film that was out in the Muggle world, Sirius fidgeting in his seat, James eating his delicious breakfast. James was loading his plate with more scrambled eggs when he felt Sirius's bony elbow jab at his ribcage.

"Ow! What?" James grumbled.

"I have a plan," Sirius whispered conspiratorially. "And this one is definitely going to work."

"Oh, Merlin, what did you do?" James groaned, because all of Sirius's plans had failed thus far – and Black had been certain that every plan was definitely going to work.

"You'll see," is all Sirius said in response.

James frowned, wondering why Sirius would tell him that he had a new plan and then not tell him what the actual plan was. Honestly, what was the point in that?

"What are you two whispering about?" Remus asked, startling the Purebloods.

"Nothing," Sirius replied quickly – too quickly, if the frown on Remus's face was to say anything.

"Right..." Remus replied before returning to his conversation with Peter.

Unsure what to do, James returned to his breakfast whilst Sirius began fidgeting again, checking his wristwatch every two seconds. A few minutes later, Remus's hand shot out and gripped Sirius's wrist, halting Sirius's movements. James marvelled because one touch from Remus Lupin had managed to make the ever-twitching Sirius Black stop moving altogether.

"Really, Padfoot, what's happening?" Remus asked.

"Nothing," Sirius replied. "I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine. I'm cool."

Remus assessed him for a long moment but hummed and removed his hand from Sirius's wrist.

The Gryffindors then began chatting about the day to come; lessons and ideas for pranks and the upcoming Quidditch Match. James didn't have to wait long to find out what Sirius's Great Plan was.

At exactly 08:30AM, the doors to the Great Hall opened and the mail Owls flocked in.

Owls of all colours flew around the Hall, ignored by most of the students. People only started noticing when, instead of dropping packages for their owners, the birds started descending on the Gryffindor table, lining up along the length of it. The owls then shuffled along, each one stopping in front of Remus, bowing and dropping a piece of parchment by his plate, each one receiving a piece of toast from Remus for their trouble. Once their task was completed, they flew out of the Great Hall and, presumably, back to the Owlery.

James glanced around the room to find nearly everyone watching them; some people laughing, others in awe; some people looking perplexed, others glaring. James grinned and turned back. Sirius beamed proudly whilst Remus took each letter and Peter tried to avoid being batted by wings.

Once all of owls had finished, they flew out of the Hall, leaving a trail of gossiping students behind.

"What do they say?" Marlene asked, nosy as ever.

Remus just shrugged and returned to his breakfast.

"Aren't you going to open them?" Sirius asked, grey eyes fixed on the werewolf intently.

"Why?" Remus asked.

Sirius opened his mouth to reply but he seemed to think better of it and just shrugged in response.

"May I?" Lily asked politely, gesturing to the piles.

"Sure," Remus replied.

Lily picked up one of the pieces of parchment and opened it. She read it carefully before she glanced at Sirius. She then turned to Remus and read: "You. Me. This Saturday. How about it? S."

James snorted and picked up a random piece. And then another. And then another.

"They all say that," Peter noted, reading his own note.

Sirius's cheeks turned pink but he made no other reaction than that. "So?" he asked.

Remus just smiled and replied, "Good one, Sirius."

With that lacklustre response, the rest of the student body returned to their meals and previous conversations. James stuffed some scrambled eggs into his mouth and pretended not to notice how distressed Sirius was or how disheartened Remus seemed.

:: … ::

"So, Padfoot. What have we learned from today's lesson?" James asked, slowly, deliberately, as if he were talking to a small child.

"I... I don't know," Sirius replied helplessly, teeth worrying his lip.

James sighed and slumped back in his chair. "Sirius," he said. "He thinks you're joking because every time you've asked him out you've laughed it off afterwards."

Sirius's brow furrowed as he replied, "But I – Well, what should I do? How do I show him that I'm not pissing about; that I'm actually serious about him?"

"Show him."

"How?"

"I don't know. What went wrong all of the other times?"

Sirius paused, thinking back on his previous attempts. Then: "Well, the first time, he was already going to Hogsmeade with me. And he doesn't get jealous. And he doesn't like gifts. And he didn't appreciate that hex I threw at Aubrey. And he thought the Owls were some elaborate prank..."

"Right," James said. "So maybe just ask him. No theatrics."

"I have asked him," Sirius retorted. "The first time, remember?"

"Right, but you didn't make it clear that you were asking for a date," James stated. "Next time don't make a big show about it. Moony doesn't like being centre of attention; you know this. Next time just ask him. Say something along the lines of: 'Moony, you oblivious bastard, I fancy you and I want to hold hands and kiss under stars and have your babies. So, let's get to it and go on a date.'"

"I... Okay," Sirius replied. "I mean, I'm not going to say that. But I know what you mean. I should just ask him – in private, so that he doesn't think I'm joking. And I should tell him my intentions instead of leaving it open to interpretation."

"Right," James agreed.

Sirius nodded decisively and stood up. "Right. Thanks, Prongs," he grinned. "I know what to do now. Uh, you can carry on doing whatever it was you were doing before."

"How kind of you, to allow me to return to my homework," James replied, but Sirius wasn't listening.

"Yeah," Sirius replied absently. "Wish me luck!"

"You won't need it," James replied confidently, "But good luck anyway!"

Sirius grinned and bounded out of the common room without another word.

James watched his best mate exit the room and turned back to his homework, hoping that Attempt #23 was the last attempt because he really could not deal with a lovesick Sirius Black or an oblivious-but-equally-pining Remus Lupin any longer.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

Written: July, 2016 & August, 2016
Rewritten: October, 2019